We have decided to buy a condo or town home. Hopefully a town home in Lakewood near Belmar with at least 2 bedrooms, a small patio or yard, a garage, near transit and open space and things to do. For less than $225,000. I actually think this is a thing that is not impossible. So commences operation get really serious about paying off debt and saving money really quickly. Thankfully my budget hasn't really ballooned at all since I started getting paid real money.
My rant for the day: If I ask a PM for feedback on work I am doing for their project and they continually brush me off and offer little assistance, it really pisses me off when they come back at the end of the project having completely torn my work apart without giving me the resources or the time to fix it like I had been asking as I went along. So I wouldn't end up in this exact position. Fuck working with engineers who can't quite figure out how to give me feedback or give me work or even communicate with me. I had to take a walk to cool off after the above referenced incident and ended up hitting up Starbucks.
I finally got back on the bike for a short, brisk ride around Sloan's Lake. It was a perfect summer evening neighborhood ride. I really am going to miss this neighborhood when we leave.
The RTD position is suppose to open on Friday. Here's hoping it actually does.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Friday, July 24, 2015
I am seriously all over the place
My job bores me. Maybe this is a by-product of being the new guy? It feels like I have been set up to fail my billable hours goal. I don't think anyone intentionally made this happen but everything just feels...wrong. So if RTD declines to hire me, I think I will be seeking another job in the next year. Highway engineering truly isn't for me.
We are headed to Ikea to pick up the rest of the stuff for our living room- a few pieces to complete the tv stand and some pieces to add to the liquor shelf that will help with dust collection. We are planning to stop by an open house on the way home. I think we both really like the area of South Broadway in Englewood. The house we are stopping by is perfect and in that neighborhood. We are in no way prepared to buy right now but it would be fun to pretend. Everyone I know is moving northwest of the city. Of course I would be looking to move southwest.
I have come around to really wanting this new position so it is fairly likely I won't be hired.
Too many peanut butter cups made my stomach a little upset.
Grad School registration happened today. Because I am super excited to finish Grad School, I am super eager to start Grad School. This shit is going to be expensive... Let's hope the cost-benefit outcome works out in my favor.
It turns out that when I am not being challenged in a responsibility, it is hugely challenging for me to stay engaged with it.
The strangest thing happened as Andrew and I were looking at a house. We were scrolling through pictures and I saw the nursery and proclaimed "it even has a nursery all ready to go." Andrew and I both nearly shit when I said that.
A not-so-close friend posted on Facebook about how she and her husband could not wait for him to graduate so they could move because they couldn't handle the racist pigs in Colorado. While they tend to be a bit over-dramatic, I wonder what happened to make them feel that way.
The shootings in Lafayette during Trainwreck really felt emotionally heavy. If any demographic deserves to be racially profiled, it is white men.
We are headed to Ikea to pick up the rest of the stuff for our living room- a few pieces to complete the tv stand and some pieces to add to the liquor shelf that will help with dust collection. We are planning to stop by an open house on the way home. I think we both really like the area of South Broadway in Englewood. The house we are stopping by is perfect and in that neighborhood. We are in no way prepared to buy right now but it would be fun to pretend. Everyone I know is moving northwest of the city. Of course I would be looking to move southwest.
I have come around to really wanting this new position so it is fairly likely I won't be hired.
Too many peanut butter cups made my stomach a little upset.
Grad School registration happened today. Because I am super excited to finish Grad School, I am super eager to start Grad School. This shit is going to be expensive... Let's hope the cost-benefit outcome works out in my favor.
It turns out that when I am not being challenged in a responsibility, it is hugely challenging for me to stay engaged with it.
The strangest thing happened as Andrew and I were looking at a house. We were scrolling through pictures and I saw the nursery and proclaimed "it even has a nursery all ready to go." Andrew and I both nearly shit when I said that.
A not-so-close friend posted on Facebook about how she and her husband could not wait for him to graduate so they could move because they couldn't handle the racist pigs in Colorado. While they tend to be a bit over-dramatic, I wonder what happened to make them feel that way.
The shootings in Lafayette during Trainwreck really felt emotionally heavy. If any demographic deserves to be racially profiled, it is white men.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Cool Summer Gratitude
The last week has been horrible for my anxiety. I am having quite a bit of internal conflict over some work things. Last night I cleaned up the apartment, started a new book, ate a delicious and comforting dinner, and took a hot, relaxing bath. Finally I was able to give myself a pep talk. If I am going to survive this temporary situation I have to adjust my attitude and find a way to make it interesting. Otherwise I will not be my best, confident self when it comes to interviewing for the new position. If I allow my confidence to collapse before then, I will fail.
