Rosemary

I have spent a better part of the day being confused and upset about my friends' reactions to the boy I think I may want to start dating. I'm going to just put it out there that I think they over reacted to what they found flawed in him and that simply put, he has more work to do to impress me. I'm just frustrated with the process of dating. It would be really great if my friends could like the guy I'm dating for once in my life. It's not something I have to decide about tonight.

I do like him, I think. He is not like most of the guys I date in many ways. And I've been trying to break my own mold in the type of guy I choose. I feel like I need to give him a chance. But I'm also concerned that I am settling on characteristics that I wouldn't normally accept in an effort to have somebody in my life. It was nice to have someone in my bed last night.

Here We Are

I'm starting to feel a little bit of sadness over leaving this apartment. I love it here. This is my most favorite place that I have ever lived and so many things have happened while I've been here that it makes it hard to leave. I've never felt such an attachment to a place. Not even the house I grew up in. I may even cry a little when I finally do move out. This is the first place which has literally been my own and in it, I have come to know so much about me and have grown to be so much closer to the person I want to be. It's like I'm scared that by leaving here I could screw up all of my progress. I will always have my memories of this place and I will always look back quite fondly at this place and this time in my life. What an amazing last year and a half I've had. My life figuratively turned upside down. What I once knew to be true no longer plays any role in what I know my life to be today. It's simply a testament to my ability to survive and to evolve into who I should be and who I want to be. I am okay. I will be okay. Everything works out in the end.

Maybe Next Time

It's as though I'm just wreaking of anti-manness. I can not figure out this weird lull in my message receipts. It's been such a strange week. But the good news is that I successfully did my backbend this evening. Several times. I feel a massive wave of ADD tonight. I can not concentrate on anything. Maybe it's because my last class was so good, my presentation turned out well and my professor will not be docking me 20 points because I'm a dumb shit. I should just go to bed before I incriminate myself anymore. And it was such a nice day out and tomorrow is Friday. This mix up in my week makes my week go so very quickly. It's nice in a way. I like the speed that time is moving at this point. I want to be in the next stage of my life. I want for all this work I've put into myself to pay off finally. I want to be in my career and making good money and maybe in a relationship (which is looking unlikely ever)

The First One Worth Driving

Oh my goodness. I am a mess. I just freaked out over the possibility that Andrew will find love in his life again before I will. American Ido is the worst thing I have ever watched in the entirety of my life. I don't even have the sound on and just the absurdity of what I see simply out of the corner of my eye makes me want to fight. This is the worst portrayal of Colorado I have ever seen. It's atrocious.

It occurred to me, this morning, that I have stopped picturing my future with a man in it. I don't care anymore. Or maybe it's just that I have given up hope that a man exists for me in the future. Maybe I have spent so many years in a relationship that I have maxed out my relationship karma. Or maybe I need to be selfish for a while longer. And enjoy not having to share or smell other people's farts or worry about someone else smelling my feet after a long day or morning breath or erect penis' in my back when I wake up in the morning, spewing little bits of pre cum in an effort to woo me into spreading my legs when I feel least sexy during the day.

It makes me crazy nervous that I'm going to get fired at my job. They keep firing people who are seemingly good employees.

Apples In A Bowl

I'm in a very strange mood, at the moment. Max seems to have disabled his profile and I haven't heard from him since my last text, Thursday. It's not a terrible long time but a long enough time that I'm ready to give up on it. I'm disinterested in all things man right now. My heart is a little disappointed and it's causing me to feel a little melancholic. I need a new computer. My hair has gotten much longer. I should take a geography course. I'm really stressed out about my project. I think I will allow myself a meltdown this evening. And then I can regroup and start moving forward again. Seriously, four dates and you don't have the courtesy to just tell me you are not interested? I hate having been left hanging. I feel very lost, in this moment. Lost and insignificant. My cold sore is pissing me off I'm feeling unattractive. What caused Max to go away? I can not think of a single moment when I felt like things went haywire. It has to not have anything to do with me. Or he just isn't attracted to me. It's just such a damn bummer. I need a good dose of fukitol. I need to work on my homework again. I just don't even know anymore. But did I ever know?

Addendum... (a few hours later)

I finished the first draft of my power point, cleaned my apartment, made a pot of chili, did my dishes and in general was a complete rockstar, today. I don't care about Max, anymore. He can go fuck himself. I will find someone who knows he wants me. Whatever his deal is is not about me. I will not apologize for who I am and who I am is all I know how to be. So whoever will be in my life will accept that. Period.

