So bright, she can burn your eyes

2013 is on my horizon, on my mind, just around the corner.  I realize that I say this every year; and don't get me wrong, I mean it every year, but 2013 will be my year.  After the shit storm that became the better part of this year, I feel stronger, more sure of my convictions, of who I am and what I want in my life, who I want in my life.  I don't doubt that I will be presented, around every corner, reasons to question my convictions.  But what kind of ignoramus would I be if I did not allow myself to question my own beliefs in order to know the true value of their worth?

I'm super bummed more Freaks and Geeks was never made.

My vision: I apply for this job that scares the hell out of me.  I nail the interview because the director of this program sees my worth as an addition to the Colorado Department of Transportation, he will see my passion for rail and transit, I start a full time temp position researching a major rail re-expansion for the state, gaining invaluable experience while working for credit at the University and taking two other online classes, maintaining my full time student classification.  I earn enough to save enough to not work over the summer, take an additional class and either do a volunteer internship at B-Cycle or work for Historicorps.  In the fall, I apply for and get either the RTD TOD, Transit Planner or Service Planner internship.  I rock that internship and finish out 2014, my 26th year like a boss.  This is my focus, my goal, my plan.

I don't want to get mommy tracked in my career.  I will sacrifice giving my parents grandchildren because my career is absolute important to me.  This may change but I feel like my talents, my happiness, everything is better served with me in the labor market.  This sharply clashes with the societal norms and values I've grown up with.  Sometimes it feels like maybe something is wrong with me to cause me to have no inclination towards motherhood.  It just feels like birthing a child, the woman gets the short end of the stick the whole way through.  You have to bare the pregnancy during and the after effects, most of the child rearing responsibility and you are generally the one who ends up losing pace with your career because it is expected that you, as a mom, should want to be at home with your children.  I'd be cool with a SAHD. I like the idea of being a traditional Dad.  I could coach Little League and stuff.

Tonight, I'm feeling really hopeful about the future.  I don't think I have anything more I want to accomplish in 2013 than what I've highlighted above.  This is my focus, my objective and my drive and I don't think I'll resolve to do anything more than maintain my focus.

Young, Wild Girl

Turning points happen more often, for me, than I feel like should be the case.  Maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the end of the semester, or the new opportunity or the fact that I talked to my job about all the reasons I felt like my job sucks and had a seemingly appreciative audience.  Maybe it has to do with healing old friendships and mending the wounds of the last 8 months.

My Halloween costume is all put together and I think I've done a good job with it.  I love dressing in period clothing.  As Daisy Buchanan, I will be spectacular.

This morning has been difficult in the motivation department.  I have an assignment to finish writing (at least it's nearly finished), textbook reading, and I really should try to work on one of my papers or projects.

For the party next weekend, I'm going to make pumpkin, apple butter and goat cheese tartlets. Then I will top them with whipped cream.  And this is why my friends make domestic accusations at me.

This evening I will be roasting a chicken with garlic herb butter under the skin and also roasting carrots and potatoes and sauteing brussels sprouts with a bit of honey.  It smells delicious.

Thank the ambiguous spirit in the sky that this is the last week of Citizens' Academy and next week is the last Wednesday I work.  I don't function properly without adequate rest periods.  My work suffers, my creativity suffers, the cleanliness of my apartment suffers, my legs get significantly furrier.  It's bad news, folks.

Bruno Mars is pretty adorable.  So I'll sign off with this.

2 minutes of hot dog water

With a fresh outlook and a new game plan, I'm feeling much better today.  I have nearly finished all of my homework due by Thursday, I have my Action Plan presentation put together for Citizens' Academy, and I have some amazing beans in the oven finishing up to eat with cornbread tonight.

Everything does eventually play out for me and I do have accomplishments to be very proud of.  The Transit Alliance Citizens' Academy is one of them.  The work I'm going to do to hopefully help implement my action plan could be huge and it's nothing to minimize as an accomplishment.  Just because I can't do it all, does not mean that I should stop trying to do anything.

