On finally letting go

Tomorrow, I have a date with someone who has lived up to nearly all of my man of my dreams list. It would take a considerable amount for him to fuck up this date. And all it took was for me to let go of the one thing that was holding me back, DLR. So. In this moment, I can truly say that I have let it go. I was being strung along like a little puppy and I'm so glad I realized it and walked away. It was the best gift I could give myself. It could have been so much worse. I wish I knew why my cycle is late. I had a pregnancy test at the doctor and it came back negative and I haven't had sex since my last period but it's still alarming! I have all the symptoms and no blood. I am so excited about tomorrow, I can hardly think about sleeping.

I have to sleep, I have to wake up early and make myself presentable for my first impression.

Tebow is a dipshit

It seems like my cooking has improved, dramatically, in the last year. My chicken soup and zucchini chocolate chip cookie are phenomenal. The cookie was my recipe, since I modified the recipe I had and the soup is too. It's amazing I'm not any fatter than I am. I thought about Chris less today. And I didn't cry at all. I also went for a run. I'm in much better shape than I thought I would be, apparently all the walking I do is making a significant difference. Tim Tebow is my least favorite person, at the moment. What an ass to believe that if there was a God that said God would take time out of his/her busy day to help fucking pro football. Fuck that. He is an asshole. I like Tim Tebow less than I like Chris. It has been a really therapeutic 4 day weekend. Tomorrow begins my last 5 day week before I start working part time. I don't know how I'm going to pull enough money out of my ass in the next few weeks to pay for my glasses and my text books but I always seem to scrape by. I'm so thankful that I'm resourceful and creative. This is why I survive. Runner's cough is clearing the shit out of my lungs. It's fantastic. And Sunday night is a good television night. I am feeling good. I am okay and everything will be okay.

So, Tell Me, Where's The Flaw In That

It occurred to me, just now, that you are simply a newer rendition of my old story. You are a newer combination of the exes who fucked my shit up. But isn't that what finding someone is about? You keep trying different combinations of the characteristics that you liked in your previous men and you try and combine them into the person you are looking for. And you were so close. What scares me, is that I found the same characteristic that has ended all of my relationships. You don't appreciate me until I'm gone. This is evident in all the times you asked me to come back when I called things off. It doesn't seem as though you will this time. But what I said to you was intensely personal and a little mean. But I needed to make a point. This is the story of my life. Having to be mean in the very end to get you to go away; what is that all about? When will I find the man who appreciates what he has in the present? I am really an amazing woman. I'm attentive, I low key and don't require loads of attention, I am beautiful and funny and intelligent, I have an incredible future ahead of me, I have a big, open heart, I'm giving, mothers love me, I have good taste, I can dress for a cocktail party or for an afternoon painting the shed, I can grow herbs in the backyard and keep your stomach full of fantastic food, I'm an amazing lover, with a healthy sexual appetite, I have friends who adore me, a family who stands behind me, I'm financially independent, I'm friendly and likable and I'm a great asset when you need someone to stand up for you, I don't back down from a fight I truly believe in, I'm adventurous, athletic, I have nearly perfect skin and fantastic curves and amazing sex appeal. I am someone's dream woman. What is wrong with the men I seem to be able to find? Why am I not enough for them? Maybe it's that the caliber of men I choose see me as too much for them. Regardless, I will sleep alone, again, tonight. And again tomorrow night. But I will fall asleep knowing that I did not settle on someone who causes me to throw a pan across the room in tears because he makes me feel awful about myself when he disrespects what I have asked in return for myself. I will fall asleep knowing that I didn't marry the man who caused me to lose who I am, gain 40 lbs and feel desperate and alone, and I will fall asleep knowing that the boy who inspired a bout of bullemia that I still struggle with, is not sleeping next to me. I am alone. But I am not with someone who causes me hurt. And alone is always a better option, even when it seems so painful. I have to remember that I am not the only one who feels like I have not found my partner in life, because he is out there feeling exactly as I am. And we are together in knowing that when we wake up tomorrow, we will still be searching for each other.

It would be fantastic if we could go ahead and move into the new year and into my future.

That Does Describe a Vampire

It's really important that you not make an attempt to come back into my life, right now. I would take you back in a millisecond. And I know that this is not a good thing to do. You, sir are a fucking 95% match according to okc's algorithm. And I know this in real life, too. I hate that I had to get rid of you. I hate that you couldn't be respectful enough to just say you weren't available that night or that you weren't interested in seeing me anymore? This whole thing is so dumb. If he really cared about me, he would fight for me. And clearly he's not. I have got to move on and yet somehow, when I look at dating anyone, I look at how I can replace him. How did I fall so far for that one? I'm really frustrated with myself about it. I put him in a position where he could hurt me and he didn't care enough not to. I might take benadryl and go to bed early. I'm having a mild bout of depression, I think. It's taking everything I have to stay awake and not just sleep until it's tomorrow. It's a struggle to continue to find things to make me happy right now. I will continue to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother and I will find a way to get through this. But OKC has got to stop showing me Chris and telling me what a great match we are. He is the only one who doesn't get that.

Blessed

I really want someone to hold me right now and kiss me. I want to feel good about a boy. I am okay. I feel okay. But I also feel a little lost and scared and unsure of the future. The year will be ending in a few weeks and it scares the hell out me. What is going to happen in the next year? It seems impossible that all I went through in the last year could have possibly happened and another year of so much activity scares me. It's beyond me that I have survived the last year and it's exhausting to consider having to do it again. It was tumultuous and exciting and painful and fun and strange. How do I stay strong? When do I get to back down and not have to stand so tall? Behind the scenes, I'm a disaster, a hot mess, one wrong look away from falling apart. I'm doing so much by myself and I don't think I can survive this.

Abandoned Pompeii

I'm really struggling with missing the good things. He was so much fun and such a good guy to hang out with when we were together. He was nearly perfect but his one bad defining character is one that I know that when I'm faced with it in a relationship, I can't deal with it. I know enough about myself to know that communication is not something I can compromise on. I also know that if you reject any sexual advance from me, without really good explanation, I will stop wanting to have sex with you, period. And he was headed in that direction. He doesn't really serve much of a purpose in my life if I have no inclination to sleep with him. The whole thing is a great source of frustration and disappointment for me. I wish I wouldn't have had to have called things off. I'm so angry with him for fucking up a good thing. I didn't ask him for a relationship. I just asked him to communicate with me. And he didn't, even after our last conversation and I find that to be a great sign of disrespect. I'll get over it. It feels like a breakup. And in a way it is. But sometimes it's better to hurt less now than hurt in a big way later.

Meant to be together, but not that night.

So here's the deal. I have two years to work towards my goal of New York. I finally have a clear path and goal ahead of me. It's filled with excitement and fantastic journeys. I just had to fall on my ass, wipe the tears out of my eyes and stand back up to see it again. Opportunity and my ability to posses it are my greatest assets in life. By living my life according to the law of anecdotal value and always choosing that path that will lead to the best story, in the end I will never regret a single moment in my life. And up to this point, I do not regret even the smallest decision in my life. I like the person I am and wouldn't trade the experiences I've had to be anyone else. And maybe I can't find love in my life because I'm looking in all the wrong places and maybe the love of my life is already in my life and I just haven't had the opportunity to really get to know him yet. Either way it doesn't matter because the love of my life will understand that I didn't find him right away. I will have the rest of my life to spend with the love of my life because I will not have settled on anyone less than he and will never need to divorce and try again. My discretion and inability to settle is one of the best things I can do for myself.

I do not want kids. I don't want to go through the act of being pregnant. I do want to be a positive influence on a child's life but I don't want to bring a child into this earth.

I want to be done with school before 30. I want to make at least $80,000 a year in my career and it needs to have at least 6 weeks of paid vacation with a good work/life balance. I want to live near water, because it calms me the beauty provides me with great inspiration and reminds me to be thankful. I want a garden, with herbs and grasses and flowers and vegetables. I want a little car and savings account and trip to somewhere new every year. I want someone in my life who loves me unconditionally, is patient and kind. I will never regret not sleeping with enough men or having the right experiences. I will have no regrets going into a lifetime partnership with a man. I will have my education and my career and my goals and ambitions and I will have a fantastic life. And I will do it without having committed myself to a lifetime with a man who never adored me. I am my own best advocate. I've never once successfully done something the way someone else wants me to. I blaze my own trail and I do things my way.

I am okay.

Share The Love Event

I think I'm on the precipice of depression. It's likely that I am going to retreat into myself very, very deeply and very, very, soon. I can't handle the way I'm feeling today. I cried nearly all day. What am I going to do with myself? I have got to get it together. I can not sustain throwing up every single night. It can't be good for me. I could use some love right now. I really need someone to reach out to me and love me unconditionally and I realize that I am the only person whom I can expect this from. I feel like I'm going to be a mess for the rest of time.

