Accentuated and Angular

I have not spoken to many people about this, simply because I do not wish to solicit advice or opinion that will go nowhere in my stubborn world.  When I've decided something is the right decision for me, I give zero cares about the opinions of the people around me.  In reality, the only opinions that could seriously function in convincing me to reconsider are those of my parents and even they know the effort is futile so they really have to feel strongly about something to offer unsolicited advice or opinion.  They barely offer it when asked.  I miss Andrew.  I miss him in a way I didn't believe to be possible.  What I need is a friend who will comfort my heart while it bares the loneliness of missing someone I can't be with, at least for the moment.  What I fear is I will have is a friend who will lecture why my heart is wrong and I will have to feel the necessity of defending the way I feel and I'm getting too old for that shit.  I feel the way I feel and fuck you if you think that's wrong.

Dating is not something that eludes me.  I have done A LOT of it.  I have found boy after boy who has fallen short in one way or another; in a constant state of each one falling short of what I knew I could expect from Andrew.  So I reached out to him, I wanted to see if things were different than when I left. And they are. SO much different.  Every single emotional support component that was missing has been fixed.  I think this comes with age, experiencing loss and growing empathy and maturity of emotion.  I don't pretend to think that things will be perfectly blissful.  But I recognize that he is finally willing to communicate openly with me and that is the one thing I begged for up until the end.  And he fixed it and he continues to improve it because he knows that it's important to me.  And it means every bit of the world to me.

My heart hurts because I don't have control of this situation other than to say what I won't tolerate and what I won't tolerate is moving from here or stopping school or a distance relationship.  So this leaves the power to make this thing happen in his hands.  He will either come here or he won't.  It is futile to worry about it now.  He couldn't come for a few months anyway.  I have some time to continue working on me physically and emotionally before we go down this road officially.  It gets lonely knowing there is someone out there who wants to be with me and it's not possible at the moment.  I simply do not want to rush into this thing either.  It's a huge commitment, not to be taken lightly.  Decisions do not need to be made tonight and it's in everyone's best interest to simply enjoy the ride.  I appreciate that maybe is an option.  Maybe is scary as hell but it gives everyone a chance to gain their footing before jumping into something huge.  People could stand to benefit from learning the value of maybe, or thinking things through and of slowing down, breathing and taking things one step and one day at a time.  Even I could in this scenario.

Things to be excited about

How do I achieve my goal of seeing the world?  It's important, when considering dreams that if they are truly something I would like to achieve, I should be making short term, achievable, specific goals with deadlines.  This is how you make your dreams come true.  

Now that I have my hazelnuts back, I was able to make my oat nut bread again.  mmmm...My favorite. 

I reached out to my dad to help me build this amazing bar/kitchen cart.  He seems legitimately excited to help me with this project.  He suggested I go with painted PVC plumbing instead of metal to save some money.  And, I suppose if I decide someday that I'd like to redo the project with metal it wouldn't be hard to disassemble the plastic and remake it with metal.  Yesterday afternoon, I got lost in time for a few hours while I redesigned the cart to make it suit my needs by adding a shelf in the middle, removing the railings around the shelves and making the top shelf a butcher block that I'll be making also.  I'm also not going to be making the stemware holder, I'll simply purchase an under-the-counter mounted stemware holder and mount it to the bottom of the butcher block.  I'll post pictures when I've completed the project.  The whole thing will probably cost about $100.00 and will create 9 square feet of extra counter space for me.  There will also be a toaster oven in my future.  I can't go another summer without being able to cook in something that will not heat my entire apartment to the temperature of hell.  Also, in terms of energy consumption and being environmentally friendly, it's a better tool to be cooking with if I don't need all the space of the normal oven.  

Today I get to see Iris and Brian who are one of my favorite couples to hang out with.  Cooking brunch and then the Dragon Boat Festival will make for an eventful Sunday and a fun day.  

I hope the organization that puts on the 1940's balls will continue to do so. I'd really like to attend one, though maybe not the tiki one.  Which leads me to swing dancing, a hobby I would like to pick up.  Dancing, as a whole doesn't elude me.  I'm athletic and relatively graceful in movements but the type of dancing that we do when going to "the clubs" continues to elude me.  If I'm going to basically have a giant orgy on the dance floor then I might as well actually take part in a giant orgy on the dance floor and well, no thank you.  I like the structure and creativity that comes from traditional forms of dance and I think the energy of swing would be a huge benefit to my life.  

My favorite bits of summer are on the horizon.  My refrigerator is not packed full of the first bits of a garden harvest from home.  It makes me the "squeal with joy" type of happy to know harvest and canning season is on the horizon.  50 pounds of peaches will be here in a few weeks, chile peppers, corn, tomatoes, raspberries, green beans, okra, squash, pumpkins, oh my!  My apartment will soon be a jamming, pickling, preserving and freezing mecca.  At heart, I'm really just a big ol' country girl who loves her banjo twang, her neighborhood barbecue, her family traditions, and her garden harvests.  

Stories Matter

I wussed out on going for the tour at Union Station.  I made excuses for why I didn't want to go and psyched myself out.  I'm a little disappointed in myself over it.

Starting now, I'm planning to dramatically cut my discretionary spending.  Instead of spending little bits often, here and there I'm going to do a better job of saving for things that mean more to me.  Discipline is one thing I terribly lack and I think it's the next flaw of mine I'd like to work on correcting.  Discipline will come more easily with routine and routine will come with slowing down and being slightly less spontaneous.

