Immune System Out

This has been a rough few weeks.  It feels like my body and immune system was under the impression that we all held it together brilliantly for the last year so everyone was going on vacation.  And in moved a boil that turned into like 25 boils.  Next came the cold sore.  And the runny nose.  Then the cough.  Then my asthma was like...  hold my beer.  But with some good meds and the world's most expensive asthma attack ER visit I seem to be doing quite well again.

Sam and I had our first fight.  We worked it out okay.  I think I handled it reasonably well.  And he did too after he came to understand that he had hurt me with his actions.  He brought me sliceworks the next night because he might actually be the best.

Things just feel different with him.  I'm comfortable with how we operate together.  I have enough space to myself to not feel like I'm throwing my summer of me to a man.  And enough of him to feel loved and wanted when I need it.  And the sex is mind blowing.  So there's that.  He gives me space to be me.  And he doesn't shy away when I'm weird.  While no perfect human exists, he fits me quite well.

I'm tired.  And happy. 

I've been getting the urge to settle down and start a family now that things are slowing down for me.  This isn't all that unusual given that I was there with Andrew before I burned that life down and started over.   I don't want to rush into anything with anyone who isn't the right match for my future. 

My apartment is unequivocally and unapologetically me.  It is glorious.  It has been a wonderful place to reground myself.  It feels safe here.  I'm going to start weaning down my antidepressant.  Which means I need to start seeing my therapist again. 

The Return of Normal

Holy shit.  Today feels like I am almost back to normal.  It's mind-blowing.  I have routine and emotional stability and a feeling of general well-being.

My intern was selected to attend a Summit in D.C. and as her mentor I get to attend with her.  I'm proud.  And very excited for the opportunity to go to D.C. to mentor some of the best and brightest high school girls looking at the possibility of a career in transportation.  It reignites my passion for what I do.  And my passion for the future.

I'm gonna need RTD to get it together and hire me for the equity position.  I'm ready for a change there.  If/when that happens, I will have pretty much upended put my life back together in some very different ways this year.  I'm proud of me for surviving that shake up.  And come back out the other side different in ways I needed to be and stronger in ways I needed to be.

And I'm incredibly thankful I found Sam on the other side of this.  I see a future with him.  I like his principles.  I like his life philosophies.  I like the way he inspires me to do and be better.  I like how easy it has been to trust him.  He has integrity.  I like that.

Still Doing Just Fine

Sam took time to surprise me with an edible arrangement at work on Friday. It makes me question if I deserve this kind of time and consideration.  He made sure there were not bananas.  Because he listens.  Do I deserve this?  Did Andrew convince me that I was undeserving of time and consideration?  I felt guilty receiving my sweet surprise.  This kind of thing doesn't happen for me, right?  Did somebody make a mistake?

He makes my heart dance.  I forgot I could feel like this.  He makes me feel like he wants to be in my life.  I forgot I deserved someone who was actually interested in me.  I'm being melodramatic.  But I felt pretty awful for far to long and I just can't believe this guy is real.  Still waiting on the other shoe to drop.  He farts, he snores, he leaves the toilet seat up, he's late, and he's damn near perfect.  I feel safe and comfortable in his cuddle.  I don't even hate sleep cuddles with him.  He feels like home.  And my god can that man satisfy naked.  Whew!  He made my toes tingle last night.  With my antidepressant my orgasms are dulled.  I'd never get dressed with him if they weren't dulled.  I'm feeling very lucky to have chemistry with him in so many ways and be so different in enough ways to be interesting to continuously learn about. 

Things are very good. 

For this moment, I am thankful

It is March.  Nearly April.  And as life does with time, I feel like my heart is no longer shattered and in a dust pan near the garbage.  I never felt hopeless.  I always knew I would see the other side of that experience.  And it seems like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and not be terrified that the light is another freight train ready to derail my entire life again. 

As I pack this house I poured my heart into for the life I thought I would have with the man I thought loved me and whom I thought I would spend my life with, it is with a heavy heart that I feel a sense of relief that I feel like my life is my own again.  It is mine to direct in the ways I want it to go.  And I want it to move into this beautiful Capitol Hill Apartment with a brand new living room that I curated with my own style and taste.  Where I will spend countless evenings in the arms of a man who takes my breath away.  My boyfriend.  I didn't think I would have this experience ever again and I was actually sad about that going into my marriage because it didn't feel like my marriage was going to make up for the loss of what it feels like to fall in love with a new person.  That should have been a sign that it wasn't right.

And I will travel to my friend's suburban homes in my Mini Cooper with my Basset Hound at my side.  Because this is a life I can envision for myself and it is one that doesn't make me uncomfortable but one that excites my spirit.  Sam excites my spirit.  He makes me want to be better and do better and like I can be my weird self.

On this perfect March evening as the sun sets and the dog sleeps beside me I am at peace.  And peace is not something that has come easily in the last few months.  For this moment, I am very thankful.  

While I have one

Sunday afternoon.  High and a little drunk.  Cleaning and laundering sheets.  And just.  ok. 

Donald Fucking Trump is president now.  It is devastating.  Yesterday women across the wold marched.  It was inspiring. 

My dad thinks I can be mayor.  I like when people believe in me.  My boss.  Well.  All my bosses seem to believe in me. 