Fuck this. I am okay. I don't need DLR to apologize. He's a douchebag, and douchebags have no idea how to be decent human beings. I can't hold that against him. Emily can be ruthless with her honesty sometimes. Clearly she is not that concerned that she really hurt me with what she said earlier. She has better things to do. I can't blame her. I met Patrick one night and though it was a great night, it's ludicrous to think that there is actually a future for us and even more ridiculous to believe that he would come to visit me. I don't hold that proclamation with much credence. My job sucks but it's temporary. I'm smart, very smart and I will do big things with my life; starting with my education. I don't need company to feel better tonight. I have benedryl and that's the next best thing to having a friend to help me feel better. Nothing hurts me or makes me insignificant or terrible when I'm sleeping. Mostly because I rarely remember my dreams. Tomorrow is a new day and it's my Friday. Everything will be okay.

SO. TIRED!

I almost feel liberated from DLR. He doesn't have the power to make me crazy or fretful or angry anymore. I nearly feel as though a celebration is in order. I am planning on an internship in New York between undergrad and grad school. Things are going to be good, really good. I will be okay.


I want to come to a point, with myself, where I am content. I still feel the sting of the end of dlr. And I know that it will pass. But this loneliness thing. I have to be able to be by myself. Happy, by myself. Is it possible that the ping of loneliness in the back of my being could pass without being filled?

And since I desperately need to revaluate what I'm looking for in a relationship partner, some time alone would be good for me.

My type- Skinny/muscular, pot smoking, snowboarding, liberal, book nerd, indie-music loving, non-communicative, demeaning, assholes.

How do I keep the book nerd, liberal, indie-music loving, outdoorsy guy without having the non-communicative asshole for the ride? Does this person exist? I don't think it does. It doesn't seem possible. Even the guys who are not my type keep turning out to be assholes. Maybe my type is simply asshole. I should let someone else be in charge of picking my boys. Clearly it's not something I'm very talented at. FML.

Grasping The Universe As It Is

I feel better. Every moment that you do not contact me, I feel like I heal a bit more. I feel stronger. This is a fantastic opportunity to continue to improve my life. My hair is dark, my ass is smaller, I am a new woman. This is why I recognize that dlr is toxic. Because I have learned what I expect and deserve in my life. My apartment is scrubbed and clean, I ate an incredible dinner because I know how to cook incredible food. I am blessed. I will be ending my game with dlr because I don't need to beat him at a stupid game to know that I am better than what he can offer me. I am okay alone. I am good alone. I have my tea am occupying the entire couch, am able to fart if I want and watch my girly fairy tale show without a boy trying to grope me or making me feel inferior. When I go to bed, tonight, I will be able to sleep on whichever side I want to sleep on. I will be able to lay in any position and take up as much of the bed as I see fit. All I can do, right now, is make my life exactly what it should be. In the next month I want to see a therapist and start yoga in addition to the school schedule I will also be starting. I truly believe that those two things will make significant difference in my life. I will be okay.

"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."
Carl Sagan

Not Answering My Phone

Wow today is difficult. It's a grounding moment when I can't shake how angry I am. I can't decide if I'm angry just at you or at every single guy whom has put me in a position to feel unwanted. I get that I have got to see the good side. And for the most part I do. I have many good friends and that's not something many people are fortunate enough to say. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and enough leftover in my bank account to purchase a few Christmas gifts. I have parents who love me and potential to do amazing things with my life. I am enrolled in a program I finally feel is a fitting life decision for me, I live in a city with a thriving and developing scene in the field of work I want to do and it's a city I've come to love dearly. I have had an opportunity to find love in my life, short lived and damaging as it is. I have learned who I am through the mistakes I have made and now is just one of those moments that I will emerge from stronger and more confident but the actual act of getting to that point is so painful. And I can't tell who I'm angry with. I'm angry at Austin for choosing a girlfriend who does not seem to even remotely measure up to me over me. I'm angry and Chris 1 for the Michele shit he pulled after we broke up, I'm angry with the man who raped me and I was too unsure of what had happened to make sure he was punished. I'm mad at Andrew for breaking me in ways I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fix. He made me feel lost and insignificant, like I didn't have anything going for me, that there was nothing correct about me, nothing I did was ever enough.  Which leads me to Chris 2. Whose shit is so fucked up he made me feel like he would be a good addition to my life. He is manipulating with his mixed signals. He caused me to feel like all the progress I had made since Andrew was gone. I was completely honest and up front about him needing to walk away if there was not a future for us. And he didn't. He just led me on then ignored me then led me on and ignored me. All the while making me question whether I was crazy. It was a mind game. I was making all of the concessions, yet again, with my romantic interest. At least I recognized it early. Maybe not early enough but certainly not years into an invested relationship. I'm making steps in the right direction but it doesn't help me feel any less devastated that Chris seemed like a perfect match for me except that he didn't respect me. Which is why I can't go after my type any more. My type has failed me over and over again. Clearly it's not a good decision to go back to that type of guy again. But how do I relearn what I'm attracted to?

On ranting and raving in concern to the asshole formerly known as Chris.

In lieu of sending you a nasty gram I just want to take a moment to tell you I think you're a mildly retarded fuck wad, shit for brains, cock-sucking ball sack no good mother fucker.

That is all.

I would say that I hope you someday understand what you threw away but that would indicate that i give a shit and I don't. At least I give less of a shit to the point that I can pretend as though I don't give a shit. Clearly if I truly didn't care, I wouldn't even go through the motions of writing this blog. However, I need to stay strong and resist the temptation to give you any indication that I am thinking about you. I am playing words with friends because it feels good to destroy you in every single game. I want you to ask me to come back so I can tell you to go fuck yourself. I want to disappear in a way that is mysterious, leaving you wondering whatever happened to the best thing that ever happened to you. Because quite frankly, my dear, you may have been my first choice but you were certainly not my only choice. And I choose not to have you near enough to me that I feel crazy and unappreciated and compulsive, and angry and disrespected. In fact, I can not remember a single good emotion that was inspired by you in the last two weeks. You tipped the good-bad scale all the way to I can't do this anymore.

I wish I had an indication of why you are such a dip shit, good for nothing asshole.

Go Fuck Yourself, De La Rosa; the end.

I gave my last fuck about you, yesterday; it's unfortunate you were unavailable to take advantage of it. My rejected vagina does not forget. She does not open for boys who ignore her and if I'm not having sex with you, you no longer serve a purpose in my life other than frustration. I have no use for further frustration in my life. When you made me feel the same way I felt with Andrew I knew that it was time to stop, look around, and realize the road with you is not the road for me. I promised myself that I would never let another man fuck my shit up like that and yet here you were, fucking my shit up like that. And what kind of person am I if I can not even keep an important promise I made with myself; a compromise for coming back home, to a place I swore up and down I would never return to. Upon coming back here I promised myself to make things different for me. I promised that I would find a man who was nothing less than crazy about me. I promised myself that I would not yearn for anything or any person who did not 100% want me. What's the point? There are 7 billion people in this world. Why on earth should I sit around and let one more of you fuck my shit up? There is no longer anything in it for me. I get that she hurt you. I get that you have to heal from that. But, quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's no excuse to do that to another person, a person who could have loved you like no one else. So you will go your own way now, with out me. Because you no longer hold a place in my heart. The minute I felt the way I felt when I was with Andrew I knew for certain that you are not a good idea and I have officially been given what I need to close my heart to you. Please don't call me, don't text me, don't friend request me or come by here when there is a chance I might be here. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear your voice or have any indication that we are even within range of each other. You do not respect me enough to have a place in my life and I am done. You broke me last night. And there was not much left to break. I no longer want anything to do with my type. My type sucks.

Plans for the evening.

Whoa buddy. Since that jackass doesn't seem to understand that by not responding my asking him to have sex with me, he is putting himself in the precarious position of me never wanting to have sex with him again I would like to make a toast to what I intend to make of my night and well, most of my weekend. Tonight I have planned a spectacular evening of whiskey shots until I no longer feel feelings. And should I not pass out before I'm able to do so, I've planned a romantic tryst with my vibrator to end the evening. After which I will enjoy a nightcap of nyquil and pass out only for tomorrow morning to come well before I'm ready for it to come. I will revel in my hungover state in the morning, maybe taking the time to put on makeup before I stumble across the street for some coffee and into work for a breakfast burrito. For lunch I will enjoy the pasta that this evening, I have every intention of purging. After all, I was nearly successful in eating nothing today so why allow calories in tonight? I do want to lose weight after all right? And since I'm a fat kid at heart, throwing up my dinner works well for me. The good news is that now since I have removed your phone number from my phone I will no longer have the ability to break down and ask you for sex in the middle of the day.