I start grad school within the next month or so. I think it will be fine. I'm thankful I was able to take grad level classes as an undergrad because I feel more prepared for what to expect. Also, understanding that I am finally passing up the education levels of those I envied for finishing their Bachelor's before I did makes me feel pretty stellar. Though I should be more hesitant to compare myself and my situation to anyone else.
Watching HGTV makes me want a place of our own. But I am thankful we will be able to stay here with our reasonable rent for the next year or two. I think that is the wisest financial decision we can make. I spoke with Andrew about him needed to get his racing kicks in soon because once we have a kid, we aren't sharing that car, we are getting something more family friendly. Honestly, if he is set on that being a Forester, than it will be a Forester. We also talked about being in a position to start a family in the next 3 or so years. Cheap rent while we prepare for those things is optimal.
Thank goodness it has been a cool summer. Cool summers are the best kind of summers.
I start grad school within the next month or so. I think it will be fine. I'm thankful I was able to take grad level classes as an undergrad because I feel more prepared for what to expect. Also, understanding that I am finally passing up the education levels of those I envied for finishing their Bachelor's before I did makes me feel pretty stellar. Though I should be more hesitant to compare myself and my situation to anyone else.
Watching HGTV makes me want a place of our own. But I am thankful we will be able to stay here with our reasonable rent for the next year or two. I think that is the wisest financial decision we can make. I spoke with Andrew about him needed to get his racing kicks in soon because once we have a kid, we aren't sharing that car, we are getting something more family friendly. Honestly, if he is set on that being a Forester, than it will be a Forester. We also talked about being in a position to start a family in the next 3 or so years. Cheap rent while we prepare for those things is optimal.
Thank goodness it has been a cool summer. Cool summers are the best kind of summers.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
7/21
Yesterday Andrew and I had a knock-down, drag-out, started in public argument. The details don't matter, we worked it out. In the end he finally told me why he wanted to marry me. And I feel considerably better about getting married.
Our apartment situation has been resolved, also. We will be staying here for the next year or two and our rent will not increase too much.
I'm seriously biding my time until the new position opens. It seems like I am being assigned serious busy work and no one seems to have any idea of what to do with me. It is frustrating.
Our apartment situation has been resolved, also. We will be staying here for the next year or two and our rent will not increase too much.
I'm seriously biding my time until the new position opens. It seems like I am being assigned serious busy work and no one seems to have any idea of what to do with me. It is frustrating.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Ahhh! The Anxiety Monster!
I am completely paralyzed with anxiety! It is affecting my ability to put together my resume to prepare for this job application opening this week, my appetite, my attitude, and how I am reacting and responding to my fiance. I don't want to go to my job tomorrow but I will likely be more anxious if I work from home. So alas, I will just keep on and carry on.
All of this work and possibility of moving is making me feel unsettled, anxious, and uncomfortable. I need to find a way to calm down, refocus, and more forward. My neck is tense and the movie Inside Out made me ball my eyes out and feel melancholic. Fuck this noise.
I have a few thoughts on all of this: 1. Let's hope I'm not pregnant. 2. Tonight needs to be the last night I don't turn my anxious energy into something productive. 3. Maybe I'll lose some weight with my change in appetite?
One great thing today was my walk with my friend Rachael. I met her through school and it turns out her husband and my soon to be husband have a lot in common also, so we have resolved for the four of us to get together. It would be great to have a good couple friend.
All of this work and possibility of moving is making me feel unsettled, anxious, and uncomfortable. I need to find a way to calm down, refocus, and more forward. My neck is tense and the movie Inside Out made me ball my eyes out and feel melancholic. Fuck this noise.
I have a few thoughts on all of this: 1. Let's hope I'm not pregnant. 2. Tonight needs to be the last night I don't turn my anxious energy into something productive. 3. Maybe I'll lose some weight with my change in appetite?
One great thing today was my walk with my friend Rachael. I met her through school and it turns out her husband and my soon to be husband have a lot in common also, so we have resolved for the four of us to get together. It would be great to have a good couple friend.