I swear I was Born Right in The Doorway

What I had planned to do tonight was dive into my project. But I got home and cleaned up my apartment and realized my tummy hurt a bit still from lunch and that I wanted to to finish listening to the wiretap episode I had started this morning. And now I want to watch Grimm and chill the fuck out. I think I'll take a benedryl and go to bed super early. Tomorrow will be a really good day... I think. Max never replied. It's okay. I'm really not that upset about it. What I really want to do is provide each guy who doesn't contact me a survey to find out what is causing guys to walk away. I don't have an objective view of myself and as strange as it seems, I am beyond open to constructive criticism. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I don't really think I want a boyfriend anymore. It seems like more trouble than it's worth. I'm starting to get really good at this being single thing. I have things that I do and and enjoy by myself. I don't have to share the television or the bed with anyone else. I can fart obnoxiously and disgustingly all night long and not be worried at all.

I'm completely obsessive compulsive. I have got to stop doing that shit. Honestly. It's terrible! Just say no! Do not push the refresh button, do not log it, stop checking.

I Believe Because It Works

I put out another feeler to test the waters with Max about 3 hours ago. And I have not heard anything back. I have been putting them out from time to time to test his level of interest. I don't want to continue to have feelings for him if he doesn't reciprocate them. We had come to a point in the conversation when he had indicated he had a new project so my response, very purposely was, "I'm excited for you to tell me all about it next time we hang out." As an indication that I want to see him again. And nada. So I will give him until the end of the weekend to get back to me before I move on.

Maybe I should whiten my teeth.

Today during class I really felt a disconnect between the way I see the world and communicate my though process and how many of the younger students in the class explain their own thought processes. I am miles beyond many of them and I don't really know when I developed such adult communication skills. I'm sure it came from working in a professional/quasi professional setting and the call center likely has helped as well. I was appalled at some of the responses people had as their first thoughts in a Islam word association. How do people have such closed, uneducated minds about things? What is the harm in opening one's mind and heart to the possibility, make that likelihood that everything you believe can and likely at some point will be called into question disproved and challenged and that this is no reason to feel down. I celebrate my agile ability to change my mind upon presentation of enlightening new information. Why aren't other people?

This holding out for a good guy thing is hard and frustrating and time consuming. And since I have put this much time into already, I don't want to settle for anyone less than what I deserve. I want someone who is crazy about me. And I just haven't gotten that from anyone so far. I start to feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. I am, after all, the common denominator in this whole mess. But what is it that I'm doing wrong?

The comedy show last night was amazing. I'm a little concerned with myself that I found the comedian who looked like Austin to be really attractive.

What am I going to do with my life? I wish I had all the pieces to the puzzle. I wish that searching for the different pieces wasn't so cumbersome and time consuming. But I suppose that the journey in the the search is what counts as life and all I can do in my journey is make it a good story.

Just a Quick Reminder

He will tell me and mean it that I am beautiful all the time.
He will think my cooking is amazing.
He will support my hopes and dreams.
He will adore me.
He will be tall.
He will share my love affair with music.
He will share my love affair with wonderful food. And be an adventurous eater.
He will never question, and will always go along with, even if he thinks I'm crazy, my environmental antics.
He will love my garden as much as I do and want to join in.
He will take an interest in things that interest me.
He will love it that I take interest in things that interest him.
We will have an active lifestyle.
He will like sports and being active.
He will like wine and beer,and most importantly, want to try new wines and beers with me.
He will argue back when we fight.
He will comfort me when I'm down.
He will not treat me like I am stupid.
He will respect me, even when I'm acting like a fool.
I will be in awe of him every day.
I will always want to work things out with him.
He will love my art.
He will appreciate my taste in art and if not, at least know why he doesn't and have his own taste.
He will be intelligent.
He will dress stylishly but not be obsessed with clothes.
He will know how to fix things.
He will be my best friend.
He will be able to maintain intelligent and non-intelligent conversation with me.
I will be able to learn from him and he from me.
He will have a sense of humor.
He will be sure of his want of me.
He will able to communicate with me.
He will have his shit together.
He will not smoke cigarettes.
He will love my body.
He will not have the eating habits of a six year old.
He will not be a lawyer.

Watching Me Get Undressed

It's only half way through the first month of the year and already I feel as though things are so much different this year. The indications that 2012 is going to be a big and life changing year are just screaming at me. And it's scary. And it's exciting. It's not as though I can provide you with a solid explanation for this prediction, this undeniable sense that I can't seem to shake.

One year ago I was working at Costco, I was barely able to manage my bills and I was seeing a boy who I knew was a complete and total rebound. I had my final falling out with Andrew. I was completely unsure that I was going to survive the mess I had created of my life and I was in love with Austin still. Mess is an understatement.

At this moment I understand that having survived four years with Andrew, turning my life upside down and walking away, coming back to Colorado, sticking my neck into a scenario I didn't know if I could make it through, having come out of this better than before is amazing.

