On finally letting go

Tomorrow, I have a date with someone who has lived up to nearly all of my man of my dreams list. It would take a considerable amount for him to fuck up this date. And all it took was for me to let go of the one thing that was holding me back, DLR. So. In this moment, I can truly say that I have let it go. I was being strung along like a little puppy and I'm so glad I realized it and walked away. It was the best gift I could give myself. It could have been so much worse. I wish I knew why my cycle is late. I had a pregnancy test at the doctor and it came back negative and I haven't had sex since my last period but it's still alarming! I have all the symptoms and no blood. I am so excited about tomorrow, I can hardly think about sleeping.

I have to sleep, I have to wake up early and make myself presentable for my first impression.

Tebow is a dipshit

It seems like my cooking has improved, dramatically, in the last year. My chicken soup and zucchini chocolate chip cookie are phenomenal. The cookie was my recipe, since I modified the recipe I had and the soup is too. It's amazing I'm not any fatter than I am. I thought about Chris less today. And I didn't cry at all. I also went for a run. I'm in much better shape than I thought I would be, apparently all the walking I do is making a significant difference. Tim Tebow is my least favorite person, at the moment. What an ass to believe that if there was a God that said God would take time out of his/her busy day to help fucking pro football. Fuck that. He is an asshole. I like Tim Tebow less than I like Chris. It has been a really therapeutic 4 day weekend. Tomorrow begins my last 5 day week before I start working part time. I don't know how I'm going to pull enough money out of my ass in the next few weeks to pay for my glasses and my text books but I always seem to scrape by. I'm so thankful that I'm resourceful and creative. This is why I survive. Runner's cough is clearing the shit out of my lungs. It's fantastic. And Sunday night is a good television night. I am feeling good. I am okay and everything will be okay.

So, Tell Me, Where's The Flaw In That

It occurred to me, just now, that you are simply a newer rendition of my old story. You are a newer combination of the exes who fucked my shit up. But isn't that what finding someone is about? You keep trying different combinations of the characteristics that you liked in your previous men and you try and combine them into the person you are looking for. And you were so close. What scares me, is that I found the same characteristic that has ended all of my relationships. You don't appreciate me until I'm gone. This is evident in all the times you asked me to come back when I called things off. It doesn't seem as though you will this time. But what I said to you was intensely personal and a little mean. But I needed to make a point. This is the story of my life. Having to be mean in the very end to get you to go away; what is that all about? When will I find the man who appreciates what he has in the present? I am really an amazing woman. I'm attentive, I low key and don't require loads of attention, I am beautiful and funny and intelligent, I have an incredible future ahead of me, I have a big, open heart, I'm giving, mothers love me, I have good taste, I can dress for a cocktail party or for an afternoon painting the shed, I can grow herbs in the backyard and keep your stomach full of fantastic food, I'm an amazing lover, with a healthy sexual appetite, I have friends who adore me, a family who stands behind me, I'm financially independent, I'm friendly and likable and I'm a great asset when you need someone to stand up for you, I don't back down from a fight I truly believe in, I'm adventurous, athletic, I have nearly perfect skin and fantastic curves and amazing sex appeal. I am someone's dream woman. What is wrong with the men I seem to be able to find? Why am I not enough for them? Maybe it's that the caliber of men I choose see me as too much for them. Regardless, I will sleep alone, again, tonight. And again tomorrow night. But I will fall asleep knowing that I did not settle on someone who causes me to throw a pan across the room in tears because he makes me feel awful about myself when he disrespects what I have asked in return for myself. I will fall asleep knowing that I didn't marry the man who caused me to lose who I am, gain 40 lbs and feel desperate and alone, and I will fall asleep knowing that the boy who inspired a bout of bullemia that I still struggle with, is not sleeping next to me. I am alone. But I am not with someone who causes me hurt. And alone is always a better option, even when it seems so painful. I have to remember that I am not the only one who feels like I have not found my partner in life, because he is out there feeling exactly as I am. And we are together in knowing that when we wake up tomorrow, we will still be searching for each other.