Friday, July 17, 2015
The Gentrified Urban Planner
Trainwreck was everything I was hoping for. Amy Schumer is my comedic hero. It is truly incredible how much I identify with her and some of the characters she writes. As an old person, I will never be devoid of stories from my youth to revel in, that's for sure...
Andrew is coming home tomorrow. I am excited to see him. He annoyed me with his phone skills earlier today. It was frustrating considering how much I was finding myself liking him since he's been gone.
I found a black, white, and hot pink striped dress that I desperately want. It reminds me of a Kate Spade look for considerably less than an actual Kate Spade look.
...And I paused for a minute to go complete the purchase of the above mentioned dress...I hope it fits! I love it SOOOOO much!!!
Continuing-
I don't think I truly understood at what level I actually enjoy quiet solitude in my home. When no one is picking at me or saying things that upset me or just not noticing that I put a lot of effort into my look but instead noticing that one or two cat hairs from the fucking cats that I did not bring into this marriage are on me in a place I never would have seen... But I diverge. Moments like these are worth their weight in gold for my psyche. I am sitting, legs spread, computer in front, drinking red wine, writing, and listening to Thelonious Monk, in bed. This moment was brought to me by a warm summer night and a fiance on a motorcycle adventure. This moment was also brought to me by having grown up a lot in how I view being separated from my partner. Younger me would be devastated by the past few weeks. I like older me better than younger me. I am super happy to be who I am today and that is saying a lot for me.
We have a new landlord. I'm pretty sure this landlord usually does not renew leases on recently acquired properties. At least that's the gist I have gotten when they have acquired other properties and done renovations sans tenants. I was completely prepared to sign another 2 year lease here and I'm pretty sure our plans will have to change. I wouldn't mind trying a new neighborhood on for size but it would be sad to leave the one I that rescued me and made me a whole and unbroken human again. This place feels like home. I guess this is what gentrification feels like...
Andrew is coming home tomorrow. I am excited to see him. He annoyed me with his phone skills earlier today. It was frustrating considering how much I was finding myself liking him since he's been gone.
I found a black, white, and hot pink striped dress that I desperately want. It reminds me of a Kate Spade look for considerably less than an actual Kate Spade look.
...And I paused for a minute to go complete the purchase of the above mentioned dress...I hope it fits! I love it SOOOOO much!!!
Continuing-
I don't think I truly understood at what level I actually enjoy quiet solitude in my home. When no one is picking at me or saying things that upset me or just not noticing that I put a lot of effort into my look but instead noticing that one or two cat hairs from the fucking cats that I did not bring into this marriage are on me in a place I never would have seen... But I diverge. Moments like these are worth their weight in gold for my psyche. I am sitting, legs spread, computer in front, drinking red wine, writing, and listening to Thelonious Monk, in bed. This moment was brought to me by a warm summer night and a fiance on a motorcycle adventure. This moment was also brought to me by having grown up a lot in how I view being separated from my partner. Younger me would be devastated by the past few weeks. I like older me better than younger me. I am super happy to be who I am today and that is saying a lot for me.
We have a new landlord. I'm pretty sure this landlord usually does not renew leases on recently acquired properties. At least that's the gist I have gotten when they have acquired other properties and done renovations sans tenants. I was completely prepared to sign another 2 year lease here and I'm pretty sure our plans will have to change. I wouldn't mind trying a new neighborhood on for size but it would be sad to leave the one I that rescued me and made me a whole and unbroken human again. This place feels like home. I guess this is what gentrification feels like...
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Discovering My Future
I think self-reflection at the end of the day will be something I focus more closely on. Sometimes I just need to decompress.
Work for example. I am in charge of navigating the creation of my position and the direction it will go and I have no idea how to approach this and consequently I feel a little lost and intimidated. Add to this the fact that I will be starting classes again and I don't feel like it was fair that I had to ask them this and they never really communicated this to me when they hired me. I guess you could say I'm feeling a little jaded. It is possible that at a maturity and knowledge level, I am just not prepared to take on the responsibility that comes with defining my own job title. I desire the opportunity to learn from someone with more experience.