I am amazing. I am a survivor. I can forgive. I can evolve. I am the person I have always wanted to be and for that, I am grateful. I am not willing to make the same compromises I have made in the past, if only, for the sake of my own sanity and happiness. Because in the end, when I don't take care of me, I no longer have the capacity to be the giving person I know that I am and it's devastating and oh so hard to come back to that point. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. For real and consistently like myself again. And it feels like nothing I can compare.

It's undeniable that I have found some direction in my life. I have been wandering and wondering what I want for myself. Finally, I have some answers to those questions of life direction and some goals to work towards. I know what I'm looking for and I am unstoppable when I know what I want in my life.

And sure, I will have my hiccups from time to time. I will doubt myself. Others will doubt me. I will lose and I will win but in the end I will have my story that, in itself, is a successful triumph of the fact that I tried. This is all I can ask of myself.

In case tomorrow doesn't come, today, I will ensure that I don't have regrets.

Siri Hates Me

I'm not pregnant! Which means something else is potentially wrong with me, but I'll take wins where I can get them, at this point. I don't even care about anything else at this moment. The job can go fuck itself, whatever is going on with Max can go fuck itself, Bellco can go fuck itself, my family member whom I'm unhappy with can go fuck themselves. I feel like I escaped death. Things are going to be very different for me going forward.

I Don't Know If I Am Still Here

My body aches! What the hell? My lower back hurts, my abdomen is cramped, I have a headache, I'm grumpy, my neck is stiff and achy. I'm mad at the world. I think I will take a benadryl and go to bed and try again tomorrow. I'm just really frustrated right now. All of my friends are coupled up, it seems like. Even the friends moving back are coming back coupled up. I don't even understand feeling like I even want to be coupled up. It just feels like everyone else is doing it. I'm going to be bored.

Inside of You

There are so many signs that my personal life is headed in a direction that will be a game changer for my future. So many parts of my life are finally moving in the direction of my dreams and it is so encouraging to keep moving forward. On the other side of that, I'm really concerned that I will experience an unprecedented amount of loss in my life in the next year.

I can't seem to cope with the idea of watching my family age into people I don't recognize and who no longer know who I am. It's increasingly difficult to muster the courage to see Grandma Berta. To see, possibly, the strongest woman I have known in my life shrivel into a shell of someone who looks vaguely like the person who played such a pivotal role in helping me know who I am, I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I can't do it for any extended amount of time with out having to sneak outside and catch my breath and reground myself from losing it. It's just that her gumption and her strength are qualities that I have tried to embody because of her. And here she is, done with life, waiting for it to end. And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to watch my mom lose her mom. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this circumstance and I withdraw from it. I avoid it, actively. It's all that I know how to do. I run away when things become too much for me to handle.

My brother tried to end his life last week. And I would not be surprised if he actually goes through with it. There doesn't seem to be any way that I or anyone else can truly help him. And to watch the turmoil of someone so dear to you whom you can not help is heartbreaking. I spent time mentally preparing myself to lose my brother this morning. It was quite the intense moment of complete and total meltdown.

My cousin starts his house on fire, knocks a piece of shit girl up three times and is rewarded with a fucking house. My brother falls on his ass six million times, fucks up his shit over and over again and he is rewarded with unlimited help. I keep my shit together, correct my own fuck ups, get back up when I fall on my ass and am rewarded with unlimited encouragement to keep doing it myself, to keep up the good work. I need someone to cut me a damn break! When do I get my fucking break? I keep going out with guys who don't seem interested, I keep finding jobs where I'm miserable, I keep having to keep my strong face on and pretend like I am successful when really I'm a scared little girl trying to wear big girl shoes. I don't want to be a big girl anymore. I want someone to take care of me and make me feel safe and wanted. I want to tell Max that I can't see him anymore. I think I just won't answer his messages. I like him. And every guy I legitimately like breaks my heart. I just don't want to do that again so I think I just won't date anymore. I don't want to feel a broken heart from anything more than what I'm already working through.

I have a few projects I want to immerse myself in. Finding a new apartment, re-painting and wall papering my shelf, wall papering the inside of my tv stand, getting rid of my couch and headboard and bed frame, planting a window garden, finding a community garden, finding either an internship or volunteer opportunity over the summer. Hopefully, I will save enough to live over the summer with out getting another job. Either that or an internship. Or maybe I'll just continue going to school. I don't know the options are pretty open. I don't think I got the job at the law firm. I'm not counting on it. I had a few errors in my cover letter and the phone number on my resume was wrong so if either of those things is noticed, I will not get the job. My interview went well but I had a few moments that weren't perfect and I've been beating myself up over it, a bit. Live and learn, live and learn. It would be great to work downtown, though.

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't want to go out on any dates or leave my bed for that matter. I just feel lost.

I want to withdraw and run away.

Good luck, shy ronnie.