The last few years have been defining beyond measure in who I am and what I value.  My adventures and crazy times have been innumerable, invaluable, fantastic story opportunities that to know I survived healthy, happy and completely in tact physically and emotionally is nearly unbelievable.

Oral storytelling should be a more celebrated art form.

I think I will sustain from going out more than once or twice per month and maybe my friends and I can learn to spend more time occupying each other's company from within the comfort and budget friendliness of our own homes.  I'm planning to make my apartment more friendly to accommodating guests for hosting dinner and game nights.

I would rather spend more money on healthy groceries than on-the-go tasteless foods.  But this also stems back discipline and planning.   I can do it. It's time to cut back on my lifestyle, and so far I'm enjoying the process of focussing and having more discipline.

Being alive and being a woman is all I got

This is such a beautiful, poignant film about the trials a woman is statistically predisposed to face in her life.  I recommend any woman, whether or not she has found herself if a compromised place in her life, to watch this.  It's poetry in film, it's life in poetry, it's purely and simply one of the most beautiful films I have seen.  Ever.

I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to join a women's support group.  How can we ever be okay with the things that have happened to us when we don't know that we are not alone?  1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted or raped at some point in her life.  25% of us.  This is a sobering statistic.  I am not alone, you are not alone and as long as we keep quiet about our experience, we never have the opportunity to change an experience for someone else.  I was raped.  It is hard for me to even semi-anonymously write this in a blog that very few read.  But it happened.  And it's taken me a very long time to come to terms with this experience in my life having not been my fault and not being a defining characteristic of who I am.  I am the sum of all of my experiences and how I have healed, not the sum of this one.  And though I still have episodes and triggers, I am okay, better, stronger.  It is so important to have meaningful relationships with women in our lives.  We come to better understand our own experiences through the sharing and hearing of others' experiences.

To Look Forward

I decided it is okay if I take longer to finish school because I believe it will be worth my time to finish my Econ minor.  I love Econ and I love studying subjects that interest me so adding a little time to my finish date is worth my while in this circumstance.

Today, my box came in the mail.  It was like getting whole new wardrobe, it made me very happy.  This whole day has made me very happy.  I slept until eight, cleaned up my apartment, did laundry, had lunch with Katrina, and got my box in the mail.  I also started planning my 2nd annual dinner party in the park, this time it will be much larger and my 2nd annual fall foliage drive with my mom.

So much to look forward to!  Health Insurance the 1st  Lunch with my family Saturday, bus pass on on the 6th, my tattoo on the 9th, loan check the following week, Rockies suite the 18th, Andrew is here Labor Day Weekend, dinner party the 16th, and fall drive the 23rd of September.

There is so much to look forward to and so much to be excited for in my life these days.  I am a very lucky girl.  And now I've also given myself more time to work on learning to enjoy running as well.  Things are really looking up for me.

Learning To Wear The Big Girl Pants

My body is malfunctioning at the moment and it's horrible and I wish it would go ahead and self-correct back to normal.  Anyway, on the subject of my body, I've decided I'd like it to be in much better shape. So starting tomorrow I'm going to begin the couch to 5k program.  It seems like a positive program to start with.

Tomorrow I will also attempt to finish my second reading of Gatsby.

With my life coming back into what feels like more of an equilibrium of social activity and personal time, I need to focus more on routine and discipline.  These two principles should help with my anxiety issues also.

Whenever someone asks my opinion about whether or not to make a big, scary jump into something in their lives I always tell them that if the only reason they are not doing it is it's too big or too scary then they don't have a good enough reason to not be doing it.  I found myself faced with a decision to try for something that is both big and scary, to me and was talking myself down from trying with a lack of confidence that I would have time or the ability to be successful in the program.  The only reason I wasn't applying is because it was too big and too scary so I gave myself a come to Jesus meeting about hypocrisy and applied.  Wish me luck!!!

Here is an excerpt about this big scary thing I'm referring to.

Metro Denver is emerging as THE learning laboratory for revitalizing our communities through the development of a multi-modal transportation infrastructure. NO ONE else in the nation is doing what we are here in Denver. Thanks to voter support of FasTracks in 2004, we will have more than 90 transit stations in the metro region by the end of this decade. FasTracks is the Denver metropolitan region’s most important public works project, and the area’s linchpin for regional livability and vitality far into the future.

The program will host a maximum of 60 participants over 7 weeks to discuss the complex linkages between transportation, community development and sustainability.   These complexities and their relationship to the goals of the Denver Metro Region are uncovered in the program through a variety of speakers from the development community, public health sector, municipal government, the Regional Transportation District and many more.

The cornerstone of this unique program is that participants will take their new knowledge and put it in action.  Each session will be designed to be very interactive and participants will be asked to follow-up each session with a homework assignment.  In addition, participants will spend a portion of each class designing their individual action plan that they will implement in their community upon completing the Academy.

The Transit Alliance Citizens’ Academy is limited to a class of 60 who will be selected on the basis of demonstrated leadership ability and commitment to make future contributions to transportation, community development, healthy living and improving the quality of life in Metro Denver.

I think it's the individual action plan that has me in a great deal of anxiety.  

Reflections

Trying something and failing, to me, is always better than doing nothing and still failing.  It concerns me that so many are fundamentally stuck and unwilling to compromise or attempt new ideas.

I think good city planning, or planning that encourages people to be out of the confines of their houses, will increase the respect we have for each other in the arena of public debate, conversation and legislation.