2012, Here I Come

It's time that I really start to consider what I would like to accomplish in my next year. Maybe it would be helpful to examine what I was able to do with my life in the last year.

Last year's New Year's Resolution included the following goals:
What I want to do this year:
Go Ice Skating
Attend a poetry reading
Lose 20 more pounds
Run 5 miles
Take my bike more places
Get my camera out at least once a month
Spend at least one day a week outside
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
volunteer
Learn to make a food once a month
Expand my wardrobe/find an awesome little black dress
Write every single day
Stick to my budget
Learn to unconditionally love myself
Get a pedicure
See a play
go to the art museum
Give money to TAL

I lost an additional 7 pounds
I am planning to go ice skating in the next few weeks
I have gotten my camera out about once every two months
I spend much time outside everyday
I have sex nearly once a week
I have attempted a new recipe nearly once every two months
I have definitely expanded my wardrobe including my lbd.
I have written nearly every single day
I have stuck to my budget, for the most part
I went to the Art Museum
I donated to public radio
I learned to love myself unconditionally

Of what I didn't complete and/or would still like to work towards:
Attend a poetry reading
Get my camera out at least once a month
Run five miles
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
Volunteer
Learn to make a new recipe once a month
Write every single day
Lose another 10 pounds
Stick to my budget
Get a pedicure
Continue to learn my own nuances and quirks and continue to develop who I am and love myself unconditionally

In addition to what I will continue with I would like to add some new goals
Maintain an "A" average in my classes
Learn to shoot a gun
Go someplace I've never been before
Stop using my credit cards
Join a volleyball or softball team
Join the Economics society
Read one book per month for fun
Learn to make conversation with random strangers
Forgive every person who has wronged me
See live music once a month
See a therapist

So my list as a whole will look likes this:
Attend a poetry reading
Get my camera out at least once a month
Run five miles
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
Volunteer
Learn to make a new recipe once a month
Write every single day
Lose another 10 pounds
Stick to my budget
Get a pedicure
Continue to learn my own nuances and quirks and continue to develop who I am and love myself unconditionally
Maintain an "A" average in my classes
Learn to shoot a gun
Go someplace I've never been before
Stop using my credit cards
Join a volleyball or softball team
Join the Economics society
Read one book per month for fun
Learn to make conversation with random strangers
Forgive every person who has wronged me
See live music once a month
See a therapist
Buy a good bra
Learn to sing in front of people again.

Exhaustion

Shit gets weird in my life. Just all of a sudden my whole world is turned upside down. My priorities are flipped and things which never mattered mean the world to me. I need to go to bed.

All I'm asking

This boy is relentless! How many times have I tried to get rid of him and yet, here he is again! WTF?!? I don't understand his insistence on being in my life and he will likely break my heart; seriously, break my heart. This jackass is going to continue to say things like "I should introduce you to my friends" or "I care about you too" or "you will have to accept my quirks" or "I guess there's only one way to see if we end up together" or "what if we break up?" Each time he finds his way back into my I fall a little further. And each time it's just a little bit harder to get over him. It would be really helpful if he could go ahead and not break my heart this time. Space is likely what I need to provide him and that's what I'll do. I have got to just get over it.

Reflections

Today has been a good day. I haven't melted down, yet, today. My apartment is clean, I made dinner and cleaned up and my apartment is clean. I'm not scared. I'm not bored and though I'm alone, I'm okay. This is going to be a fantastic weekend.

Getting rid of DLR still stings a bit. I suppose that's only natural. It will continue to get easier.

On not carrying a baby

I spent the better part of my day experiencing something that was likely a miscarriage. I have mixed feelings about this. This likely means two things: 1.) That jackass got me pregnant 2.) Crisis averted.

This also means that I have a totally new perspective on my sexual partners going forward. 1.) you will use a condom, no questions asked 2.) If I don't think we would have good children, you're not getting up in here.

I didn't really think about DLR today. I thought about him long enough to determine that if he got me pregnant 1.) It would be a little ironic now that I've told him to go fuck himself 2.)I was going to kill him.

But at the end of it, I still feel okay. Not overly good, but not bad. I felt good enough to prepare dinner and pick up my apartment and this is the latest I've been awake all week.

I have a terrible pain in my hip. Maybe it's the end of my body agreeing with me that we're neither interested in or ready for having a baby. It's like the universe is telling me that it's giving me a break since I'm nearly 25 and life pretty much sucks otherwise. It's the universe making up for my poor choice in men and lack of college education. It's the universe allowing me the opportunity to become an economics major, which I'm massively excited about. There is an incentive in telling people I'm an econ major. It makes me seem smart and nerdy, which I am. I think like an economist and the more I study different economics themed books the more at home I feel in the study. It was a great decision and unlike my other decisions, the closer I get to execution of the decision, the more excited I am about it.

At any rate, fuck this day and fuck my life.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

When Pondering the Purchase of a Vibrator

Day 2 of having no romantic connections. I've decided that I will purchase a new vibrator as a gift to myself for learning to love being single, swearing off men, and getting older. I looked at De La Rosa's facebook today. I have to stop doing that. It's not conducive to healing quickly. I wonder what it is I can learn from all of my failed attempts at love. I wonder what I should take from having been propositioned on three different occasions for fuck buddy relations in one month. What I am going to do is stop having sex (with other people). That is unless they are perfect strangers whom I will never see again. But.... since i have no intention of shaving my legs or anything else for that matter until after Christmas I will likely not seek sex from a man in that time period also.

I have to get my shit together, re-ground myself, remember why I'm fucking awesome. I don't lie well. I will never exude confidence that I don't actually posses. I want to start reading recipes and planning menus and reading econ blogs and nerding out to podcasts and other nerd vices of mine again. I want to plan a potential container garden and prepare for school and Thanksgiving and Christmas without the constant interference of men who will likely fail.

I erased all the numbers of my love interests besides De La Rosa and Derek. Derek, because I'm not interested in being more than friends and he's just fabulous and De La Rosa because I can't bear to let that one last piece of contact information go. Why did I allow so many concessions for him? He didn't want me fully and completely, he smokes, he's short, he drives a fucking grand am (2 door, automatic and red) he's a hoarder, he does way too many drugs and has too close of a relationship with pot, he doesn't have his shit together, he lives with an old man, he has a cat, he doesn't cook, he shops at Wal-Mart, he buys stylish clothes but doesn't know how to assemble them into an outfit and most importantly, he was not smart enough to recognize that if he did not take action, that he would lose potentially the best woman who would ever come into his life.

I was unapologetic, brash, and swift in my approach to cutting those ties. I doubt that he thought I would cut them with the precision of a craftsman sword. But why rip the bandaid off slowly? It's more painful that way and the pain lasts longer. I made a clean break and I'm happy I did so. Even if my vagina is at odds with the decision.

I have to stop throwing up every night. Tonight I had meant to not do so and did so when my dinner severely disagreed with my stomach and my stomach threw my dinner out the front door. I've already been down the bullemia road. I don't really want to do it again. It's likely that after I see the doctor on Friday that maybe I will have an anti-anxiety pill that will help with that. Hopefully it will help with my need to sleep so much. It's only 7:20 and I'm already considering bed. I just don't see the point in being awake. I like being asleep better.

Go Fuck Yourself, De La Rosa

Your feelings for me do not now, nor will they ever rival what I feel for you. You are keeping me from reaching my potential in myself. You hold me back from someone better. This is why you have to go. There is not a chance that if I wait for you that you will somehow change your mind and come running and begging me to be with you; for real, with you. I am better than what this relationship does to me. Always say never when it comes to you. You must be one hell of a damaged soul not to see that you will never find anyone as dynamic, beautiful, intelligent, and overall amazing as I am and you are walking away from the best thing that ever happened to you. I feel sorry for you that you feel fulfilled in your life by "chasing tail" That your ability to that outweighs what I contribute to your life. And for you to get so sad when you left the other night, to tell me that it wasn't right for us to not sleep together anymore should have been an indication to you that I am the right person for right now. You are an idiot not to realize this and I can't stay with someone with so little emotional intelligence. So I'm moving on. And you are not coming along in any capacity. You do not deserve to have me in your life any longer. I'm done.

Snow Day

As I showed up to work this morning after having called the weather line prior to leaving early to get to work on time, after trudging through the wet snow, twisting my ankle and nearly getting run over, I noticed there were not any cars in the parking lot. I called the weather line one more time to find out there had been a two hour delay in starting business this morning. I promptly called in and headed home. Granted, I'm deliriously nerve racked over the conversation my supervisor is going to have with me concerning the matter of my attendance. Honestly, I made a promise to myself to not live a life I would regret. I'm a firm believer that 6 weeks of time off, paid or not, should be mandatory in our work force. We work too many hours at jobs we dislike. It's no wonder that mental illness and anti-depressants are rampant. I was not going to stick around bored and cold for 2 hours and I was not going to turn around and come home only to have to go right back, this morning. That was an assenine idea. So I simply called in and came home.

