Wipe A Tear, Blow A Kiss

I woke up at 2 in the freaking morning, stupidly checked my email like a lunatic and found that Andrew had emailed me back.  So of course my brain went into overdrive over-think mode and I didn't fall back asleep until well after 4 in the morning.  And I know it was after 4 in the morning because my neighbor's ungodly alarm clock went off for 15 minutes, and then I was finally able to go back to sleep.

And now after a very good but quite exhausting day, I'm in insomnia mode again.

Andrew and I agreed to have a discussion.  And I'm crazy anxious about it.  I haven't heard the man's voice in well over a year.  Now that I've started truly healing and grieving over our breakup I have mixed feelings about this conversation.  I miss him.  But I don't know if I miss him truly or miss the idea of what we had.  The whole thing is incredibly confusing and has me all mixed up and a little unstable.  I tried talking to my mom about it; and though she allowed me to divulge all of my fears and my anticipations and my feelings for him, she was zero help in the what should I do category, the am I crazy category, and the general guidance category.  I love her to death but I think in all the amount of time I spent getting her to allow me to make my own decisions she has lost the ability to form opinions about my life.  I have mixed feelings about this as well.

This weekend I need to let go of all of these thoughts, stop dwelling on them and just be in the moment with my family.  I will be okay and what will be will be.  Giving myself some space from these crazy emotions is exactly what I need.  For the first time since I left, I am truly excited to go home for the weekend.  What is wrong with me?

The Vacant Space

When I successfully woke at 6:00 AM, this morning, I had forgotten all the reasons why I felt so physically and mentally exhausted.  Then it all came back to me, like a trauma that was so much worse than what actually took place last night.  It's as though I finally feel the loss of my relationship with Andrew and that's why I feel the emotional and physical pang of having experienced some kind of trauma last night.

It hurts.  I can't even believe how much it hurts.  Will there come a time when I actually deal with things as they happen or will I always wait a few years before I grieve my losses?

But I would like to point out that I successfully made it out of bed pre-8AM.  And I'm about to walk 6 miles, round trip to run my errands.  Tonight I'm going to a concert that changed the trajectory of my life back onto the track I should never have left and it's also a concert at Red Rocks and that, alone, is a life changing experience.  I really hope not to see Austin and his new girlfriend.  I look like hell, today, and I don't want the stress of having to appear with the beauty and grace of someone it would be a mistake to lose.

Clearly, I have a considerable amount of healing to do.  My Single Girl's Guide to Everyday Dating is going to switch gears towards my single girl attitudes toward myself and how I am taking care of myself in this time in my life.  People tell me and I often read how I should be very, very grateful for this single time in my life and I tend to think they are on to something with this argument.  So that's what I'm working to do.  And somedays it truly is a lot of work.

While I'm Busy Making Other Plans

My brother keeps putting me in the position to act like a child, lately.  A few days ago, he asked my mom if he could have my giant toy chest my dad built for me.  Maybe I wouldn't have such an issue with it being in his home if it wasn't going to a kid that isn't his for a girl who I am not convinced is not somehow scamming us all by claiming my brother is the father of her child.  I don't know what to say. So far I've said yes on the condition that I can ask for it back anytime for any reason.  But I kind of maybe want to rescind my original agreement.  What if his kids ruin it?  My dad doesn't make things out of wood anymore.  It just seems like he is taking away a dear piece of my childhood to give to people who aren't worthy to give it to.  I have to let that sentiment go.  It's the exact sentiment my great grandparents created a lot of resentment over.  And who am I to say who is and who is not worthy of my sentimental childhood family memories and heirlooms?  I don't even want kids.  I'm reacting like a toddler who doesn't want to share her toys.  

I'm trying to figure out my recent sentimental longing for and missing of Andrew is all about.  How can I find myself missing him?  I'm sure it's perfectly healthy but I feel like feeling that longing for his familiarity is fucking my shit up.  It's confusing.  I miss the nights of laying on the couch with him and making dinner with him and heading up into the mountains for a long weekend and kissing him goodbye before he went to work and calling him before I came home and his mom and Bill and and going to Costco on Sundays and our anniversary on New Year's.  I think I've just healed enough in the time we've been away from each other to start to forget how miserable I was in the end.  The whole thing is just confusing.  Dreadfully, terribly, awfully, disturbingly confusing.  What am I going to do with myself?  Somedays I would just like to stop feeling feelings.  I've been having a lot of those lately.  Is this what it feels like to actually work through one's feelings instead of simply shifting them aside for a later date?  Is this me sorting through all those fears, insecurities, tragedies and so forth that I shifted aside for a later date?  We'll just go with that.  

