I Tried to be Chill, But You're So Hot That I Melted

I have a massive headache today.

It's interesting to me how people can come in and out of your life and the marks that they leave behind them. Just in the last year I can think of so many people who have come in and out of my life, some who have come and stayed in my life who have left a legacy in my heart and contributed to who I am. This experience is priceless. I love meeting and talking to new people and I love all the new friends I have made in my recent past.

The whole world has opened up to me recently, maybe it's that I have opened up to the whole world. I'm ready to really begin to experience all that life has to offer.

Right now I am happy and hopeful.

At this moment you mean everything

I took pictures of my body last night that I like, which means I can now officially see my weight loss. I look really good! It's amazing how an unhealthy relationship can foster such an unhealthy lifestyle which creates a terrible self image which circles back around to continuing with said unhealthy relationship. I'm so thankful to have gained the courage and strength to break that circle and come back around to who I really am. And who I am is not the weak person who stayed in the circle almost a full two years longer than she should have. Lesson learned. Painful lesson, but lesson none the less.

I woke up really early today! It probably helps that I was in bed way earlier than normal. It felt good. I have so much day ahead of me before I even need to be to work. I can feel that my life is making a turn into a place that I want to be. Do you ever just feel like something really good is about to come into your life?

And at the same time, I'm so scared to let myself feel good about this one. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has to right? It does with every other guy. Is he really looking for a girlfriend or is he just looking to get laid? Until proven otherwise, I think I'm going to have to say that he is just looking to get laid. And I have to treat my interaction with him accordingly. I'm worth more than allowing anyone to use me and leave me out to dry. I think my self image has been so low that I'm ready and willing to do anything for any cute boy who looks my way. No more, the pain from my past will no longer play such a strong influence on my future. This will be the next evil circle in my life I have to break out of.

I'm thinking about getting a new job. The day after I get back from Seattle has got to be dedicated to getting my school stuff taken care of. I think I will stick with my sociology major just to get through it. I'm also going to get a job in a restaurant like the one I want to open. I'm starting to wane on the idea and I promised myself I would stick with it, even when I'm waning on the idea. So that is what I will do. But as far as school goes, that is just a milestone I want to complete for me and sociology interests me so I'll stick with it for my degree.

I have to get my debt paid off. My car will be paid off in a year and that will free up all sorts of money. My car insurance will go down at that point also and all of that extra can go into my credit card and student loan debt. I have to get to a point that I can replace the timing belt in my car. I don't need that disaster in my life. Maybe I'll see if I can borrow the money from my parents. I hate Andrew for having not done it last year like I asked him to. Why did I waste my time with him? He did so much damage in my life! I don't know if I will ever forgive him and be at a point where I can be his friend. It's been 7 months since we broke up and I hate him as much as ever, if not more.

My paragraphs are very grammatically incorrect. We'll go ahead and just refer to them as shifts in thought. The periods between my next ranting of words.

There is so much more I want to do with me life, but up to this point, I am very happy with what I have been able to accomplish with my life. I have lead a story-worthy life and that is all that I can ask of myself. I didn't close myself off to experience in order to achieve a prestigious career early in my life. I fear that people who do that are setting themselves up for a midlife crisis when they are older and realize they have done nothing but worked their lives away.

Lightin bugs are floatin on the breeze

Could it really be a dream come true? It must be too good to be true.

The hammer caught me as a lesson you know

I've gone and done it. I delved into online dating. Blah. If nothing else the attention I'm getting improves my confidence. So even if I don't meet anyone, and I'm not sure I want to meet anyone, I have a winning situation going with this. It works for me. I do really want to retreat into my own world.

I don't want to work today. I'm feeling so lazy right now! I have got to close my computer and turn off my phone and just go outside. I hate when I get into this introvert funk.

Let's see where life is going to take me from here.

From the lonely seat

I should know better when my heart is involved. I'm so tired of having my heart broken. I'm so jaded by men. I don't know what you want with me. I'm sure I've served my purpose in his life now. I just keep doing this to myself! I hate when I'm just another dumb woman. I knew better! My better judgment told me not to! Not when my heart is involved.

Had it been another day

Staying up until four in the morning and being completely and totally exhausted all day was worth wile in so many ways. But I am SO insanely tired right now. I hope dearly to spend many more nights like last night.

