What Is It About 20-Somethings?

My Meaningful Life Project just took an unexpected twist for me. It is now my goal to learn to live wholly and completely by myself. I literally have been single a total of about 1 year out of the last 11 in my life. I always find myself in a serious relationship and I don't think this is bad per se but really, I examined this in myself last night, I don't really know the first thing about only making me happy. I have no idea of where to begin in picking up the pieces of my life. I think I will start by finding a way to volunteer in my community. Everything is pointing to transformations. Today, I have taken the opportunity to hide from the world, to bury myself in my cave. I really haven't made any contact with the outside world today and to be quite honest, this day has been really refreshing and exactly what I needed. I think I'm ready to greet another day and better yet, I'm ready to be alone tonight.

I will be okay.

Drunk Dial Mayhem Part Deux

After making an attempt to get rid of all numbers I could possibly want to drunk dial, I still managed to sneak away, put the number back in my phone and drunk dial. This has been a super crazy, intense, random weekend. I'm definitely ready to take it easy for the rest of the weekend. Still pretty bummed about losing the man of my dreams but I feel like I'm making progress in getting over it.

Drunk dial mayhem

I definitely should have my phone taken away from me when I've been drinking. I am way too liberal with whom I decide is appropriate to call and or text. And Brad is just not into me and I think I'm finally okay with that. However; I'm feeling petty confident that I am going to be pretty alone for awhile. That's okay, it's probably what is best for me right now. Bring on the day! Let's see what is in store four me.

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All's True That I've Supplied

Wouldn't it be nice if I had some solid guidance in my life. I wish I had some indication that the way I am proceeding is the best way. I think this is the psychological state that I tap into when I subscribe to reading my horoscopes and tarot cards. In reality, I know this stuff is ridiculous but I want so badly to have some meaning in my life and some guidance that Im searching for answers anywhere and everywhere. On that note, I just had a really good tarot reading. It told me that I am on the precipice of a huge change in my life involving harmony and new relationships that past indulgences are catching up to me financially that I am going to have a life changing event in my life soon and to just go with the flow. Now all of this is really quite general but it makes me feel better to feel as though my life has a direction and to keep moving with the flow. It confirms all that I really know about my life but hearing it from "someone else" just makes it feel like a better idea.

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Anything Goes

Here is my promise to myself. I will not settle for anyone who does not wholly and completely want me and I will not yearn for things I can not have. I will always keep moving forward, opening new doors and experiencing new things, new people, and new places. I will find a reason every single day to smile, even if it is to laugh at the circumstances I find myself in. Life is far too short to mourn over people who don't understand how amazing I am and that goes for myself as well. I will never lose myself in a man again, I am precious and to lose who I am again would be a travesty. I deserve only the best and I am the only person who can determine what is best for me.

Cheers!

Irritated

I'm writing off finding love anytime soon. I thought for sure that this guy was perfect for me and in so many ways he was but I just can't allow myself to fall in love with someone who doesn't respect me enough to not make plans and blow me off three times in a row. I deserve so much better than that. I can't say I'm not disappointed with the way things turned out but I will move on I always do.

If you are wrong in all the right ways

I Dreamed That We Were Flying A Thousand Miles An Hour

Today has been exactly what it needs to be. It is so grounding to just allow myself to finally break down and just cry and release all of the negative emotion that is pent up. I should have allowed myself to freely cry earlier but I don't know when I would have had the time or opportunity. My shoulders feel less tense, my anxiety seems to have mostly disappeared, and I feel calm again.

On Balance and Clarity

I have no intention of leaving here today. I'm going to park my ass on the couch and watch movies and grub all day long. And now that my hair and makeup are done and my nails are painted, I'm going to look amazing while I do it. All of it is for me. This is MY mental health day and I am taking full on advantage of it. I will watch cheesy chick flicks and eat chili fries and just be. I am going to allow myself to feel whatever emotions come my way and I'm not going to allow myself to stress about anything. I really wish there was a beach I could escape to here. At least I'm only a few blocks from the river. At least I'm still close to water of some kind. I need to find my inner peace again. And while I take a moment to just breathe today, I think I will come that much closer to finding myself, my clarity, my balance and my focus again.