It would be fantastic if we could go ahead and move into the new year and into my future.

That Does Describe a Vampire

It's really important that you not make an attempt to come back into my life, right now. I would take you back in a millisecond. And I know that this is not a good thing to do. You, sir are a fucking 95% match according to okc's algorithm. And I know this in real life, too. I hate that I had to get rid of you. I hate that you couldn't be respectful enough to just say you weren't available that night or that you weren't interested in seeing me anymore? This whole thing is so dumb. If he really cared about me, he would fight for me. And clearly he's not. I have got to move on and yet somehow, when I look at dating anyone, I look at how I can replace him. How did I fall so far for that one? I'm really frustrated with myself about it. I put him in a position where he could hurt me and he didn't care enough not to. I might take benadryl and go to bed early. I'm having a mild bout of depression, I think. It's taking everything I have to stay awake and not just sleep until it's tomorrow. It's a struggle to continue to find things to make me happy right now. I will continue to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother and I will find a way to get through this. But OKC has got to stop showing me Chris and telling me what a great match we are. He is the only one who doesn't get that.

Blessed

I really want someone to hold me right now and kiss me. I want to feel good about a boy. I am okay. I feel okay. But I also feel a little lost and scared and unsure of the future. The year will be ending in a few weeks and it scares the hell out me. What is going to happen in the next year? It seems impossible that all I went through in the last year could have possibly happened and another year of so much activity scares me. It's beyond me that I have survived the last year and it's exhausting to consider having to do it again. It was tumultuous and exciting and painful and fun and strange. How do I stay strong? When do I get to back down and not have to stand so tall? Behind the scenes, I'm a disaster, a hot mess, one wrong look away from falling apart. I'm doing so much by myself and I don't think I can survive this.

Abandoned Pompeii

I'm really struggling with missing the good things. He was so much fun and such a good guy to hang out with when we were together. He was nearly perfect but his one bad defining character is one that I know that when I'm faced with it in a relationship, I can't deal with it. I know enough about myself to know that communication is not something I can compromise on. I also know that if you reject any sexual advance from me, without really good explanation, I will stop wanting to have sex with you, period. And he was headed in that direction. He doesn't really serve much of a purpose in my life if I have no inclination to sleep with him. The whole thing is a great source of frustration and disappointment for me. I wish I wouldn't have had to have called things off. I'm so angry with him for fucking up a good thing. I didn't ask him for a relationship. I just asked him to communicate with me. And he didn't, even after our last conversation and I find that to be a great sign of disrespect. I'll get over it. It feels like a breakup. And in a way it is. But sometimes it's better to hurt less now than hurt in a big way later.

Meant to be together, but not that night.

So here's the deal. I have two years to work towards my goal of New York. I finally have a clear path and goal ahead of me. It's filled with excitement and fantastic journeys. I just had to fall on my ass, wipe the tears out of my eyes and stand back up to see it again. Opportunity and my ability to posses it are my greatest assets in life. By living my life according to the law of anecdotal value and always choosing that path that will lead to the best story, in the end I will never regret a single moment in my life. And up to this point, I do not regret even the smallest decision in my life. I like the person I am and wouldn't trade the experiences I've had to be anyone else. And maybe I can't find love in my life because I'm looking in all the wrong places and maybe the love of my life is already in my life and I just haven't had the opportunity to really get to know him yet. Either way it doesn't matter because the love of my life will understand that I didn't find him right away. I will have the rest of my life to spend with the love of my life because I will not have settled on anyone less than he and will never need to divorce and try again. My discretion and inability to settle is one of the best things I can do for myself.

I do not want kids. I don't want to go through the act of being pregnant. I do want to be a positive influence on a child's life but I don't want to bring a child into this earth.

