Be Here

It hardly seems possible that tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  When did that happen?  It happend while I was living, I suppose.  For the first time, I'm truly not stressed out and I'm excited for the small party I'll be having in my little apartment.  Perhaps I can sense that it will likely be the only time I'll have a Christmas memory quite like this one.  So many things are poised to change for me in the next year.  For the best, maybe, but maybe not.  And who knows when I'll have a moment of true, simple, having next to nothing besides the complete and total love of a group of fascinating and dynamic people in my life quite like this one.  I'm feeling nostalgic for right now.  Right now is pure and simple and enough.

Tomorrow everything could change so today I'll appreciate a thankful moment of peace.

Looking Forward

It seems impossible that another semester has passed.  Having decided to stretch out my undergrad another semester, it makes me feel better knowing that it should fly by.  So far, my grades coming in are not exactly what I wanted them to be but they are still pretty good.  Also, I got a 100% in one class and it's a class that matters for my major.  The only classes that won't come back with A's are not relevant to my major.

I haven't made a New Year's resolution yet so I think I'll give it a go now that I'm not completely overwhelmed with everything else.  So.  Without further adue, 2013 should include the following achievements/goals:

Getting my GPA up to qualify for Honors
Take the GRE
Find/Get hired for an awesome internship
Ride the Pedal the Plains Bike Race
Walk the Alzheimer's 5K with my mom
Take the Zephyr train to Grand Junction
Be better prepared for Christmas maybe save for Christmas
Buy a sewing machine
Make a Duvet Cover
Take advantage of my shitty job to continue using it to teach myself the art of patience
Be able to do 10 push ups not on my knees
Stick very strictly to my budget, even if it means saying no more often.
Prepare myself to be a great candidate for UT Austin.
Let go of friendships ruined past healing
Forgive myself for mistakes
Forgive others for hurting me
Start saving for a Scooter
Give hostess gifts when friends invite me to parties
Get over my fear of singing in front of people
Go one year completely free from bulimia
Make sure the people in my life know that I love and appreciate them

Healthy Weights and Attitudes

I'm ready to be done with finals tomorrow.  And I'm ready to move on from these classes.

It's taken me some time to feel comfortable setting weight loss goals with my history with weight loss/bulimia.  In the past it's always gotten to the obsessive part where I will eat something and feel so badly about it that I will feel sick and ultimately throw up because I feel so ill and stressed out about having eaten something outside of my diet.  This time I feel more flexibility in my goals and more support.  It's not about losing weight, it's about establishing healthy lifestyle habits.  I've always weighed more than the people around me and so I've never felt particularly comfortable talking about how much I weigh.  Especially when I hear friends talking about how big they felt weighing less than I weigh.  My weight distributes differently throughout my body, maybe?  I think I'd like to lose 20 pounds in the next year, be able to complete the Alzheimer 5k and the 3 day peddle the plains bike ride, and consistently fit into a size 10.  Since I've been working out relatively consistently this month, I don't feel like I've completed my day if I haven't done my workout.  My mind feels less anxious and I feel stronger and healthier after I workout.  I will work hard to keep the momentum.

In Considering The Act of Self-Destruction

I haven't seen this guy in nearly 10 years.  I didn't know him outside of a very fun art class with him and thinking from this art class that this guy was pretty stinking awesome.  However, the act of him having taken his life is really throwing me for a loop.  I simply don't understand and though it isn't my place or purpose to understand the actions of one whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years nor did I know outside the confines of a very fun art class, it is hurting my heart more than I think it should be.

Maybe it just hits so close to home, to a place I thought my own brother was near for so long.  I just don't know what I would do if I lost my own brother at the age that this person took his own life.  I should let him know that.

Maybe I just am at a place in my life, having survived a time in my life that I would have even thought it conceivable to have taken my own life, where I know that it gets better.  I know that even when things are shitty beyond comparison that life is cyclical.

The whole thing just hurts my heart.

A Damn Mouse and Other Daily Musings

So the call did not go how I wanted it to go.  But it did go, as I did, the second best way.  Perpetual second place winner, right here.  It's just not my time and that is okay.  I guess.  I tell people it's cool but really I'm peeved that I wasn't the best because, dammit, I want to be the best at everything.

But since I'm not, I'll take my second place victories in stride and do my thing and get better and there will come a time when I am somebody's first choice.

I saw a damn mouse in my apartment this morning.  I'm pretending I didn't see a mouse in my apartment this morning.  If I see it again I will call it a big deal.  Otherwise I'm giving it a peaceful opportunity to vacate the premises before I go to war and destroy the non-threatening mouse.

I nailed another interview today.  I probably won't get the job but I am getting to be damn good at interviewing.  And this is a good thing, I think.

My brother will be proposing to his girlfriend over the New Year celebration.  I have mixed feelings about this.  Some  Most of it is jealousy.  I want to be the person someone knows they want to spend the rest of their life with.  I have other things, like living outside of my parents house.  So there's that.

Tomorrow I'll go back to plan A.  It's possible that Plan B or C might kick into action but Plan A seems like the most likely plan for the next 6 months of my life.  And I'm cool with Plan A.  Plan A doesn't suck and I'm beginning to see doesn't suck as something a good thing.  At least a better thing than I used to.  Does finding contentedness count as getting too comfortable and not striving for new things?

I need new underwear.  Currently, I'm in possession of entirely too many pairs of cotton period panties from 40 lb ago and let's just be real for a second.  I can do better.

Tempura Shrimp

I left it all on the table, every last bit of what I have to give.  And THAT, giving it all, leaving nothing to regret is how I do it best, how I do life best.

Picturing my phone ringing, a Denver 303 number not in my phone, the voice on the other end "calling to let you know we would like to extend you an offer for the Service Planning internship."  The blissful feeling of knowing that this is the culmination of everything I have spent my 20's working towards.  All of the tiresome hours of figuring out what I want to do with my life, finding my focus and then steering my life through a sharp U-turn and making it happen.  Feeling as though I'm on the precipice of a major life event and not knowing where I am going to be in just under 2 years and knowing myself well enough to know that with all of the unknown, I can still find my peace in my present because my present is something to be proud of and thankful for.  Look around.  My life is perfect.

Christmas is happening in my 425 sq. feet of heaven.  I decided to make several snacking type foods and Hot Buttered Rum and rent Christmas movies for Christmas Eve and French toast and bacon Christmas morning.  I'm thankful I have a family who cares enough to not see me spend Christmas alone that they dropped their plans to come spend it with me.

Recently I've been feeling a lot more support from my family.  I know they have always loved me and have been happy for me but recently, I feel like they are really very proud of me and it is really truly an amazing feeling to break through.