Last night, as my date walked out of the door, earlier than I had hoped and I was grappling with my disappointment that the night had to end so soon and my fear that I wouldn't get to see him again. A fear that he was leaving because my food was bad or something or maybe I had said something to turn him off and he was using "class at 9:00 AM" as an excuse to leave. As I was processing this mildly irrational fear and feeling I drunkenly searched through my stuff for the phone number I had written down in case I needed to contact that jackass. And I contacted him. I simply said hi. And he answered right away. And as it was determined that he was in Texas I realized what a blessing it was that he was a long plane ride away and that I wouldn't be seeing him. Because I don't want to be with anyone but Max. I really like him, a lot. I get along really well with him and he is so much fun and is simply adorable. I want to get to know him better but in that, he is the only guy I want to focus on. He feels like home; safe, warm, comforting. And I'm glad we didn't sleep together last night. And I'm impressed that he resisted because I made it really difficult; the girls were out full force and I made him two very strong drinks. Now that we didn't have sex on the third date, I would maybe like to wait even longer. I was reading through an old journal this morning. It is alarming how unhappy I was. I really should not allow myself back into a cycle like that one again.

This is going to be a very, very good year.

Holding a Straight Face

I am really, truly, happy in this moment. I have two weeks before my employment turns to part time and I start classes. Two weeks will go so, so quickly. The life changes I have been on the precipice of are starting to emerge from the behind their curtains and they are so big and so amazing and so beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself a few years back. I am living exactly the life I want to be living and who could ask for anything more than that? I nearly feel euphoric.

And this boy, he feels like a dream. I almost don't believe that he is real. It's impossible to stop thinking about the intensity of the chills down my spine, the way I had to catch my breath when he walked out the door and how every single time I imagine the warmth of his mouth on my breast, his lips on my neck, his hand on my cheek, the taste of his kiss, I question whether or not I made him up in my head and if he is simply a figment of my imagination. He is exactly what I would have made up in my head, given the opportunity.

The mediocrity of my life I felt so strongly about at the end of my relationship with Andrew has had not found a place in my new life. I know how to find the excitement in the mundane and to appreciate the small along with the large. I escaped the mess that was becoming my life and I did it with enough of a shred of sanity to move back home. And as much as it felt like a failure to come home, it was a failure that made so many things in my life what they are today. When I wake up, in the morning, I will be one step closer to being the person I want to be and there is not a single person who can hold me back from doing so. When before, I would have allowed Andrew to discourage me, now I only have myself to know what I am capable of achieving.

I imagine, though, that he is going to cancel on me for Friday. I imagine that some part of this will fall through. Which is likely why I don't believe that he actually exists.

But even if it does, I will be okay. I like the idea of having this one in my life, but I certainly don't need a man in my life, by any means. Things in my life are better than they have been in a very long time and I don't need a man to come along and screw up my progress.

I don't want to be friends with Andrew. Normally, I like to keep my exes as friends. But not him and not DLR. Maybe the time in my life of keeping my exes as friends has passed. Why keep them around? There is a sincerely good reason things didn't work out between us. Andrew nearly broke who I am and DLR is just a poor excuse for a human being. Actually both of them are poor excuses for human beings.

I don't think that I will sleep well tonight.

Protection from mayhem

Katrina told me she is pregnant, yesterday. I think she is telling me the truth. Wrapping my head around this has been really difficult, for some reason. I wish my period would go back to normal! I don't understand why I haven't had one yet. I haven't had sex since before my last period. And I had a doctor do a pregnancy test right before that which came out negative. It's really important that I work my way back out of my funk, today. I think I will take my library book to the park and read and possibly write my thank you's in the park. It is going to be such a beautiful day. It's important that the weather stay nice for awhile. The cold keeps me from going out and enjoying the day and then I fall deeper into myself and my anxiety picks up. I just really don't do well in winter. I feel so much better when Spring comes around.

I just spent the last couple of hours reading over this blog. I'm really not as much of a sap as this thing makes me out to be. Well, maybe I am and I just write when I'm feeling particularly sappy, highlighting my sappiest moments. I use this journaling to express those things that I don't feel comfortable talking about with people. Who wants to hear about feelings? I find them to be, above the top, uncomfortable.

My date(s) the other night(s) went really well. Sometimes our lives collide in the most bizarre ways. New Years Eve was probably the best I have had as far as I remember. Escaping the party we accidentally crashed and were asked to stay at, looking in the window at the hat store, being unable to give the waitress an order because I kept stealing glances at my date instead of reading my menu. But, in my defense, he is nice to look at. And the shared laughter over the ridiculous table beside ours. Not to mention taking the train back to your car so you could drive me home.

Things are looking really good for me. Two more weeks before my life makes a big transition and I'm a little nervous and excited. Everything will be okay.