It makes little sense to me that we incentivize bad behavior like driving with so much public money to keep the gas tax low and add to our disgustingly large freeways.  It's bad policy.  It disgusts me that people get in their cars to drive less than a mile.  And I used to be that person.  It wears on the environment, in takes away an opportunity for you to be outside getting just a bit of exercise for 15 minutes and for what?  Convenience? Really?  So you can get home and sit on the couch and surf the internet for another hour of time while you don't make a healthy dinner for yourself or your family?  Energy to do things comes when you get in the habit of doing them.

This is also why I think cable television is a disgusting habit.  You have so many better entertainment options when you turn off the tv.  Go do something in your community.  Have iced tea on your front porch and say hello to your neighbors.  We are so phobic to other people that we forget that we are not the only people with needs.  We lose empathy for people we don't know because we fear them.

This is why I want to be a planner.  I want to contribute to the notion of well built communities that encourage behaviors that are opposite of the general suburbanite now.  I grew up in a real community.  People didn't like my political viewpoint but they had known me since I was a kid and respected that I had one.  And now I have this vast network of people all over the world who know someone who knows my parents and because of this connection would go out of their way to help a former NE Coloradan.  People are our allies, folks, not things to be feared.  Why shouldn't we help those who can't help themselves?  Why shouldn't there be a place for homeless people to go or non-stigmatized mental health options?  Why should someone else care what I do or don't put in my body and or if and or when I decide is a good time for me to have children.  I don't care what other people believe or practice so long as it does not affect me in any negative way.

In terms of the debate over Chick Fil A.  Yes, they are more than allowed to support whatever institution they see fit and yes I am allowed to decide to never eat there again, no I don't think a city should proactively keep a business from setting up shop and yes, Chick Fil A will be on the losing side of history.  Let the market drive them back out.

Gen Y'ers who are right around my age will be starting careers much later than previous generations, many will be underemployed for much of their lives and most of us will not have the earning potential that previous generations had because of the economy we graduated into.  Am I angry?  Damn right I'm angry.  But instead of bitching about how it's everyone else's fault, I go ahead and live my life within my means.  I appreciate people, I believe in building strong communities and I'm making the best of an unfortunate situation.  All those who had Grandparents you commented about doing things like saving tin foil and pennies because they grew up in the Depression, I will be that Grandmother because I came of age in the Great Recession.

But I will also have a greater appreciation for better times when this whole mess is over.  And it will end because that is the ebb and flow of an economy.  This one will find it's equilibrium and begin again to grow.  But do we have to be so awful to each other in the mean time?  Is it not already hard enough?  Come on people!!

And Everyday I'm Learning About You

Prom dresses just live in an infamous world of tacky.  They never cease to become less classy with every year of their existence.  They are ill designed and plastered with misplaced glitter and sequins and fit the bodies of their wearers quite awkwardly.

My box is en route from Seattle, this marks the finality of many things and as sad I am for the changes in my life, I am happy that I am finished with that saga.  It's time that I move my life forward from this part of my past.  I will be eternally grateful for my experiences, it's time to let go.

It's my goal to not spend any money throughout the course of this week.

Tonight would be lovely if I could get in a full eight hours of shut-eye.  Last night, my fan turned itself off and I woke up drenched in sweat, feeling as though I had spent a full six and half hours in a Sauna.

I should make some time to finish Gatsby and do some drawing before school starts.  My Union Station tour is coming up next week and I'm pretty sincerely excited about it.

My apartment bares the appearance of having had a tornado tear through it.  But standing on my feet for 8 hours makes me feet hurt on a level that limits my energies for things like eating and cleaning up my mess pit of an apartment.  Not to mention my general lack of sleep last night.  The last hour of work was very trying for me also.  My supervisor must assume I'm mildly retarded.

NPR music, NPR podcasts, NPR news, all of it, I'm an NPR fiend. I should donate more money to them when I'm working a big girl job.

I don't know if I would qualify myself as a full fledged liberal Democrat.  I have some very libertarian views concerning the tax code.

My body would desperately appreciate it if I went to sleep really soon.  Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment for a physical soon.

The Xx is possibly my new favorite band.

Don't Press Pause

Moonrise Kingdom was a beautiful, poignant film.  I'm really glad to have seen it.  The soundtrack, the edit of the footage, the story, the narration, all of it was on par with my expectations if not surpassed them.  I will likely purchase this one. 

I need to expand on my network.  It feels rather restricted, confined and non-inspirational.  I imagine couples' and game nights with Brian and Iris and Becca.  And I imagine going camping and hiking with the above mentioned people and Therese and Luke and I imagine movies in the park and ice skating in the winter and having a buddy to go snow boarding with.  Living alone is starting to feel really lonely.  Maybe it's just tonight.  I want to wake up with someone and make breakfast and have a lazy Sunday together.  We can take a swing dancing class together and meet new friends together, in the process.  We can go to places like Williams and Graham, South Broadway and the grocery store.  I want to make friends with my neighbors.  It makes me happy that when walking through my neighborhood I can expect to be cheerily greeted by 3 or 4 people also walking or sitting on front porches.  It increases my quality of life 10 fold.  I feel like I have nothing in common with people in my life anymore.  And I realize that I've covered about 6 different topics in this one paragraph, and yes, it bothers me grammatically as well.  

I need a big change.  I'm feeling massively claustrophobic about something.  Something is not right.  I put a big damper on my ability to just go and make big changes in my life by committing two years to myself in one place.  I will have to be creative about my sources of change.  