DLR is not a healthy relationship for me. It's time for me to cut all ties with him. I'm done.

I will be true to myself and what I want and deserve in a man and as a reminder, let's re-examine my list:

He will tell me and mean it that I am beautiful all the time.
He will think my cooking is amazing.
He will support my hopes and dreams.
He will adore me.
He will be tall.
He will share my love affair with music.
He will share my love affair with wonderful food. And be an adventurous eater.
He will never question, and will always go along with, even if he thinks I'm crazy, my environmental antics.
He will love my garden as much as I do and want to join in.
He will take an interest in things that interest me.
He will love it that I take interest in things that interest him.
We will have an active lifestyle.
He will like sports and being active.
He will like wine and beer,and most importantly, want to try new wines and beers with me.
He will argue back when we fight.
He will comfort me when I'm down.
He will not treat me like I am stupid.
He will respect me, even when I'm acting like a fool.
I will be in awe of him every day.
I will always want to work things out with him.
He will love my art.
He will appreciate my taste in art and if not, at least know why he doesn't and have his own taste.
He will be intelligent.
He will dress stylishly but not be obsessed with clothes.
He will know how to fix things.
He will be my best friend.
He will be able to maintain intelligent and non-intelligent conversation with me.
I will be able to learn from him and he from me.
He will have a sense of humor.
He will be sure of his want of me.
He will able to communicate with me.
He will have his shit together.
He will not smoke cigarettes.
He will love my body.
He will not have the eating habits of a six year old.
He will not be a lawyer.

Just give me back my broken heart

I don't know what to do about the cable guy; but, if I don't hear from him soon I'm going to have to walk away for good. I can't continue to play this game with him. He either gets to have no strings attached sex with me or he gets to hold my hand in public. Not both. I can't handle both. I'm a disaster right now. I want him to tell me he wants me in his life; however, I know that a happy romantic comedy ending is not what I will likely get out of this situation. I should just reject him completely and move on with my life and do so before he has the opportunity to reject me...again. He tells me that he needs to take my picture because I look so pretty and that he thinks I'm smart and loves my body and that it's a treat to eat the food I make and he holds my hand and me when we go out and yet I am still not what he's looking for? I don't understand. It can't possibly be about me and it's so hard to move past that it can't possibly be about me. Deep...breaths...

Me against the world; world -1 me -0

I don't begin to know how to describe the cycle of emotion I've been going through lately. Rejection is a tricky life experience. I have always felt like I'm pretty well adept at hedging rejection and moving on from it; however, at this moment in time my youthful optimism is waning. It's as though I'm being tested. It's a test that is quite trying and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Men are terrible specimens of a being. The fuckers don't want anything from me but sex apparently. Every single guy I have thought would have potential has turned out to be a dud in some form or another. And maybe my expanded definition of dud has something to do with my frustration in finding someone who will fit into the qualifications of someone whose likelihood of destroying another part of my soul is relatively low.

It's frustrating that Austin's new girlfriend looks a considerable amount like me.  It's frustrating that I am a little lonely sometimes. It's frustrating when I can forgive Nick for his shortcoming last Winter but can hardly forget and am now in process of hooking him up with a friend instead. It becomes beyond frustrating when I am rejected time and time again. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I realize, when my rational self comes back to fruition that this is not the case. I realize that I am spectacular, beautiful, and deserve nothing but the best. I realize that it's best that I am able to weed out all the not the best quickly, efficiently, and early.

Lately, I've been retreating more into my own isolation as a comfort. I don't let my self down. I know my expectations for myself and live up to them pretty well. I think I am fun and amazing and talented and beautiful. And if no one else believes this, at least I have it in my self to pull inspiration and a desire to keep moving forward from. It would be nice if I could find someone who shared this belief. For now, I guess it's me against the world.

Do It Like A Dude

It starts in my fingertips. Numb. Slowly, quickly engulfing the fingers my tips are attached to. Making it's way through my hands, up my arms, it spreads like a disease through my blood stream, tensing my shoulders squeezing my stomach into a knot; every heart beat feels like work. The pressure in my throat extends to my tear ducts and two miles of walking and concentrating on my breathing are not enough to help me pull it together. The second I step into my house and close the door behind myself I lose myself in the privacy of my own pain. I drown my tears and my screams in the very same pillow that happily lulled me into blissful sleep just hours before. The anxiety that grips me, uncontrollably, taunts me into a form of depression, deceives my body into believing a physical ailment has taken over. The only reprieve is sleep, or whiskey. Food is not an option. That squeezing that grips my stomach only causes the rejection of food. And my soul, my self, feels rejected by the world, by you, and him, and him and him. I feel betrayed by my own growth and maturity as it has brought with it and inability to find any man who will do and each I think will do, does not. There is no such thing as a good man. There are men who hurt me, rape me, hit me, rob me of an innocence and a healthy body image. When over and over again my hopes are dashed to ashes of what may have been had circumstances been different I start to question what is wrong with me. It's hard to not make it about me. I am seemingly the common denominator. Right? Is it my wide hips? My decision to get rid of my car? Do I say something incriminating? Is there something wrong with my face? Am I not quick and witty and cool enough? Why is it that I can't find a man who thinks I'm as amazing as I have worked in my life to be? The bottom line is that I am, in fact, as amazing as I have worked to be in my life. Whatever their issue is, is not about me.

I will be okay.

I Sing Songs

Something about yesterday just wore on my psyche. I felt like a crazy person by the end of the day. It was just overall a very strange/not so great day. I'm incredibly thankful it's almost tomorrow. My life is a series of roller coaster hills. It builds up and up and fills me with anticipation for the fall; exhilarated in the moment of the final buildup, hoping everything I have worked for to this point was worth my while, until finally. The moment. The thrill of the ride. Then again, chugging back towards the top. It seems as though I'm back in a moment of the edge of exhilaration. I'm on the brink of more big life changes. The waiting period is one thing I could stand to improve my process for. I hate the waiting period. I should really find a way to just stop and appreciate my surroundings while in limbo. Getting ahead of myself is useless. It's been almost an entire year into my healing process and one step at a time, I have made leaps and bounds. Having tossed and turned last night, I'm exhausted. But I'm happy and on a precipice; and, today I took a moment to notice the flowers standing in their vibrance against the cold gray morning. And really, what more could I have asked for in my day.

Enough

I have written a stellar outline for my college admissions essay. I have written a great budget that I will hopefully be able to stick to. I have a trip planned to Chicago in October that should be a blast. This in my life are good. At any rate, I'm still working through my past relationships, trying to sort out my emotions and what happened in these relationships to fuck me up as badly as I feel I have been fucked up. I feel stubborn in my fortitude against being able to fall for a boy, completely, again. How can I? They break me. They turn me into someone who is unrecognizable to who I really am. This weekend should be a blast. The concert/block party, hanging out with Holly and Emily, going to Boulder and possibly fire dancers. Again, another busy weekend for me.

Since I heard from Andrew, and he told me I had inspired change, a part of me feels like he owes it to me to give me the opportunity to experience the changes that I inspired. I was steadfast for so long in such an unhappy space that I want to feel like it was worth something in the end; that my time was not wasted. For me to go back to him would defeat every single purpose I have worked towards in the last year. Do I really want to go back to someone who made me feel like he did? No! I believe these feelings of retribution to be completely natural but I would like them to go away, now.

I'm not ready to start a new relationship. I don't feel like I am who I want to be, yet. I need the boys in my life to be 100% patient with my need for life reform and they will be well rewarded.

I miss Derek. I hate that I don't get to talk to him anymore. Some of my best conversation was with him; what a blast! I don't know if he is busy or just not really interested in actually being friends but he just seems irritated when I initiate conversation so I will not be doing that, going forward. I am legitimately sad over the loss of having him in my life. I don't think he has any idea either and I think it's better to keep it that way.

A Ranting on Futures

The show I'm watching is all about the female orgasm. It's incredibly interesting. I was able to wear something more fall-like tonight and it made me very happy. My next self-improvement goal is to develop an ability to pursue conversation with perfect strangers out and about. This is completely out of my comfort zone and this is the very reason I feel like it's a great idea to take on the challenge.

This weekend has been very relaxing for me. I have not had an opportunity to do so many things just for myself in a very long time. Taking a moment to make myself happy, just, simply, me, was fulfilling beyond description. I often wonder if I will ever really heal. There are still moments from my past that I am very disturbed by; and, I realize that these are the moments that have shaped who I am and who I will be. I realize that I like who I am and who I am shaping out to be. But on that note, I was not strong enough to defer a man from raping me. And I am not strong enough to let it go. I don't even remember what his name was. My coping mechanism is simply to forget the bad things that happen to me. My ability to forget is likely why I still find myself in and out of love with Austin. It's such a blessing that he reminds me of all the ways he was horrible to me. How did I find myself so unaware at the unhealthiness of my relationship with Andrew? Where and when did I lose myself in that scenario?

