Exhaustion

Shit gets weird in my life. Just all of a sudden my whole world is turned upside down. My priorities are flipped and things which never mattered mean the world to me. I need to go to bed.

All I'm asking

This boy is relentless! How many times have I tried to get rid of him and yet, here he is again! WTF?!? I don't understand his insistence on being in my life and he will likely break my heart; seriously, break my heart. This jackass is going to continue to say things like "I should introduce you to my friends" or "I care about you too" or "you will have to accept my quirks" or "I guess there's only one way to see if we end up together" or "what if we break up?" Each time he finds his way back into my I fall a little further. And each time it's just a little bit harder to get over him. It would be really helpful if he could go ahead and not break my heart this time. Space is likely what I need to provide him and that's what I'll do. I have got to just get over it.

Reflections

Today has been a good day. I haven't melted down, yet, today. My apartment is clean, I made dinner and cleaned up and my apartment is clean. I'm not scared. I'm not bored and though I'm alone, I'm okay. This is going to be a fantastic weekend.

Getting rid of DLR still stings a bit. I suppose that's only natural. It will continue to get easier.

On not carrying a baby

I spent the better part of my day experiencing something that was likely a miscarriage. I have mixed feelings about this. This likely means two things: 1.) That jackass got me pregnant 2.) Crisis averted.

This also means that I have a totally new perspective on my sexual partners going forward. 1.) you will use a condom, no questions asked 2.) If I don't think we would have good children, you're not getting up in here.

I didn't really think about DLR today. I thought about him long enough to determine that if he got me pregnant 1.) It would be a little ironic now that I've told him to go fuck himself 2.)I was going to kill him.

But at the end of it, I still feel okay. Not overly good, but not bad. I felt good enough to prepare dinner and pick up my apartment and this is the latest I've been awake all week.

I have a terrible pain in my hip. Maybe it's the end of my body agreeing with me that we're neither interested in or ready for having a baby. It's like the universe is telling me that it's giving me a break since I'm nearly 25 and life pretty much sucks otherwise. It's the universe making up for my poor choice in men and lack of college education. It's the universe allowing me the opportunity to become an economics major, which I'm massively excited about. There is an incentive in telling people I'm an econ major. It makes me seem smart and nerdy, which I am. I think like an economist and the more I study different economics themed books the more at home I feel in the study. It was a great decision and unlike my other decisions, the closer I get to execution of the decision, the more excited I am about it.

At any rate, fuck this day and fuck my life.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

When Pondering the Purchase of a Vibrator

Day 2 of having no romantic connections. I've decided that I will purchase a new vibrator as a gift to myself for learning to love being single, swearing off men, and getting older. I looked at De La Rosa's facebook today. I have to stop doing that. It's not conducive to healing quickly. I wonder what it is I can learn from all of my failed attempts at love. I wonder what I should take from having been propositioned on three different occasions for fuck buddy relations in one month. What I am going to do is stop having sex (with other people). That is unless they are perfect strangers whom I will never see again. But.... since i have no intention of shaving my legs or anything else for that matter until after Christmas I will likely not seek sex from a man in that time period also.

I have to get my shit together, re-ground myself, remember why I'm fucking awesome. I don't lie well. I will never exude confidence that I don't actually posses. I want to start reading recipes and planning menus and reading econ blogs and nerding out to podcasts and other nerd vices of mine again. I want to plan a potential container garden and prepare for school and Thanksgiving and Christmas without the constant interference of men who will likely fail.

I erased all the numbers of my love interests besides De La Rosa and Derek. Derek, because I'm not interested in being more than friends and he's just fabulous and De La Rosa because I can't bear to let that one last piece of contact information go. Why did I allow so many concessions for him? He didn't want me fully and completely, he smokes, he's short, he drives a fucking grand am (2 door, automatic and red) he's a hoarder, he does way too many drugs and has too close of a relationship with pot, he doesn't have his shit together, he lives with an old man, he has a cat, he doesn't cook, he shops at Wal-Mart, he buys stylish clothes but doesn't know how to assemble them into an outfit and most importantly, he was not smart enough to recognize that if he did not take action, that he would lose potentially the best woman who would ever come into his life.