Graduate school will maybe be happening in Austin and I'm all of a sudden excited beyond measure about it.  Something about the serious consideration of uprooting my entire life and moving somewhere I have never been is just instinctually exciting in me.  It causes a stirring and twitter in my blood flow that makes me giddy from a lack of oxygen in my brain and my fingers tingle with anticipation.  Just think!  A few years in Austin, near at the Center for Transportation Research, learning to be a premier mind in the thing that interests me most.  This also means the GRE will be happening, I'm terrified I will fail the math portion.  I wish I would have been more excited about math as a kid.  If I have a kid I am going to find a way to make math fun for him or her.  There are so many openings in life for people who love math.

Lena Dunham's character in Girls reminds me of me in the last year and a half of my life.  I'm glad that phase of my life only lasted a year or so.  Though I don't regret it, it was sincerely a year of complete and total insanity.

So many life forces at work.

In An Attempt to Make Myself More Sleepy

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Choosing to not move back to Seattle has proven to be one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.  The opportunities that have opened for me since the moment I made that decision have been larger than I could have possibly dreamed.

The one thing I have wanted for the better part of my 20's is finally starting to take shape; direction.  I know where I want to go with my life and I know how to get there and I have been able to do more to advance these goals in the last two years than before then.

I have conviction and confidence in who I am like never before.

Though it hurt like hell, I have let go of people who choose to to not accept me for who I am.

I have a backbone that didn't use to exist and a snappy wit to let you know when you have crossed the line.

My goal of radical honesty has served and continues to bring immense efficiency to my life.  It irritates me when people waste my time by not being completely honest or forthcoming with me.

Somedays it scares me to get older but mostly it doesn't because the older I get, the more I trust my own decisions, the better I know my own heart, and the more sure of myself and my life I am.  This is invaluable to someone who suffers from chronic anxiety.  The more I experience, the less which is unknown to me, the less insecure I feel.

Somehow, I command more respect than I used to and this is an amazing feeling.  This line I've been straddling, between adolescent young adulthood and full adulthood is beginning to fade, in many respects, and in many ways I am totally okay with that.

So to celebrate being awesome I want to highlight some success in my life, small as they may be:
I have lost between 1/4 inch and a full inch on all of my measurements
I am in a position to apply for and be a competitive applicant for two separate transportation planning internships.
Having completed the citizens' academy I have a very important network working to help me succeed.
UCD Urban Studies undergrad will give me an entire semester of MURP graduate work and priority admissions acceptance to the UCD MURP program.
My program advisor described me as exactly the student who succeeds in this program and genuinely made me even more enthusiastic about my career path.
I have an opportunity to be involved in all the things that are important to me: art and aesthetics, Equity and giving people a fair shot at success, public health, politics, public transportation, beautiful places and appealing landscape and architecture, improving infrastructure and creating more sustainable cities, just to name a few.
I will get to play with really awesome data, demographics, and mapping software.
This path allows me to be a nerd in the most awesome way imaginable with other nerds who have common goals.

I have a feeling that 2013 will be a very important year for me.

Faith in Humanity Restored (Mostly)

This morning, I woke up on the right side of history and THAT feels amazing.  That gives me momentum to keep working towards my own goals and energy to succeed!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204349404578101520589031776.html

http://www.boston.com/news/politics/2012/2012/11/07/elizabeth-warren-defeats-incumbent-scott-brown-first-mass-woman-senate-hard-race-ends-victory-for-liberalism/acfZ1HHLDyWK05QZxh494J/story.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/07/us/politics/indiana-senate-race.html?_r=0

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2012/11/07/claire-mccaskill-legitimately-shuts-down-todd-akin-in-missouri-senate-race/

http://www.mydesert.com/viewart/20121106/NEWS01/311060021/Colorado-Washington-voters-legalize-recreational-marijuana?odyssey=mod%7Cnewswell%7Ctext%7CFrontpage%7Cs

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/06/gay-marriage-results_n_2074188.html

Maybe a change of heart about how much government should have control over reproductive rights and who a person marries and what a person puts in his or her body is in order?  And maybe candidates have learned that running on a platform that requires a woman to carry a child of rape to term is a bad platform to run on.

Pep Talking

I can not get on board with getting ready for work, this morning.  I just want to stay snuggled up on the couch for another couple of hours.

There are only 2 and a half more days of work, this week, and then I start vacation.  Hopefully I will get a call back from CDOT, this week.

I'm starting to think I am developing a vitamin D deficiency.  Lately, I've been crazy depressed and non-motivated.  This is a problem, since I have an insane workload that needs to be accomplished in a week and a half.

Deep breaths.  When the week and a half is finished, I will have accomplished so very much and will have every reason to feel proud of myself.  So carry on, and move forward is all I can do.  And all I will be doing.

Ugh... I suppose I should be getting ready to go now.

So bright, she can burn your eyes

2013 is on my horizon, on my mind, just around the corner.  I realize that I say this every year; and don't get me wrong, I mean it every year, but 2013 will be my year.  After the shit storm that became the better part of this year, I feel stronger, more sure of my convictions, of who I am and what I want in my life, who I want in my life.  I don't doubt that I will be presented, around every corner, reasons to question my convictions.  But what kind of ignoramus would I be if I did not allow myself to question my own beliefs in order to know the true value of their worth?

I'm super bummed more Freaks and Geeks was never made.

My vision: I apply for this job that scares the hell out of me.  I nail the interview because the director of this program sees my worth as an addition to the Colorado Department of Transportation, he will see my passion for rail and transit, I start a full time temp position researching a major rail re-expansion for the state, gaining invaluable experience while working for credit at the University and taking two other online classes, maintaining my full time student classification.  I earn enough to save enough to not work over the summer, take an additional class and either do a volunteer internship at B-Cycle or work for Historicorps.  In the fall, I apply for and get either the RTD TOD, Transit Planner or Service Planner internship.  I rock that internship and finish out 2014, my 26th year like a boss.  This is my focus, my goal, my plan.

I don't want to get mommy tracked in my career.  I will sacrifice giving my parents grandchildren because my career is absolute important to me.  This may change but I feel like my talents, my happiness, everything is better served with me in the labor market.  This sharply clashes with the societal norms and values I've grown up with.  Sometimes it feels like maybe something is wrong with me to cause me to have no inclination towards motherhood.  It just feels like birthing a child, the woman gets the short end of the stick the whole way through.  You have to bare the pregnancy during and the after effects, most of the child rearing responsibility and you are generally the one who ends up losing pace with your career because it is expected that you, as a mom, should want to be at home with your children.  I'd be cool with a SAHD. I like the idea of being a traditional Dad.  I could coach Little League and stuff.