Mid-Year Check-In

Let's check in on my Resolution List.

So my list as a whole will look likes this:

Attend a poetry reading( I think I'll check this out soon)
Get my camera out at least once a month(I'm at about every other month, unless my phone counts)
Run five miles
Try a new food/wine once a month(So far on track)
Volunteer (Interviewing for a volunteer internship on Thursday)
Learn to make a new recipe once a month (I think I'm pretty on track with this)
Write every single day (Well, since I have nothing else to do right now, it's going well)
Lose another 10 pounds (I'll bet if I started on the five mile thing that this would happen)
Stick to my budget(For the most part)
Get a pedicure
Continue to learn my own nuances and quirks and continue to develop who I am and love myself unconditionally
Maintain an "A" average in my classes (B's for the first semester, but I have one to go)
Go someplace I've never been before
Stop using my credit cards
Learn to make conversation with random strangers
See live music once a month (So far so good)
See a therapist
Buy a good bra
Learn to sing in front of people again.

Regaining Focus

It's not that I'm unhappy being single, I just have not completely succeeded in letting go of the ways I have experienced hurt.  And so sometimes, I find myself unable to sleep and in a world of anxiety and fear and frustration.  I have to stop blaming myself and I have to forgive, completely, and forget in a way that allows me to move on.  

Tomorrow I'm going to start a regimen of self-appreciation and recognition for the things that are great about me.  It's important to remember what I'm thankful for and who I am and how far I have come.  Being hard on myself has been such a huge part of who I am for so very long, it's hard to let it go.

10 things to focus on:

1. Celebrate my past
2. Indulge my desires
3. Let Go of my mistakes
4. Transform my mindset
5. Embrace my future
6. Dive into my passions
7. Live in my moment
8. Sing my own praises
9. Listen to my ideas
10. Appreciate my life

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

Recouping Costs

It seems as though I'm doing an awful lot of writing in this thing, lately.  It certainly contributes that I have the time for it at the moment.  My hangover is finally passed, thank you sweet jesus.

Taking the summer day by day is helping me heal in ways I didn't know were possible.  Today, I feel stronger, more independent and confident in who I am than I did even a year ago, six months ago, three weeks ago.  It's such an amazing transformation to feel myself go through and I really like the way it feels. And as rough as it is at times to spend so much time confined in close quarters of solitude with myself, these days, I think it is actually doing a world of good in helping me understand who I am and what I'm willing to tolerate and who I want to be.   But on the topic of the summer I want to make a list of things I'm looking forward to doing/experiencing.

Pool time at Ashley's
Concerts
Festivals
Time with family
For fun reading
Trips to the Farmer's market
Sun kissed skin
Roof top patio afternoon happy hour beers
Volunteering
Starting a new job and transitioning into a new chapter of my life

Coconut Water Saved My Life Today

Coconut water delivery for the win.  And tofu with honey sesame sauce, spring rolls and fried gyoza. And I'm hoping all of it cures this hangover from hell. I also discovered a fantastic service that allows you to place your delivery order online and tells you which restaurants deliver to you and it would be awesome if this thing takes off because presumably as more people use it, more restaurants will see the benefit of the service.

Coconut water is helping me feel human again.  I'm guessing all of the tofu I just ate is helping as well.  Tonight will inevitably be a very early evening for me.

Today I'm wishing I had a back yard with an awesome garden and a beautiful porch and someone to play with my hair and go get me sorbet at Little Man. I would also have something like this, somewhere in my garden.

Enthusiastically, I'm ready and prepared for my night's sleep, in my bed.

Last night, after I feel on my ass in an attempt to sit in a chair we were approached by a couple of guys who were semi cute but seemed way too young and probably were under the impression that we (as a result of my embarrassing act of clumsiness) were drunk enough to sleep with them.  Anyway, I had a great Economics debate with one of them.  That's how I roll, I engage potential suitors in Economics debates.  Annnddd that might be why I'm single.  Regardless, I would like to find the guy who likes that I engaged him in an Economics debate or one who engages me in said debate.

I've started watching this Alcatraz show and it's pretty creepy.  I haven't decided the premise of the show, yet and I definitely haven't decided whether or not I like it.

Next week I have an interview for an internship and hopefully I'll start getting call backs on some of the teller positions I applied for.  I'm hoping to start employment early June.  That would be optimum.