I'm a scared little girl hiding inside the body and mind of a blossoming young woman. Who am I and what am I capable of? I am capable of surviving rape and an abusive relationship to emerge and begin my life from scratch in a new city. I am capable of redefining myself and recovering from an eating disorder that nearly ruined my life. I am capable of slowly, but surely, putting myself through school; not because I am unsuccessful without a degree but because I would like to achieve so much more. I hold a job that many are accepting straight out of college. I put myself in compromising, difficult, and uncomfortable situations in order to challenge myself to emerge from them a better person.

And in this moment, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that the direction I would like to move in my life is not coming to fruition as quickly as I would like for it to. I am impatient beyond description. I make things happen and do not take well to waiting for other people to do their part. I would prefer to just do it for them so I can move on to the next thing. I don't sit still, and am almost always multi-tasking.

It is my goal to finish my degree in Economics and Urban Planning and then to continue into a graduate program in Urban Planning. I will be creating an opportunity to develop community. I will build urban gardens and plan cities so that they are economical, ecologically friendly and build a sense of neighborhood. Community is a fundamental source of importance in my life and I fear that this society has lost a trust for each other and in that, lost an important sense of community. It effects the way we interact, our quality of life, the way we raise our children, our physical and mental health and is overall going to be the downfall of our society if we do not take steps to regain our sense of community. How do we learn to respect the fundamental differences of our neighbors if we do not even take the steps to get to know them? We will always fear what we do not know.

What will be will be

I am taking the steps in my life to create some normalcy. I have grocery delivery and Sunday post delivery. I will be establishing routine, making most of my meals at home, a regular television schedule, a sense of self that I have been fulfilling with dates and outings and I'm ready to slow down, I'm ready to focus on me and to be perfectly okay with my life and my place in my life. I may go to the botanic gardens tomorrow, since I'm done with all of my chores today. What a restful weekend this has been! Or maybe I'll read in the park. Either way it will be my afternoon. I will have coffee and a newspaper and breakfast with Emily in the morning and a visit to the park in the afternoon. I am okay. I am an amazing person who deserves to be surrounded by nothing less than amazing people. What Andrew did to me has nothing to do with me and most men would never consider what he did to me as acceptable. I don't have time in my life for boys who dont call. I deserve and will find better than that. I will find someone to play scrabble and jenga with on Sunday night and wake up with in the morning and who will think I'm crazy and beautiful and love me for every bit of who I am. Because I like who I am and you should too. It seems like it's harder for me to find someone in my life now that I have such a greater sense and appreciation of who I am than when I was a lost and lonely child in my earlier dating career. Maybe it's not that it's harder, but that my standards are higher and so far, my standards have yet to be met on a level that I'm completely comfortable with. The lawyer is nice and I would like to see where that goes, but it's not looking like he is going to call again. que sera sera.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-toV371PA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Effing a, cotton

I am just all kinds of bummed out right now. It is a literal meltdown going on in this apartment. I don't really have a clear understanding of why my anxiety is so out of control, tonight. My next step will be to find myself a therapist. These meltdowns are obnoxious. I feel like I have a void in my life and I cant figure out what it is that I'm missing. I feel like I'm missing pieces of myself that were stolen from me when Andrew compromised my trust with his actions. I don't trust that I can choose a man who will not compromise me. I'm in a dark sea of infinite sadness in this moment. This is a pain unlike anything I can remember. I want so badly to let myself fall in love again but the second I find myself in that position again, I become overcome with terror over the what ifs and will I be able to handles. I think this rationale explains my behavior and attitude toward men over this summer. Dont get me wrong, it's been a blast, but I have chewed my way through men like they were going out of style. Always one to need control, I was in an out of control need for complete control over my romantic interpersonal relationships. I decided when and if I saw a boy and for how long and the one time I was being broken up with, I was still in control of the situation. I don't want to control things anymore. I want to let go of my wall and be out of control and fall in love. Reckless, irresponsible love and I want for him to not destroy me.

Wishing, Waiting, Hoping

Waiting to exhale, waiting for my new life to begin, waiting for you, waiting for me, waiting.

Hoping to exhale, hoping for my new life to begin, hoping for you, hoping for me, hoping.

Wishing to exhale, wishing for my new life to begin, wishing for you, wishing for me, wishing.

Knee Deep Snow

I don't believe it's possible for things to get any better for me right now. There is very little chance that I won't get hired into this new job, I have a great apartment in a location in the city that will allow me to live my dream of going car-less, and I am talking to who might be the man of my dreams. It doesn't happen often that so many aspects of my life line up in perfect order like this. My euphoria is unmatched. With weekends off, and no car payment, I'll be able to make more trips to Seattle, and maybe even other places. It's amazing all the ways having a car is holding me back. That one small convenience takes away from so many other things I could be experiencing in my life.

I hate you

Don't you fucking dare write a poem about how in love with me you still are you fucking asshole. I can't believe how much this has affected me today. I hate you. Why don't you understand that? You fucked me up in ways you will NEVER understand. You made me feel like less of a person. What, can't you find someone else to make feel awful about themselves?

Go fuck yourself.

So What's Left To Do With You

Today, I feel rejuvenated. I'm only going on about 4 hours of sleep and I have more energy and vitality that I've felt in a long time. Something about this guy just awakens everything about me. He inspires me and is, by far, the strangest friendship I have ever had. They make movies about interpersonal relationships like this one. This is what every indie romantic drama/comedy is about, relationships like this one. I feel like I'm living in an indie romantic drama/comedy. Even my soundtrack to my life fits in with this mantra. As I'm writing this, Damien Rice sings the blower's daughter, and the lyrics "I can't take my mind off of you." resonate so purely with what I'm experiencing emotionally right now.

His vocabulary is so sexy to me. He challenges me to a higher level of intelligence that I've always known I've possessed, but have never really been given the opportunity to exercise. Whatever purpose he ends up serving in my life, I appreciate every moment I'm given to spend with him.

The Shit Show

Today I'm having a massive panic attack. I'm having one of those moments where I'm feeling suffocated, need a change, and could do something drastic to make that change happen. There has to be more to life than what I'm doing. How do I make something big happen in my life? I'm freaking the fuck out right now. I have to stop doing this to myself. Usually, I'm pretty good about appreciating the small, everyday, mundane in life but today it's not enough. I'm applying for new jobs. I can't do Costco anymore. It's time for a change in my life and that has to be it.

I also started my school application today. I have to get my life under control. I'm in a tailspin headed straight down right now. It's been building up for a while. I will be okay. I have to step away from my computer and just find a meditative spot for a while.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm not in constant contact with any boys right at the moment. My distractions are gone. I'm not feeling inspired. I'm suffocated and trying to break through barriers in my life that are not budging and I'm frustrated and I want to give up and just say fuck it! But I can't and I won't. Tomorrow will be a better day.

My life is just one big clusterfuck of a shit show sometimes.

It was dark and I was over

Today I spent the some time with my family. It's always so grounding to revisit my roots and I have a newfound appreciation for the city every time I make the trek back and as the skyline materializes, I know that I am home. That feeling of home that encircles your soul and makes you feel warm, especially when you've been away.

This feeling is never the same as the sanctity of the feeling of home you have as a child. Maybe it's a feeling of safety that bounds us to the idea of home. Maybe this is why the psychological consequences of the violation of one's home are so dire.

It rained today. The rain has a way of renewing my vitality. It breathes through me, washing away any darkness that has made it's way into my heart. It's purity, it's smell, it's sound, the rain is simply, beautiful.

My hopes are going to stay grounded on the possible visitation of a new friend. I would hate to get excited about something that is not likely to happen.

Shadows Fall

It seems as though I have been running from my future for a few weeks now. I need to apply for school and I'm terrified to do so. I'm having a mild panic attack right now. My anxiety really needs to be controlled more often than it is. I'm afraid of getting older for the first time in my life and under preferential circumstances I would just stop time right now.

Maybe I'm freaking out simply because I have not made my rolls yet. I never used to procrastinate anything and lately, it seems as though I procrastinate everything.

I will be okay.



Still I Rise
Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Wish Me Luck, Wish Me Love

I have been busy busy! It has been great. It keeps life moving and keeps me moving and keeps me smiling and keeps me from dwelling on any broken hearts. I was given a great idea to do a blog completely devoted to my dating escapades and exploits.

There are really moments when I can hardly believe all that has happened since I moved back. It seems impossible that I have been away from Andrew for as long as I have been. It seems like I'm starting to forgive him finally. I just hope he's happy and I never want to see or hear from him again. I can't decide if the damage I have been undoing is solely from him or if it's a culmination of never really having been single and actually dealing with my relationship baggage.