Tonight, I'm feeling really hopeful about the future.  I don't think I have anything more I want to accomplish in 2013 than what I've highlighted above.  This is my focus, my objective and my drive and I don't think I'll resolve to do anything more than maintain my focus.

Young, Wild Girl

Turning points happen more often, for me, than I feel like should be the case.  Maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the end of the semester, or the new opportunity or the fact that I talked to my job about all the reasons I felt like my job sucks and had a seemingly appreciative audience.  Maybe it has to do with healing old friendships and mending the wounds of the last 8 months.

My Halloween costume is all put together and I think I've done a good job with it.  I love dressing in period clothing.  As Daisy Buchanan, I will be spectacular.

This morning has been difficult in the motivation department.  I have an assignment to finish writing (at least it's nearly finished), textbook reading, and I really should try to work on one of my papers or projects.

For the party next weekend, I'm going to make pumpkin, apple butter and goat cheese tartlets. Then I will top them with whipped cream.  And this is why my friends make domestic accusations at me.

This evening I will be roasting a chicken with garlic herb butter under the skin and also roasting carrots and potatoes and sauteing brussels sprouts with a bit of honey.  It smells delicious.

Thank the ambiguous spirit in the sky that this is the last week of Citizens' Academy and next week is the last Wednesday I work.  I don't function properly without adequate rest periods.  My work suffers, my creativity suffers, the cleanliness of my apartment suffers, my legs get significantly furrier.  It's bad news, folks.

Bruno Mars is pretty adorable.  So I'll sign off with this.

2 minutes of hot dog water

With a fresh outlook and a new game plan, I'm feeling much better today.  I have nearly finished all of my homework due by Thursday, I have my Action Plan presentation put together for Citizens' Academy, and I have some amazing beans in the oven finishing up to eat with cornbread tonight.

Everything does eventually play out for me and I do have accomplishments to be very proud of.  The Transit Alliance Citizens' Academy is one of them.  The work I'm going to do to hopefully help implement my action plan could be huge and it's nothing to minimize as an accomplishment.  Just because I can't do it all, does not mean that I should stop trying to do anything.

I should buy the Back to the Future series on Blu Ray.  And Amelie.  Maybe next year.

The five pumpkins I have are taunting me to roast them, maybe next weekend.

I wish the election was over.  I'm over the partisan fighting.

Why I Tend to Feel an Increasing Dislike for the Generation Trying to Ruin Everything

The rainy morning has been glorious for allowing me to perch my happy (but still slightly disappointed) ass on my big comfy couch and basically plow through my homework with the output production of an amazing gay steam roller.   Also, the general mood of the day makes the excess consumption of hot beverages easy to maintain thus extracting the sinus nastiness from chest, relieving my sore throat and generally helping me to feel less zombie-like.

I didn't get the job.  I got a very nice consolation prize of a personal contact at the company if I find myself interested in another position there but I was not good enough for the position I originally wanted.  Now I get all the mumbo-jumbo about all things happening for a reason and all the junk I would spew with great conviction were I giving advice to someone else in my position.  But fuck.  I feel like coming in second best is the story of my damn life.  Time after time people like me, think I'm a great fit but something just doesn't scream "pick me, pick me" about me.  Is this some kind of personality flaw?  If it is I guess I'm screwed because I like my personality and have no intentions of changing it.

I'm grappling with some pride issues over having applied for state food assistance.  It would be a huge help in my very tight budget.  Also, they give you $200 a month.  Right now, I only spend (can afford) about $120 a month.  Am I not eating enough food?  The amount they give you is telling me that maybe I don't have enough in my budget for what the state thinks I should be nourishing myself with.  I  eat relatively healthily with my food budget.  But some help would be nice.

The burdon of grappling with myself over whether or not life gets better is becoming very trying.  I realize I am working on making better opportunity for myself but society really is setting up road block after road block for this struggling 20-something.  Jobs I qualify for rarely offer health insurance.  Internships that pay are becoming extremely rare and are barely offered at all in my area of study until I'm in Grad School which does make sense given most jobs in my area require graduate degrees.  Wages paid are a meager pittance.  It's no wonder so many of my generation have to move back in with their parents, are starting families later if even at all and have such a high unemployment rate.  We are being handed a shit show of an economy to work with and will likely be worse off in the long run because of actions we had nothing to do with.  My optimism and enthusiasm for American politics and my future are waning, dramatically, lately.  This is causing me to fall into a blaming mode and is allowing a great disdain for the baby boomers to set in.  I realize that different people are not to blame but as a generation on the whole they pretty much suck the life out of every resource they can get their hands on and I'm tired to feeling like me, my generation, will have to pick up the pieces of their collective destructive behaviors.  I'm angry that a recession drags on because of a stalemate in Congress.  I'm angry about a group of old, white, millionaire men who want to regulate what I, a 20 something, broke-ass, college student female can and can't do with my own damn body.  I'm angry that the gas tax isn't higher, that parking takes a precedence over bike lanes and that I nearly die once or twice a week because of some driver who isn't aware of his or her surroundings and has somehow completely forgotten that he or she is driving a several thousand bound metal death machine.  I'm angry at the lady who cut me off in the crosswalk and shrugged her shoulders at me.  Why is it so inherently difficult for people to think outside of their own selves?  We are so afraid of our neighbors that we forget the humanity of anyone we don't know directly and it has dire societal consequences.  

Deep Breaths And Stuff

Because I am about to implode, I am spending my evening taking care of myself.  I am finding opportunities to laugh.  I am allowing myself to heal from all the stress I'm coping with.  And I will let myself experience whatever emotion(s) come my way.

I REALLY would like to know if I got the job.  In the worst way, I want this thing; so incidentally I have gone from picturing myself and planning around having it.  Then I freaked the fuck out and convinced myself I did not have it and started allowing myself to start the grieving process so that when they call to tell me I failed I can say "no biggie, I already knew and prepared for the worst."

When I look at my schedule for the next month and a half I also freak the fuck out with overwhelming feelings "ohmygodi'mgoingtofaileverythingihavetoomuchtodoandtoolittletimeholyjeeze!!!!!!"

Sharing Some Random Joy

This song/video just makes me really happy.  When will these two finally get the fame they deserve?

Not Away From

Straddling this line, the one that separates being a girl from being a woman, causes so many different forms of I don't even know... emotion?  In my pretend land of a world I like to reside in from time to time, I have this notion that somehow the confusions of being a young adult just *poof* go way when I turn 30; like somehow I reach this magical age when I have my shit together and life figured out and am sure of who I am and what I want and confident that I have good ideas.  Lately I've been this little child of a girl who is playing dress- up in her mother's navy pumps pretending to be a career woman of a grown up because being a real grown up, frankly, scares the hell out of me.