The actors here have not got a clue

I love coffee. I finally have real coffee again and it makes me over the top happy. I really need to get laid. This holding out self-control shit makes me contemplate random acts of rage. If my morning coffee didn't make me blissfully happy, I would probably be a raging bitch right now. Not to mention my neighbor woke me up at 3:00 this morning fucking the shit out of some girl. I'm pretty sure the bed knocking against the wall was about two seconds from bringing down the whole building. I think I will leave a note congratulating him on his fuck and requesting, on behalf of the building, that he move his bed away from the wall. Next year at this time I hope to be in Austin at SXSW. We can hope and dream right?

Come on be the one.

I'm trying out a different kind of man this time.

The Call and The Answer

Today, I feel amazing. The sun is shining, the wind is not blowing and to this point, my day has been nothing short of perfect. Any day I get to lay in the park, basking in the sun, listening to podcasts and reading my magazines could not be called anything short of perfect. Friday I will get to buy my Seattle tickets and I will be there in less than a month. I'm so excited! I miss Seattle so much.

It's alarming how much of my past I have simply forgotten. Last night in my bout of insomnia I read my old journals. And the terrible part is I tore out some of the really bad parts. Now, I will probably never really remember some things and barely remember others. Is this normal? Does this happen to everyone? Or do I just put the bad things out of my mind? Is this my coping mechanism? I guess I'll never really know will I?

Daylight savings time makes me so happy. Longer, warmer days as I and the rest of the world prepare for the three best seasons, spring, summer and fall. I'm so excited for farmer's markets to start opening again. And the long, drunken summer nights full of wine and liquor, next to the pool or in the park or on the porch of a local bar. And lets not forget the sun-kissed skin, the bleached out blonde my hair will get when exposed to the sun and skirts. While were at it, I should also mention the Rockies games, the concerts at Redrocks, and starting school with in bikepath/walking distance. This is destined to be the best summer I've had in a long time.

Isn't amazing what ridding yourself of toxic people can free you up for? I'm ready to see what else life has in store for me. Good or bad. This has been an amazing year so far. In the seven months I have been single, I have done so much self-discovery and healing.

You Can't Await Your Own Arrival

The emotion that I need to convey when I put my fingertips to the keyboard is unrecognizable to me. How do I describe something I have never felt before? I'm naked. My skin, my self, my being as I have known it for so long is gone, the molting process which ended so painfully has ended and here I sit, naked. Exposure to the world is fascinating and creates a sort of fear and idyllic sense of the future for me. When I no longer yearn for the company of a man, I will be truly ready to have one. Here, tonight, I found myself with a sense of longing while I lay in bed by myself. Though I do feel as though I'm starting to really, adamantly, appreciate being by myself. It was brought to my attention recently that I've been addicted to a toxic kind of man. It really was a slap in the face, interrogation room bright lights, come to jesus, epiphany for me. My only focus going forward is me.

In this moment, with my world falling down around me, I feel almost blissful. Lately, in spite of all my turmoil I have been so very good at finding my bliss. And why not right? Why not is my new motto in life. I have got to start really challenging my comfort zone, expanding my horizons if you will. This is, after all, my meaningful life project.

Not all who are lost, wander.

I think I'll write a self-help piece and call it "When your ex compares you to heroine" the addictive and deadly aspects of being you. This whole thing just makes me realize how sincerely fucked up I really am. Do you think this correlates to the never have really been single aspect of my life; that maybe I've never taken the time to actually heal from the damages of being in a relationship? I think that being single for the summer will really be a good healing time for me. I absolutely have to build on my confidence and learn to love myself again.

This is what I want to work on in myself:

learn to stick to my budget
kickstart my diet again.
finish my window project
start school again
finish school
plant my window garden
improve my recipe base/cooking ability
get a tan

Sing, Swing, Sing

I am feeling strangely fine. Different, but good. Its as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This relief is beyond comprehension or description. For now, I just have to take my life day by day. Katrina made another valid point last night. She mentioned that I had not gone a single week with out a meltdown. I think it's time I do go an entire week without a meltdown. It's a good place to start. It starts today. I start today.

I don't think I would ever want to be able to start my car from my phone. That is just scary to me.

It feels like this will be a huge turning point in my life. It will be one that I am ready for.