It seems like all the things I had complaints about with Andrew have gone away.  He communicates really well with me, he shares his feelings about things without being poked and prodded to do so, he is attentive my needs and likes and takes my recommendations seriously, he cares about having my work schedule so he knows when he can talk to me, he cares about what I want and he has had to take care of his own damn self for some time now and has a better understanding of what that is like.  I feel like he appreciates me more.  I've been burned by dreams in the past, I hope this fire does not do the same.  

"'Space' according to the Hitchhiker's guide is 'big'"

I'm really depressed about the state of humanity right at the moment.  Between reading that the cost of care and testing after a rape, without insurance is about $4000.00 and the shootings in Aurora and all the angry dialog afterwards, I'm just done with it all.

My sleep patterns are in a detrimental state of disrepair, currently.  After this week of craziness and highs and lows of emotions, I'm ready to just take the next month and just chill the eff out. Which is good because I anticipate being broker than broke for the next month.

It worries me that I'm doing all this work in school and I won't make anything of my life.  It's such a specialized course of study that I've chosen and I'm sure it's applicable in other non-specialized fields but my future freaks me out sometimes.  My post nap activities included looking at real estate listings in my neighborhood.  It's a realistic dream to own a home and have a career and a big girl life but I'm still stuck in a confusing moment between young adult and normal adult and somedays it's hard to imagine what my full fledged normal adult life will look like.  And maybe that is part of the fun in it, the not knowing.

My plant is growing out of control.  Apparently it likes the environment out of the shower better than the one in the shower.

Tomorrow I plan to do nothing and to read.  I caught up on some sleep with my nap, this afternoon.  I slept so hard that when I woke up I was sure it was tomorrow and it took me a good five or so minutes to figure out when I was.

I've realized that in order for me to start saving money and living more simply that I have got to say no to more invitations. I just have this complex that if I say no one time that I will never again be invited so I say yes to everything and end up broke and exhausted.  This will be my next personality flaw correction I will pursue.

Labor day can NOT come soon enough!

And I'm Still Falling

I'm stuck on a conversation I had, earlier today.  It bothers me quite tremendously that Austin dragged my name through the mud so badly when we broke up.  I honestly do not know that I could have done much differently.  This is almost 10 year old news so I'm not quite sure why I'm so irritated by it right now.  It probably has something to do with my needing to ask his mom to do me a huge favor that could have a huge impact on my career and I feel completely uncomfortable doing it because I know his family has mixed feelings about me.  And it makes me crazy because that jackass broke up with me so that he could ask out another girl and when she wasn't interested he came running back to me.  His reaction to our breakup was irrational and overstated.  And it pisses me off that it is having any effect on me this far removed from that time in my life.

It would be really nice to be completely occupied with school.  The nuanced complications of interpersonal relationships with people in my life are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I need to do something with my evening.  I'm confident PMS just hit me like a brick.  I definitely just cried for no reason.  I'm also crazy tired right now.  And cranky.  And crazy with anxiety.  I would like it to rain this evening.

What the shit am I doing with my life?  It seems like something is missing and I don't know what it is.  I'm in the middle of a transition and I would like it to go ahead and work itself out.  Maybe I'll start by doing my laundry.

Here is a fun video for the evening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GohpyK5Y3g&feature=player_embedded

I Know Anything Is Possible

My poor toe was stubbed quite violently on my way home from work while I power-walked my mildly irritated self home.

For the most part, I do a pretty good job of not having expectations for people.  But I feel like I am going to have to distance myself for having experienced a disappointment in what was already a low to non-existant expectation.  This is a greatly saddens me.  I suppose that's life though.  We tend to grow away from people when we create physical and or emotional distance between each other.  Life goes on.  So it goes.

Over the weekend, I started a list of things in Colorado I would like to see and do.  Ghost towns, Mesa Verde, snowboarding in CO powder, touring the New Belgium Brewery, Oh My God Road, the Colorado History Museum, The Byers-Evans House are a few I have come up with so far.  If anyone reading this has any other ideas of things I MUST see or do in CO, please feel free to contribute your ideas as they are much appreciated.

For next year's resolutions, I need to add "purchase a passport".

I should sleep rather well tonight; the rain always seems to help with that.  Lately I've been remembering more of my dreams than normal.  And it's not the normal one I remember, where I'm being chased by some automatic weapon wielding jackass who would like to see me dead.  That dream is always terribly stressful.

Mike Birbiglia is a comic genius and I can NOT wait to see his movie.  I wish it was at the Mayan instead of Chez Artiste but I'm pretty sure I can still get to Chez Artiste on the bus.  If not, I'll have coerce someone into seeing it with me.  It has 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes which is UNHEARD of.

Sleepwalk with me by Mike Birbiglia:

And since I'm OBSESSED with the Wizard of Oz, when I just discovered this trailer just now, I may have peed a little with excitement!!!

The song for today was shared with me this morning by a dear friend.  I adore it and may have had it on repeat for nearly the entirety of my day.

Slow It Down

I'm having an intensely emotional reaction to the combination of the end of the weekend and the listening to of the Lumineers.  I'm feeling nostalgic for something I may not remember or has never actually happened.  There is a longing in my chest for a time past or a time yet to come.  It's bringing tears to the very edge of the ducts that hold them back.

I just want to know all the things I have to look forward to because I feel like I'm letting go of part of my past.  The future is such a scary place.  My fear of the unknown seems crippling at times.  The reality is that the unknown can bring as many wonderful things as it can awful things.  When we focus on the awful we lose track of the possibility of wonderful.  And the wonderful is what we have to live for.