Maybe it's the growing away from people who used to play such a prominent role in my life.  I'm back to a point where I don't have a really super close person in my life who I share a large portion of my time with.  I appreciate the time to myself, I do.  But sometimes it would be nice to feel like I have someone to go shopping with.

Sulking is definitely not in my cards right now.  I'm doing everything, possible, to fast-track my career and I seem to be on the straight and narrow with it.  The citizen's academy is perfectly the nerd outlet I need it to be.  I was had the opportunity to listen to 50 years of plans for RTD and I am super nerdy excited about it and I want to talk to someone about how cool I think it is but I fear that I push people away when I nerd out on that subject.  I get it, other people don't think it's that cool.  But fuck!  We have the most innovative, fastest growing multi-layered transportation plan in the country right now.  We are building ahead of schedule and under budget and it is a big enough deal that RTD was able to secure a public/private partnership.  This means that private business sees this project as something that has the capacity to be profitable.  THAT is huge!!!  We are implementing LRT, BRT, and HRT and 81 of 122 miles of new construction is either built or under contract.  Not to mention the new feeder route that will run from Union Station down 17th, like the MallRide but stopping ever 2-3 blocks to make it faster and coming back up 18th.  This bus will have an innovative way of getting people on and off the bus as well as ways to get back in traffic that will increase the efficiency.  I think that is my goal in life, to increase the efficiency of things.  AH!  I am just so excited about what Denver is doing.  We are THE learning laboratory for transit innovation right now.

And just because I'm so massively in love with this album right now:

Hell On Heels

If the reason you choose to not go after your dreams is because they are too big or too scary, then you don't have a good enough reason.

Today I feel like gold.  I went for the thing I debated being too big and too scary.  I took my own damn advice and I won.  It happened for me, a break, a start, my foot in the door.

My head is held higher than normal, my confidence is in-tact, I can face the world again and it feels great.

I am a feminist who values a clean home and a healthy homemade meal.  I am a feminist who will not back down from a challenge.  I am a feminist who can be a bitch with an attitude and a lady with class. I am a feminist who will wear my pearls and my heels.  I am a feminist who will not be defeated.  I am a feminist who will embrace her emotions; tears and smiles alike.  I am a feminist who believes in community.  I am a feminist who is a citizen of the world.

When we look back, I will have pride, knowing that I stood on the right side of history.  I am so tired of the rhetoric of election season.  When I read the comments of so many misguided Americans I know, with out a doubt, society and the education system have failed so many.  So many hearts are filled with hate and with ignorance.  And it breaks my own heart, at times.

To have been selected for the Transit Alliance Citizens' Academy means that someone else believes in my potential to make a difference in the world, in my ability to be a community leader, in my future and my ideas.  I do not stand alone in believing in myself, I have forum to learn and to voice my opinions and ideas about something I am passionate about.  This is my opportunity, my big break and I will not let it go to waste.

Jezebel posted an article about benchmark years and the comments that followed were exactly what I needed to read.  I need to know that other people find this age to be frightening.  I need to know that I am not alone in my feelings of inadequacy and pressure to do more, to be more.  And I'm not.  I feel loved and surrounded by people who stand with me.  It's important, as women, that we stand together and support each other through our various times in our lives.  Jezebel really does a great job of fostering that environment.  Which is why I return to the site day after day to remind myself why I fight for the ideals that I strive for.

Every time I read the statistic that one in five women will be raped in her lifetime I am astounded that this statistic is as high as it is.  Someday I want to be a voice to young women as someone who is the one of those five in her group of friends.  I don't think I'm ready for it now, I wouldn't even know where to start that wouldn't involve me in tears.  But I've been doing a lot of direct contact with that part of my history, forcing myself to reconcile what happend and to be okay with myself over it.  I'm closer than I have ever been but nowhere near where I want to be.

This song makes me tear up every time, it's beautiful and I want to share it with whomever might be reading and sharing in my Meaningful Life Journey with me.

Yes, I am okay.

I'm in serious need of some positive life affirmations right now.  I don't know what it is but the weird party going on across the street is seriously bumming me out.

Instead of taking a depressed person nap I'm going to write about why I am awesome, instead.  I spent more money than I meant to and that is stressing me out a bit.  This is why money should not stress me out: I got this.  My bills will be paid because I am relatively good at life most of the time.  And when I am not, I am blessed to have family who will pick up my minor slack and I pay them back when I am being a little less mildly retarded.  Money is going to be a little tight for the next few years BECAUSE I am training to have a job that will give me a 700% raise in income.  This time, this effort, this stress, and this being broke is an investment that is aiming to pay off very well.  I need to pull myself up my feel sorry bootstraps and get on with it.  Being broke should allow me more study time, a healthier diet and time to do things I wish I had time to do when I'm doing things that cost money.  This is an exercise in complete and total frugality.  It will BE OKAY. I AM OKAY.

My tattoo turned out beautifully.  It's everything I hoped it would be.  It's simple, classy, and beautiful.  It is a reflection of me. and I adore it.

Okay.  I'm feeling better now.

Why a sunflower?

I'm choosing to embellish a sunflower forever on my skin as a symbol of my past.  I am a prairie child.  Where I grew up, sunflowers grew strong.  I picked them ALL the time.  I was captivated by them.   My grandmother, the one who is dying of dementia, used to bring me every single thing she could find with a sunflower on it, they reminded her of me, my warmth, my brightness, my ability to always find the sun. This will symbolize my childhood, my roots, my family, my strength, my ability to see the light and my ability to survive and grow strong and beautifully in any environment you put me.

Slowly Checking Out On Cold Meds

Now that I'm quickly approaching the finish line of absolute youth, I'm beginning to understand those who eternally cling to their youth as though life has nothing better to offer them.

Stress really seems to affect me worse than it used to.  When I spent nearly all of my time completely spazzed out with stress I suppose I did get sick more often.  But this time I got my period early, my face burst out in face herpes (cold sores, two of them, gross, I never get more than one at a time, I look like a leper) and now I have a cold with a sore throat and achy body.

Tuesday starts my new semester.  I'm pretty excited about it; it marks the official end of my summer and this has been a relatively exciting and trying summer with highs that extended beyond imagination and lows exactly the opposite levels of my highs.  It's been manic and the ideas of stability and levelness seem amazing.

If I just continue to focus on one day at a time.  One step at a time.  One minute at a time.  If I can just remember that it's the little things that create the big moments in my life and that as my youth escapes me, new wisdom fills in the voids of the loss.  I will be okay.  I will never be as young, again, as I am today and because I am alive, today is the best day of my life.  When I take the climb, watching one foot in front of the other I will get to the top of my mountain.

In this moment, I like the way I feel.   I know this will be a mildly stressful week for me but I'm not getting psyched out about it.  Right now, I am just resting and calm.