Three Cheers for Auburn Hair of Awesomeness

I officially have some fantastic red hair and I can't decide whether to show it off in a classic wrap dress or cardigan and trouser pants.  I've been spending some time feeling weird about dressing so much older than the crowd at Jackson's.  Then I realize that I severely dislike the crowd at Jackson's and I'm less likely to get hit on by some idiot if I look classier than the rest of the crowd.  So I'll stick with my class wardrobe.  Because I've been on the Joan kick lately, I think I'll go with wrap dress and wavy curls pinned back on one side with red heels.  I am my own brand of sexy.

My appetite has been seriously dull lately.  It just doesn't seem to make an appearance very often.  I have mixed feelings about this.

I'm pretty excited about the party tomorrow night.  It seems like a crowd of people that I will get along well with.  And I'll wear my new summery dress since I believe it's suppose to be damn hot tomorrow.

My dad is coming to get me next Friday and I'm kind of stoked about having a daddy/daughter day.  Even if much of it will be spent looking at cornfields.  I'm actually excited to go back next weekend.

According to this highly hilarious Jezebel article, wearing my glass out will help me appear intelligent and will lessen the likelihood of my getting hit on by douche bags looking for a hook up.  Good.  My glasses will be my new best friend.  Maybe I'll make it my goal to become a spinster; a cold, heartless, man-eating  spinster.  I'll wear a sign on my forehead that screams "leave me the fuck alone."

Limited Data Plans

So... the date was okay.  Apparently I don't show up to anything perfectly on time, ever.  I am notoriously 15-20 minutes early for everything in my life.  Except college.  That I showed up for a few years later than everyone else.  So I went over to the riverfront to wait out the dreadful amount of time I got there early in and my date walked by me.  I definitely recognized him but said nothing.  I followed him back across the bridge like a creeper to see if I could figure out for sure if it was him.  Anyway, this caused me to be at the restaurant 10 minutes early so I stood up the street for a bit to kill time (thank God for smart phones).  Aaannnddd got a text from him at 5 till that he had just parked.  Dude totally did the same thing as me, getting there absurdly early and all.  So I lied back and said I had just gotten there.

Conversation was good, he was cute, beer was good.  I can never tell if a guy is just shy or if he's not into me.  He drove me home which was great but he didn't hug me goodbye.  So I'm just going to assume he's not into me and move on with my life.  I'm so disenchanted with dating that I'm choosing not to care if he wants to go out again because I'm assuming he doesn't.

I don't think I'll go on anymore dates.  It's too much work to put on a pretty face and go be charming.  So I'm not going to do it anymore.

I'm also going to dye my hair red.


PS.....

After some further thought, it doesn't matter what he thought of the date because I am adorable and charming and if he doesn't think that, he's mildly retarded.  And I'm not even sure that I'm into it and really that is what matters.

Temping

Temp.  The temporary job situation seems ideal for me right now.  I can go into a company long enough to learn the work, meet new people and possibly make new friends and leave before I hate life because I hate the job so much.  I have my resume on file with a few temp agencies and one called to check in with me today so that is looking pretty promising.

Temporary seems like a good word to wrap up my life right now.  I'm in a temporary life right now, poising everything to change in a few years.  Or next week everything will change because that's the course my life seems to be on lately.  How do I feel about the fact that I have no desire to make long term plans because nothing seems to go the way I plan it to go?  I think that's normal.  Maybe that's part of growing up is learning to expect for the unplanned.

I'm suppose to go on a date in a few hours.  I REALLY want to cancel.  But I don't want to cancel for anything that resembles a good explanation so I'm going to go.  Dude is cute, seems genuinely interested, thinks I'm funny, seems like a nice enough guy.  But the problem, here, lays in the fact that he is a guy.  And guys have a history of breaking my heart.  So I'm just not that interested in trying again.  But I also have a LOT of time on my hands so the prospect of a new friend who likes bike riding on the Cherry Creek trail sounds very enticing.  Beyond that it sounds like another round of fucking dating.  And at the moment I think dating is a farce.  I'm protesting by not going out of my way to worry too much about what I'm going to wear and wasting all sorts of time not getting ready to go.  Currently I'm sitting on the couch, pantsless, watching House and writing about not wanting to go on the date I'm forcing myself to go on.

Christina Hendricks is my new body image hero.  I would really like to dress exclusively like Joan from Mad Men.