I will be okay.

if i take my eyes off the prize then it never was

I'm throwing in the towel on this one. I have nothing else to give you. You are simply a flaky friend. When you are ready to include me in your life again, don't expect to easily just pick up. It's not going to happen. I can honestly say there is not a single man whom I have feelings for right now and I don't really know what to make of it. I've never really been in a position where I didn't even have a crush on anyone. I have a love affair with learning all that I can about cooking, preserving and growing food. It's hard to believe where I have found myself in my life. I'm really anxious right now. I have to make it to SXSW in the next five years. I want to go so badly. I'm totally not financially able to go right now.

Katrina made a pretty valid point on why I might be so gungho on this one. She thinks I get every guy I really truly want. She says I just dig my claws in and he is naturally mine and I thought I had this one and he escaped my grasp. I think she makes a valid point but is not 100% correct.

There's Chicken In The Fridge

Do you ever wonder if there is someone else in the world doing exactly what you are doing at the exact same moment you are doing it? Like now, wouldn't it be amazing if there was another young woman, staying home from work due to a migraine, watching He's Just Not That Into You, eating roasted potatoes, and making tomato soup. This migraine is getting pretty old.

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better. I would probably be okay to go to work tomorrow but I have to go to that doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's long overdue.

I've been trying to detox my body a some with dried plums. I seem to be a lot less bloated today which is helping me feel more comfortable. I want to live part time on the coast. Wouldn't that be nice? I love the ocean so very much and seeing video shots just makes me long for it. Maybe when I get older I'll retire and open a Bed and Breakfast on the coast.

It seems like I will never be anyone's true exception. I think this is the first moment since my breakup that I have truly felt lonely and longing to be with someone. I don't really know what to make of this transgression. Maybe once I clean my apartment today, it will make me feel better.

I'm throwing myself into my food and learning to improve my writing. I'm also going to check into whether CU Denver has a restaurant management degree. This is my time to refine my craft and I'm stepping it up a notch.

Two Grand Slam Stories

My apartment and my life are a mess. Pretty much, I just feel numb and angry and stressed out. I am my only salvation in this world. I am the only one who can make me happy and quite frankly, I'm just done with most other people. Really, slowly, and officially, I feel like I'm slipping into a slight depression. My confidence is nil and void right now. Maybe I'm pms-ing. I just feel off and upset. Nothing is making me feel better right now.

How is it that I have taught all of my ex's about learning to love and how to do well for themselves and yet here I am, lonely, broken, and unwanted? My heart is broken in so many pieces and each time I try to pick them up, something else comes along, shattering the broken pieces into millions of shards of what used to be my heart, my soul, who I am. I don't know who I am. So many pieces are lost, there are so many voids that need to be filled with new pieces and in the meantime, pain is just pouring from the voids.

I decided to come home from work, my headache had gotten entirely too awful to bear the terrible lighting and echoing noise of the warehouse building. And now that I'm home the dryer is squeaking in the room next to me. FML. I don't think I will go to work tomorrow either. Between now and then I will figure out what I'm going to do about finding a doctor to sign off on my fmla paperwork so I'm not penalized at work for missing. I'm tired.

I ain't no beauty queen

I picked up my garden journal today to start planning my 2011 garden. It will be a quarter of the size as last years garden and it will be only in my window sill but I think that plants in my little apartment will make all the difference in how I feel day to day. Especially now that the cat has moved out. I'm planning mostly herbs: dill, mint, lavender, thyme, rosemary, chives, basil, oregano, and sage. I'm also going to get a jasmine plant to hang, a prayer plant or a peace lily to put in the bathroom window and a snake plant to put behind my stereo. I might also put some inexpensive, colorful annuals in my bed window. We'll see how my garden budget looks by the time I do everything else. Plants make me so happy. Something about growing something successfully just has such an intense effect on my outlook of the world. It releases infinite endorphins.

I also started writing down my recipes in my recipe journal. I think this will keep me grounded in my dream to open my restaurant. I also spent some time on the facebook page of one of my favorite restaurants where I picked up some more information. It was really pretty calming for me to have spent my morning doing two of these things that I LOVE doing.

Lately, my journal posts have been a few days worth of me adding on to one post. My mind is so wanderous lately that it's hard for me to feel like a post is finished in one sitting.