This is the first moment I have really taken for myself in a while. It's nice.

I went back to Seattle for the first time last week. I felt closure on that chapter in my life finally. I don't, in any way, regret moving back. Don't get me wrong, I love Seattle and miss it dearly but I made the right decision. I met a man there who had the potential to sweep me off my feet but how could I let him? He is so far away! We are worlds away in so many aspects. He says he wants to come visit me in May, but I doubt that this will happen.

When I left Seattle on Wednesday, I felt so bittersweet. Like I was breaking up with the city. It was a strange sensation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78Jea5LKK10&feature=related

Goodnight and goodluck

I hate this dating crap. There is so much insecurity, uncertainty and doubt to have to power through. But on the same note, being told by several men that you are beautiful, that you have an incredible body, that there is chemistry between us, all of that makes me feel so good about myself. I can't help it, I love to be complimented. It confirms the things I should already know about myself. But I believe that on some level, everyone is just a little bit self-conscious.

I do have a choice and they are all good choices so far, but I definitely have a preference on who I really want things to work out with. I just don't know though!

My whole body hurts right now. My throat, my muscles, my head, my abdomen, my feet. I'm so tired. I really just need to lay down and take a nap. I'm cold and I'm hot, I'm angry and I'm happy. I really need to stop leaving work early. I'm hungry too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Tt2u-S7NTs&feature=related

You know I believe and how

I loathe being sick. Three cough drops and two cups of green tea in, I think I'm finally starting to feel a little better.

Every time my phone rings or beeps I hope upon hopes that it is you. It brightens my day when it is you and makes me a little bit sad when it isn't you. I want to cancel all of my other dates but I realize that you have not asked me to be yours and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, in case you drop my basket and break my heart.

You say you are not going anywhere and talk about doing things in the summer with me and that life brings me a sort of bliss. You would contribute so much to my already wonderful life and that is what I'm looking for. I don't want to take care of someone and I don't want to be taken care of.

All the places that you know

"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey."


I adore this quote. It gives me a good reminder that everything will be okay. Everything happens for a reason and though I may not know when in the thick of a sinister world, that my bliss is just on the other side.

I keep thinking that I have found a great guy. And each time it turns out to be a fluke. So I'll say this with the most caution, I think I have finally found a great guy. But I will continue to be cautious with my heart at this point. I really want to add him to my life and be a part of his. I put my hook out last night and he bit. Usually when I cook for a man, he is mine. He even ate a second helping. And he put his plate in the sink! What an amazing two evenings with an amazing man.

I'm starting to get really excited about Seattle. We'll be going to a Mariner's game. And thinking about all the food I'm going to get to eat again just makes me so happy!

I have so much going on in my life right now. I also have bouts of anxiety. I wish I could completely get those under control. I can work when I'm on my death bed sick but when my anxiety gets out of control I can't handle being there.

I will be applying for school on Friday the 15th. I hope everything works out as I have planned but they rarely do. But as mentioned above, everything happens for a reason.

I Tried to be Chill, But You're So Hot That I Melted

I have a massive headache today.

It's interesting to me how people can come in and out of your life and the marks that they leave behind them. Just in the last year I can think of so many people who have come in and out of my life, some who have come and stayed in my life who have left a legacy in my heart and contributed to who I am. This experience is priceless. I love meeting and talking to new people and I love all the new friends I have made in my recent past.

The whole world has opened up to me recently, maybe it's that I have opened up to the whole world. I'm ready to really begin to experience all that life has to offer.

Right now I am happy and hopeful.

At this moment you mean everything

I took pictures of my body last night that I like, which means I can now officially see my weight loss. I look really good! It's amazing how an unhealthy relationship can foster such an unhealthy lifestyle which creates a terrible self image which circles back around to continuing with said unhealthy relationship. I'm so thankful to have gained the courage and strength to break that circle and come back around to who I really am. And who I am is not the weak person who stayed in the circle almost a full two years longer than she should have. Lesson learned. Painful lesson, but lesson none the less.

I woke up really early today! It probably helps that I was in bed way earlier than normal. It felt good. I have so much day ahead of me before I even need to be to work. I can feel that my life is making a turn into a place that I want to be. Do you ever just feel like something really good is about to come into your life?

And at the same time, I'm so scared to let myself feel good about this one. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has to right? It does with every other guy. Is he really looking for a girlfriend or is he just looking to get laid? Until proven otherwise, I think I'm going to have to say that he is just looking to get laid. And I have to treat my interaction with him accordingly. I'm worth more than allowing anyone to use me and leave me out to dry. I think my self image has been so low that I'm ready and willing to do anything for any cute boy who looks my way. No more, the pain from my past will no longer play such a strong influence on my future. This will be the next evil circle in my life I have to break out of.

I'm thinking about getting a new job. The day after I get back from Seattle has got to be dedicated to getting my school stuff taken care of. I think I will stick with my sociology major just to get through it. I'm also going to get a job in a restaurant like the one I want to open. I'm starting to wane on the idea and I promised myself I would stick with it, even when I'm waning on the idea. So that is what I will do. But as far as school goes, that is just a milestone I want to complete for me and sociology interests me so I'll stick with it for my degree.

I have to get my debt paid off. My car will be paid off in a year and that will free up all sorts of money. My car insurance will go down at that point also and all of that extra can go into my credit card and student loan debt. I have to get to a point that I can replace the timing belt in my car. I don't need that disaster in my life. Maybe I'll see if I can borrow the money from my parents. I hate Andrew for having not done it last year like I asked him to. Why did I waste my time with him? He did so much damage in my life! I don't know if I will ever forgive him and be at a point where I can be his friend. It's been 7 months since we broke up and I hate him as much as ever, if not more.

My paragraphs are very grammatically incorrect. We'll go ahead and just refer to them as shifts in thought. The periods between my next ranting of words.

There is so much more I want to do with me life, but up to this point, I am very happy with what I have been able to accomplish with my life. I have lead a story-worthy life and that is all that I can ask of myself. I didn't close myself off to experience in order to achieve a prestigious career early in my life. I fear that people who do that are setting themselves up for a midlife crisis when they are older and realize they have done nothing but worked their lives away.

Lightin bugs are floatin on the breeze

Could it really be a dream come true? It must be too good to be true.

The hammer caught me as a lesson you know

I've gone and done it. I delved into online dating. Blah. If nothing else the attention I'm getting improves my confidence. So even if I don't meet anyone, and I'm not sure I want to meet anyone, I have a winning situation going with this. It works for me. I do really want to retreat into my own world.

I don't want to work today. I'm feeling so lazy right now! I have got to close my computer and turn off my phone and just go outside. I hate when I get into this introvert funk.

Let's see where life is going to take me from here.

From the lonely seat

I should know better when my heart is involved. I'm so tired of having my heart broken. I'm so jaded by men. I don't know what you want with me. I'm sure I've served my purpose in his life now. I just keep doing this to myself! I hate when I'm just another dumb woman. I knew better! My better judgment told me not to! Not when my heart is involved.

Had it been another day

Staying up until four in the morning and being completely and totally exhausted all day was worth wile in so many ways. But I am SO insanely tired right now. I hope dearly to spend many more nights like last night.

The actors here have not got a clue

I love coffee. I finally have real coffee again and it makes me over the top happy. I really need to get laid. This holding out self-control shit makes me contemplate random acts of rage. If my morning coffee didn't make me blissfully happy, I would probably be a raging bitch right now. Not to mention my neighbor woke me up at 3:00 this morning fucking the shit out of some girl. I'm pretty sure the bed knocking against the wall was about two seconds from bringing down the whole building. I think I will leave a note congratulating him on his fuck and requesting, on behalf of the building, that he move his bed away from the wall. Next year at this time I hope to be in Austin at SXSW. We can hope and dream right?

Come on be the one.

I'm trying out a different kind of man this time.

The Call and The Answer

Today, I feel amazing. The sun is shining, the wind is not blowing and to this point, my day has been nothing short of perfect. Any day I get to lay in the park, basking in the sun, listening to podcasts and reading my magazines could not be called anything short of perfect. Friday I will get to buy my Seattle tickets and I will be there in less than a month. I'm so excited! I miss Seattle so much.

It's alarming how much of my past I have simply forgotten. Last night in my bout of insomnia I read my old journals. And the terrible part is I tore out some of the really bad parts. Now, I will probably never really remember some things and barely remember others. Is this normal? Does this happen to everyone? Or do I just put the bad things out of my mind? Is this my coping mechanism? I guess I'll never really know will I?