Born To Fly

My favorite song as a 13 year old.  Who would have know how fortuitous it actually was.  It's even Wizard of Oz themed.

Musings on nothing in particular

The rain is falling again.  Because of this I took the bus home and because I took the bus home I ate shit on the dirt patch immediately at my bus stop.  It was HILARIOUS to the average onlooker.  But a little painful for me.  But back to the rain.  I love it.

My ex posted a picture from what is obviously the deck of our old apartment.  Why doesn't he move?  Why stay in a place with so many memories of us with my stuff?  I don't think I could heal that way.  All people heal differently but I don't think he has healed.  He won't accept my friend request on Facebook nearly two years later.  He is friends with all of his exes but me.  Which means he still is uncomfortable with the idea of me being in his life.  What I don't understand, here, is why I want him to accept my friend request, why I sent one to him in the first place. Is this part of my forgiveness process?

I'm nostalgic for a time when country music was distinguishable from bad pop music.  In the absurd amount of music I downloaded, I managed to get a hold of a bazillion country songs from my youth.  There is a lot more Zytego influence in that time period.  Maybe that's why I like it so much.

I've decided I'll watch Mr. Holland's Opus tonight.

Baby Shower Madness

I feel like I deserve a merit badge for waking up pre-7AM, today.  Granted, I haven't done anything with my day besides drink coffee and eat the remnants of last night's popcorn.  Oh and I also put my resume on file with a couple of local temp agencies.  And I've also tracked my shipment of new camisoles (I justified the purchase since my basic black cami is riddled with holes and I potentially will need it for interviews, the dress doesn't have a justification other than it was on sale and SUPER adorable), and tried to locate something reasonably awesome to gift my brother's baby.

On the subject of baby shower gifts.  I'm unemployed and 20-something and am pretty unsure about the needs of an infant, so purchasing a gift for my brother and for my friends' babies is causing me a little bit of stress.  I've been thinking this with this this and possibly this.  If I had more money available, they would all get this awesomeness: Because let's be real, that is freaking adorable.

I've given myself until 10:00 AM to continue with laziness and the wake up process.  Then I have to get my life together and do things that appear productive.  Like a trip to the library or cleaning up my kitchen again and making my bed and maybe I'll make some art or something.  

I need more patterns, stripes, floral, paisley, polka dots, etc in my wardrobe.  It seems like my wardrobe undergoes a transition into more grown-up pieces every couple of years.  It would be great to find a classic button down that fits me correctly.  I fear, though, that with my well-endowment that this is a never-ending chase towards something that doesn't exist.  Kind of like finding a good man. 

On New Babies and Loss of Friends and Growing Up (And all that entails)

It occurred to me, last night as I lay wide awake well into the wee hours of insomnia, that I'm not appreciating this time of leisure nearly enough. I may never have this opportunity again.  My anxiety is misplaced and unnecessary.  What a fantastic time to focus on remembering to breath, remembering to take a moment in my pursuit of happiness to just be happy.

I have a complex about the prospect of my having dementia someday.  It seems like acceptance of the likelihood being completely fact will help me deal with it, deal with my grandmother, my mother.  Knowing this gene is hiding somewhere in my body, just waiting for it's opportunity to mutate and start it's takeover of my brain and my memories is scary as shit.  I wonder if they have some kind of support group for people dealing with grandmothers dying from dementia and fearing that they will to someday have it.  

Tomorrow the Army Corp of Engineers will be flooding the Cherry Creek Trail and I'm crazy excited to go see what that looks like.  

I don't ever want to be stuck in the suburbs again.  I like the idea of a moderately sized home in the middle of the city with bakeries, concert venues, cocktail lounges, delis, bookstores and parks all with in walking distance.  I want to have season tickets to the symphony, a Vespa, a feminist husband and plants and a dog.  I'll have a membership to a yoga studio and Costco and make fantastic money doing something I love.  

I have now been asked on three separate occasions in the last 6 months to please keep the secret of a pregnancy.  I go through a process of mourning each time this happens because inevitably this means that the nature of my relationship with this person will never be the same and it's sad and it hurts.  It's painful to grow up sometimes.  And it's entirely selfish of me to feel like I'm losing my friends and family to babies.  Maybe it would help if I actually liked babies.  My life is changing into pure, unfiltered adulthood and it scares me a bit.  I'm choosing a career and thinking about what I truly want from my life and I'm partying like I won't be able to do it anymore soon.  It's like my subconscious is under the false impression that if I spend more time being irresponsible now, full-fledged adulthood will take more time to get here.  So many dynamics of my friendships just don't feel the same as they did even six months ago.  Who has changed?  Me? Them? Both of us?

