Futures

I am coming up on my 29th birthday, the start of a new job, and a wedding.  This is a lot of things to be coming up on all at once.  I would say it would be great if things could go ahead and slow down for me but I know that as soon as things do slow down, it will mean I am settled and I get easily bored when I feel settled.

There is some indication among experts that there will be another world war in the near future.  This prospect frightens me.  Also, I feel like a little sacrifice among the American public would be good for us.

My bachelorette party is on Saturday.  Holy hell.  It should be fun.

I have a somewhat high-profile, and SUPER interesting job!!!!!!!  And I am experiencing some serious impostor-syndrome.  However, it occurred to me yesterday that I have a considerable amount to be thankful for at this time.  Not so long ago, I would never have been considered for this job as a woman.  Not too much before that time, it would have been expected that I drop out of the workforce when I married.  Not too much before that, it would not have been legal for me to have stayed in the workplace.  This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all the feminists before me who made my life as it is a possibility.

For someone's summer kind of sickness

There is nothing more for me to do.  I gave it my all, my very best, my entire self. If my every effort was not adequate then this was not where I was meant to land and I will land someplace better.  If they don't hire me, I can smoke a bowl a little sooner (anxiety has been CONSUMING me for too long).  If they do hire me, I will have a $20,000 annual salary raise.  Either way, I will be OK. 

The paths I could have chosen are innumerable and yet there are times I lay awake exploring the possibilities of choices not made.  Is this normal?  Does it matter?  The point is that I did make choices and I am in a relatively good place.  The possibilities of the unknown leave me nostalgic for things, places, people that might have been.  But maybe it's the changing of the season, metaphorically and physically.   I did make the choice to get married in a few months. 

Some people say that if you have any doubts about getting married you are making the wrong choice.  I think these people are delirious.  If you have no doubts after a collective 7-8 years together, knowing all the bullshit that comes with this person, and you still don't have doubts, you are an ignorant and possibly very dumb person. The point is, with doubts and bullshit and all, I am still making the choice because it is the best decision.  Like I have previously mentioned, I don't believe in "the one" or "soul-mates".  My life is not a romantic comedy nor do I want it to be.  And interpersonal romantic relationships come with doubts and trials.  They also come with laughs and hope.  And that, folks, is life.  Life for a cynic anyway. 

And here is this because I still love it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzQls6sZ6ws

Waiting with Grace and Genuine Impatience

Life is waiting, queuing, patiently keeping anxiety at bay while the moments we anticipate sit just beyond.  Just out of reach. 

Waiting is not something I have ever handled with any true amount of grace.  It makes me feel crazy and out of control. 

Currently I am waiting for the recruiter to call me and set up my interview.  I am waiting for a job offer I truly hope I get.  I am waiting for the increase in salary that will come with changing jobs, I am waiting for Andrew to get his business out of the confines of his happy little imagination where I fear he will let it live indefinitely.  I am waiting to be done living in apartments, I am waiting for the moment we can get a dog. 

But dwelling on all of this waiting is a waste of the moment I currently find myself in and that has been the real tragedy of my life.  This is the real tragedy of my chronic and overwhelming anxiety. 

It has been an ongoing New Year's Resolution to get better at waiting and to learn to appreciate right now.  I am better than I used to be but not where I wish I was.  I am a work in progress. 

For now I will incentivize the wait by re-watching a movie I love and drinking a gin and tonic or two.  It helps that I am not in any hurry to go camping this weekend...

A Few Fleeting Seconds

My whole life, I have been extremely sensitive to the weather changes in the summer to autumn transition.  I can smell it, the air just feels different, I feel different.  I feel nostalgic in a way, every autumn. 

It has been heightened in the years since I began commuting on foot.  Moving at the speed of pedestrian, I notice things like the yellowing of the edges of the leaves in late August and the slight temperature differentials moving between seasons.  But my favorite thing is the smell.  It soothes my soul to smell the transitioning season.

It occurred to me yesterday that I am about to enter the final year of my 20s.