Daylight savings time makes me so happy. Longer, warmer days as I and the rest of the world prepare for the three best seasons, spring, summer and fall. I'm so excited for farmer's markets to start opening again. And the long, drunken summer nights full of wine and liquor, next to the pool or in the park or on the porch of a local bar. And lets not forget the sun-kissed skin, the bleached out blonde my hair will get when exposed to the sun and skirts. While were at it, I should also mention the Rockies games, the concerts at Redrocks, and starting school with in bikepath/walking distance. This is destined to be the best summer I've had in a long time.

Isn't amazing what ridding yourself of toxic people can free you up for? I'm ready to see what else life has in store for me. Good or bad. This has been an amazing year so far. In the seven months I have been single, I have done so much self-discovery and healing.

You Can't Await Your Own Arrival

The emotion that I need to convey when I put my fingertips to the keyboard is unrecognizable to me. How do I describe something I have never felt before? I'm naked. My skin, my self, my being as I have known it for so long is gone, the molting process which ended so painfully has ended and here I sit, naked. Exposure to the world is fascinating and creates a sort of fear and idyllic sense of the future for me. When I no longer yearn for the company of a man, I will be truly ready to have one. Here, tonight, I found myself with a sense of longing while I lay in bed by myself. Though I do feel as though I'm starting to really, adamantly, appreciate being by myself. It was brought to my attention recently that I've been addicted to a toxic kind of man. It really was a slap in the face, interrogation room bright lights, come to jesus, epiphany for me. My only focus going forward is me.

In this moment, with my world falling down around me, I feel almost blissful. Lately, in spite of all my turmoil I have been so very good at finding my bliss. And why not right? Why not is my new motto in life. I have got to start really challenging my comfort zone, expanding my horizons if you will. This is, after all, my meaningful life project.

Not all who are lost, wander.

I think I'll write a self-help piece and call it "When your ex compares you to heroine" the addictive and deadly aspects of being you. This whole thing just makes me realize how sincerely fucked up I really am. Do you think this correlates to the never have really been single aspect of my life; that maybe I've never taken the time to actually heal from the damages of being in a relationship? I think that being single for the summer will really be a good healing time for me. I absolutely have to build on my confidence and learn to love myself again.

This is what I want to work on in myself:

learn to stick to my budget
kickstart my diet again.
finish my window project
start school again
finish school
plant my window garden
improve my recipe base/cooking ability
get a tan

Sing, Swing, Sing

I am feeling strangely fine. Different, but good. Its as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This relief is beyond comprehension or description. For now, I just have to take my life day by day. Katrina made another valid point last night. She mentioned that I had not gone a single week with out a meltdown. I think it's time I do go an entire week without a meltdown. It's a good place to start. It starts today. I start today.

I don't think I would ever want to be able to start my car from my phone. That is just scary to me.

It feels like this will be a huge turning point in my life. It will be one that I am ready for.

I will be okay.

if i take my eyes off the prize then it never was

I'm throwing in the towel on this one. I have nothing else to give you. You are simply a flaky friend. When you are ready to include me in your life again, don't expect to easily just pick up. It's not going to happen. I can honestly say there is not a single man whom I have feelings for right now and I don't really know what to make of it. I've never really been in a position where I didn't even have a crush on anyone. I have a love affair with learning all that I can about cooking, preserving and growing food. It's hard to believe where I have found myself in my life. I'm really anxious right now. I have to make it to SXSW in the next five years. I want to go so badly. I'm totally not financially able to go right now.

Katrina made a pretty valid point on why I might be so gungho on this one. She thinks I get every guy I really truly want. She says I just dig my claws in and he is naturally mine and I thought I had this one and he escaped my grasp. I think she makes a valid point but is not 100% correct.

There's Chicken In The Fridge

Do you ever wonder if there is someone else in the world doing exactly what you are doing at the exact same moment you are doing it? Like now, wouldn't it be amazing if there was another young woman, staying home from work due to a migraine, watching He's Just Not That Into You, eating roasted potatoes, and making tomato soup. This migraine is getting pretty old.

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better. I would probably be okay to go to work tomorrow but I have to go to that doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's long overdue.

I've been trying to detox my body a some with dried plums. I seem to be a lot less bloated today which is helping me feel more comfortable. I want to live part time on the coast. Wouldn't that be nice? I love the ocean so very much and seeing video shots just makes me long for it. Maybe when I get older I'll retire and open a Bed and Breakfast on the coast.

It seems like I will never be anyone's true exception. I think this is the first moment since my breakup that I have truly felt lonely and longing to be with someone. I don't really know what to make of this transgression. Maybe once I clean my apartment today, it will make me feel better.

I'm throwing myself into my food and learning to improve my writing. I'm also going to check into whether CU Denver has a restaurant management degree. This is my time to refine my craft and I'm stepping it up a notch.

Two Grand Slam Stories

My apartment and my life are a mess. Pretty much, I just feel numb and angry and stressed out. I am my only salvation in this world. I am the only one who can make me happy and quite frankly, I'm just done with most other people. Really, slowly, and officially, I feel like I'm slipping into a slight depression. My confidence is nil and void right now. Maybe I'm pms-ing. I just feel off and upset. Nothing is making me feel better right now.

How is it that I have taught all of my ex's about learning to love and how to do well for themselves and yet here I am, lonely, broken, and unwanted? My heart is broken in so many pieces and each time I try to pick them up, something else comes along, shattering the broken pieces into millions of shards of what used to be my heart, my soul, who I am. I don't know who I am. So many pieces are lost, there are so many voids that need to be filled with new pieces and in the meantime, pain is just pouring from the voids.

I decided to come home from work, my headache had gotten entirely too awful to bear the terrible lighting and echoing noise of the warehouse building. And now that I'm home the dryer is squeaking in the room next to me. FML. I don't think I will go to work tomorrow either. Between now and then I will figure out what I'm going to do about finding a doctor to sign off on my fmla paperwork so I'm not penalized at work for missing. I'm tired.

I ain't no beauty queen

I picked up my garden journal today to start planning my 2011 garden. It will be a quarter of the size as last years garden and it will be only in my window sill but I think that plants in my little apartment will make all the difference in how I feel day to day. Especially now that the cat has moved out. I'm planning mostly herbs: dill, mint, lavender, thyme, rosemary, chives, basil, oregano, and sage. I'm also going to get a jasmine plant to hang, a prayer plant or a peace lily to put in the bathroom window and a snake plant to put behind my stereo. I might also put some inexpensive, colorful annuals in my bed window. We'll see how my garden budget looks by the time I do everything else. Plants make me so happy. Something about growing something successfully just has such an intense effect on my outlook of the world. It releases infinite endorphins.

I also started writing down my recipes in my recipe journal. I think this will keep me grounded in my dream to open my restaurant. I also spent some time on the facebook page of one of my favorite restaurants where I picked up some more information. It was really pretty calming for me to have spent my morning doing two of these things that I LOVE doing.

Lately, my journal posts have been a few days worth of me adding on to one post. My mind is so wanderous lately that it's hard for me to feel like a post is finished in one sitting.

I made incredible cinnamon rolls last night.

I want to know where my life is going, it feels so meaningless and lost right now. I feel like I have no direction. I do have direction and plans. I do plan on going back to school this summer and I do dream of opening my restaurant where I can have a beautiful effect on people's lives every single day.

I think I'm ready to find love in my life again. It seems like I have had enough of my single person, going out all the time, dating random guys, single lifestyle. It's just not really me. But I'm very thankful to have had the experience, now I know that I'm not really missing anything. Waking up hungover all the time, regretting things done and said, I'm just not feeling like this is the best way to go forward with my life. It's time to focus on self improvement, developing my style, my flair, and who I really am. I have some room to grow and I'm ready to get started with who I want to be. As of today, I am completely self-assured in what I want in my life. I want to find someone to spend my life with, to build a dream with and maybe have a family with. I want to finish school in the next two years. I want to pay off all of my debt in the next 5 years and I want to open my restaurant in the next 8 years.

I am a beautiful, dynamic, hard working woman who will make all of this happen. I have a make it happen attitude and demeanor and it's time to put it to work. I'm finding my way in life, it would just be nice to feel like I had a set direction every now and again.

Just The Way You're Gonna Do

I feel like my life is on a precipice of evolving into another era for me. I think I may be molting. Maybe that is what all of my recent growing pains have been about, maybe it is all just in the process of my molting.

The situation in my family is highly stressful. My confidence is pretty down right now. Today, I decided to dig around in my memory box and I came across a teddy bear that Austin had given me in high school. Totally broke my heart.

I made it back to my Denver studio where I was not greeted by my cat and it made me a little sad. It's so quiet here with out him. I will be super broke for the next two weeks but I think I will get by okay.

