It is hard to describe my melancholy.  How soon is too soon to know that marriage has failed?  When do I know that it is time to be done?  6 months?  2 years?  How long do I endure tolerating my life?  Does this pass?  This really hasn't proven to be my favorite year.

How is it that I find myself so low?  Theoretically everything is amazing right?  I have everything I thought I ever wanted and yet somehow something still feels so wrong.  So out of place.  Like I took a wrong turn back there and I am struggling to untangle the mess I find myself in.  I find myself in a place I never thought I could imagine and yet here I am struggling to breathe with no air. 

I thought the pills would help.  I thought at the very least they would make me numb to my soul crumbling to pieces around the place where I find my life.  I thought I wanted a child with this man who doesn't have the capacity to love even me in the way that I need and now I am terrified at the idea of having a child with someone who doesn't love me in the way that I need.  Is it fair to ask him to be a person who he is not?  Was it fair for me to have married him when I knew this all along?  Was it fair for him to have married me when he could not answer why it was that he was marrying me?  We have failed each other and are both watching helplessly from the sidelines as our partnership spirals a slow and painful death. 

And still friends and family insist that this is just a rough patch and that we will get through it as they have gotten through theirs.  And still I am not convinced that this is just a rough patch.  And still I can not admit out loud that I made a mistake getting married and feel like letting go so soon is a monumental failure that does not mesh well with the picture perfect life I have built.  Such a split would take away a family I have come to love and appreciate and would take time to recover my pride in a way I am not ready to pursue.  Because we can still fix this, right?

I want to fix this, right?  I think so.  But I am working so hard to fix me that I fear I don't have it in me to fix us and I don't think he understands how bad it is enough for him to try fixing it.