When I successfully woke at 6:00 AM, this morning, I had forgotten all the reasons why I felt so physically and mentally exhausted. Then it all came back to me, like a trauma that was so much worse than what actually took place last night. It's as though I finally feel the loss of my relationship with Andrew and that's why I feel the emotional and physical pang of having experienced some kind of trauma last night.
It hurts. I can't even believe how much it hurts. Will there come a time when I actually deal with things as they happen or will I always wait a few years before I grieve my losses?
But I would like to point out that I successfully made it out of bed pre-8AM. And I'm about to walk 6 miles, round trip to run my errands. Tonight I'm going to a concert that changed the trajectory of my life back onto the track I should never have left and it's also a concert at Red Rocks and that, alone, is a life changing experience. I really hope not to see Austin and his new girlfriend. I look like hell, today, and I don't want the stress of having to appear with the beauty and grace of someone it would be a mistake to lose.
Clearly, I have a considerable amount of healing to do. My Single Girl's Guide to Everyday Dating is going to switch gears towards my single girl attitudes toward myself and how I am taking care of myself in this time in my life. People tell me and I often read how I should be very, very grateful for this single time in my life and I tend to think they are on to something with this argument. So that's what I'm working to do. And somedays it truly is a lot of work.
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