Somedays I just want to be 30 with all my heart.  It is fucking hard to be a 20 something.  It is, by far, the hardest part of my life so far.  Learning to fly, learning to stay afloat, learning to be an adult, learning who I am, learning what I want, what I will tolerate and working towards that goal has been a terribly confusing time.  I want to have it all figured out.  I want to have a supportive partner and a stable home and a career.  Being a 20 something is wearing me out.  I'm terribly bored with the lifestyle of a 20 something.  I'm ready to start down a different path, a new adventure.  At what point do I start to feel comfortable on my life path?  Is comfort complacency?  I don't believe for 2 seconds that I will ever completely settle down.  There will always be adventure in my life.  Because let's be real, I get claustrophobic when I feel stuck.  This goes for being stuck at the top of a roller coaster or in a life that is not right for me.

I definitely need a man who is comfortable with this aspect of my personality.  Because it is a glaring fault about me at times.  If you are flexible with my need to not be complacent or bored in my life, we will never have a problem.

Now I See

I'm done being mad at Seattle.

I decided, yesterday, that I want to start rocking lapel pins.  I'm gonna need to start buying classier clothing to rock them on though; I'm not opposed to this.  I can pull off the Republican housewife look pretty well.  Is it possible to have a pseudo hipster, 1950's housewife, powerful career woman kind of look?  That's what I'm going for.    Here is the best information I could find when I Googled "How to rock a lapel pin".

How about we have a moment of three cheers for Sriracha?!?  It took my mediocre Chinese food over the top to fantastic Chinese food last night.  What a magical sauce!

Jazz in the park should be happening, for me, this evening.  It's about damn time I attend this free event in my city of awesomeness.

Lately, I've been legitimately happy and unstressed.

When my grandmother passes, I no longer think it's necessary to participate in family gatherings with my mom's step siblings.  I don't like them.  I have never felt comfortable with them.

Yesterday my mom told me told me, in more detail, about the abuses that took place by her step dad when she was a child.  It broke my heart.

Can you even begin to imagine what your life will look like in six months?  Things change all the time within the course of a year.  Does this phenomenon ever slow down as you get older?  I have a picture of maybe how I'd like it to be.  But, of course, I'm not the lord of the world and I have very little influence on the events and outcomes of my life course other than how I react to things that happen in my life.

This Is How It Happens

Little things.  Stories, pictures, news clips.  Any little thing has the ability to trigger me.  It's not as bad as it used to be.  I'm just so angry that I live in a society that teaches it's men to disrespect women in such horrible ways.  We are not a weaker gender.  We are an equal gender with so much to contribute.  And yet there is so little support for a woman to speak out when she is raped or assaulted or any form of abuse.  It hurts my heart.  It hurts my heart that I didn't speak out when it happened to me.  And it hurts my heart when I hear about it happening to other  women.

Someday I will have a forum to speak up and out about this.  I will use my story to hopefully help someone else get through hers.  .

This, however, is unspeakable

Friday Morning Random Thought Flow

It's taking me nearly forever to start moving this morning.  Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I allow myself time to just be quiet and relaxed before I start my day.  Maybe I'd be a lot happier and healthier if I did this more.  I think I'll try that.

I think I'll write a mission statement for my meaning life project.  It should include things like recognizing that all things are temporary, including life.  It should also include things I want to accomplish and differences I want to make as a human person resident of the world.  It should be prolific and encompassing enough that it should not be subject to change and it should be grounding enough to remind me of my core philosophies about life and who I am and who I truly want to be.  I'll get to work on this.

Emily inspired me to get started on my New Year's Resolutions for next year.  But let's start by checking in with my resolutions for this year.

Get my camera out at least once a month(I'm at about every other month, unless my phone counts)
Run five miles (I'm giving up on this due to the weirdness going on with my foot)
Volunteer  (One of the most fulfilling things I have done in a very long time, good resolution, I will maybe carry this one into next year)
Learn to make a new recipe once a month (still on track)
Write every single day (Pretty close)
Lose another 10 pounds (I'll bet if I started on the five mile thing that this would happen)  (I'm amending this to say maintain current weight and work on being healthier.)
Stick to my budget(For the most part, this is really a learning process)
Get a pedicure
Maintain an "A" average in my classes (B's for the first semester, but I have one to go)
Go someplace I've never been before (Going to Central City tomorrow!!)
See live music once a month (So far so good)
See a therapist
Buy a good bra
Learn to shoot a gun (My mom's friend has offered to teach me, I will try and take a week off to go to Ovid and do this before the end of the year, this one may have to be pushed into next year, though.)
Go Ice Skating (I have no excuse once they open the rink behind the Clock Tower this winter.)


I'm making fantastic progress on this.  Now lets start taking a look at what might be important to me for next year.

Learn to shoot a gun
Maintain an "A" average in school
See live music once a month (because I really liked being conscious of doing it this year)
Learn to stick to my budget (because I'm getting better but still not where I want to be)
Go somewhere I have never been
Write a mission statement for my Meaningful Life Project
Participate in the Transit Alliance Citizens Academy in the fall
Learn to network and start making connections 
Volunteer
Work on completing my Beautify My Space project


There will likely be more to come.  I really like adequately tracking my progress on the measurable goals I make for myself.  It is inspiration to continue moving forward when I can see what I have accomplished.

