It occurred to me, just now, that you are simply a newer rendition of my old story. You are a newer combination of the exes who fucked my shit up. But isn't that what finding someone is about? You keep trying different combinations of the characteristics that you liked in your previous men and you try and combine them into the person you are looking for. And you were so close. What scares me, is that I found the same characteristic that has ended all of my relationships. You don't appreciate me until I'm gone. This is evident in all the times you asked me to come back when I called things off. It doesn't seem as though you will this time. But what I said to you was intensely personal and a little mean. But I needed to make a point. This is the story of my life. Having to be mean in the very end to get you to go away; what is that all about? When will I find the man who appreciates what he has in the present? I am really an amazing woman. I'm attentive, I low key and don't require loads of attention, I am beautiful and funny and intelligent, I have an incredible future ahead of me, I have a big, open heart, I'm giving, mothers love me, I have good taste, I can dress for a cocktail party or for an afternoon painting the shed, I can grow herbs in the backyard and keep your stomach full of fantastic food, I'm an amazing lover, with a healthy sexual appetite, I have friends who adore me, a family who stands behind me, I'm financially independent, I'm friendly and likable and I'm a great asset when you need someone to stand up for you, I don't back down from a fight I truly believe in, I'm adventurous, athletic, I have nearly perfect skin and fantastic curves and amazing sex appeal. I am someone's dream woman. What is wrong with the men I seem to be able to find? Why am I not enough for them? Maybe it's that the caliber of men I choose see me as too much for them. Regardless, I will sleep alone, again, tonight. And again tomorrow night. But I will fall asleep knowing that I did not settle on someone who causes me to throw a pan across the room in tears because he makes me feel awful about myself when he disrespects what I have asked in return for myself. I will fall asleep knowing that I didn't marry the man who caused me to lose who I am, gain 40 lbs and feel desperate and alone, and I will fall asleep knowing that the boy who inspired a bout of bullemia that I still struggle with, is not sleeping next to me. I am alone. But I am not with someone who causes me hurt. And alone is always a better option, even when it seems so painful. I have to remember that I am not the only one who feels like I have not found my partner in life, because he is out there feeling exactly as I am. And we are together in knowing that when we wake up tomorrow, we will still be searching for each other.
It would be fantastic if we could go ahead and move into the new year and into my future.
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