I made incredible cinnamon rolls last night.

I want to know where my life is going, it feels so meaningless and lost right now. I feel like I have no direction. I do have direction and plans. I do plan on going back to school this summer and I do dream of opening my restaurant where I can have a beautiful effect on people's lives every single day.

I think I'm ready to find love in my life again. It seems like I have had enough of my single person, going out all the time, dating random guys, single lifestyle. It's just not really me. But I'm very thankful to have had the experience, now I know that I'm not really missing anything. Waking up hungover all the time, regretting things done and said, I'm just not feeling like this is the best way to go forward with my life. It's time to focus on self improvement, developing my style, my flair, and who I really am. I have some room to grow and I'm ready to get started with who I want to be. As of today, I am completely self-assured in what I want in my life. I want to find someone to spend my life with, to build a dream with and maybe have a family with. I want to finish school in the next two years. I want to pay off all of my debt in the next 5 years and I want to open my restaurant in the next 8 years.

I am a beautiful, dynamic, hard working woman who will make all of this happen. I have a make it happen attitude and demeanor and it's time to put it to work. I'm finding my way in life, it would just be nice to feel like I had a set direction every now and again.

Just The Way You're Gonna Do

I feel like my life is on a precipice of evolving into another era for me. I think I may be molting. Maybe that is what all of my recent growing pains have been about, maybe it is all just in the process of my molting.

The situation in my family is highly stressful. My confidence is pretty down right now. Today, I decided to dig around in my memory box and I came across a teddy bear that Austin had given me in high school. Totally broke my heart.

I made it back to my Denver studio where I was not greeted by my cat and it made me a little sad. It's so quiet here with out him. I will be super broke for the next two weeks but I think I will get by okay.

I do feel better now than I did earlier today. The air, the stressed out air, in my parents' community was suffocating. I think if I would have stayed any longer I would have legitimately gotten sick. I think I'm done with Austin, either he is playing some kind of game with me or he has turned into the world's flakiest friend and to be honest, I don't have the energy for games or flaky friends. I'm really just done with a lot right now. I absolutely have to focus on self-improvement and on the things I love because if I don't, I kid you not, I will lose it. I'm so close to just losing it now. But I will be cooking two things that I am amazing at cooking this week. Tonight, Ashley is coming over for pizza and a movie. I look like someone kicked my ass and I feel about as good as I look.

I definitely just got back from Safeway, where every guy who was good looking and checking me out had a girl on his arm. Also, I definitely spent half an hour on hair and makeup for my five minute trip into Safeway where I also wore sexy heels. It's just kind of disappointing that every man I think is attractive is just unavailable to me. I really just don't believe that I will ever find love again. I'm just not meant to have love in my life, I guess. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of playing games and getting hurt. I'm just done with it all. Just frustrated and irritated. I don't want to try anymore.

I'm a shepherd for you, let me guide you through.

If I'm ever to find a love in my life, my perfect love in my life, I should probably get an idea of what that should look like no? So I think I'll start to figure this out. This posting will be a list of qualities I want in my life partner.

He will tell me and mean it that I am beautiful all the time.
He will think my cooking is the best he has EVER had, even better than his mother's.
He will support my hopes and dreams.
He will adore me.
He will be tall.
He will play the guitar.
He will share my love affair with music.
He will share my love affair with wonderful food.
He will never question, and will always go along with, even if he thinks I'm crazy, my environmental antics.
He will love my garden as much as I do and want to join in.
He will take an interest in things that interest me.
He will love it that I take interest in things that interest him.
We will have an active lifestyle.
He will like sports and want to watch them on t.v. and in person.
He will like wine,and most importantly, want to try new wines with me.
He will argue back when we fight.
He will comfort me when I'm down.
He will not treat me like I am stupid.
He will respect me, even when I'm acting like a fool.
I will be in awe of him every day.
I will always want to work things out with him.
He will love my art.
He will appreciate my taste in art and if not, at least know why he doesn't and have his own taste.
He will be intelligent.
He will dress stylishly but not be obsessed with clothes.
He will be mechanically inclined and know how to fix things.
He will be my best friend.
He will be able to maintain intelligent and non-intelligent conversation with me.
I will be able to learn from him and he from me.
He will have a sense of humor.