Mom and I are going to try and participate in the Alzheimer's walk.  Grandma is really getting bad and apparently her sister and her brother have both been diagnosed with degenerative dementia diseases.  My dad's grandmother had family who suffered from the disease as well.  My genes have provided me with many beautiful blessings; however, my biggest fear is that I will get dementia.  I'm doing everything I can to live a meaningful life before I lose my memory.  I'm hedging my risk and managing my expectations but all of this does not undermine the immense fear I have that I will die alone, trapped in my own mind.  This enemy is one that I want to know all about.  I want to know how to beat this opponent but I also realize the likelihood of me walking away from that battle victorious is not likely.

I will no longer apologize for who I am or the decisions I make.  Please do not ever expect this from me.  If I feel like I have wronged you in a way that merits apology, you will receive one.  But if I am feeling like I am apologizing merely to help you feel better then I will no long extend that apology.  Also, if you don't respect me enough to tell me what I've done to incur the wrath of your cold shoulder, I will not feel badly about it or sad for the loss of your friendship.  I will simply move on.

I find out, this week, if I will be participating in the Transit Alliance Citizen's Academy.  This will be big news for me, be on the lookout.

Sunday Fun Day

I really didn't do much of anything productive with my day.  I did do some drawing and did a bit of running.  I also managed to get really angry after reading about the most recent slaying of innocent people by an angry white man with a gun and a misguided grudge.  When do we start profiling white men for their terrorist threat to society?

Politics need to be fixed.

I need a massage.

Andrew suggested we make a list of things to do together in the event we become bored. Granted these things could not be achieved at the moment given our proximity to each other but it made me happy that he made the suggestion.

We have come up with the following:

• learn to play chess
• dancing lessons (swing)
• ziplining
• kiss
• learn massage
• wine and cheese picnic
• Stargazing
• learn to mozzarella cheese
• pumpkin carving
• volunteering
• go to new Orleans
• go on a search for good climbing trees
• go to the airport, get the cheapest soonest departing flight, spend the weekend there
• do the lamest tourist activity in the city we can find.  Have an unabashedly good time.
• drive somewhere we've never been and have dinner.  Use fake names.
• go geocaching
• fly a kite
• go to an orchard or farm and pick produce
• take a class to learn something new
• take a $10 budget to the dollar store and compete to come up with the most creative gift for the other person.
• go watch a sunrise
• point and choose a band from the live music section of westward.
• go to the playground
• walk in one direction as far as we can.  Take the bus or taxi back
• take camera to abandoned place
• have a five course dinner at five different places
• play 20 questions
• go ice skating
• teach Kim to shoot a gun
• go to a diner and share a milkshake
• draw sketches of each other
• teach Kim to wall climb and maybe climb rocks
• kayak
• hot air balloon ride
• have high tea at the brown palace
• bumper cars
• participate in foodie pen pals
• can and pickle something
• alphabet date.  Pick a letter and everything you do must start with that letter
• rent a movie from the library and make stovetop popcorn

We also set up two ground rules.

1.) If one of us feels unheard or that he or she is not happy in the relationship we are allowed to call a timeout and both of us will respect the timeout by giving the other our undivided attention to address and solve the issue. Timeouts are to be used at the beginning of negative feelings so that issues do not get out of control.

2.) If we disagree about a particular issue, ie dinner or how to spend the day, we are both to rank how strongly we feel about our choice and the person with the higher ranking will be allowed to participate in his or her activity of choice.

I'm starting to feel really good about this idea.

I Decided To Design Some For Myself

Yesterday, a platonic acquaintance who I followed on Pinterest posted a meme of Willy Wonka saying "so all of you peace loving Christian haters are protesting chick-fil-a? Will you all be refusing your Christmas presents?"  There are so many incorrect statements in two sentences, I just cringed at the ignoramus statement she had attached herself to.  And if someone actually believes that all of these things are true, I have a hard time keeping my association with them.  What a misguided thing to say out loud.

Let me start with Christmas.  It was not until very recently in history that Christmas even became a Christian thing.  Jesus wasn't even born until something like June.  Christmas aligns with the middle winter holiday to make the conversion of Paganism to Christianity more fluid.  If you are interested, dear reader, in know the true history of Christmas here is a link to a great article from The History Channel.  So the notion that a non-Christian should not accept his or her Christmas presents because they don't celebrate Christmas under the Christian tradition is an asshole thing to say.  For years now, I have been celebrating the winter holiday and the spring holiday as those things.  The winter holiday gives me an opportunity to celebrate and thank the friends and family who have been a positive influence in my life throughout the year and the spring holiday allows me to celebrate the end of winter and the start of spring and summer.  The ignorance of other people wears me down and makes me sad for them.  How terrible it must be to live in a world of ignorance and hate and how very selfish.

The next portion of this that exasperates me is that the Chick-Fil-A protesters are somehow also Christian haters.  Really?  This doesn't even require a response because it's the most asinine thing I have read all week.

Why is it so easy for people to sit so blissfully in their ignorant opinions?  I realize that the world is not just like me but I can't imagine forming a strong and emotional opinion about an issue without considerable research into both sides of the issue.

I love the feeling of starting a school year in the fall.  It makes me feel reminiscent of childhood.  There is a certain amount of anticipation that comes with fall for me.  I am starting to feel it in the air.  The August air starts to feel very humid and hot, school shopping commences, and the countdown the brown leaves, cool and crisp air, pumpkins and apples, football and school start.  MMM...I LOVE IT!!!

Accentuated and Angular

I have not spoken to many people about this, simply because I do not wish to solicit advice or opinion that will go nowhere in my stubborn world.  When I've decided something is the right decision for me, I give zero cares about the opinions of the people around me.  In reality, the only opinions that could seriously function in convincing me to reconsider are those of my parents and even they know the effort is futile so they really have to feel strongly about something to offer unsolicited advice or opinion.  They barely offer it when asked.  I miss Andrew.  I miss him in a way I didn't believe to be possible.  What I need is a friend who will comfort my heart while it bares the loneliness of missing someone I can't be with, at least for the moment.  What I fear is I will have is a friend who will lecture why my heart is wrong and I will have to feel the necessity of defending the way I feel and I'm getting too old for that shit.  I feel the way I feel and fuck you if you think that's wrong.

Dating is not something that eludes me.  I have done A LOT of it.  I have found boy after boy who has fallen short in one way or another; in a constant state of each one falling short of what I knew I could expect from Andrew.  So I reached out to him, I wanted to see if things were different than when I left. And they are. SO much different.  Every single emotional support component that was missing has been fixed.  I think this comes with age, experiencing loss and growing empathy and maturity of emotion.  I don't pretend to think that things will be perfectly blissful.  But I recognize that he is finally willing to communicate openly with me and that is the one thing I begged for up until the end.  And he fixed it and he continues to improve it because he knows that it's important to me.  And it means every bit of the world to me.

