All sorts of irritated is how I feel right now. I often wonder if you read this. Or for that matter, if anyone I actually know reads this. Or is this just the meanderings I share with the random people from the US, Denmark, and Malaysia? But I really am questioning my taste in men these days. I just spent four years in a relationship with a man who never once showed any interest in anything that was me. He broke me down and built me back up into this zombie who questioned who I am and what I want from my life. And I almost married this creep! What's wrong with me? I literally spent a year telling him I hated him. That was a year of my life I spent with you still, even though I hated you and I hated who I was becoming. I always used to tell him that the absolute happiest moment of my life was my hour of TAL. And it was the absolute truth. It was the only beauty I still found in the world. When I am in a position where I can no longer create, things are pretty dire for me emotionally. Hindsight is 20-20. But back to you. I care about you a lot. I want to be a part of your life and I want you to be a part of my life. But I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and I know you do to and if you are anything like me you are having this same internal tug of war over me and I like what we are doing so much I don't want to ruin it for something I don't even know if I want. This is why I have not had the "where are we going with this" conversation. I read on a website last night that four months was the absolute longest you should wait before having the conversation. I might go ahead heed that credence. What the hell do I want? I want the opportunity to be single for a while and try to undo some Andrew's damage but I don't want to lose the opportunity to love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment