It is hard to describe my melancholy.  How soon is too soon to know that marriage has failed?  When do I know that it is time to be done?  6 months?  2 years?  How long do I endure tolerating my life?  Does this pass?  This really hasn't proven to be my favorite year.

How is it that I find myself so low?  Theoretically everything is amazing right?  I have everything I thought I ever wanted and yet somehow something still feels so wrong.  So out of place.  Like I took a wrong turn back there and I am struggling to untangle the mess I find myself in.  I find myself in a place I never thought I could imagine and yet here I am struggling to breathe with no air. 

I thought the pills would help.  I thought at the very least they would make me numb to my soul crumbling to pieces around the place where I find my life.  I thought I wanted a child with this man who doesn't have the capacity to love even me in the way that I need and now I am terrified at the idea of having a child with someone who doesn't love me in the way that I need.  Is it fair to ask him to be a person who he is not?  Was it fair for me to have married him when I knew this all along?  Was it fair for him to have married me when he could not answer why it was that he was marrying me?  We have failed each other and are both watching helplessly from the sidelines as our partnership spirals a slow and painful death. 

And still friends and family insist that this is just a rough patch and that we will get through it as they have gotten through theirs.  And still I am not convinced that this is just a rough patch.  And still I can not admit out loud that I made a mistake getting married and feel like letting go so soon is a monumental failure that does not mesh well with the picture perfect life I have built.  Such a split would take away a family I have come to love and appreciate and would take time to recover my pride in a way I am not ready to pursue.  Because we can still fix this, right?

I want to fix this, right?  I think so.  But I am working so hard to fix me that I fear I don't have it in me to fix us and I don't think he understands how bad it is enough for him to try fixing it.

Crumbling Dreams

I am so fucking bored lately.  Is this a side effect of the SSRI inhibitor?  I feel a little off-kilter (read fucking psycho) recently.  I yelled at a police officer this morning.  I want to fuck randos but am irritated at the idea of fucking my husband because it irritates me that he can't seem to manage more than one priority at a time and I never seem to that priority.  I want him to remember to help take care of our home.  I want him to remember to send his mother a birthday card.  I want to not have to mother him.  I can't manage to be turned on by a man I have to mother.  Apparently it is a thing for me since this generally seems to be how my relationships turn out.  Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage?  I wanted to get laid and did get laid about as often as I wanted before i was married.  There is something about a man who is not going through the trenches with me that is irresistible.

And don't get me started on my need to be intellectually stimulated by the man who wants to successfully get me in bed.  A man at work who is marginally attractive spoke to me in small detail about  transit market research and I found myself with a marginal crush on the man for a brief period of time.  Apparently talking statistics to me gets me going...  Apparently using words I don't know does the same. 

And I'm stuck!  Because I am in austerity until we close on our house.  And in this moment all I want to do is going fucking crazy, lash out, do something stupid, blow up my life.  I am restless.  It came over me like a wave.  I just can't handle for things to be dull and safe, can I.  But could I ever?

And instead of blowing up my marriage or my life I am simply playing with the matches.  While drunk.  Flirting with the idea of how to find satisfaction with a situation that bores me.  I am not a good caretaker.  I feel like I am in a straitjacket.