And in my daily link to Jezebel, I want to highlight two things.  Both are in reference to Mitt Romney's campaign for president.

First, this reader's comment very purely highlights how I feel about the generalities of the today's Republican party, especially those who are shouting members from the area of my hometown.

Second, because I adore clever headlines.  "Mittens Might Ask Condoleezza Rice to the Vice Presidential Sock Hop"

Musings on Dishes and What Not

Do you ever have those days when you don't feel like doing anything, you feel sluggish and exhausted despite not having really done anything throughout the day and you feel like a giant piece of shit because you clearly have a sink full of dishes to clean, dinner to make, clothes to put away and more important things to do besides feeling sluggish and writing in my Meaningful Life Project?  I'm having that moment, currently.  All I want is a nap.  I think this is what it feels like when my thyroid goes wacko.

After some iced tea, I think I'm feeling a little more normal-esque.  At least normal-esque enough to do something productive with my evening.

The internet gives me ADD.

Mindy Kaling is my new role model.  Her book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) is completely fantastic.  I love reading well written comedic musings by people whom I can completely relate to.

I can really get behind the idea of traveling for months at a time and writing about the experience.

Is it acceptable for me to not do my dishes tonight?  Ugh.  No.  Probably not.

Officially Official

This morning, I'm really anxious!  I can't, for the life of me, figure out why.  Likely it has something to do with this training that I have no idea what to expect from.  My toes need to be seriously repainted.  I got grey and coral nail polish, yesterday and I'm a little excited about it.  I REALLY don't want to have to go to BFE for training.

I'd like to have jury duty, someday.  I think it would be a SUPER interesting experience.

Someday, when I'm finished with school, I think I'll travel South America for a month or two.  This is a good excuse to get started on my learning Spanish goal.

A massage would be nice.

My toes and foot are swollen.  It's starting to concern me some.

Friday will likely be the last time I hang out with or even see the random boys from home.  I have mixed feelings about this.  Ultimately, I think it's a good thing.

Labor Day weekend can not come fast enough.

Officially, I am not an aunt.  Officially, I have seen a new level of evil in the world.  Officially, my mother will likely hassle me more than normal about creating a grand child for her.  That thing was such a shit show.

Sunday Evening Bliss

So I've been contemplating the idea of starting a movie now for the last hour and have not even gotten around to turning on the television.

 I would like to take a moment to pat myself on the back for hanging my shelf on my wall, level, without the assistance of anyone who has a penis on his body.  I am a domestic Goddess somedays.  However, my shit is strewn throughout my apartment and I have no intention of cleaning it up tonight.  This is remarkable for two reasons.  The first is, I don't care one iota that shit is strewn over my apartment and two, I hung a shelf on my wall, I don't have to care.  My kitchen sink is clogged by some business effing up my in sink food grinder thing of which I cannot, for the life of me, remember the name of at this moment.  This takes away domestic Goddess points.

I've determined that I'm not a big fan of people who cause the bus to run late.  That shit pisses me off. Denver's mass transit system could use some overhaul in terms of efficiencies and effectiveness.  I will be a great transit planner someday.  I'm constantly examining how I would make things better and the bus is my biggest complaint right now.

My pancakes were delicious.  Lately I've had some really great success with my recipes. I just wish I had someone here to eat these amazing food items with me.

I think it's ridiculous how insanely bunched some people allow their panties to get at some of the most ridiculous things.  Here is a link to a list of people who get insane about bunched panty type issues.

Coming Out of The Closet

What a fantastic morning, so far!  Coffee, lemon water, NPR, and a bright and early message on my phone.

Today, I came out of the closet on Facebook.  I realized that I was unwilling to publicly announce my religious views to family and friends for fear of judgement from the Christian majority.  I listed my religion as Agnostic.  I'm still not comfortable talking to my family about it.  It seems as though this would be the ultimate form of family betrayal to many of my relatives.

Picking raspberries, in the morning, makes me really happy.  I'm going to make pancakes with raspberry ginger syrup.  They will be delicious.

I'm being told that shipping my box back to me is going to cost me an arm and a leg.  I had to spend some time considering the value of the stuff in the box before I agreed to the quoted cost of shipping it to me.  Mom thinks I'm being quoted an outlandish price for this service.  I just want the damn thing to be done and over with.

I think my tattoo is going to happen in August.  School is going to make me incredibly overwhelmed since I am taking two more classes than last semester.

I'm going to go out on a limb, here, and declare Rock and Roll one of the top five inventions of ever.  The following video will act as evidence there of.

If You've Got To Ask

Something feels pretty far off-kilter, this evening.  Maybe a hormonal imbalance?  We'll call it a hormonal imbalance.  Why else would I have been so exhausted THIS afternoon that I passed out without too much warning into a nap until the thunder woke me.

On the subject of thunder.  Along with it has come the rain; sweet, cool, reassuring rain.  Two days of rain in a row, and an apartment that is approximately 10 degrees cooler has me sleeping much more soundly.

My first post in my new blog/project about cooking as broke, single, student ( I called it Studios and Cheap Red Wine) is going to be Spanish Tortilla.  I wish I had a nice white wine to go with it, though.  Oh well.

I have pastels and pastel paper I had purchased as a gift I was unable to give.  I want to learn to use them but all I seem to draw, ever, is a flower.  I want inspiration to create something else in my drawings.  I think I will try and recreate this, but with out the birds.

This movie is making me feel really existential about my life.  But I highly recommend it.