Which leads me to the possibility of a new work opportunity. I have been asked to apply for a position with my former boss that will give me a $20,000 wage increase should I be offered the position. And there is no way in hell I would not accept the offer if it came. It would also come with education reimbursement, a bus pass for me and Andrew, a guaranteed work load, and work that I am more familiar with and truly enjoy doing. The bad news is, if I didn't get the position, I would need to find a way to continue a professional relationship with my mentor if he doesn't hire me. If he does hire me, I will have to tell my current employer who gave me a huge chance and opportunity that I will not be working for the anymore. But damn, $67,000 a year at this stage in my career would be fucking phenomenal. I feel very honored to have even been asked to apply. It seems like I have felt honored and humble quite a bit this summer. I think this means I have found my calling.
After a night of sleep, I feel better about marriage and stuff. Andrew really is the right guy for me in so many ways. He really has opened up entire new worlds to me.
To be honest, I am thankful for every romantic interaction I have had with every man I have interacted with for the same reasons. Had I stayed in the relationship with my high school sweetheart, the one whose friendship loss kills me, I would not be who I am today. Maybe this is why I desire friendships with these people. I wish Andrew didn't feel so threatened by friendships with men I used to love. But I do understand.
Work for example. I am in charge of navigating the creation of my position and the direction it will go and I have no idea how to approach this and consequently I feel a little lost and intimidated. Add to this the fact that I will be starting classes again and I don't feel like it was fair that I had to ask them this and they never really communicated this to me when they hired me. I guess you could say I'm feeling a little jaded. It is possible that at a maturity and knowledge level, I am just not prepared to take on the responsibility that comes with defining my own job title. I desire the opportunity to learn from someone with more experience.
Which leads me to the possibility of a new work opportunity. I have been asked to apply for a position with my former boss that will give me a $20,000 wage increase should I be offered the position. And there is no way in hell I would not accept the offer if it came. It would also come with education reimbursement, a bus pass for me and Andrew, a guaranteed work load, and work that I am more familiar with and truly enjoy doing. The bad news is, if I didn't get the position, I would need to find a way to continue a professional relationship with my mentor if he doesn't hire me. If he does hire me, I will have to tell my current employer who gave me a huge chance and opportunity that I will not be working for the anymore. But damn, $67,000 a year at this stage in my career would be fucking phenomenal. I feel very honored to have even been asked to apply. It seems like I have felt honored and humble quite a bit this summer. I think this means I have found my calling.
After a night of sleep, I feel better about marriage and stuff. Andrew really is the right guy for me in so many ways. He really has opened up entire new worlds to me.
To be honest, I am thankful for every romantic interaction I have had with every man I have interacted with for the same reasons. Had I stayed in the relationship with my high school sweetheart, the one whose friendship loss kills me, I would not be who I am today. Maybe this is why I desire friendships with these people. I wish Andrew didn't feel so threatened by friendships with men I used to love. But I do understand.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Late Night Ponderings
I am wondering if there ever comes a point where everything is just good all at the same time. A few years back, I was living a very fun and adventure filled life, I was happy with my weight and my body, but I had no money, no solid relationship, and was very lost. Now, I'm in a satisfactory (albeit far from perfect) relationship, I'm getting married, I won a very prestigious scholarship, I have graduated, I have a decently paying job and all in all things are good. However, I looked at a photo of me in my wedding dress and all I could think was "wow, look at that whale." I don't see that when I just look in the mirror. Why do I see that as I study a photo of myself- a photo I should be damn excited for. I am wearing a gorgeous dress that I will wear to commit myself to another human for as long as we can make this shit work (presumably a lifetime).
Instinctively I know that if I fail to love and respect myself at whatever size I happen to be rocking this fine day, what reason do other people have to love and respect me? But the voice of my family and people from my past reminding me how much of my self worth and their love is wrapped up in me being a smaller woman. I have internalized this and it creates one hell of a personal conflict between strong, smart, capable, confident me, and the girl who was constantly reminded of how hot she would be if she were skinny. The girl whose family was most proud when she came home having lost a few pounds. It's pretty fucked up.
And why can't I just be content? It makes me uncomfortable to feel content. I spent a good week feeling completely in love with my fiance (who happens to be out of town at the moment which I'm sure plays no small role in my increased affection) and happy with my job and my apartment and my life. But give me nothing but wine for dinner and a full day of anxiety like I haven't felt since I moved back here from Washington and you bet your bottom dollar I will find a way to question every single decision I have ever made, including matrimony. I mean, the man can't even tell me why he wants to marry me which is probably more of a personality flaw and less him not having actual reasons he wants to marry me but it bothers me none the less.