All things are temporary.  This has become my mantra.  When I am happy I remember all things are temporary and make every attempt to live within and appreciate the moment of happiness.  When things are stressful, remembering that all things are temporary helps me manage the anxiety of living within a stressful situation.  Temporary may mean a very long time and it may mean a few fleeting seconds but temporary never means forever.

I will be okay.

A Very Good Weekend, Indeed.

This was a really excellent weekend.  It was exactly what I needed.  Friday night we had dinner with a friend I met during a class project and her husband.  They are amazing humans and I would very much like for us all to be friends.  Also, I like having a friend whose eyes don't glaze over when we talk about transportation. 

After dinner Andrew headed up to Leadville to climb a mountain so I had the bed to myself. 

Saturday morning started with breakfast and coffee before I headed off to the grocery store.  I walked which I haven't done in a long time and proceeded to stock up on canned pantry supplies so the walk home was not that great but I do enjoy grocery walks overall. 

After groceries I had a seriously productive day of cleaning ALL the things.  It was glorious.  I am even going to bed knowing the dishes are done, I have breakfast and lunch for the week, and clean clothes to wear.

The RTD position has been posted.  My resume is prepped and ready, it is simply awaiting proofreading by my WTS mentor.  I would really LOVE it if they could go ahead and hire me.  I can't imagine he will get too many applicants given the specialized nature of the position but who knows...

Wedding things are really starting to roll.  My bridal shower is next week and planning for my bachelorette  is rolling.  I am so relieved the two friends who never met prior to getting together for this get along so well. 

This afternoon we took a drive to the neighborhoods we have been eying for our home purchase.  It helped us rule out some areas and I think we are not interested condos, only townhouses with no upstairs or downstairs neighbors and little patio and yard areas.  One was open for an open house.  It was SUPER cheap but needed quite a bit of work. 

My parents were on their way home from the springs today and stopped to treat us to breakfast at Sassafras.  It was a really nice time.

And finally, our old couch is gone!  This means I don't have to pay someone to take it.  Hurray! 

Summer Nights

We have decided to buy a condo or town home.  Hopefully a town home in Lakewood near Belmar with at least 2 bedrooms, a small patio or yard, a garage, near transit and open space and things to do.  For less than $225,000.  I actually think this is a thing that is not impossible.  So commences operation get really serious about paying off debt and saving money really quickly.  Thankfully my budget hasn't really ballooned at all since I started getting paid real money.

My rant for the day: If I ask a PM for feedback on work I am doing for their project and they continually brush me off and offer little assistance, it really pisses me off when they come back at the end of the project having completely torn my work apart without giving me the resources or the time to fix it like I had been asking as I went along.  So I wouldn't end up in this exact position.  Fuck working with engineers who can't quite figure out how to give me feedback or give me work or even communicate with me.  I had to take a walk to cool off after the above referenced incident and ended up hitting up Starbucks.

I finally got back on the bike for a short, brisk ride around Sloan's Lake.  It was a perfect summer evening neighborhood ride.  I really am going to miss this neighborhood when we leave.

The RTD position is suppose to open on Friday.  Here's hoping it actually does. 

I am seriously all over the place

My job bores me.  Maybe this is a by-product of being the new guy?  It feels like I have been set up to fail my billable hours goal.  I don't think anyone intentionally made this happen but everything just feels...wrong.  So if RTD declines to hire me, I think I will be seeking another job in the next year.  Highway engineering truly isn't for me. 

We are headed to Ikea to pick up the rest of the stuff for our living room- a few pieces to complete the tv stand and some pieces to add to the liquor shelf that will help with dust collection.  We are planning to stop by an open house on the way home.  I think we both really like the area of South Broadway in Englewood.  The house we are stopping by is perfect and in that neighborhood.  We are in no way prepared to buy right now but it would be fun to pretend.  Everyone I know is moving northwest of the city.  Of course I would be looking to move southwest. 

I have come around to really wanting this new position so it is fairly likely I won't be hired.

Too many peanut butter cups made my stomach a little upset.

Grad School registration happened today.  Because I am super excited to finish Grad School, I am super eager to start Grad School.  This shit is going to be expensive... Let's hope the cost-benefit outcome works out in my favor.