And my other gummy half just kicked in.  I turned my breakfast into delicious tacos for lunch.  I am the greatest.  I think I'll do that again for dinner.

My divorce is in its final stages.  I can't believe this is where my life is.  I am in the middle of a divorce and I feel the best I have felt in over a year.  My life is starting to balance back into a bit of a routine which feels incredible.  I have to get through selling the house but given what I have already been through, I should be fine.

I reconnected with a guy I crushed hard on when I worked at Costco.  Turns out he liked me right back.  It took all of like half of one conversation for us to say that to each other.  And the time for him in my life could not be more perfect.  And he could not be more perfect for me.  And he is working so hard to make things with us slow, and perfect, and special.  I don't think I have ever experienced anything like it.  SO as badly as I would like to get this damn sexy man naked.  I'll let him curate this experience.  We'll call it NY resolution step one.  Patience and letting someone else be in control.  I could fall in love with this one.  He has staying power.  And he gives me all the good feels.  I like this.  He doesn't have to try hard to win me over.  But he is.  And it is winning me over double time and double hard.

He has a similar outlook on life and the future.  He will talk to me ineffectually without us parroting each other's opinions but in a way that challenges me to think critically about my own positions.  And he agrees to disagree.   And he goes along with my ideas of adventure days.  And he speaks Spanish.  And his arms... Oh my god. He is sweet and fucking sexy.  And it seems like he will match my physical energy well.  I can't name a single thing I dislike about this man.  I'm sure it will come soon enough so I will enjoy a perfect man while I have one.  

Self Worth and New Experience

Well... Daniel turned out to be a bit of a douche waffle with no follow through.  I kind of think he is still really into me but I'm not going to commit myself or my time to anyone who isn't obviously super into me.  Andrew made me feel like I was constantly begging to be wanted and loved and I will not be going down that road again.  Fuck that.

I have decided to sell and move back downtown.  I don't like living this far away from everything and this house was built for an entirely different life that I am no longer living.  It and everything in it that reminds me of the great disappointment that was my marriage must go.

2017 will be about taking on the life I have always wanted.  I will be getting an apartment either in the Highlands or Cap Hill, I will be traveling to places I have always wanted to see, going to see the shows even on school nights and enjoying the hell out of this opportunity I have to make my life my own again.  I don't want to disappear into another person ever again.  If I want to go do something I should go do it.

I went to a movie by myself tonight.  It was one of the most profoundly beautiful and poignant films I have ever seen and combined with the score that cut right through my heart the whole experience left me with an incredible sense of grief.  It was perfect. I tackled dining out alone the last time I was single, this time I will tackle movies, concerts, and travel alone.

I met a boy on OKC I kind really think might be a good match.  We haven't met in person yet but he seems incredibly promising.  My parents will hate his gauges ears but I don't care.  I think he is incredible and sweet and attentive and hopefully will continue to be excited to see me as this continues.  We might go to Jamaica next month if our chemistry is as strong in person.  I truly hope it is. 

Dating is tiresome.  It has only been a few months and I am over it.  If neither Darren nor Damon work out (apparently I've got a thing for two syllable D names all of a sudden?) I am going to just take care of me for a while.  I like my solitude and dating takes so much damn energy I could be devoting to more worthwhile and less stressful things.  The only problem I foresee with that is getting laid but I'm sure I can figure something out there too.  

How Did I Get Here?

My entire world has been turned upside down since the last time I wrote.  After reading my last post I have a renewed strength in believing that I made the right decision to leave.  I never imagined I would find myself here. 

My heart hurts.  It burns with hatred and resentment to the man who promised me he would grow with me and love me and failed me in ways I suppose I always knew he might. 

And my heart hurts because I found a man who matches me intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  And I have only spent really 2 weeks chatting on and off with him and a weekend wrapped in his perfect arms.  And I am crazy about him.  I had no intention of falling in love.  At least not before the ink on my divorce papers had dried.  And here I am falling hard and fast.  And it fucking terrifies me.  He terrifies me.  How would someone so perfect for me just fall out of nowhere and pick my smile out of the concert crowd and come talk to me and be so incredible?  That is not a thing that happens.  This is romantic comedy bullshit. 

And I keep waiting for him to not be as crazy about me as I am about him.  Because that is the history of me falling for boys.  And they certainly are never willing to talk to me about feelings.  He will talk to me about feelings without assuming I am trying to con him into marrying me which is never the intention of talking about feelings for me.  But if I'm going to invest my time and feelings in you I like to make sure I am not wasting my time or breaking my own heart and he meets me halfway there!  How is that even remotely possible?

I thought for sure this was Chris and I's time.  How could it not be?  I had pined for Chris through nearly my entire relationship with Andrew.  And we reconnected and were having a blast.  But his life is a disaster beyond disaster.  And while I love him as a friend, I can't let my heart fall for a man who is very likely addicted to cocaine.  There are too many red flags with that boy. 

But I don't regret any of it! How could I?  My marriage led me back to Chris which led me to that concert which led me to meeting the man of my dreams.  I.  Am.  Smitten. 

He has the power to break my heart and it scares me to trust him not to.  I keep trying to convince myself all the reasons why he couldn't possibly like me the way he says he does.  So for now I am working on just enjoying this moment of bliss with him.  And like with anyone, he could absolutely break my heart.  But I could break his just as easily.  For now I will just be in this unbelievable moment with this incredible man.