I want to be done with school before 30. I want to make at least $80,000 a year in my career and it needs to have at least 6 weeks of paid vacation with a good work/life balance. I want to live near water, because it calms me the beauty provides me with great inspiration and reminds me to be thankful. I want a garden, with herbs and grasses and flowers and vegetables. I want a little car and savings account and trip to somewhere new every year. I want someone in my life who loves me unconditionally, is patient and kind. I will never regret not sleeping with enough men or having the right experiences. I will have no regrets going into a lifetime partnership with a man. I will have my education and my career and my goals and ambitions and I will have a fantastic life. And I will do it without having committed myself to a lifetime with a man who never adored me. I am my own best advocate. I've never once successfully done something the way someone else wants me to. I blaze my own trail and I do things my way.

I am okay.

Share The Love Event

I think I'm on the precipice of depression. It's likely that I am going to retreat into myself very, very deeply and very, very, soon. I can't handle the way I'm feeling today. I cried nearly all day. What am I going to do with myself? I have got to get it together. I can not sustain throwing up every single night. It can't be good for me. I could use some love right now. I really need someone to reach out to me and love me unconditionally and I realize that I am the only person whom I can expect this from. I feel like I'm going to be a mess for the rest of time.

Fuck this. I am okay. I don't need DLR to apologize. He's a douchebag, and douchebags have no idea how to be decent human beings. I can't hold that against him. Emily can be ruthless with her honesty sometimes. Clearly she is not that concerned that she really hurt me with what she said earlier. She has better things to do. I can't blame her. I met Patrick one night and though it was a great night, it's ludicrous to think that there is actually a future for us and even more ridiculous to believe that he would come to visit me. I don't hold that proclamation with much credence. My job sucks but it's temporary. I'm smart, very smart and I will do big things with my life; starting with my education. I don't need company to feel better tonight. I have benedryl and that's the next best thing to having a friend to help me feel better. Nothing hurts me or makes me insignificant or terrible when I'm sleeping. Mostly because I rarely remember my dreams. Tomorrow is a new day and it's my Friday. Everything will be okay.

SO. TIRED!

I almost feel liberated from DLR. He doesn't have the power to make me crazy or fretful or angry anymore. I nearly feel as though a celebration is in order. I am planning on an internship in New York between undergrad and grad school. Things are going to be good, really good. I will be okay.


I want to come to a point, with myself, where I am content. I still feel the sting of the end of dlr. And I know that it will pass. But this loneliness thing. I have to be able to be by myself. Happy, by myself. Is it possible that the ping of loneliness in the back of my being could pass without being filled?

And since I desperately need to revaluate what I'm looking for in a relationship partner, some time alone would be good for me.

My type- Skinny/muscular, pot smoking, snowboarding, liberal, book nerd, indie-music loving, non-communicative, demeaning, assholes.

How do I keep the book nerd, liberal, indie-music loving, outdoorsy guy without having the non-communicative asshole for the ride? Does this person exist? I don't think it does. It doesn't seem possible. Even the guys who are not my type keep turning out to be assholes. Maybe my type is simply asshole. I should let someone else be in charge of picking my boys. Clearly it's not something I'm very talented at. FML.

Grasping The Universe As It Is

I feel better. Every moment that you do not contact me, I feel like I heal a bit more. I feel stronger. This is a fantastic opportunity to continue to improve my life. My hair is dark, my ass is smaller, I am a new woman. This is why I recognize that dlr is toxic. Because I have learned what I expect and deserve in my life. My apartment is scrubbed and clean, I ate an incredible dinner because I know how to cook incredible food. I am blessed. I will be ending my game with dlr because I don't need to beat him at a stupid game to know that I am better than what he can offer me. I am okay alone. I am good alone. I have my tea am occupying the entire couch, am able to fart if I want and watch my girly fairy tale show without a boy trying to grope me or making me feel inferior. When I go to bed, tonight, I will be able to sleep on whichever side I want to sleep on. I will be able to lay in any position and take up as much of the bed as I see fit. All I can do, right now, is make my life exactly what it should be. In the next month I want to see a therapist and start yoga in addition to the school schedule I will also be starting. I truly believe that those two things will make significant difference in my life. I will be okay.

