Discovering My Future

I think self-reflection at the end of the day will be something I focus more closely on.  Sometimes I just need to decompress.

Work for example.  I am in charge of navigating the creation of my position and the direction it will go and I have no idea how to approach this and consequently I feel a little lost and intimidated.  Add to this the fact that I will be starting classes again and I don't feel like it was fair that I had to ask them this and they never really communicated this to me when they hired me.  I guess you could say I'm feeling a little jaded.  It is possible that at a maturity and knowledge level, I am just not prepared to take on the responsibility that comes with defining my own job title.  I desire the opportunity to learn from someone with more experience. 

Which leads me to the possibility of a new work opportunity.  I have been asked to apply for a position with my former boss that will give me a $20,000 wage increase should I be offered the position.  And there is no way in hell I would not accept the offer if it came.  It would also come with education reimbursement, a bus pass for me and Andrew, a guaranteed work load, and work that I am more familiar with and truly enjoy doing.  The bad news is, if I didn't get the position, I would need to find a way to continue a professional relationship with my mentor if he doesn't hire me.  If he does hire me, I will have to tell my current employer who gave me a huge chance and opportunity that I will not be working for the anymore.  But damn, $67,000 a year at this stage in my career would be fucking phenomenal.  I feel very honored to have even been asked to apply.  It seems like I have felt honored and humble quite a bit this summer.  I think this means I have found my calling. 

After a night of sleep, I feel better about marriage and stuff.   Andrew really is the right guy for me in so many ways.  He really has opened up entire new worlds to me. 

To be honest, I am thankful for every romantic interaction I have had with every man I have interacted with for the same reasons.  Had I stayed in the relationship with my high school sweetheart, the one whose friendship loss kills me, I would not be who I am today.  Maybe this is why I desire friendships with these people.  I wish Andrew didn't feel so threatened by friendships with men I used to love.  But I do understand.