People who believe in "the one" are fooling themselves. Maybe I have just been lucky enough to love deeply and profoundly with more than "the one." To know that I must give up that deep and profound love for anyone other than Andrew is something I haven't completely found comfort in, yet. Have I felt all the emotions I will ever feel? Am I done feeling new emotions? I am happy to know the thrill of a first kiss and excitement of falling in love and the satisfaction of sleeping with someone new and sad to know I probably should avoid feeling those things ever again in this lifetime. It is like I am literally signing away the thrill of youth when I legally marry.
And this isn't to say I am considering not going through with this. I think it's completely natural to feel this way at this stage. Fuck if I will talk to anyone, though. Lord knows someone would say some stupid shit like "If you're not completely sure, your marriage is doomed to fail" because some Dr. Phil-like hack went on Oprah that one time they watched and said some stupid and short-sighted shit like that. Good lord, can we just talk about our concerns and fears like grown-ups who understand that human emotion is complicated?
And who can I talk to about these things? No one tells you that the deep and profound love you haven't let go of doesn't magically disappear when you agree to be someone's wife. No one tells you how to navigate the difficult parts of staying monogamous, only that you MUST, at all costs keep that shit in your pants. I don't think I am built for contentedness. Luckily I have a career in which a desire to do and be more can be fulfilled. But I have committed myself to one man, in one city, having a certain life and there is small part of me who wonders if that isn't a mistake. It is overshadowed by a large part of me who loves my city and the man who moved here to share a life with me. So I suppose time marches on and I was always good at staying in step with the band.
I suppose everything is okay, I just don't function without the smallest proportion of uncertainty and contentedness. It is a personality flaw I will live with.
Instinctively I know that if I fail to love and respect myself at whatever size I happen to be rocking this fine day, what reason do other people have to love and respect me? But the voice of my family and people from my past reminding me how much of my self worth and their love is wrapped up in me being a smaller woman. I have internalized this and it creates one hell of a personal conflict between strong, smart, capable, confident me, and the girl who was constantly reminded of how hot she would be if she were skinny. The girl whose family was most proud when she came home having lost a few pounds. It's pretty fucked up.
And why can't I just be content? It makes me uncomfortable to feel content. I spent a good week feeling completely in love with my fiance (who happens to be out of town at the moment which I'm sure plays no small role in my increased affection) and happy with my job and my apartment and my life. But give me nothing but wine for dinner and a full day of anxiety like I haven't felt since I moved back here from Washington and you bet your bottom dollar I will find a way to question every single decision I have ever made, including matrimony. I mean, the man can't even tell me why he wants to marry me which is probably more of a personality flaw and less him not having actual reasons he wants to marry me but it bothers me none the less.
People who believe in "the one" are fooling themselves. Maybe I have just been lucky enough to love deeply and profoundly with more than "the one." To know that I must give up that deep and profound love for anyone other than Andrew is something I haven't completely found comfort in, yet. Have I felt all the emotions I will ever feel? Am I done feeling new emotions? I am happy to know the thrill of a first kiss and excitement of falling in love and the satisfaction of sleeping with someone new and sad to know I probably should avoid feeling those things ever again in this lifetime. It is like I am literally signing away the thrill of youth when I legally marry.
And this isn't to say I am considering not going through with this. I think it's completely natural to feel this way at this stage. Fuck if I will talk to anyone, though. Lord knows someone would say some stupid shit like "If you're not completely sure, your marriage is doomed to fail" because some Dr. Phil-like hack went on Oprah that one time they watched and said some stupid and short-sighted shit like that. Good lord, can we just talk about our concerns and fears like grown-ups who understand that human emotion is complicated?
And who can I talk to about these things? No one tells you that the deep and profound love you haven't let go of doesn't magically disappear when you agree to be someone's wife. No one tells you how to navigate the difficult parts of staying monogamous, only that you MUST, at all costs keep that shit in your pants. I don't think I am built for contentedness. Luckily I have a career in which a desire to do and be more can be fulfilled. But I have committed myself to one man, in one city, having a certain life and there is small part of me who wonders if that isn't a mistake. It is overshadowed by a large part of me who loves my city and the man who moved here to share a life with me. So I suppose time marches on and I was always good at staying in step with the band.
I suppose everything is okay, I just don't function without the smallest proportion of uncertainty and contentedness. It is a personality flaw I will live with.
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