Sometimes Slumps Happen

I miss Sunday mornings, with you.  Waking up, cooking breakfast, drinking coffee and reading the Times.  You always stole the Best Buy ad and sometimes the comics, making a mess of my organized paper in the process.  Then we would set out for our day.  Sometimes a trip into the city, a day at the Arboretum or into the Cascades where you would try your hardest to scare the hell out of me with your off roading skills.  I miss making food with you.  I miss dinners at your mom's house.  I miss that we had the same taste in restaurants and that you enjoyed trying new places as much as I did.  I miss the trip to the coast when we camped on the beach.  I miss the trip we took to your grandmother's house, driving up the Oregon coast on our way home - one of my fondest memories.  I miss the comfort of knowing that when catastrophe struck that you would be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I miss calling you to tell you I'm on my way home.  I miss night snowboarding with you.  I miss the boy who made it a point to plan one of the best final tours of Seattle a girl could ask for.  You knew all of my favorite places and made a point to hit nearly every one of them.  I miss Fondue on New Years and well, Fondue ever.  I miss our habits and our routines.

But there are things that I don't know if could tolerate going forward.  What you tolerate becomes your norm and I tolerated things I shouldn't have.  Doing more than my share of housework.  If I pay for half of everything, I only do half of the housework.  Period.  I'm a neat freak and I can tolerate a mess for only so long.  And if I do clean your shit up, do something to show me you are thankful for my efforts. I deserve respect.  I can't tolerate anyone who is not supportive of trying things that I like also.  I demand compromise, honesty, an open dialog about the state of what we feel is going on and how we feel about it.  I'm incredibly diplomatic, open minded and flexible, you should utilize that about me.  You won't find that in very many people.  

I just read this comment on Jezebel. In response to this article.

"This actually helps if you're in a slump in an established relationship. I know when I've gone through down periods, it's helped if I:

- Remembered to be kind
- Made sure kisses happened
- Had sex

It hurt if I let the slump take over everything, turning down or not initiating sex, getting snarky, and letting up on the small, physical things. Sometimes slumps happen. No one did anything, but if you let it color your relationship, it can be impossible to get out of."

Great advice to follow, going forward.  

Laundry is done, dishes are done, dinner has been consumed, garbage put in the dumpster.  I'd say I've had an evening well spent.  I will spend the rest of it deciding which of the five books I'm currently reading will get my attention for the remainder of the night.  

My song for today.

The Greatest TED Talk Ever Sold

And because I agree with so much of this message...

The Intersection of Dark Glamour and Casual Fly

I think this is the body I want to aspire to.  She is absolutely beautiful. It's not too far off from what my body type currently resides at.  She is a little more toned than I am and tanner but I'm not really into having skin cancer so I'm cool with my pale, porcelain skin.  Christina Hendricks is still my body image hero though.

This is the best headline I've read all day.  It made me giggle briefly.

Tonight I'm wishing for a giant thunderstorm.  The kind that brings flash flooding with it.  That would make my day.  Unless it flooded my first floor apartment, however.

The break in the middle of the week made today feel like Monday, all day.  I like going straight from Monday to Friday.

Apparently I'm on my annual country music kick.  I feel like this is completely allowable, given my country roots.  I refuse to apologize or rationalize my right to legitimately enjoy country songs for a week or two of every year.

There are two movies, one currently playing at the Mayan and one coming to the Mayan that I REALLY want to see.  This may be my opportunity to attend a movie by myself since I can't think of anyone who I'd want to invite to go with me.

Movie playing currently:

Movie coming soon:

Both of these films seem like ones I would purchase, as well.  I'm beyond excited to see them.

It's just going to be a good summer for movies because there is a new Batman also.

And this little gem of male femininity: 

It's really difficult to stay cool, calm collected and grounded when I all I want is to ask for what I want. And I'm not sure I feel comfortable asking for what I want because I realize what a tremendous sacrifice I would be asking for.  Soooo, I'll keep this business to myself.

Flash Mobs Give Me Faith In Humanity

We are truly ushering in a new age of bringing joy to people's lives through means other than material "stuff."  I can sense it every single time I see such a beautiful flashmob.

Like this one. 

Or this one.

Generations X and Y are truly making their mark on the salvation of American culture tipping back towards the idea that we care for our neighbors and for people in general.  The Whuffie factor points out the direction of social media tipping the scales from the internet being a cold place of no direct contact with other humans to a place where the facilitation of an entire uprising in Tunisia or a party in Wash Park to raise nearly $7000.00 for the Waldo Canyon fire victims.  

There is an entire world of knowledge that people have the power to give to each other through social media and it does a great job of keeping business honest.  Many businesses fail at social media because they simply do not understand that it is no longer advertisement as it used to be, but a dialog between you and your customers.  Advertising will never truly be the same in the future and I believe this is in the favor of both consumers and businesses.  

