Self Worth and New Experience

Well... Daniel turned out to be a bit of a douche waffle with no follow through.  I kind of think he is still really into me but I'm not going to commit myself or my time to anyone who isn't obviously super into me.  Andrew made me feel like I was constantly begging to be wanted and loved and I will not be going down that road again.  Fuck that.

I have decided to sell and move back downtown.  I don't like living this far away from everything and this house was built for an entirely different life that I am no longer living.  It and everything in it that reminds me of the great disappointment that was my marriage must go.

2017 will be about taking on the life I have always wanted.  I will be getting an apartment either in the Highlands or Cap Hill, I will be traveling to places I have always wanted to see, going to see the shows even on school nights and enjoying the hell out of this opportunity I have to make my life my own again.  I don't want to disappear into another person ever again.  If I want to go do something I should go do it.

I went to a movie by myself tonight.  It was one of the most profoundly beautiful and poignant films I have ever seen and combined with the score that cut right through my heart the whole experience left me with an incredible sense of grief.  It was perfect. I tackled dining out alone the last time I was single, this time I will tackle movies, concerts, and travel alone.

I met a boy on OKC I kind really think might be a good match.  We haven't met in person yet but he seems incredibly promising.  My parents will hate his gauges ears but I don't care.  I think he is incredible and sweet and attentive and hopefully will continue to be excited to see me as this continues.  We might go to Jamaica next month if our chemistry is as strong in person.  I truly hope it is. 

Dating is tiresome.  It has only been a few months and I am over it.  If neither Darren nor Damon work out (apparently I've got a thing for two syllable D names all of a sudden?) I am going to just take care of me for a while.  I like my solitude and dating takes so much damn energy I could be devoting to more worthwhile and less stressful things.  The only problem I foresee with that is getting laid but I'm sure I can figure something out there too.  

How Did I Get Here?

My entire world has been turned upside down since the last time I wrote.  After reading my last post I have a renewed strength in believing that I made the right decision to leave.  I never imagined I would find myself here. 

My heart hurts.  It burns with hatred and resentment to the man who promised me he would grow with me and love me and failed me in ways I suppose I always knew he might. 

And my heart hurts because I found a man who matches me intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  And I have only spent really 2 weeks chatting on and off with him and a weekend wrapped in his perfect arms.  And I am crazy about him.  I had no intention of falling in love.  At least not before the ink on my divorce papers had dried.  And here I am falling hard and fast.  And it fucking terrifies me.  He terrifies me.  How would someone so perfect for me just fall out of nowhere and pick my smile out of the concert crowd and come talk to me and be so incredible?  That is not a thing that happens.  This is romantic comedy bullshit. 

And I keep waiting for him to not be as crazy about me as I am about him.  Because that is the history of me falling for boys.  And they certainly are never willing to talk to me about feelings.  He will talk to me about feelings without assuming I am trying to con him into marrying me which is never the intention of talking about feelings for me.  But if I'm going to invest my time and feelings in you I like to make sure I am not wasting my time or breaking my own heart and he meets me halfway there!  How is that even remotely possible?

I thought for sure this was Chris and I's time.  How could it not be?  I had pined for Chris through nearly my entire relationship with Andrew.  And we reconnected and were having a blast.  But his life is a disaster beyond disaster.  And while I love him as a friend, I can't let my heart fall for a man who is very likely addicted to cocaine.  There are too many red flags with that boy. 

But I don't regret any of it! How could I?  My marriage led me back to Chris which led me to that concert which led me to meeting the man of my dreams.  I.  Am.  Smitten. 

He has the power to break my heart and it scares me to trust him not to.  I keep trying to convince myself all the reasons why he couldn't possibly like me the way he says he does.  So for now I am working on just enjoying this moment of bliss with him.  And like with anyone, he could absolutely break my heart.  But I could break his just as easily.  For now I will just be in this unbelievable moment with this incredible man.