I do feel better now than I did earlier today. The air, the stressed out air, in my parents' community was suffocating. I think if I would have stayed any longer I would have legitimately gotten sick. I think I'm done with Austin, either he is playing some kind of game with me or he has turned into the world's flakiest friend and to be honest, I don't have the energy for games or flaky friends. I'm really just done with a lot right now. I absolutely have to focus on self-improvement and on the things I love because if I don't, I kid you not, I will lose it. I'm so close to just losing it now. But I will be cooking two things that I am amazing at cooking this week. Tonight, Ashley is coming over for pizza and a movie. I look like someone kicked my ass and I feel about as good as I look.

I definitely just got back from Safeway, where every guy who was good looking and checking me out had a girl on his arm. Also, I definitely spent half an hour on hair and makeup for my five minute trip into Safeway where I also wore sexy heels. It's just kind of disappointing that every man I think is attractive is just unavailable to me. I really just don't believe that I will ever find love again. I'm just not meant to have love in my life, I guess. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of playing games and getting hurt. I'm just done with it all. Just frustrated and irritated. I don't want to try anymore.

I'm a shepherd for you, let me guide you through.

If I'm ever to find a love in my life, my perfect love in my life, I should probably get an idea of what that should look like no? So I think I'll start to figure this out. This posting will be a list of qualities I want in my life partner.

He will tell me and mean it that I am beautiful all the time.
He will think my cooking is the best he has EVER had, even better than his mother's.
He will support my hopes and dreams.
He will adore me.
He will be tall.
He will play the guitar.
He will share my love affair with music.
He will share my love affair with wonderful food.
He will never question, and will always go along with, even if he thinks I'm crazy, my environmental antics.
He will love my garden as much as I do and want to join in.
He will take an interest in things that interest me.
He will love it that I take interest in things that interest him.
We will have an active lifestyle.
He will like sports and want to watch them on t.v. and in person.
He will like wine,and most importantly, want to try new wines with me.
He will argue back when we fight.
He will comfort me when I'm down.
He will not treat me like I am stupid.
He will respect me, even when I'm acting like a fool.
I will be in awe of him every day.
I will always want to work things out with him.
He will love my art.
He will appreciate my taste in art and if not, at least know why he doesn't and have his own taste.
He will be intelligent.
He will dress stylishly but not be obsessed with clothes.
He will be mechanically inclined and know how to fix things.
He will be my best friend.
He will be able to maintain intelligent and non-intelligent conversation with me.
I will be able to learn from him and he from me.
He will have a sense of humor.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

I'm really not feeling today. I just don't feel okay. My confidence is down, my sprit is non-existent. And I still have two days to work until I have some time off. My job has become a social setting where I am able to get a great workout, and get paid to make friends. Is there ever such a thing as normal? Will I ever feel genuinely happy more often than not? Will I find love in my life? Will I ever stop getting zits? Will the pain of my grandmother's passing ever truly fade? How do I find love in my life again? I just want to feel wanted. Truly wanted. I haven't felt this way, wholly and completely since before Andrew and I got together which was when Chris and I were together which was over 5 years ago. God, I can't believe how long it's been since that time in my life. I have had the opportunity, in my life, to find a distinguished love affair with food, food culture and everything that goes into food and food culture. I feel that for my age and background, my palate and taste is highly evolved. But to have completely gotten over me so beyond disappointing. In the back of my head I always wanted a chance to do our relationship again. We had such an amazing and dynamic relationship and to be quite honest, it still is an amazing and dynamic relationship in it's own capacity. I've decided to name my restaurant "Roberta's" after the woman who gave me the inspiration and background to begin my life in food. Her garden, her relentless baking, her canning, her everything food instilled a love affair of my lifetime. She picked wild berries, raised her own meat, grew her own veggies and then preserved them for the winter. Her bread was legendary and her spirit was always strong. I like to think I have her perseverance and spirit, green thumb and talent with dough. These things make me feel better about losing her to dimentia. It gives me a great deal of pride to know that my carrying of these qualities give me an opportunity to develop and carry on with them, to pass them on to as many people who will allow me to and "Roberta's" will be the best goal in which to place my perseverance and spirit. It will be "down-home" food where you can go and hear live music, taste fresh, local, comfortable, creative food. People will leave having experienced the spirit and legacy of my grandmother.

Broken wing

My grandmother has officially been diagnosed with dimentia. She is on the very verge of very bad. The pain that I'm experiencing is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am very much so little miss one big mess right now and I want to be in your arms right now more than anything. I need you now and you aren't here and I don't have any way of knowing if or when you will be. This is on the verge of intolerable.

She hates her haircut

Strangely, I'm not as disappointed as I expected to be about tomorrow. It will give me more time to lose more weight before I see you again. And it will save me some money. And it will give me an opportunity to really decide what I want. And really, do I need to decide what I want right now? Honestly, past getting back into school, I don't really know what else I want. Day by day, minute by minute, experience by experience is all that I can focus on right now. Knowing how to keep myself from falling into a boredom that allows for meltdowns is all that is saving me from myself. I was able to purchase smaller clothing again today. I'm finally beginning to actually see weight loss. Last night, I stayed up entirely too late and now I'm pretty tired tonight. I could really use some affection right now. My anxiety is starting to get out of hand this week. I'm going to need to make a doctor's appointment so I can get some xanax. I'm getting really close to crawling into a shell again. It could have a lot to do with my phone situation. I'm almost 100% confident that you are blowing me off and it breaks my heart and shatters my confidence. I know I'm not ready to be with anyone yet because I'm asking myself how much longer do I have to endure this? I know that I will not be truly ready to love someone wholly and completely until I am satisfied completely with being on my own. A man is an accessory, not the main focus. I just want to be numb right now. I don't want to feel anything for a while.

The miseducation of me

Insomnia has stricken me like a stone in a tube sock tonight. I'm so tired but my mind is so awake. It is terrifying to me that you might not make it on Thursday. I hope to God you are playing a the "game" with me and not just being a flaky friend. How is it that I'm still finding myself in the position to cry at night? There are just some nights where the emptiness and loneliness of where I'm at in my life just sinks to the bottom of my soul. It rattles my every nerve and shakes my core until the tears begin to fall uncontrollably and with out shame. More than anything I want to know what the "purpose" of this pain is. Because really, there are moments when it borders on unparalleled and unbearable. This is really the first moment I have seriously considered throwing up in a long time. How do people survive tragedy in their lives? What I have endured in my life is hardly comparable to most, I'm sure. Why does it feel like I am so damaged and so alone in my damages? This pain tonight just feels so primal, having taken over every last muscle, turning my stomach to a churning urn of anxiety and fear. Shaping me into an adult has been a long and arduous process. When I wake up tomorrow morning I will feel strong and amazing again. I knew when I got home earlier that this was going to happen. I could sense it coming on.

Tomorrow I will get my discount plane tickets, now I just have to wait on my vacation request to be approved. I'm sure it will be. I already have the weekend and weekdays are usually pretty easy to request off. This trip will exactly what I need for it to be. It will be fun, it will mark a form of closure for me and it will be the opening of new doors for me.

Maybe all of these tears are simply the growing pains of shedding the person I used to be in order to become the person I know I'm meant to be. And by all means, do I know who I am? I highly doubt that I have the first idea of the person I am and want to be. I am a constantly molding and reforming human being who is in a search for making myself into the best possible person I know how to be. And this comes not from a static and unmoving and unyielding life. This comes from knowing and understanding my flaws in order to form not only an acceptance of those unchangeable flaws but also being willing to change those things in which are yielding and can be differentiated. I accept criticism willingly and even seek it out when I sense an inconsistency in my outlook on life.

It has been six months since Andrew and I were still technically together and over a year since i first started trying to figure out how to get out of that relationship and about 8 months since the moment I knew I could never love him again. They say that victims of different abuses find ways to blame themselves for what happened. And when I think about that night, think about trying to re-establish a sex life with him, think about running my hands over his body, think about having planned all day to go down on him, think about him answering his phone in this, think about hoping it would be hot for me to continue as he was on his phone, think about him grabbing my arm hard enough to leave a mark, think about pausing with his grip, looking me in the eye with a hatred I have never known before or since and then throwing me off of him, I feel like maybe it was my fault. When I think about all the times he took every opportunity to say something negative to me, think about little thing after little thing he had something to say about, think about every dream of mine he squelched, every opportunity he had to celebrate with me and turned into something that wasn't worth celebration, I begin to wonder if maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not worth celebration, I'm not beautiful enough to be complimented when I spend hours getting ready to look beautiful on our night out. When I think about the night I was sexually assaulted I blame myself for letting him into my house, for going out with him, hell for meeting him in the first place. I've blamed myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I internalize the shame that I feel for being dumb enough to have "let that happen to me." And because of this I do not allow myself to trust anyone. All the scars left behind from having been burned a hundred too many times just seem too fresh.

I just want everything to be okay and it will never be the level of okay that it was when I was three and it is just too bad that you aren't aware of what you should be thankful for as a three year old.