It turns out that when I am not being challenged in a responsibility, it is hugely challenging for me to stay engaged with it. 

The strangest thing happened as Andrew and I were looking at a house.  We were scrolling through pictures and I saw the nursery and proclaimed "it even has a nursery all ready to go."  Andrew and I both nearly shit when I said that.

A not-so-close friend posted on Facebook about how she and her husband could not wait for him to graduate so they could move because they couldn't handle the racist pigs in Colorado.  While they tend to be a bit over-dramatic, I wonder what happened to make them feel that way.

The shootings in Lafayette during Trainwreck really felt emotionally heavy.  If any demographic deserves to be racially profiled, it is white men.  

Cool Summer Gratitude

The last week has been horrible for my anxiety.  I am having quite a bit of internal conflict over some work things.  Last night I cleaned up the apartment, started a new book, ate a delicious and comforting dinner, and took a hot, relaxing bath.  Finally I was able to give myself a pep talk.  If I am going to survive this temporary situation I have to adjust my attitude and find a way to make it interesting.  Otherwise I will not be my best, confident self when it comes to interviewing for the new position.  If I allow my confidence to collapse before then, I will fail. 

I start grad school within the next month or so.  I think it will be fine.  I'm thankful I was able to take grad level classes as an undergrad because I feel more prepared for what to expect.  Also, understanding that I am finally passing up the education levels of those I envied for finishing their Bachelor's before I did makes me feel pretty stellar.  Though I should be more hesitant to compare myself and my situation to anyone else.  

Watching HGTV makes me want a place of our own.  But I am thankful we will be able to stay here with our reasonable rent for the next year or two.  I think that is the wisest financial decision we can make.  I spoke with Andrew about him needed to get his racing kicks in soon because once we have a kid, we aren't sharing that car, we are getting something more family friendly.  Honestly, if he is set on that being a Forester, than it will be a Forester.  We also talked about being in a position to start a family in the next 3 or so years.  Cheap rent while we prepare for those things is optimal. 

Thank goodness it has been a cool summer.  Cool summers are the best kind of summers. 

7/21

Yesterday Andrew and I had a knock-down, drag-out, started in public argument.  The details don't matter, we worked it out.  In the end he finally told me why he wanted to marry me.  And I feel considerably better about getting married. 

Our apartment situation has been resolved, also.  We will be staying here for the next year or two and our rent will not increase too much. 

I'm seriously biding my time until the new position opens.  It seems like I am being assigned serious busy work and no one seems to have any idea of what to do with me.  It is frustrating. 

Ahhh! The Anxiety Monster!

I am completely paralyzed with anxiety!  It is affecting my ability to put together my resume to prepare for this job application opening this week, my appetite, my attitude, and how I am reacting and responding to my fiance.  I don't want to go to my job tomorrow but I will likely be more anxious if I work from home.  So alas, I will just keep on and carry on. 

All of this work and possibility of moving is making me feel unsettled, anxious, and uncomfortable.  I need to find a way to calm down, refocus, and more forward.  My neck is tense and the movie Inside Out made me ball my eyes out and feel melancholic.  Fuck this noise.

I have a few thoughts on all of this: 1. Let's hope I'm not pregnant. 2. Tonight needs to be the last night I don't turn my anxious energy into something productive.  3. Maybe I'll lose some weight with my change in appetite?

One great thing today was my walk with my friend Rachael.  I met her through school and it turns out her husband and my soon to be husband have a lot in common also, so we have resolved for the four of us to get together.  It would be great to have a good couple friend. 

The Gentrified Urban Planner

Trainwreck was everything I was hoping for.  Amy Schumer is my comedic hero.  It is truly incredible how much I identify with her and some of the characters she writes.  As an old person, I will never be devoid of stories from my youth to revel in, that's for sure...

Andrew is coming home tomorrow.  I am excited to see him.  He annoyed me with his phone skills earlier today.  It was frustrating considering how much I was finding myself liking him since he's been gone. 

I found a black, white, and hot pink striped dress that I desperately want.  It reminds me of a Kate Spade look for considerably less than an actual Kate Spade look.