My heart hurts because I don't have control of this situation other than to say what I won't tolerate and what I won't tolerate is moving from here or stopping school or a distance relationship.  So this leaves the power to make this thing happen in his hands.  He will either come here or he won't.  It is futile to worry about it now.  He couldn't come for a few months anyway.  I have some time to continue working on me physically and emotionally before we go down this road officially.  It gets lonely knowing there is someone out there who wants to be with me and it's not possible at the moment.  I simply do not want to rush into this thing either.  It's a huge commitment, not to be taken lightly.  Decisions do not need to be made tonight and it's in everyone's best interest to simply enjoy the ride.  I appreciate that maybe is an option.  Maybe is scary as hell but it gives everyone a chance to gain their footing before jumping into something huge.  People could stand to benefit from learning the value of maybe, or thinking things through and of slowing down, breathing and taking things one step and one day at a time.  Even I could in this scenario.

Things to be excited about

How do I achieve my goal of seeing the world?  It's important, when considering dreams that if they are truly something I would like to achieve, I should be making short term, achievable, specific goals with deadlines.  This is how you make your dreams come true.  

Now that I have my hazelnuts back, I was able to make my oat nut bread again.  mmmm...My favorite. 

I reached out to my dad to help me build this amazing bar/kitchen cart.  He seems legitimately excited to help me with this project.  He suggested I go with painted PVC plumbing instead of metal to save some money.  And, I suppose if I decide someday that I'd like to redo the project with metal it wouldn't be hard to disassemble the plastic and remake it with metal.  Yesterday afternoon, I got lost in time for a few hours while I redesigned the cart to make it suit my needs by adding a shelf in the middle, removing the railings around the shelves and making the top shelf a butcher block that I'll be making also.  I'm also not going to be making the stemware holder, I'll simply purchase an under-the-counter mounted stemware holder and mount it to the bottom of the butcher block.  I'll post pictures when I've completed the project.  The whole thing will probably cost about $100.00 and will create 9 square feet of extra counter space for me.  There will also be a toaster oven in my future.  I can't go another summer without being able to cook in something that will not heat my entire apartment to the temperature of hell.  Also, in terms of energy consumption and being environmentally friendly, it's a better tool to be cooking with if I don't need all the space of the normal oven.  

Today I get to see Iris and Brian who are one of my favorite couples to hang out with.  Cooking brunch and then the Dragon Boat Festival will make for an eventful Sunday and a fun day.  

I hope the organization that puts on the 1940's balls will continue to do so. I'd really like to attend one, though maybe not the tiki one.  Which leads me to swing dancing, a hobby I would like to pick up.  Dancing, as a whole doesn't elude me.  I'm athletic and relatively graceful in movements but the type of dancing that we do when going to "the clubs" continues to elude me.  If I'm going to basically have a giant orgy on the dance floor then I might as well actually take part in a giant orgy on the dance floor and well, no thank you.  I like the structure and creativity that comes from traditional forms of dance and I think the energy of swing would be a huge benefit to my life.  

My favorite bits of summer are on the horizon.  My refrigerator is not packed full of the first bits of a garden harvest from home.  It makes me the "squeal with joy" type of happy to know harvest and canning season is on the horizon.  50 pounds of peaches will be here in a few weeks, chile peppers, corn, tomatoes, raspberries, green beans, okra, squash, pumpkins, oh my!  My apartment will soon be a jamming, pickling, preserving and freezing mecca.  At heart, I'm really just a big ol' country girl who loves her banjo twang, her neighborhood barbecue, her family traditions, and her garden harvests.  

Stories Matter

I wussed out on going for the tour at Union Station.  I made excuses for why I didn't want to go and psyched myself out.  I'm a little disappointed in myself over it.

Starting now, I'm planning to dramatically cut my discretionary spending.  Instead of spending little bits often, here and there I'm going to do a better job of saving for things that mean more to me.  Discipline is one thing I terribly lack and I think it's the next flaw of mine I'd like to work on correcting.  Discipline will come more easily with routine and routine will come with slowing down and being slightly less spontaneous.

The last few years have been defining beyond measure in who I am and what I value.  My adventures and crazy times have been innumerable, invaluable, fantastic story opportunities that to know I survived healthy, happy and completely in tact physically and emotionally is nearly unbelievable.

Oral storytelling should be a more celebrated art form.

I think I will sustain from going out more than once or twice per month and maybe my friends and I can learn to spend more time occupying each other's company from within the comfort and budget friendliness of our own homes.  I'm planning to make my apartment more friendly to accommodating guests for hosting dinner and game nights.

I would rather spend more money on healthy groceries than on-the-go tasteless foods.  But this also stems back discipline and planning.   I can do it. It's time to cut back on my lifestyle, and so far I'm enjoying the process of focussing and having more discipline.

Being alive and being a woman is all I got

This is such a beautiful, poignant film about the trials a woman is statistically predisposed to face in her life.  I recommend any woman, whether or not she has found herself if a compromised place in her life, to watch this.  It's poetry in film, it's life in poetry, it's purely and simply one of the most beautiful films I have seen.  Ever.

I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to join a women's support group.  How can we ever be okay with the things that have happened to us when we don't know that we are not alone?  1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted or raped at some point in her life.  25% of us.  This is a sobering statistic.  I am not alone, you are not alone and as long as we keep quiet about our experience, we never have the opportunity to change an experience for someone else.  I was raped.  It is hard for me to even semi-anonymously write this in a blog that very few read.  But it happened.  And it's taken me a very long time to come to terms with this experience in my life having not been my fault and not being a defining characteristic of who I am.  I am the sum of all of my experiences and how I have healed, not the sum of this one.  And though I still have episodes and triggers, I am okay, better, stronger.  It is so important to have meaningful relationships with women in our lives.  We come to better understand our own experiences through the sharing and hearing of others' experiences.

To Look Forward

I decided it is okay if I take longer to finish school because I believe it will be worth my time to finish my Econ minor.  I love Econ and I love studying subjects that interest me so adding a little time to my finish date is worth my while in this circumstance.

Today, my box came in the mail.  It was like getting whole new wardrobe, it made me very happy.  This whole day has made me very happy.  I slept until eight, cleaned up my apartment, did laundry, had lunch with Katrina, and got my box in the mail.  I also started planning my 2nd annual dinner party in the park, this time it will be much larger and my 2nd annual fall foliage drive with my mom.

