Doubt

There are times when I appreciate the spontaneity of life and times when I wish life was a little more scripted. I was completely caught off guard on more than instance last night. I think I need to just back off contact with her. I understand where she is coming from. I do, but her approach was awful. I don't think it's fair to ask me to grow up right now. I'm moving at a pace that I am comfortable with. What she went through must have really fucked with her. But what she refused to understand is what I just came out of really fucked with me. I do doubt more of what I'm doing than I used to. That is what happens when you surround yourself with someone who doubts your every move.

Nothing gets done with dust in your gun

This is where I am
This is the level I am at
You should see it here
There is so much to see that

You would hardly believe this is me
for reasons unknown life turns around
and takes me in directions
Both surprise and inspiration bound

I will not settle for anyone
who does not want me
I will not settle for anything
that doesn't fit into my life perfectly

Today, yesterday's me would hardly recongnize
the direction in which my life has turned
But she would certainly understand
all the ways she has been burned

But sometimes it takes a fire
to move the mountains necessary
to bring the changes in your life
That bridge has officially been buried

Nobody Respects a Liar

I feel considerably better today. I started feeling better after I went for a walk last night. My neighborhood is just so awesome it always has a way of lifting my spirits. I can see why location is so important in real estate. I think I might start looking seriously for a new job. My job makes me crazy. Actually, I should have done that with my 5 days off. I think I'll use all my benefits in the next six months while seriously pursuing a different job. I want a job where I can dress like I care. I need to not let anyone force me to accept relationships I'm not ready for. I would be okay with doing exactly what I'm doing for a while. I don't see why there is something wrong with that. And as long as our interactions continues to either stay at last nights level or continue to improve I am satisfied. Wow. I've never experienced something quite so intense. And the scarf? That was fun. I feel like we are on the same level there and that makes me excited to see what else we can do. And what was that rant about women being complicated and hard to read? Was that about me? Am I complicated and hard to read? I can see that.

Look Ma No Hands

I'm completely irritated with myself right now. Really? I'm glad I'm young enough to bounce back from my mistakes. I fully intend to make up for my mistake tonight. Tonight, I bring my A game. What can I throw myself into to make me feel better? Am I mad because I feel unwanted or because I actually wanted a relationship? I think it has more to do with feeling unwanted. I honestly don't think I wanted a relationship. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm just mad that he doesn't seem to want a relationship. That is a little fucked up of me. I'm a little fucked up right now. This really shows me how fucked up I am about men too. I'm okay with just being friends. I don't understand why I'm so fussy right now! I want to do something to change my appearance. I want to do something to change my personality. I want to rebel. How should I do that? I'm about to have a panic attack.

Day Out Day In and Begin Again

This Christmas was not what I hoped for in so many ways and in so many ways it was more than what I could ask for. I figured out that this was the first Christmas I have been single in 9 years. I have also figured out that there are two women in my life who have shut down and stopped living thanks mostly in part to having been emotionally and physically abused by men. I had the displeasure of witnessing the shell of what used to be my grandmother. I missed the last years she still inhabited her body and I'm absolutely heartbroken by it. I didn't even recognize her. She barely knew who I was. She has always been the strongest woman I know and such a rock and guiding beacon in my life and she is not here anymore. Instead, there is this thing that somewhat resembles my grandmother in shape and color but in no other way. How does this happen to someone who was so good at making the best of a shitty life? Why now? I feel like it is now my official duty to overuse all the qualities she instilled in me as a child and young woman. Today I grew up in a way that was very painful for me. But the good news is that I experienced a new pain today and I dealt with it in a healthy way. I neither drank myself passed out nor did I binge and purge. On that note I have not experienced bulimic symptoms in months. And given all I have been through, this is really an accomplishment for me.

Right now is just really a low moment for me. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.