...And I paused for a minute to go complete the purchase of the above mentioned dress...I hope it fits!  I love it SOOOOO much!!!

Continuing-

I don't think I truly understood at what level I actually enjoy quiet solitude in my home.  When no one is picking at me or saying things that upset me or just not noticing that I put a lot of effort into my look but instead noticing that one or two cat hairs from the fucking cats that I did not bring into this marriage are on me in a place I never would have seen... But I diverge.  Moments like these are worth their weight in gold for my psyche.  I am sitting, legs spread, computer in front, drinking red wine, writing, and listening to Thelonious Monk, in bed.  This moment was brought to me by a warm summer night and a fiance on a motorcycle adventure.  This moment was also brought to me by having grown up a lot in how I view being separated from my partner.  Younger me would be devastated by the past few weeks.  I like older me better than younger me.  I am super happy to be who I am today and that is saying a lot for me. 

We have a new landlord.  I'm pretty sure this landlord usually does not renew leases on recently acquired properties.  At least that's the gist I have gotten when they have acquired other properties and done renovations sans tenants.  I was completely prepared to sign another 2 year lease here and I'm pretty sure our plans will have to change.  I wouldn't mind trying a new neighborhood on for size but it would be sad to leave the one I that rescued me and made me a whole and unbroken human again.  This place feels like home.  I guess this is what gentrification feels like...

Discovering My Future

I think self-reflection at the end of the day will be something I focus more closely on.  Sometimes I just need to decompress.

Work for example.  I am in charge of navigating the creation of my position and the direction it will go and I have no idea how to approach this and consequently I feel a little lost and intimidated.  Add to this the fact that I will be starting classes again and I don't feel like it was fair that I had to ask them this and they never really communicated this to me when they hired me.  I guess you could say I'm feeling a little jaded.  It is possible that at a maturity and knowledge level, I am just not prepared to take on the responsibility that comes with defining my own job title.  I desire the opportunity to learn from someone with more experience. 

Which leads me to the possibility of a new work opportunity.  I have been asked to apply for a position with my former boss that will give me a $20,000 wage increase should I be offered the position.  And there is no way in hell I would not accept the offer if it came.  It would also come with education reimbursement, a bus pass for me and Andrew, a guaranteed work load, and work that I am more familiar with and truly enjoy doing.  The bad news is, if I didn't get the position, I would need to find a way to continue a professional relationship with my mentor if he doesn't hire me.  If he does hire me, I will have to tell my current employer who gave me a huge chance and opportunity that I will not be working for the anymore.  But damn, $67,000 a year at this stage in my career would be fucking phenomenal.  I feel very honored to have even been asked to apply.  It seems like I have felt honored and humble quite a bit this summer.  I think this means I have found my calling. 

After a night of sleep, I feel better about marriage and stuff.   Andrew really is the right guy for me in so many ways.  He really has opened up entire new worlds to me. 

To be honest, I am thankful for every romantic interaction I have had with every man I have interacted with for the same reasons.  Had I stayed in the relationship with my high school sweetheart, the one whose friendship loss kills me, I would not be who I am today.  Maybe this is why I desire friendships with these people.  I wish Andrew didn't feel so threatened by friendships with men I used to love.  But I do understand. 

Late Night Ponderings

I am wondering if there ever comes a point where everything is just good all at the same time.  A few years back, I was living a very fun and adventure filled life, I was happy with my weight and my body, but I had no money, no solid relationship, and was very lost.  Now, I'm in a satisfactory (albeit far from perfect) relationship, I'm getting married, I won a very prestigious scholarship, I have graduated, I have a decently paying job and all in all things are good.  However, I looked at a photo of me in my wedding dress and all I could think was "wow, look at that whale." I don't see that when I just look in the mirror.  Why do I see that as I study a photo of myself- a photo I should be damn excited for.  I am wearing a gorgeous dress that I will wear to commit myself to another human for as long as we can make this shit work (presumably a lifetime). 

