Wow today is difficult. It's a grounding moment when I can't shake how angry I am. I can't decide if I'm angry just at you or at every single guy whom has put me in a position to feel unwanted. I get that I have got to see the good side. And for the most part I do. I have many good friends and that's not something many people are fortunate enough to say. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and enough leftover in my bank account to purchase a few Christmas gifts. I have parents who love me and potential to do amazing things with my life. I am enrolled in a program I finally feel is a fitting life decision for me, I live in a city with a thriving and developing scene in the field of work I want to do and it's a city I've come to love dearly. I have had an opportunity to find love in my life, short lived and damaging as it is. I have learned who I am through the mistakes I have made and now is just one of those moments that I will emerge from stronger and more confident but the actual act of getting to that point is so painful. And I can't tell who I'm angry with. I'm angry at Austin for choosing a girlfriend who does not seem to even remotely measure up to me over me. I'm angry and Chris 1 for the Michele shit he pulled after we broke up, I'm angry with the man who raped me and I was too unsure of what had happened to make sure he was punished. I'm mad at Andrew for breaking me in ways I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fix. He made me feel lost and insignificant, like I didn't have anything going for me, that there was nothing correct about me, nothing I did was ever enough. Which leads me to Chris 2. Whose shit is so fucked up he made me feel like he would be a good addition to my life. He is manipulating with his mixed signals. He caused me to feel like all the progress I had made since Andrew was gone. I was completely honest and up front about him needing to walk away if there was not a future for us. And he didn't. He just led me on then ignored me then led me on and ignored me. All the while making me question whether I was crazy. It was a mind game. I was making all of the concessions, yet again, with my romantic interest. At least I recognized it early. Maybe not early enough but certainly not years into an invested relationship. I'm making steps in the right direction but it doesn't help me feel any less devastated that Chris seemed like a perfect match for me except that he didn't respect me. Which is why I can't go after my type any more. My type has failed me over and over again. Clearly it's not a good decision to go back to that type of guy again. But how do I relearn what I'm attracted to?
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