I will be okay.

For the World

If He Let Me Down

Of Monsters and Men

This morning was extraordinarily stressful for me. But I will be okay. I always am. Something will come through and I will be good again. I'm not going to stress about it, it could have been so much worse and it's all taken care of now. And I'm almost done with Andrew's bull shit and that is a happy moment for me. A year ago, I wasn't sure I would be able to break away from that and look at the strides I have taken in my life since. I will always keep moving forward because I am a survivor. I am a beautiful, amazing, resourceful, interesting, quirky, strong, independent, survivor of a young woman. I have faith that tomorrow will always bring a new opportunity to do something wonderful and today I plan to take my camera out.

I can't take my eyes off of you

Waiting for UPS is irritating.

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Blah

I have got to stop drinking. I'm tired and a little hung over. I might get rid of netflix and do hulu plus. 7 more days until Vacation and only two weeks until pedicures.

How I feel right now

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And They Stay There

This will be my year. I just took a moment to find festivals throughout the year that I am going to request time off for. I don't really plan on flying anywhere this year. But I will find fun near me. I need to get a bus pass so I can just head downtown or wherever when I'm off. I'm so excited for mom and my day together. Pedicures, botanic gardens, piano bar. It will be such a good day. I should really be getting ready for work but I don't want to go at all so I'm procrastinating. At least I'm not on the front end today. That makes me happy.

We'll Pretend Feeling Rage is Feeling Real

All sorts of irritated is how I feel right now. I often wonder if you read this. Or for that matter, if anyone I actually know reads this. Or is this just the meanderings I share with the random people from the US, Denmark, and Malaysia? But I really am questioning my taste in men these days. I just spent four years in a relationship with a man who never once showed any interest in anything that was me. He broke me down and built me back up into this zombie who questioned who I am and what I want from my life. And I almost married this creep! What's wrong with me? I literally spent a year telling him I hated him. That was a year of my life I spent with you still, even though I hated you and I hated who I was becoming. I always used to tell him that the absolute happiest moment of my life was my hour of TAL. And it was the absolute truth. It was the only beauty I still found in the world. When I am in a position where I can no longer create, things are pretty dire for me emotionally. Hindsight is 20-20. But back to you. I care about you a lot. I want to be a part of your life and I want you to be a part of my life. But I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and I know you do to and if you are anything like me you are having this same internal tug of war over me and I like what we are doing so much I don't want to ruin it for something I don't even know if I want. This is why I have not had the "where are we going with this" conversation. I read on a website last night that four months was the absolute longest you should wait before having the conversation. I might go ahead heed that credence. What the hell do I want? I want the opportunity to be single for a while and try to undo some Andrew's damage but I don't want to lose the opportunity to love you.

It would be really nice if I could stop being sick for a while. My chest is congested, my nose is stuffy and sneezy, my head hurts, my back hurts, and I'm a little bit grumpy. I need to get FMLA paperwork so I don't have to worry about going to work sick. What am I going to do with my life?

I'm 30 lbs lighter than I was 4 months ago. I feel like this is literal and figuartive. My goal is to be where I was in high school in two months. Thats just 20 more lbs. I can do it.

On The Little Things

Today I drove through rush hour traffic as the sun came up on the mountains and I thought to myself, "this is what it is all about." This, the little, nondescript, everyday mundane things like the beauty that is the sun rising and setting over the mountains makes me thankful for my life. I'm happy to be here today. Today, I get the opportunity to spend what could be my grandmother's last birthday with her. This is what moving back here was all about. Opportunities like this one. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for my friends who go shopping with me, make steak, get me high as a kite, and then laugh for hours. Life is about taking advantage of the little things. In the long run, my appreciation of small details will determine my quality of life. And if I have to be here, I want my life to have a quality and a meaning.

