Plan B

These hormones are making me feel like I'm having a bad trip. I don't even care if you call or text, but now that you put it out there that you would, I kind of think you should. However, I'm not sure I even want you to call or text. It seems like my path, here, just kept going on without me and I just managed to catch back up with it after I took a ridiculous detour with the stupid idea that I would move to Seattle with a guy who turned out to be overbearing and manipulative. I was on drugs to think that was real. I'm exhausted by all of this. I'm exhausted by my detour. I'm exhausted by my life, by finals, by finding a job and unpacking my shit and being angry that I fell for his BULLSHIT! I'm angry that I don't know if I'll get my shit back! I'm angry I left shit there in the first place. You put up the front of some sweet, gentle, loving man up and made me believe you weren't psychotic and manipulative. Every single person I have talked to about this believes that you lost your damn mind with your logic. You're right, you have no logic, you have made up shit in your mind about the way you think things are and you are so off base with everything. And I fell for it! Thank you for showing me you are a controlling jerk before I made the giant mistake of moving in with you. I hate you for the way you made me question my convictions and who I am. How fucking dare you. I made it abundantly clear that you had to take me for who I am and not even 3 months in you wanted me to start changing. Clearly I'm not ready for a relationship.

But I'm back on track. I'm back to feeling like myself. I will be okay. But these effing hormones need to go ahead and work their magic and get the fuck out of my system.

I think it's a good day for a burrito.

Determination, Courage

Today, I am okay. My trip back to the farm was better than usual. My therapist wanted me to write, this week. She thinks it is a good idea for me to remember things that I am thankful for and I agree with her. I have to take the car back soon. I love the Target "color changes everything" ad campaign. I can tell my generation is starting to play a more creative role in advertising. Or maybe I'm coming into a demographic that is more targeted for advertising. I'm starting to not feel so icky. This silly cold has been plaguing me all damn week. Moving gives me such a mixed feeling of happy and sad and scared and excited. Emily was talking to me about this guy Eric, last night, who was engaged to a woman he never saw himself marrying. For some reason this conversation really resonated with me. Jalapenos are the shit. Turned in the car, finished my homework, did some packing, going to google some tips on final cleaning when moving out of an apartment, made my grocery list, may still go to the grocery store today, made dinner plans with Kylie for tomorrow. made my bed, feeling better, did some organizing and planning, overall a fantastic day. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want children. I'm starting to feel a baby bug, a little bit. After spending more time around kids who seem to love me, I am finding myself starting to want some of my own. It's especially strong now that I'm with a man who would be a good father, whom I can depend on. It's such a strange desire, for me.

Looking around my apartment, slowly packed away into boxes destined for Seattle, slowly things come down from the walls and out from their hiding spaces tucked neatly into cupboards, slowly I sort through the life I have made for myself in the last year and a half, slowly I sort through the self I have made in the last year and a half and slowly I come to realize these steps that I am taking, forward, one step, two steps, one foot in front of the other this is who I want to be, where I want to be, the place I want to go with the person I want to go with. I count myself lucky. Look at the things I have been able to accomplish! Look at the things I have survived! And no, my life is not exactly what I want it to be but if it were I would have nothing more to work towards and that would simply be boring.

Denver is quite beautiful in the morning. I will really miss it here.

Everyday that I spend away from Steve, the more my heart hurts from missing him.

I will go for a jog, tonight.