Head In the Sky Like a Kite

I am my own worst critic. It only takes one time of telling me I have done something incorrectly to make me mull it over and feel badly about it and obsess about it and figure out how to resolve the issue long after the issue is no longer an issue. This is really a flaw for me. So I used the word spite. What I meant was that in this certain situation if you reserve the right to hurt me with your flaw, I reserve the right to react the way I react because it hurt me that you did what you did. That is all. Why does the other one get to confess a flaw and I don't get to confess how that flaw will make me feel? Sometimes I think I need to just take her with a grain of salt. I know she means well but to be honest, she is the resident expert on dating around, I seem to have a better knowledge of building long term relationships. And really? 7 pages of why I am wrong seems a little over the top. I refuse to go on feeling badly about this. This character flaw of mine needs to be changed. But at least I have never thrown a snow boot at anyones head. I really need these next 5 days off. I think they will make a huge difference.

I'm just in the dark, feeling my way around a room I've never been in before, and hoping to find a light soon.

The Future Freaks Me Out

What am I going to do with my future? How do I obtain guidance with my future? What the hell do I want to do with my life? Maybe I should start with what I know I do not want to do.

Sales
Garbage collection
Retail
Math
Social Work
House cleaning

Here are some things I think I would like to do with my life

Philanthropy
Open a restaurant
Art
Museum Curator
Admissions counselor
Counselor
Advice Giver
City Planner
Environmentalist
Food buyer
Decision maker
Problem solver
Abstractionist
Creative Thinker
Sociologist
Music producer
Costume Designer
Who the fuck knows

FML

I'm really struggling with what I'm doing right now. Seriously? Is this really happening right now? If I don't get to have another opportunity at last night, especially after tonight, I'm going to be quite devastated.

The Denial Twist

This day is not turning out to be very productive. So far, I got out of bed at 10:00 and watched a movie until noon. I have a feeling that my lifetime is going to be a really great one to be a part of. It seems like as a society we are moving back into communities. There is so much good that can come from a community atmosphere. When you know your neighbors, there is a feeling of safety that you don't get from the sterility of suburbian isolation. My mind is all over the place today. Don't you ever just want to know what the future holds for you? Don't you ever just want to know for sure that you are doing things correctly with your life? What is living life correctly though? I will always find a way to survive and make things okay. It has always been to my advantage that I am resourceful. I really want to be back in school. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure starting in a year will be fine but I want SO badly to be back now.

Today, my future seems so uncertain. Luckily, it seems as though my future will be bright. It just seems like there are so many different ways I could go right now. How is it that I constantly feel like I'm in a crossroad? Is there ever a moment when I'm just sure of my direction? Does that happen in real life? What do I even want? Right now I seem to just be living day to day in an attempt to find who I am again. Do you ever really find your own identity? Can I find my identity the way I am going?

What a crazy random happenstance!

I need to develop the immune system of a super hero. It would be nice to know why I woke up feeling like a sack of potatoes and why I still feel like I'm dragging ass today. I got to explore more of my neighborhood today and I found this great wine shop that is also a liquor store. It was exactly the liquor store I have been hoping to find and it's so close to me! They sell Rogue Hazelnut Nectar ale and dryfly liquor. Two of my Northwest favorites that I did not believe I would get to purchase anytime soon. I literally started to tear up with homesickness when I saw this. I miss Seattle with all of my heart but at this point in my life, I can not remember a time when I was happier.

I seem to seek a new disaster every day

I've been watching a lot of comedy lately. I think it keeps me from taking life too seriously. And why should I take life so seriously? I REALLY want to go snowboarding and am SOOOO bummed about my snowboard. I feel slightly guilty over the fact I am more upset about losing my snowboard than losing my toxic relationship. It would be really helpful if I could get my lungs back into good enough shape so that I could run longer distances and more often. At this point, it's slightly dangerous for me to push my lungs too hard, so I do my best. I have so much more energy from being in better shape. It feels AMAZING!