"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."
Carl Sagan

Not Answering My Phone

Wow today is difficult. It's a grounding moment when I can't shake how angry I am. I can't decide if I'm angry just at you or at every single guy whom has put me in a position to feel unwanted. I get that I have got to see the good side. And for the most part I do. I have many good friends and that's not something many people are fortunate enough to say. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and enough leftover in my bank account to purchase a few Christmas gifts. I have parents who love me and potential to do amazing things with my life. I am enrolled in a program I finally feel is a fitting life decision for me, I live in a city with a thriving and developing scene in the field of work I want to do and it's a city I've come to love dearly. I have had an opportunity to find love in my life, short lived and damaging as it is. I have learned who I am through the mistakes I have made and now is just one of those moments that I will emerge from stronger and more confident but the actual act of getting to that point is so painful. And I can't tell who I'm angry with. I'm angry at Austin for choosing a girlfriend who does not seem to even remotely measure up to me over me. I'm angry and Chris 1 for the Michele shit he pulled after we broke up, I'm angry with the man who raped me and I was too unsure of what had happened to make sure he was punished. I'm mad at Andrew for breaking me in ways I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fix. He made me feel lost and insignificant, like I didn't have anything going for me, that there was nothing correct about me, nothing I did was ever enough.  Which leads me to Chris 2. Whose shit is so fucked up he made me feel like he would be a good addition to my life. He is manipulating with his mixed signals. He caused me to feel like all the progress I had made since Andrew was gone. I was completely honest and up front about him needing to walk away if there was not a future for us. And he didn't. He just led me on then ignored me then led me on and ignored me. All the while making me question whether I was crazy. It was a mind game. I was making all of the concessions, yet again, with my romantic interest. At least I recognized it early. Maybe not early enough but certainly not years into an invested relationship. I'm making steps in the right direction but it doesn't help me feel any less devastated that Chris seemed like a perfect match for me except that he didn't respect me. Which is why I can't go after my type any more. My type has failed me over and over again. Clearly it's not a good decision to go back to that type of guy again. But how do I relearn what I'm attracted to?

On ranting and raving in concern to the asshole formerly known as Chris.

In lieu of sending you a nasty gram I just want to take a moment to tell you I think you're a mildly retarded fuck wad, shit for brains, cock-sucking ball sack no good mother fucker.

That is all.

I would say that I hope you someday understand what you threw away but that would indicate that i give a shit and I don't. At least I give less of a shit to the point that I can pretend as though I don't give a shit. Clearly if I truly didn't care, I wouldn't even go through the motions of writing this blog. However, I need to stay strong and resist the temptation to give you any indication that I am thinking about you. I am playing words with friends because it feels good to destroy you in every single game. I want you to ask me to come back so I can tell you to go fuck yourself. I want to disappear in a way that is mysterious, leaving you wondering whatever happened to the best thing that ever happened to you. Because quite frankly, my dear, you may have been my first choice but you were certainly not my only choice. And I choose not to have you near enough to me that I feel crazy and unappreciated and compulsive, and angry and disrespected. In fact, I can not remember a single good emotion that was inspired by you in the last two weeks. You tipped the good-bad scale all the way to I can't do this anymore.

I wish I had an indication of why you are such a dip shit, good for nothing asshole.

Go Fuck Yourself, De La Rosa; the end.

I gave my last fuck about you, yesterday; it's unfortunate you were unavailable to take advantage of it. My rejected vagina does not forget. She does not open for boys who ignore her and if I'm not having sex with you, you no longer serve a purpose in my life other than frustration. I have no use for further frustration in my life. When you made me feel the same way I felt with Andrew I knew that it was time to stop, look around, and realize the road with you is not the road for me. I promised myself that I would never let another man fuck my shit up like that and yet here you were, fucking my shit up like that. And what kind of person am I if I can not even keep an important promise I made with myself; a compromise for coming back home, to a place I swore up and down I would never return to. Upon coming back here I promised myself to make things different for me. I promised that I would find a man who was nothing less than crazy about me. I promised myself that I would not yearn for anything or any person who did not 100% want me. What's the point? There are 7 billion people in this world. Why on earth should I sit around and let one more of you fuck my shit up? There is no longer anything in it for me. I get that she hurt you. I get that you have to heal from that. But, quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's no excuse to do that to another person, a person who could have loved you like no one else. So you will go your own way now, with out me. Because you no longer hold a place in my heart. The minute I felt the way I felt when I was with Andrew I knew for certain that you are not a good idea and I have officially been given what I need to close my heart to you. Please don't call me, don't text me, don't friend request me or come by here when there is a chance I might be here. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear your voice or have any indication that we are even within range of each other. You do not respect me enough to have a place in my life and I am done. You broke me last night. And there was not much left to break. I no longer want anything to do with my type. My type sucks.