George Carlin "Life is worth losing" opening

George Carlin “Life is worth Losing”
Opening
I’m a modern man.
A man for the millennium.
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist.
Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been up-linked and downloaded; I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside upgrading.
I’m a high tech low life
A cutting edge, state of the art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I’m new wave, but I'm old school. And my inner child is outward bound.
I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer.
Voice-activated and biodegradable, I interface from a database, and my database is in cyberspace.
So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time, I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, and pushing the envelope.
I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs.
I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar.
A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary.
A streetwise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up, and you can’t dumb me down.
Because I’m tireless and I’m wireless.
I’m an Alpha male on beta blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an overachiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.
Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance.
Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven-ready and built to last.
I’m a hands on footloose, knee-jerk head case.
Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver.
My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like rough sex, I like tough love.
I use the F work in my email, and the software in my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini mall; I bought a mini van at a megastore.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude but I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow.
I ride the tide, I got glide in my stride.
Driving and moving.
Sailing and spinning.
Jiving and grooving.
Wailing and winning.
I don’t snooze, so I don’t loose.
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty.
And lunchtime is crunch time.
I’m hanging in
There ain’t no doubt.
And I’m hanging tough.
Over and out!

All Things Know

I'm feeling so much better today. And it's my Friday. Feeling good about life again today as well. Things will work out okay for me.

On health

It would be really nice if I could stop being sick for a while. My chest is congested, my nose is stuffy and sneezy, my head hurts, my back hurts, and I'm a little bit grumpy. I need to get FMLA paperwork so I don't have to worry about going to work sick. What am I going to do with my life? I feel like ass. I do not want to go to work but I can't not go. Oh well...

On Snow

It's snowing again. All I want to do is cuddle up to somebody warm and drink hot cocoa today. Instead, I have to go to hell where the people are awful and the work is physically demanding. I'm ready for my brother to not be staying with me anymore. The smell of boy is permeating my apartment. I'm ready to not be sick anymore. I have so much to work out in my life and I feel like I'm losing time to do it. Some of it I am wasting, for sure, but really, if time could just slow down so I could work out the details of my life.

In Celebration of Who I Am and Who I Will Become

I made it through the night with out feeling like a psychopath. I did not spend the entire night wondering if you were fucking someone else. I'm ready to give you my heart and I'm okay if you do not feel the same way. I'm okay. I feel good enough in my own skin to handle that rejection. I feel strong and confident. I am okay with who I am and I am working to better myself, mentally, physically, spiritually and in any other way possible because as great as I am now, I know that I have a greater capacity for growth as a person. I am an amazing creature, an incredible machine. Today was an opportunity to learn and tomorrow is a journey I am excited to begin.

Three cheers for a brighter future!!!

Trust is breakable

Learning to trust takes a lot of work. It feels like I'm breaking down my very core, I feel vulnerable, and weak and like I'm setting myself up to get hurt. I feel naked and exposed.

On Damaged Merchandise

I desire a man who upon given the choice between a brand new and shiny piece of art or a damaged in all the right places so that it has developed it's own unique character piece of art he will always choose character over perfection. In my flaws, you will find my ultimate beauty. It is in these flaws that you will find that character of a survivor. I have survived all of the damages in my life and I am still a relatively well adjusted, semi-successful, still dreaming, strong, independent young woman. I still have time to, and will do great things with my life. I should not discount the great things I have already done in my life, the people I have touched, the good I have given to the world. Patience with myself is a virtue I would be well suited to develop. Rome wasn't built in a day and my legacy will not be just the result of my twenties. A legacy is the product of a lifetime. And before I have anything more to give to the world, I must find a way to fulfill my soul again. My soul has been drained of my giving nature, making it nearly impossible for me to exhibit empathy. But this person is not who I am. This person is recovering from love unrequited. I gave him everything I had, he drained me of all I can give. Now is the moment I rebuild this by learning to love myself again. And by learning to trust other people to love me. I will be more than okay.