I was unapologetic, brash, and swift in my approach to cutting those ties. I doubt that he thought I would cut them with the precision of a craftsman sword. But why rip the bandaid off slowly? It's more painful that way and the pain lasts longer. I made a clean break and I'm happy I did so. Even if my vagina is at odds with the decision.

I have to stop throwing up every night. Tonight I had meant to not do so and did so when my dinner severely disagreed with my stomach and my stomach threw my dinner out the front door. I've already been down the bullemia road. I don't really want to do it again. It's likely that after I see the doctor on Friday that maybe I will have an anti-anxiety pill that will help with that. Hopefully it will help with my need to sleep so much. It's only 7:20 and I'm already considering bed. I just don't see the point in being awake. I like being asleep better.

Go Fuck Yourself, De La Rosa

Your feelings for me do not now, nor will they ever rival what I feel for you. You are keeping me from reaching my potential in myself. You hold me back from someone better. This is why you have to go. There is not a chance that if I wait for you that you will somehow change your mind and come running and begging me to be with you; for real, with you. I am better than what this relationship does to me. Always say never when it comes to you. You must be one hell of a damaged soul not to see that you will never find anyone as dynamic, beautiful, intelligent, and overall amazing as I am and you are walking away from the best thing that ever happened to you. I feel sorry for you that you feel fulfilled in your life by "chasing tail" That your ability to that outweighs what I contribute to your life. And for you to get so sad when you left the other night, to tell me that it wasn't right for us to not sleep together anymore should have been an indication to you that I am the right person for right now. You are an idiot not to realize this and I can't stay with someone with so little emotional intelligence. So I'm moving on. And you are not coming along in any capacity. You do not deserve to have me in your life any longer. I'm done.

Snow Day

As I showed up to work this morning after having called the weather line prior to leaving early to get to work on time, after trudging through the wet snow, twisting my ankle and nearly getting run over, I noticed there were not any cars in the parking lot. I called the weather line one more time to find out there had been a two hour delay in starting business this morning. I promptly called in and headed home. Granted, I'm deliriously nerve racked over the conversation my supervisor is going to have with me concerning the matter of my attendance. Honestly, I made a promise to myself to not live a life I would regret. I'm a firm believer that 6 weeks of time off, paid or not, should be mandatory in our work force. We work too many hours at jobs we dislike. It's no wonder that mental illness and anti-depressants are rampant. I was not going to stick around bored and cold for 2 hours and I was not going to turn around and come home only to have to go right back, this morning. That was an assenine idea. So I simply called in and came home.

DLR is not a healthy relationship for me. It's time for me to cut all ties with him. I'm done.

I will be true to myself and what I want and deserve in a man and as a reminder, let's re-examine my list:

He will tell me and mean it that I am beautiful all the time.
He will think my cooking is amazing.
He will support my hopes and dreams.
He will adore me.
He will be tall.
He will share my love affair with music.
He will share my love affair with wonderful food. And be an adventurous eater.
He will never question, and will always go along with, even if he thinks I'm crazy, my environmental antics.
He will love my garden as much as I do and want to join in.
He will take an interest in things that interest me.
He will love it that I take interest in things that interest him.
We will have an active lifestyle.
He will like sports and being active.
He will like wine and beer,and most importantly, want to try new wines and beers with me.
He will argue back when we fight.
He will comfort me when I'm down.
He will not treat me like I am stupid.
He will respect me, even when I'm acting like a fool.
I will be in awe of him every day.
I will always want to work things out with him.
He will love my art.
He will appreciate my taste in art and if not, at least know why he doesn't and have his own taste.
He will be intelligent.
He will dress stylishly but not be obsessed with clothes.
He will know how to fix things.
He will be my best friend.
He will be able to maintain intelligent and non-intelligent conversation with me.
I will be able to learn from him and he from me.
He will have a sense of humor.
He will be sure of his want of me.
He will able to communicate with me.
He will have his shit together.
He will not smoke cigarettes.
He will love my body.
He will not have the eating habits of a six year old.
He will not be a lawyer.