I should buy the Back to the Future series on Blu Ray.  And Amelie.  Maybe next year.

The five pumpkins I have are taunting me to roast them, maybe next weekend.

I wish the election was over.  I'm over the partisan fighting.

Why I Tend to Feel an Increasing Dislike for the Generation Trying to Ruin Everything

The rainy morning has been glorious for allowing me to perch my happy (but still slightly disappointed) ass on my big comfy couch and basically plow through my homework with the output production of an amazing gay steam roller.   Also, the general mood of the day makes the excess consumption of hot beverages easy to maintain thus extracting the sinus nastiness from chest, relieving my sore throat and generally helping me to feel less zombie-like.

I didn't get the job.  I got a very nice consolation prize of a personal contact at the company if I find myself interested in another position there but I was not good enough for the position I originally wanted.  Now I get all the mumbo-jumbo about all things happening for a reason and all the junk I would spew with great conviction were I giving advice to someone else in my position.  But fuck.  I feel like coming in second best is the story of my damn life.  Time after time people like me, think I'm a great fit but something just doesn't scream "pick me, pick me" about me.  Is this some kind of personality flaw?  If it is I guess I'm screwed because I like my personality and have no intentions of changing it.

I'm grappling with some pride issues over having applied for state food assistance.  It would be a huge help in my very tight budget.  Also, they give you $200 a month.  Right now, I only spend (can afford) about $120 a month.  Am I not eating enough food?  The amount they give you is telling me that maybe I don't have enough in my budget for what the state thinks I should be nourishing myself with.  I  eat relatively healthily with my food budget.  But some help would be nice.

The burdon of grappling with myself over whether or not life gets better is becoming very trying.  I realize I am working on making better opportunity for myself but society really is setting up road block after road block for this struggling 20-something.  Jobs I qualify for rarely offer health insurance.  Internships that pay are becoming extremely rare and are barely offered at all in my area of study until I'm in Grad School which does make sense given most jobs in my area require graduate degrees.  Wages paid are a meager pittance.  It's no wonder so many of my generation have to move back in with their parents, are starting families later if even at all and have such a high unemployment rate.  We are being handed a shit show of an economy to work with and will likely be worse off in the long run because of actions we had nothing to do with.  My optimism and enthusiasm for American politics and my future are waning, dramatically, lately.  This is causing me to fall into a blaming mode and is allowing a great disdain for the baby boomers to set in.  I realize that different people are not to blame but as a generation on the whole they pretty much suck the life out of every resource they can get their hands on and I'm tired to feeling like me, my generation, will have to pick up the pieces of their collective destructive behaviors.  I'm angry that a recession drags on because of a stalemate in Congress.  I'm angry about a group of old, white, millionaire men who want to regulate what I, a 20 something, broke-ass, college student female can and can't do with my own damn body.  I'm angry that the gas tax isn't higher, that parking takes a precedence over bike lanes and that I nearly die once or twice a week because of some driver who isn't aware of his or her surroundings and has somehow completely forgotten that he or she is driving a several thousand bound metal death machine.  I'm angry at the lady who cut me off in the crosswalk and shrugged her shoulders at me.  Why is it so inherently difficult for people to think outside of their own selves?  We are so afraid of our neighbors that we forget the humanity of anyone we don't know directly and it has dire societal consequences.  

Deep Breaths And Stuff

Because I am about to implode, I am spending my evening taking care of myself.  I am finding opportunities to laugh.  I am allowing myself to heal from all the stress I'm coping with.  And I will let myself experience whatever emotion(s) come my way.

I REALLY would like to know if I got the job.  In the worst way, I want this thing; so incidentally I have gone from picturing myself and planning around having it.  Then I freaked the fuck out and convinced myself I did not have it and started allowing myself to start the grieving process so that when they call to tell me I failed I can say "no biggie, I already knew and prepared for the worst."

When I look at my schedule for the next month and a half I also freak the fuck out with overwhelming feelings "ohmygodi'mgoingtofaileverythingihavetoomuchtodoandtoolittletimeholyjeeze!!!!!!"