Plans for the evening.

Whoa buddy. Since that jackass doesn't seem to understand that by not responding my asking him to have sex with me, he is putting himself in the precarious position of me never wanting to have sex with him again I would like to make a toast to what I intend to make of my night and well, most of my weekend. Tonight I have planned a spectacular evening of whiskey shots until I no longer feel feelings. And should I not pass out before I'm able to do so, I've planned a romantic tryst with my vibrator to end the evening. After which I will enjoy a nightcap of nyquil and pass out only for tomorrow morning to come well before I'm ready for it to come. I will revel in my hungover state in the morning, maybe taking the time to put on makeup before I stumble across the street for some coffee and into work for a breakfast burrito. For lunch I will enjoy the pasta that this evening, I have every intention of purging. After all, I was nearly successful in eating nothing today so why allow calories in tonight? I do want to lose weight after all right? And since I'm a fat kid at heart, throwing up my dinner works well for me. The good news is that now since I have removed your phone number from my phone I will no longer have the ability to break down and ask you for sex in the middle of the day.

2012, Here I Come

It's time that I really start to consider what I would like to accomplish in my next year. Maybe it would be helpful to examine what I was able to do with my life in the last year.

Last year's New Year's Resolution included the following goals:
What I want to do this year:
Go Ice Skating
Attend a poetry reading
Lose 20 more pounds
Run 5 miles
Take my bike more places
Get my camera out at least once a month
Spend at least one day a week outside
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
volunteer
Learn to make a food once a month
Expand my wardrobe/find an awesome little black dress
Write every single day
Stick to my budget
Learn to unconditionally love myself
Get a pedicure
See a play
go to the art museum
Give money to TAL

I lost an additional 7 pounds
I am planning to go ice skating in the next few weeks
I have gotten my camera out about once every two months
I spend much time outside everyday
I have sex nearly once a week
I have attempted a new recipe nearly once every two months
I have definitely expanded my wardrobe including my lbd.
I have written nearly every single day
I have stuck to my budget, for the most part
I went to the Art Museum
I donated to public radio
I learned to love myself unconditionally

Of what I didn't complete and/or would still like to work towards:
Attend a poetry reading
Get my camera out at least once a month
Run five miles
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
Volunteer
Learn to make a new recipe once a month
Write every single day
Lose another 10 pounds
Stick to my budget
Get a pedicure
Continue to learn my own nuances and quirks and continue to develop who I am and love myself unconditionally

In addition to what I will continue with I would like to add some new goals
Maintain an "A" average in my classes
Learn to shoot a gun
Go someplace I've never been before
Stop using my credit cards
Join a volleyball or softball team
Join the Economics society
Read one book per month for fun
Learn to make conversation with random strangers
Forgive every person who has wronged me
See live music once a month
See a therapist

So my list as a whole will look likes this:
Attend a poetry reading
Get my camera out at least once a month
Run five miles
Have sex at least once a week
Try a new food/wine once a month
Volunteer
Learn to make a new recipe once a month
Write every single day
Lose another 10 pounds
Stick to my budget
Get a pedicure
Continue to learn my own nuances and quirks and continue to develop who I am and love myself unconditionally
Maintain an "A" average in my classes
Learn to shoot a gun
Go someplace I've never been before
Stop using my credit cards
Join a volleyball or softball team
Join the Economics society
Read one book per month for fun
Learn to make conversation with random strangers
Forgive every person who has wronged me
See live music once a month
See a therapist
Buy a good bra
Learn to sing in front of people again.