Instinctively I know that if I fail to love and respect myself at whatever size I happen to be rocking this fine day, what reason do other people have to love and respect me?  But the voice of my family and people from my past reminding me how much of my self worth and their love is wrapped up in me being a smaller woman.  I have internalized this and it creates one hell of a personal conflict between strong, smart, capable, confident me, and the girl who was constantly reminded of how hot she would be if she were skinny.  The girl whose family was most proud when she came home having lost a few pounds.  It's pretty fucked up. 

And why can't I just be content?  It makes me uncomfortable to feel content.  I spent a good week feeling completely in love with my fiance (who happens to be out of town at the moment which I'm sure plays no small role in my increased affection) and happy with my job and my apartment and my life.  But give me nothing but wine for dinner and a full day of anxiety like I haven't felt since I moved back here from Washington and you bet your bottom dollar I will find a way to question every single decision I have ever made, including matrimony.  I mean, the man can't even tell me why he wants to marry me which is probably more of a personality flaw and less him not having actual reasons he wants to marry me but it bothers me none the less. 

People who believe in "the one" are fooling themselves.  Maybe I have just been lucky enough to love deeply and profoundly with more than "the one."  To know that I must give up that deep and profound love for anyone other than Andrew is something I haven't completely found comfort in, yet.  Have I felt all the emotions I will ever feel?  Am I done feeling new emotions?  I am happy to know the thrill of a first kiss and excitement of falling in love and the satisfaction of sleeping with someone new and sad to know I probably should avoid feeling those things ever again in this lifetime.  It is like I am literally signing away the thrill of youth when I legally marry.

And this isn't to say I am considering not going through with this.  I think it's completely natural to feel this way at this stage.  Fuck if I will talk to anyone, though.  Lord knows someone would say some stupid shit like "If you're not completely sure, your marriage is doomed to fail" because some Dr. Phil-like hack went on Oprah that one time they watched and said some stupid and short-sighted shit like that.  Good lord, can we just talk about our concerns and fears like grown-ups who understand that human emotion is complicated?

And who can I talk to about these things?  No one tells you that the deep and profound love you haven't let go of doesn't magically disappear when you agree to be someone's wife.  No one tells you how to navigate the difficult parts of staying monogamous, only that you MUST, at all costs keep that shit in your pants.  I don't think I am built for contentedness.  Luckily I have a career in which a desire to do and be more can be fulfilled.  But I have committed myself to one man, in one city, having a certain life and there is small part of me who wonders if that isn't a mistake.  It is overshadowed by a large part of me who loves my city and the man who moved here to share a life with me.  So I suppose time marches on and I was always good at staying in step with the band. 

I suppose everything is okay, I just don't function without the smallest proportion of uncertainty and contentedness.  It is a personality flaw I will live with. 

Musings on Luck and Love

For the first time in a very long time, I am having a somewhat late evening.  Tonight I am celebrating the occasion of my college graduation.  Andrew isn't feeling well so I spent the evening doing things I wanted to do.  I smoked a little pot, drank some sparkling wine, watched a somewhat girly movie and picked out new wardrobe pieces on Pinterest.  It was perfect.

For the first time, maybe ever, I am so perfectly content with my life exactly as it is.  Sure, I am not as thin as I was at one time and maybe never will be, my relationship isn't perfect and probably never will be, I don't own my home and won't for some time, I don't perfectly understand everything I am doing in my job, my nails chip the second they get any length, I am anxious more often than I would like to be, and things are disorganized in my apartment.  But I have more strength and perseverance than I have ever had and am in the best shape of my life.  We have room to grow and learn and improve our relationship, home ownership is not always a good investment and I am smart enough to understand that. I have disposable income to have manicures more often. Someone believed in me enough to pay me through a learning curve. And things will never be organized to the extent I want them to be.  For right now, I am just content.

And why should we strive to always be more than content?  Everything doesn't always have to be the best for life to be meaningful. Sometimes the best is simply good enough.