But I'm 25 now.  And 30 is my benchmark for when I have to start being a big girl for real.  That's only 5 more years.  Look at how fast the last 7 years, since high school, have gone.  I think I'm doing something with my life.  I think school counts as doing something with my life.  

Somedays you are the pigeon

PMS hit me like a sack of bricks, this afternoon.  All it took was being informed that the weekend I had planned for Seattle is the weekend my family has planned my great grandmother's birthday party and my niece's baby shower.  And as annoying as it is to have to ask to reschedule and go through the process of rescheduling, I'm a little relieved to not be going.  I still have some hard feelings going on about Seattle.  I haven't forgiven her for providing me another whallop of hurt from another boy yet.  I'm sure I will.  Seattle and I have a deep connection that can't be completely broken by a silly boy but I just don't know about being ready to see her again right now.  Especially since my support group there thinks I made a mistake in letting go of someone who so desperately misunderstood me and wanted me to be someone whom I'm not.

It will be a very, very long time before I trust another person not to break my heart.  I don't want to be anyone but me.  I don't want to have to defend every single thing that comes out of my mouth.  And if every other thing I say offends you in some way, we are clearly not meant to be.

There are so many things to appreciate about not working for a while.  I've needed this reprieve for a very long time.  I need to stop taking it for granted.  Somedays I just need to take my nerd book to the hipster hot spot and attempt my best impression while I people watch the absurdities of other peoples' behavior.

My 6th grade teach commented on my status about being in a quarter-life crisis, this evening.  I can't even believe the difference her comment made.  Sometimes I just need to know that life gets better with wine and with age.  Because sometimes I forget.

My mom tells me everything will be okay.  I hope she is right.  I know she is right.  Somedays it just feels like I fail at life.  But then again, somedays you are the pigeon and somedays you are the statue or car or whatever else the pigeon feels like shitting on.

Wildwood Flower

In terms of parenthood.  I just read an interesting article about parenting.  I tend to agree that mothers have so much more to sacrifice in the traditional parenthood balance and at this point in my life I tend to believe that there is not a man whom I could trust to carry his weight in the child rearing experience.  If I didn't have to carry the child (adoption or surrogate) or be primary caregiver (nanny or SAHD) I would be completely on board with the parenthood thing.

It seems likely that I will start a volunteer internship with the Denver BBB soon.  I'm super excited about it.  I REALLY need something to occupy my time with.  I spend entirely too many hours on my couch these days.  I should do more exercise.

The other thing I would like to get better at is having the courage to go do things by myself.  I'm going to start this evening by going to a reading at the Tattered Cover.  Right now I'm pretty excited about it but I'm sure I'll start to feel a little less confident about it as it gets closer to the actual time to go.

My music collection has been dramatically improved today with the addition of some Ray Charles, Johnny Cash and an assortment of American Blues, folk, zydeco and Americana artists.  I'm pretty stoked about it.  It's definitely the music wave length I've been on as of late.  If it weren't for the extreme disparity in rights I would have as a woman in any other time then now I would be on board with being my age in the 40's 50's or 60's.

Someday I hope to have an incredible story to tell about my life.  Hopefully I'll remember some of it.

Undressing the dismal science

You can't break my heart if I don't give it to you.  Survival, emotional and otherwise seems to require a poker faced coolness that I have been hard to come by.  But it's getting better.

The smell of the rain on the pavement is blowing in through my windows.  The thunder cracks from far away.  What a perfect day.  Myself and I have spent the entirety of my waking hours in complete solitude, taking care of only my needs, nursing only my own wounds and appreciating where I have found myself, in my life.

While I was showering a little bit ago I thought back on having my eyebrow pierced and that this was during a time in my life what was fundamental in setting the trajectory to where I find myself right now.  If I never would have broken my ankle I maybe never would have had the same opportunity to test what I will tolerate and I would maybe not be sitting here, now, examining what I'm doing with my life.

But what I appreciate about the whole thing is that I genuinely like who I am.  And though I'm not perfectly where I want to be in my life, I still have more to work towards, more to experience and to become.  Right now, in this moment, I am okay, I have enough, I am blessed with amazing people, friends and family.

But fuck it would be nice if I could secure employment.  As soon as I do, I have finally chosen my tattoo. And I need a new sports bra.

