Just The Way You're Gonna Do

I feel like my life is on a precipice of evolving into another era for me. I think I may be molting. Maybe that is what all of my recent growing pains have been about, maybe it is all just in the process of my molting.

The situation in my family is highly stressful. My confidence is pretty down right now. Today, I decided to dig around in my memory box and I came across a teddy bear that Austin had given me in high school. Totally broke my heart.

I made it back to my Denver studio where I was not greeted by my cat and it made me a little sad. It's so quiet here with out him. I will be super broke for the next two weeks but I think I will get by okay.

I do feel better now than I did earlier today. The air, the stressed out air, in my parents' community was suffocating. I think if I would have stayed any longer I would have legitimately gotten sick. I think I'm done with Austin, either he is playing some kind of game with me or he has turned into the world's flakiest friend and to be honest, I don't have the energy for games or flaky friends. I'm really just done with a lot right now. I absolutely have to focus on self-improvement and on the things I love because if I don't, I kid you not, I will lose it. I'm so close to just losing it now. But I will be cooking two things that I am amazing at cooking this week. Tonight, Ashley is coming over for pizza and a movie. I look like someone kicked my ass and I feel about as good as I look.

I definitely just got back from Safeway, where every guy who was good looking and checking me out had a girl on his arm. Also, I definitely spent half an hour on hair and makeup for my five minute trip into Safeway where I also wore sexy heels. It's just kind of disappointing that every man I think is attractive is just unavailable to me. I really just don't believe that I will ever find love again. I'm just not meant to have love in my life, I guess. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of playing games and getting hurt. I'm just done with it all. Just frustrated and irritated. I don't want to try anymore.