Recently, I had the opportunity to have lunch with an ex-boyfriend who shared an epic love story with me for a time.  Normally, I might have made sure I looked my very best, been careful about what I shared, made sure every aspect of my life looked like I had my shit 100% together and done everything in my power to make sure he regretted the end of our relationship.  It is a true testament to having grown as a human that I gave exactly 0 fucks about my appearance and had no desire to impress him.  I still cherish our time together, the ways he influenced my life, and that I can consider him an acquaintance and friend,  but I am finally completely convinced we would never have been right for each other.  I am a stronger person because that relationship did not last.  I like me better this way.

In my "Choose Your Own Adventure" storybook, I am on the precipice of a change in narrative.  It is always such an interesting feeling when you know a transition is in the works.  I hope to remember enough about my romantic escapades and 20-Something adventures as I age into new life cycles to know my 20s were never dull, enough memories of adventure and escapades to grow old with no regrets.

There are moments in my current (and hopefully last?) relationship when I imagine happier times with men whom I have shared intimate times with who aren't my fiance.  It is so easy to slip into a "what if" scenario with someone who isn't in my present.  Especially when I never experienced or needed to deal with the scenarios that Andrew and I struggle with.  It was especially bad a few months back.  Finally I broke down and spoke with three separate, close girlfriends who confessed to similar feelings in their own relationships.  Why had I kept this torture to myself for so long!?!  It is so easy to imagine that some other guy would handle your fights exactly the way you want him to when your guy is not.  And it is so ridiculous!  But it helped to know I wasn't alone in projecting the imaginary perfection on a relationship that didn't work because the timing was never right, the relationship that left me, and my girlfriends with feelings of what if and non-resolution.  And how unfair to Andrew!  It is something I am working on not doing anymore.  However, relationships are damn hard; maybe it is healthy in some ways to go through this exercise when things are particularly difficult?

The rain just started again and I am back in a perfect moment as the cool breeze brings in the smell while I listen to Sufjan Stevens.  Sufjan Stevens is the perfect soundtrack to my perfect moment.

While my relationship with my fiance continues to grow and evolve, the same can be said of my relationships with friends.  I am finally okay with the fact that maybe my friends and I are at different points in our lives and that maintaining relationships the way they have always been will probably never be possible or reasonable.  And it is okay to let people go, or let them slip away a bit, or love them from afar when you think they are making life decisions somewhat hastily and you don't understand or relate but want to be available if and when things fall apart or to celebrate when things work out.

For a very long time I felt quite a bit of shame over having not finished college right out of high school.  It was painful to work shitty customer service jobs knowing I had potential to use my mind for higher purposes than figuring out if the foil sold at Costco is Kosher and Gluten Free.  And I found that thing, that job that met all the hard requirements for a career for me.  When I outlined this 8-10 years ago I had determined that I would find joy in a job where I spent quite a bit of time researching, rarely involved contact with customers or people, involved creativity and problem solving, allowed me equal amounts of time in an office and outside, was helping to make people's lives better and paid a living wage.  My job involves all of these requirements.  It allowed me to choose a major from which I could study sociology, political processes, psychology, law, public policy and play with Adobe products.  I made the right decision to wait.  Had I finished in the first go, I would have gone to law school at exactly the time that firms stopped hiring entry level attorneys because much of their work has been automated or turned into self-service internet sites.  I would have had to have taken a soul-sucking, time consuming corporate law position.  I would have hated life.

While we are imagining life had I chosen different paths... Had I stayed in Colorado, had I ever gotten back together with Austin, I likely would have continued making life decisions based on the life decisions of whatever boy was in my life.  Had I never left Andrew in Seattle and moved back, I may never have experienced the pure joy of living completely alone.  I never would have sold my car, I never would  have learned how much I love Denver, never would have connected with my incredible circle of friends.  I am eternally thankful I found me in the mess of my life and have worked to make me the best version of myself.  I am thankful I understand that me is never finished.  Me is a moving target who grows as a human into better versions of myself.  How lucky I am to have fallen in love so completely with a city so close to my roots and my family, a city that is dynamic and ever-changing.  How lucky I am to have experienced the childhood I was blessed with, the parents who allowed me room to become me while providing a safe place for me to fall down and encouragement to try again.  How lucky I am to have found a passion that pays real money and a job right out of college.

It seems like I have finally survived my quarter-life crisis.