Trains leaving the station

BFE is a long way and seriously inconvenient way to travel to party with someone who hasn't been a great friend in a considerable amount of time.  Friendships don't seem to end with the same senses of closure that romantic relationships end.  We don't really get to grieve in the same ways either.  It seems reasonable to be sad over the loss of a friend who has been through some pivotal moments with you.  I just can't handle the selfishness and toxicity of what this has turned into and it is a great source of disappointment for me right now.

I don't remember the grey and rain brining me down when I was in Seattle.  Lately, since it's been cloudy and grey here it's been bringing me down.  I guess I've gotten used to the sunshine again, figuratively and literally.

I think it will be acceptable for me to nap for the rest of this afternoon.  Maybe I'll wake up less bummed out.

Today I'm thankful for rom coms and a comfy couch.

A Sign of Life

Fighting bulimia, I imagine, is much like battling a morphine addiction.  Once you have it, it never truly goes away.  Things, events, people, weather, weird things set me on the trajectory.  I have got to find a job before I my Facebook 'liking"spree gets any worse.

For the rest of the evening I am going to allow myself to just feel my wounds, experience the hurt from them, and find a way to be okay again.  There are just moments in my days, these days, when I no longer feel stable and strong,  when I feel terrified and alone.  Part of it is that I have all sorts of time to think, part is that I have much to potentially be stressed about.

I'm not ready to leave Denver.  I like my life here and it's the first time in my life that I very honestly and truly love my life.  Today I found myself with an opportunity to walk down a street I had yet to explore in my neighborhood and decided I am ready to court the idea of a long term commitment to the highlands.  It was perfect.  Neighborhoods are like small towns all nestled in the efficiency of a large city municipality.  It's fantastic.  It's exciting to me.  I love great neighborhoods.  And I love fun reading about Economics.  And this is why people think I'm strange.  Among other things.

But I'm giving myself this night to grieve the transition I have found myself in.  It is okay to feel scared and sad right now.  My life is a big question mark.  I have a safe place to allow myself to grieve and that is the best gift I can give me, right now.

Crying doesn't indicate that I am weak.  Since the dawn of time it has been a sign that I am alive.

All The Time in The World

I should have avoided Norah Jones' Little Broken Hearts album entirely.  In all it's beauty, it is a testament to a reminder of days gone by.  "Good Morning" tore at my heart strings as I remembered waking up after fights with Andrew thinking "my thoughts of leaving are back on the table."  The melody, the lyrics, the tone everything about this song embodies the way I felt at the end of that relationship.  It's just so strange to feel that way again.  Suppose I hadn't left, would I still feel that way?  Am I really far enough away from those feelings that they feel foreign to me, finally?

Let us examine my life as of today.  Yesterday I had the opportunity to have been provided with a glaring example of how incredibly put together my life really is.  Comparison can be the thief of joy but in this case it was the provider of ease and release.  Such a testament to how much work I have put into becoming who I am today!  I could see parts of my life a year or more ago in his life, his troubles, his reactions, I could see myself in them.  I deserve a high five for surviving and becoming who I am.

It's starting to stress me out that I haven't heard anything about an interview yet.  I'm practicing cutting myself some slack and for the most part it's working.

Insomnia

It's 2:00 in the morning. And I'm up like a regular insomniac. Mostly I'm waiting for my couch to go away so I can breathe while I sleep. I finished my first semester back in school yesterday. Proud doesn't even begin to describe how fantastic I'm feeling about the way I've handled me life in the last year and a half.

My life is like a a game of asteroids. Constantly, I'm bombarded with obstacles and random things and things I'm not sure how to deal with. Sometimes it just gets to be too much.

I'm not sure I trust myself to pick a romantic partner. This is an area in my life from which I repeatedly fail myself. At least this time I didn't stick it out to see just how bad it got. That man could yell about the moon being yellow if you gave him the opportunity and I didn't like the way that made me feel. At all.

So far, I have results back only on my math final. That was a B. I want to know what I got on the Econ final. 50 questions in 26 minutes makes me way nervous.

It would help my stress level recede considerably if I got a call back on any of the job applications I have floating out there in space. Granted, it took Bellco about a week and a half before they called me on my application and it's only now been a week since I started applying. I'm really hoping for the CCCU job, downtown. It would be great to keep bank holidays, the pay is fantastic, it's super close to where I live and the hours are right.

I think I'm finally prepared to go back to sleep. Good night world.