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Interrogation Query

What is this?
Why is this?
How is this?
Who is this?
When is this?
Where is this?

What are you?
Why are you?
How are you?
Who are you?
When are you?
Where are you?

What am I?
Why am I?
How am I?
Who am I?
When am I?
Where am I?

What are we?
Why are we?
How are we?
Who are we?
When are we?
Where are we?

What is life?
Why is life?
How is life?
Who is life?
When is life?
Where is life?

What do I do?
Why do I do?
How do I do?
Who do I do?
When do I do?
Where do I do?

What are we?
Why are you?
How do I do?
Who am I?
When is this?
Where is life?

Stereo Love

I don't understand why I'm hurting so badly right now. I'm so jaded by men right now. I fucking hate you. I can't believe what I put up with you. And here I am fucking around with the picture of irresponsibility. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I a glutton for punishment? Why do I search out these men who make me hate so much about myself? I'm so angry right now. I don't even know if I'm angry with me or you or him or the other him or could it be that other him. I can't even hold it together right now. What the fuck life? When do I get a break? And as far as me in a relationship goes. I don't think that's a good idea right now, for for that matter, for a long time. Do I really need to commit to another asshole? All men are assholes, I guess it's good that he is openly honest about being an asshole. I'm really bitter right now. I'm bitter because I am damaged merchandise now. I have been raped by a man, I have been hit by a man, I have been cheated on by a man, I have developed eating disorders, depressions, low self-esteems, gained weight, and felt like a crazy bitch because of men. Where do I begin and what they created end? How do I begin to feel good about myself consistently again? How do I not lose myself in the identity what these men have done to me has created? How do I believe that I am not just the circumstances of my life but how I move on from them? FML

This Year

I've got a year to get it together. I have a year to stop doubting my ability to make a decision. It's time to buckle down and do something with my life. I'm so tired of thinking about what I want to do. It's time to actually take some of those dreams and give them a shot. I can't really imagine my future. How does a person form goals around a future they have a hard time picturing? Where do I even look for career opportunities? I need to just take a deep breath, stop thinking about it and let God show me what my path should be. I need to stop looking so hard. Maybe what happens in my love life can happen in the rest of my life as well. When I'm not looking for it, the best opportunities always show up. Many people who do great things in life were not afforded the opportunity to do so until into their thirties. Most people would never do their twenties again and quite frankly I don't blame them. Your twenties seem to be nothing more than 10 years of uncertainty and being broke. I came up with a certainty recently. I do want to get married. And I think I would like to have a child. This one boggles me. I hate children. I also revised this thought as well. I hate other people's children. But I want the opportunity to pass on all the awesomeness that my family gave to me.

What I want to do this year:
Go Ice Skating
Attend a poetry reading
Lose 20 more pounds
Run 5 miles
Take my bike more places
Get my camera out at least once a month
Spend at least one day a week outside
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
volunteer
Learn to make a food once a month
Expand my wardrobe/find an awesome little black dress
Write every single day
Stick to my budget
Learn to unconditionally love myself
Get a pedicure
See a play
go to the art museum
Give money to TAL

Swimming with Fire

Doubts flood my mind
allowing me to question
what feels right
Am I ready?
Can I trust?
What is ready?
What is trust?
I am not the best
person I believe I can be
What is the best?
What can I be?
How do I heal the burns
of the fires from my past
Tearing off the bandaid
Allowing my wounds to breathe
Do you see my scars?
Do you understand my apprehension to go near the flame?
This is my moment
I feel so alive
The light fills me with warmth
Soothing my wounds
I test the waters
Still afraid I might drown if I get too close
There is no try
When it comes to trust
There is only do
Can I take that step?
Can I trust you?