Who am I? And what do I truly care about in my life?  I am a person of ideas and knowledge.  I care about things like consumer advocacy and breaking the barriers for women and minorities to own small businesses.  I believe that most licensing practices advocated by state governments are outdated and ineffective.  I believe in Universal Healthcare and I believe in the legalization of all drugs.  One does not need to be active in drug use to advocate that the war on drugs is a useless waste of resources.  I also believe that prostitution should be legal and regulated.  I believe that I, as a consenting adult, should have the authority to decide what I do to my body, what I put inside of my body, and if and when I want to have children.  I believe that the presidential election is overrated and that people should care more about local elections and legislative elections than they do the election of the POTUS.  I love the acronyms POTUS FLOTUS and SCOTUS.  They make me smile.  I believe in good, healthy food and I believe in family.  I believe in marriage and that all people should have the opportunity to be betrothed to the person whom they love.  It is a deal breaker in a relationship for me if you do not believe in same sex marriage.  If you don't believe in equal rights, I don't believe that you are a good person at your core and I don't want you in my life on that level.  I believe that financial literacy and home economics and life skills should be requirements for graduation from high school.  Math, reading and science are nice but they are not the fundamentals for being a successful adult.  We as a society do a terrible job of preparing our youth for their futures.  I don't believe in mandatory sentencing and until we can prove a flawless legal system, I don't believe in the death penalty.  We spend too much money on our fantastic prison system and leave the youth, the future of this country to fend for themselves.  I believe in taking the initiative to educate yourself about things before forming opinions about them.  I believe in debate.  I believe in honesty.  And I believe that things will culturally improve when the large voting mass of the baby boomers lose their political voice.  

Going forward, I mandate that I give myself opportunities to truly slow down and just regroup.  It's important that I deal with things as they come up and not years down the road.  Recently, I've been a little resistant to change because for the first time, I really truly liked what was going on in my life.  But the changes I'm experiencing are not bad changes.  They are changes that will allow me to focus.  My life is transitioning

From this:

To this:

This will be a good next six months, I'm sure of it. 

In My Life

I can't quite put my finger on what emotion it is that I'm experiencing.  It's exhibiting behaviors of grief, of anticipation, of relief, and of expectation of subtle life changes and the possibility of major life changes.

It is devastating that the one person I feel shares my interests and respects me as an adult and a friend, who doesn't incessantly and unnecessarily find negative judgements about me and my life and lived near me is leaving in a few weeks.  And I'm sure I will get over it relatively quickly but it's beyond me as to why this is effecting me quite as strongly as it is.  Disappointed.  It seems like I've grown away from so many people in my life recently. And I know why it has happened in some cases.  And I know that everything happens for a reason.  And I know that I will be okay.  I really just have to let it go.

I made a major sacrifice in being able to see friends by giving up my car.  I cannot expect my friends to understand this life choice.  But I would not be able to manage going to school with a car and insurance payment and add gas and maintenance on top of that?  I just wish all of my friends didn't reside in various parts of BFE around the city.  An hour or more bus ride for parties is really difficult to manage. Especially when it seems like I've grown a part from the place in the group of friends I once inhabited.  I'm going to end up being "that one guy" who comes around every so often.  I think I'm okay with that.  But I REALLY need to work on expanding my circle of people near me.

Tonight I'm on a Beatles kick.  I have to toggle between reading hilarious Jezebel comments and 50 Shades of Grey.  That book is INTENSE.

Mom and I are going to Canyon City a week from Saturday and I'm beyond excited about getting out of the city for a bit.  I need a chance to get out of my head also.  I wonder if it would be safe to be running on my ankle when it keeps swelling.

Rolling With the Punches

I'm really super bummed out right now.  I don't even know if I want to be writing, right now.  It becomes incredibly hard to focus on all the good news in my life when all I want is for this stupid daytime talk show of a situation my brother created to go away.  It's not really my place to ever say it to her but dammit I just want my mom to let it go.  It breaks my heart that this thing hurt her as badly as it did.

The good news is:

I am employed
I received grant money from CU
I have a life plan
I have enough; food, shelter, love
I have my mind and my heart and my body
I feel like Andrew and I have made amends and that situation no longer breaks my heart


Today I've been tired.  I think I'll go to bed early.

Cause I'm restless tonight

I need to take a moment to mention a Romney ad I viewed as I was putting together a playlist on Youtube.  The end of the video mentions that we should "send Washington a message to stop spending and start creating jobs."  This is an absurd notion.  Any sane person who has any basic fundamental education concerning macro economics knows this is absurd.  The model for Economies in recession demonstrates that the only way to move the output is to increase spending or cut taxes and that an increase in spending is the quicker, more effective way to increase Real GDP.  It also demonstrates that if a government decreases spending during a recession it will decrease Real GDP and hinder recovery.  It is not possible for a government to "create" anything by decreasing spending.  It is, however, possible to raise revenue by getting rid of tax loopholes for giant corporations.

Now that I'm finished with that rant...

This entire weekend has been spent in complete solitude.  Thus far it has been quite rejuvenating.  Though now, at the end of it, after having napped for most of the afternoon, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight.  And I'm a bit bored.  Tomorrow, I'll be ready to get out of here for a bit.  It's sounding like I'll have a relatively busy week so that helps me feel okay about having not done a damn thing this weekend.  I also saved some money by staying in this weekend.  Double score.

All this time to myself has been very beneficial in figuring out some life questions.  These are the type of life confirmations and decisions that I do such a good job of keeping to myself until I act and then know every one for a loop because I'm the only one who knows I've been thinking of these things for any extended period of time.  For a while I thought maybe I should change this quality about myself and then I realized that I quite like this quality.  So for anyone who feels like I've lost my damn mind when I make decisions that seem not-well thought out or completely random, I can't say that I care.  It's who I am and I decided to be unapologetic about who I am.

I just found a free tour of the Union station project.  I'm going to go by myself and feel super brave for doing so.  I don't foresee anyone going with me or wanting to go with me and I REALLY want to do it.  So I will.

And because I've been on an Alison Krauss kick this evening...this one sums it up.