So much to look forward to!  Health Insurance the 1st  Lunch with my family Saturday, bus pass on on the 6th, my tattoo on the 9th, loan check the following week, Rockies suite the 18th, Andrew is here Labor Day Weekend, dinner party the 16th, and fall drive the 23rd of September.

There is so much to look forward to and so much to be excited for in my life these days.  I am a very lucky girl.  And now I've also given myself more time to work on learning to enjoy running as well.  Things are really looking up for me.

Learning To Wear The Big Girl Pants

My body is malfunctioning at the moment and it's horrible and I wish it would go ahead and self-correct back to normal.  Anyway, on the subject of my body, I've decided I'd like it to be in much better shape. So starting tomorrow I'm going to begin the couch to 5k program.  It seems like a positive program to start with.

Tomorrow I will also attempt to finish my second reading of Gatsby.

With my life coming back into what feels like more of an equilibrium of social activity and personal time, I need to focus more on routine and discipline.  These two principles should help with my anxiety issues also.

Whenever someone asks my opinion about whether or not to make a big, scary jump into something in their lives I always tell them that if the only reason they are not doing it is it's too big or too scary then they don't have a good enough reason to not be doing it.  I found myself faced with a decision to try for something that is both big and scary, to me and was talking myself down from trying with a lack of confidence that I would have time or the ability to be successful in the program.  The only reason I wasn't applying is because it was too big and too scary so I gave myself a come to Jesus meeting about hypocrisy and applied.  Wish me luck!!!

Here is an excerpt about this big scary thing I'm referring to.

Metro Denver is emerging as THE learning laboratory for revitalizing our communities through the development of a multi-modal transportation infrastructure. NO ONE else in the nation is doing what we are here in Denver. Thanks to voter support of FasTracks in 2004, we will have more than 90 transit stations in the metro region by the end of this decade. FasTracks is the Denver metropolitan region’s most important public works project, and the area’s linchpin for regional livability and vitality far into the future.

The program will host a maximum of 60 participants over 7 weeks to discuss the complex linkages between transportation, community development and sustainability.   These complexities and their relationship to the goals of the Denver Metro Region are uncovered in the program through a variety of speakers from the development community, public health sector, municipal government, the Regional Transportation District and many more.

The cornerstone of this unique program is that participants will take their new knowledge and put it in action.  Each session will be designed to be very interactive and participants will be asked to follow-up each session with a homework assignment.  In addition, participants will spend a portion of each class designing their individual action plan that they will implement in their community upon completing the Academy.

The Transit Alliance Citizens’ Academy is limited to a class of 60 who will be selected on the basis of demonstrated leadership ability and commitment to make future contributions to transportation, community development, healthy living and improving the quality of life in Metro Denver.

I think it's the individual action plan that has me in a great deal of anxiety.  

Reflections

Trying something and failing, to me, is always better than doing nothing and still failing.  It concerns me that so many are fundamentally stuck and unwilling to compromise or attempt new ideas.

I think good city planning, or planning that encourages people to be out of the confines of their houses, will increase the respect we have for each other in the arena of public debate, conversation and legislation.

It makes little sense to me that we incentivize bad behavior like driving with so much public money to keep the gas tax low and add to our disgustingly large freeways.  It's bad policy.  It disgusts me that people get in their cars to drive less than a mile.  And I used to be that person.  It wears on the environment, in takes away an opportunity for you to be outside getting just a bit of exercise for 15 minutes and for what?  Convenience? Really?  So you can get home and sit on the couch and surf the internet for another hour of time while you don't make a healthy dinner for yourself or your family?  Energy to do things comes when you get in the habit of doing them.

This is also why I think cable television is a disgusting habit.  You have so many better entertainment options when you turn off the tv.  Go do something in your community.  Have iced tea on your front porch and say hello to your neighbors.  We are so phobic to other people that we forget that we are not the only people with needs.  We lose empathy for people we don't know because we fear them.

This is why I want to be a planner.  I want to contribute to the notion of well built communities that encourage behaviors that are opposite of the general suburbanite now.  I grew up in a real community.  People didn't like my political viewpoint but they had known me since I was a kid and respected that I had one.  And now I have this vast network of people all over the world who know someone who knows my parents and because of this connection would go out of their way to help a former NE Coloradan.  People are our allies, folks, not things to be feared.  Why shouldn't we help those who can't help themselves?  Why shouldn't there be a place for homeless people to go or non-stigmatized mental health options?  Why should someone else care what I do or don't put in my body and or if and or when I decide is a good time for me to have children.  I don't care what other people believe or practice so long as it does not affect me in any negative way.

In terms of the debate over Chick Fil A.  Yes, they are more than allowed to support whatever institution they see fit and yes I am allowed to decide to never eat there again, no I don't think a city should proactively keep a business from setting up shop and yes, Chick Fil A will be on the losing side of history.  Let the market drive them back out.

Gen Y'ers who are right around my age will be starting careers much later than previous generations, many will be underemployed for much of their lives and most of us will not have the earning potential that previous generations had because of the economy we graduated into.  Am I angry?  Damn right I'm angry.  But instead of bitching about how it's everyone else's fault, I go ahead and live my life within my means.  I appreciate people, I believe in building strong communities and I'm making the best of an unfortunate situation.  All those who had Grandparents you commented about doing things like saving tin foil and pennies because they grew up in the Depression, I will be that Grandmother because I came of age in the Great Recession.

But I will also have a greater appreciation for better times when this whole mess is over.  And it will end because that is the ebb and flow of an economy.  This one will find it's equilibrium and begin again to grow.  But do we have to be so awful to each other in the mean time?  Is it not already hard enough?  Come on people!!

And Everyday I'm Learning About You

Prom dresses just live in an infamous world of tacky.  They never cease to become less classy with every year of their existence.  They are ill designed and plastered with misplaced glitter and sequins and fit the bodies of their wearers quite awkwardly.

My box is en route from Seattle, this marks the finality of many things and as sad I am for the changes in my life, I am happy that I am finished with that saga.  It's time that I move my life forward from this part of my past.  I will be eternally grateful for my experiences, it's time to let go.

It's my goal to not spend any money throughout the course of this week.

Tonight would be lovely if I could get in a full eight hours of shut-eye.  Last night, my fan turned itself off and I woke up drenched in sweat, feeling as though I had spent a full six and half hours in a Sauna.

I should make some time to finish Gatsby and do some drawing before school starts.  My Union Station tour is coming up next week and I'm pretty sincerely excited about it.

My apartment bares the appearance of having had a tornado tear through it.  But standing on my feet for 8 hours makes me feet hurt on a level that limits my energies for things like eating and cleaning up my mess pit of an apartment.  Not to mention my general lack of sleep last night.  The last hour of work was very trying for me also.  My supervisor must assume I'm mildly retarded.

