So What's Left To Do With You

Today, I feel rejuvenated. I'm only going on about 4 hours of sleep and I have more energy and vitality that I've felt in a long time. Something about this guy just awakens everything about me. He inspires me and is, by far, the strangest friendship I have ever had. They make movies about interpersonal relationships like this one. This is what every indie romantic drama/comedy is about, relationships like this one. I feel like I'm living in an indie romantic drama/comedy. Even my soundtrack to my life fits in with this mantra. As I'm writing this, Damien Rice sings the blower's daughter, and the lyrics "I can't take my mind off of you." resonate so purely with what I'm experiencing emotionally right now.

His vocabulary is so sexy to me. He challenges me to a higher level of intelligence that I've always known I've possessed, but have never really been given the opportunity to exercise. Whatever purpose he ends up serving in my life, I appreciate every moment I'm given to spend with him.

The Shit Show

Today I'm having a massive panic attack. I'm having one of those moments where I'm feeling suffocated, need a change, and could do something drastic to make that change happen. There has to be more to life than what I'm doing. How do I make something big happen in my life? I'm freaking the fuck out right now. I have to stop doing this to myself. Usually, I'm pretty good about appreciating the small, everyday, mundane in life but today it's not enough. I'm applying for new jobs. I can't do Costco anymore. It's time for a change in my life and that has to be it.

I also started my school application today. I have to get my life under control. I'm in a tailspin headed straight down right now. It's been building up for a while. I will be okay. I have to step away from my computer and just find a meditative spot for a while.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm not in constant contact with any boys right at the moment. My distractions are gone. I'm not feeling inspired. I'm suffocated and trying to break through barriers in my life that are not budging and I'm frustrated and I want to give up and just say fuck it! But I can't and I won't. Tomorrow will be a better day.

My life is just one big clusterfuck of a shit show sometimes.

It was dark and I was over

Today I spent the some time with my family. It's always so grounding to revisit my roots and I have a newfound appreciation for the city every time I make the trek back and as the skyline materializes, I know that I am home. That feeling of home that encircles your soul and makes you feel warm, especially when you've been away.

This feeling is never the same as the sanctity of the feeling of home you have as a child. Maybe it's a feeling of safety that bounds us to the idea of home. Maybe this is why the psychological consequences of the violation of one's home are so dire.

It rained today. The rain has a way of renewing my vitality. It breathes through me, washing away any darkness that has made it's way into my heart. It's purity, it's smell, it's sound, the rain is simply, beautiful.

My hopes are going to stay grounded on the possible visitation of a new friend. I would hate to get excited about something that is not likely to happen.

Shadows Fall

It seems as though I have been running from my future for a few weeks now. I need to apply for school and I'm terrified to do so. I'm having a mild panic attack right now. My anxiety really needs to be controlled more often than it is. I'm afraid of getting older for the first time in my life and under preferential circumstances I would just stop time right now.

Maybe I'm freaking out simply because I have not made my rolls yet. I never used to procrastinate anything and lately, it seems as though I procrastinate everything.

I will be okay.



Still I Rise
Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Wish Me Luck, Wish Me Love

I have been busy busy! It has been great. It keeps life moving and keeps me moving and keeps me smiling and keeps me from dwelling on any broken hearts. I was given a great idea to do a blog completely devoted to my dating escapades and exploits.

There are really moments when I can hardly believe all that has happened since I moved back. It seems impossible that I have been away from Andrew for as long as I have been. It seems like I'm starting to forgive him finally. I just hope he's happy and I never want to see or hear from him again. I can't decide if the damage I have been undoing is solely from him or if it's a culmination of never really having been single and actually dealing with my relationship baggage.

This is the first moment I have really taken for myself in a while. It's nice.

I went back to Seattle for the first time last week. I felt closure on that chapter in my life finally. I don't, in any way, regret moving back. Don't get me wrong, I love Seattle and miss it dearly but I made the right decision. I met a man there who had the potential to sweep me off my feet but how could I let him? He is so far away! We are worlds away in so many aspects. He says he wants to come visit me in May, but I doubt that this will happen.

When I left Seattle on Wednesday, I felt so bittersweet. Like I was breaking up with the city. It was a strange sensation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78Jea5LKK10&feature=related

Goodnight and goodluck

I hate this dating crap. There is so much insecurity, uncertainty and doubt to have to power through. But on the same note, being told by several men that you are beautiful, that you have an incredible body, that there is chemistry between us, all of that makes me feel so good about myself. I can't help it, I love to be complimented. It confirms the things I should already know about myself. But I believe that on some level, everyone is just a little bit self-conscious.

I do have a choice and they are all good choices so far, but I definitely have a preference on who I really want things to work out with. I just don't know though!

My whole body hurts right now. My throat, my muscles, my head, my abdomen, my feet. I'm so tired. I really just need to lay down and take a nap. I'm cold and I'm hot, I'm angry and I'm happy. I really need to stop leaving work early. I'm hungry too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Tt2u-S7NTs&feature=related

You know I believe and how

I loathe being sick. Three cough drops and two cups of green tea in, I think I'm finally starting to feel a little better.

Every time my phone rings or beeps I hope upon hopes that it is you. It brightens my day when it is you and makes me a little bit sad when it isn't you. I want to cancel all of my other dates but I realize that you have not asked me to be yours and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, in case you drop my basket and break my heart.

You say you are not going anywhere and talk about doing things in the summer with me and that life brings me a sort of bliss. You would contribute so much to my already wonderful life and that is what I'm looking for. I don't want to take care of someone and I don't want to be taken care of.

All the places that you know

"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey."


I adore this quote. It gives me a good reminder that everything will be okay. Everything happens for a reason and though I may not know when in the thick of a sinister world, that my bliss is just on the other side.

I keep thinking that I have found a great guy. And each time it turns out to be a fluke. So I'll say this with the most caution, I think I have finally found a great guy. But I will continue to be cautious with my heart at this point. I really want to add him to my life and be a part of his. I put my hook out last night and he bit. Usually when I cook for a man, he is mine. He even ate a second helping. And he put his plate in the sink! What an amazing two evenings with an amazing man.

I'm starting to get really excited about Seattle. We'll be going to a Mariner's game. And thinking about all the food I'm going to get to eat again just makes me so happy!

I have so much going on in my life right now. I also have bouts of anxiety. I wish I could completely get those under control. I can work when I'm on my death bed sick but when my anxiety gets out of control I can't handle being there.

I will be applying for school on Friday the 15th. I hope everything works out as I have planned but they rarely do. But as mentioned above, everything happens for a reason.