I want to volunteer somewhere. I also want to find a community garden. I want to see more live music. I want to drink good coffee. I want to taste good wine. I want to experience fantastic, thoughtfully prepared food. I want to wear fabulous heels. I want to embrace my style. I want to go on short road trips. I want to ride my bike to more places. I want to become a library rat. I want to meet other library rats and talk about library rat subjects while sipping on amazing coffee. I want to look in the mirror and believe when I say, damn, you look amazing. I want to make lots of new friends. I want to be inebriated as often as possible. I want to EXPERIENCE, dive head first into the parts of my life that I know to be me and have hidden behind the me that wanted to make him happy.

This year, this year will be my opportunity to find happiness in myself and if the last month has been any indicator, I am well on my way to making this a reality. Right at this very moment, I am comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am and for me, that is downright out of this world.

Just Gonna Stand There and Watch me Burn

The fact that I am out of bed at this morning's ungodly hour is absolutely incredible. However, I did not wake up on good terms. Unfortunately, I woke up on a bad note, actually, in a minor anxiety attack. It's so hard to have any confidence that there are any good men out there right now. And on that note, even if a good man exists, do I really want one in my life? Doesn't that automatically determine I will be doing someone else's cooking and cleaning and generally taking care of another person with out any thanks and appreciation while he makes you feel like a crazy bitch for requesting that at some point some of your needs should be filled? Maybe my concept of a relationship is just really fucked up. Maybe there are relationships where I will not come out of the other side feeling depleted of everything I have to give. This bitter rage is just echoing through every part of my body right now! I hate him! I hate all of the hims that I trusted with my sanity. What is left of my sanity right now is less than questionable. There is not any happiness to be found through a man. The only happiness to be found will only come from me. It's amazing to me that anyone has not been burned enough to trust the person they love.

After four years, four years, of begging you, pleading with you to love me the way I deserve this is where we are at. This is not my fault. I am an amazing girlfriend. The fact that you realized this too late is also not my fault. You critiqued my every move, making me second guess my every confidence. You were never concerned with whether or not I was satisfied, until I stopped sleeping with you. You never understood that when you choose unpacking your suitcase over the girl who just picked you up from the airport in nothing but a trench coat and heels that you destroy her desire to have you. And still I kept you in my life for two more years! What the fuck was I thinking? Did I really not respect myself enough to know that the way you treated me was uncalled for? And now you have the audacity to try and make me talk to you about our relationship. How many nights did I spend screaming at you, begging you to realize that our relationship was not working for me? Don't you remember me keeping you awake because you would not acknowledge that we had issues? Us working on it always turned into me working on it. That was completely unfair for you to put that burden on me and each time I failed at fixing us I lost a little more hope in love. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. You told me Safeway's cookies were better than my homemade cookies! I have not baked for you since! Are you retarded? Really? You Asshole!!! I let myself go. I stopped caring about how I looked, what I did with my life, my passions. I couldn't write, I couldn't sing, I couldn't make art, all because you depleted my soul to an empty shell. So to say I'm bitter is a minor understatement. I have nothing left to give you and I never will. The last I tried to give you, you grabbed my arm, gave me the look of death and pushed me off of you. I will never forgive you for that.

After the Curtain

My resolution for the following year:

It is my turn this year. I will take the time to appreciate myself, developing what is amazing about who I am and accepting my own flaws. It is time that I pay tribute to what God gave me by allowing myself to feel good about being gifted. I have so much to offer the world and it's time I climb out of my hole and begin doing just that, offering my gifts to the world.

The time has come to shake off years of mental abuse from people who did not believe in me. These people have been removed from my life and I feel such a weight lifted from my confidence. Next year will be my year. I will have fun and in the process, learn to love me. After all, how can I trust in the love of another person when I do not love myself.

Today is almost over, tomorrow is a new day and I pray I have many tomorrows to look forward to and many yesterdays to appreciate.