NPR music, NPR podcasts, NPR news, all of it, I'm an NPR fiend. I should donate more money to them when I'm working a big girl job.

I don't know if I would qualify myself as a full fledged liberal Democrat.  I have some very libertarian views concerning the tax code.

My body would desperately appreciate it if I went to sleep really soon.  Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment for a physical soon.

The Xx is possibly my new favorite band.

Don't Press Pause

Moonrise Kingdom was a beautiful, poignant film.  I'm really glad to have seen it.  The soundtrack, the edit of the footage, the story, the narration, all of it was on par with my expectations if not surpassed them.  I will likely purchase this one. 

I need to expand on my network.  It feels rather restricted, confined and non-inspirational.  I imagine couples' and game nights with Brian and Iris and Becca.  And I imagine going camping and hiking with the above mentioned people and Therese and Luke and I imagine movies in the park and ice skating in the winter and having a buddy to go snow boarding with.  Living alone is starting to feel really lonely.  Maybe it's just tonight.  I want to wake up with someone and make breakfast and have a lazy Sunday together.  We can take a swing dancing class together and meet new friends together, in the process.  We can go to places like Williams and Graham, South Broadway and the grocery store.  I want to make friends with my neighbors.  It makes me happy that when walking through my neighborhood I can expect to be cheerily greeted by 3 or 4 people also walking or sitting on front porches.  It increases my quality of life 10 fold.  I feel like I have nothing in common with people in my life anymore.  And I realize that I've covered about 6 different topics in this one paragraph, and yes, it bothers me grammatically as well.  

I need a big change.  I'm feeling massively claustrophobic about something.  Something is not right.  I put a big damper on my ability to just go and make big changes in my life by committing two years to myself in one place.  I will have to be creative about my sources of change.  

It seems like all the things I had complaints about with Andrew have gone away.  He communicates really well with me, he shares his feelings about things without being poked and prodded to do so, he is attentive my needs and likes and takes my recommendations seriously, he cares about having my work schedule so he knows when he can talk to me, he cares about what I want and he has had to take care of his own damn self for some time now and has a better understanding of what that is like.  I feel like he appreciates me more.  I've been burned by dreams in the past, I hope this fire does not do the same.  

"'Space' according to the Hitchhiker's guide is 'big'"

I'm really depressed about the state of humanity right at the moment.  Between reading that the cost of care and testing after a rape, without insurance is about $4000.00 and the shootings in Aurora and all the angry dialog afterwards, I'm just done with it all.

My sleep patterns are in a detrimental state of disrepair, currently.  After this week of craziness and highs and lows of emotions, I'm ready to just take the next month and just chill the eff out. Which is good because I anticipate being broker than broke for the next month.

It worries me that I'm doing all this work in school and I won't make anything of my life.  It's such a specialized course of study that I've chosen and I'm sure it's applicable in other non-specialized fields but my future freaks me out sometimes.  My post nap activities included looking at real estate listings in my neighborhood.  It's a realistic dream to own a home and have a career and a big girl life but I'm still stuck in a confusing moment between young adult and normal adult and somedays it's hard to imagine what my full fledged normal adult life will look like.  And maybe that is part of the fun in it, the not knowing.

My plant is growing out of control.  Apparently it likes the environment out of the shower better than the one in the shower.

Tomorrow I plan to do nothing and to read.  I caught up on some sleep with my nap, this afternoon.  I slept so hard that when I woke up I was sure it was tomorrow and it took me a good five or so minutes to figure out when I was.

I've realized that in order for me to start saving money and living more simply that I have got to say no to more invitations. I just have this complex that if I say no one time that I will never again be invited so I say yes to everything and end up broke and exhausted.  This will be my next personality flaw correction I will pursue.

Labor day can NOT come soon enough!

And I'm Still Falling

I'm stuck on a conversation I had, earlier today.  It bothers me quite tremendously that Austin dragged my name through the mud so badly when we broke up.  I honestly do not know that I could have done much differently.  This is almost 10 year old news so I'm not quite sure why I'm so irritated by it right now.  It probably has something to do with my needing to ask his mom to do me a huge favor that could have a huge impact on my career and I feel completely uncomfortable doing it because I know his family has mixed feelings about me.  And it makes me crazy because that jackass broke up with me so that he could ask out another girl and when she wasn't interested he came running back to me.  His reaction to our breakup was irrational and overstated.  And it pisses me off that it is having any effect on me this far removed from that time in my life.

It would be really nice to be completely occupied with school.  The nuanced complications of interpersonal relationships with people in my life are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I need to do something with my evening.  I'm confident PMS just hit me like a brick.  I definitely just cried for no reason.  I'm also crazy tired right now.  And cranky.  And crazy with anxiety.  I would like it to rain this evening.

What the shit am I doing with my life?  It seems like something is missing and I don't know what it is.  I'm in the middle of a transition and I would like it to go ahead and work itself out.  Maybe I'll start by doing my laundry.

Here is a fun video for the evening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GohpyK5Y3g&feature=player_embedded

I Know Anything Is Possible

My poor toe was stubbed quite violently on my way home from work while I power-walked my mildly irritated self home.

For the most part, I do a pretty good job of not having expectations for people.  But I feel like I am going to have to distance myself for having experienced a disappointment in what was already a low to non-existant expectation.  This is a greatly saddens me.  I suppose that's life though.  We tend to grow away from people when we create physical and or emotional distance between each other.  Life goes on.  So it goes.

Over the weekend, I started a list of things in Colorado I would like to see and do.  Ghost towns, Mesa Verde, snowboarding in CO powder, touring the New Belgium Brewery, Oh My God Road, the Colorado History Museum, The Byers-Evans House are a few I have come up with so far.  If anyone reading this has any other ideas of things I MUST see or do in CO, please feel free to contribute your ideas as they are much appreciated.

For next year's resolutions, I need to add "purchase a passport".

I should sleep rather well tonight; the rain always seems to help with that.  Lately I've been remembering more of my dreams than normal.  And it's not the normal one I remember, where I'm being chased by some automatic weapon wielding jackass who would like to see me dead.  That dream is always terribly stressful.

Mike Birbiglia is a comic genius and I can NOT wait to see his movie.  I wish it was at the Mayan instead of Chez Artiste but I'm pretty sure I can still get to Chez Artiste on the bus.  If not, I'll have coerce someone into seeing it with me.  It has 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes which is UNHEARD of.

Sleepwalk with me by Mike Birbiglia:

And since I'm OBSESSED with the Wizard of Oz, when I just discovered this trailer just now, I may have peed a little with excitement!!!

The song for today was shared with me this morning by a dear friend.  I adore it and may have had it on repeat for nearly the entirety of my day.