Doubt

There are times when I appreciate the spontaneity of life and times when I wish life was a little more scripted. I was completely caught off guard on more than instance last night. I think I need to just back off contact with her. I understand where she is coming from. I do, but her approach was awful. I don't think it's fair to ask me to grow up right now. I'm moving at a pace that I am comfortable with. What she went through must have really fucked with her. But what she refused to understand is what I just came out of really fucked with me. I do doubt more of what I'm doing than I used to. That is what happens when you surround yourself with someone who doubts your every move.

Nothing gets done with dust in your gun

This is where I am
This is the level I am at
You should see it here
There is so much to see that

You would hardly believe this is me
for reasons unknown life turns around
and takes me in directions
Both surprise and inspiration bound

I will not settle for anyone
who does not want me
I will not settle for anything
that doesn't fit into my life perfectly

Today, yesterday's me would hardly recongnize
the direction in which my life has turned
But she would certainly understand
all the ways she has been burned

But sometimes it takes a fire
to move the mountains necessary
to bring the changes in your life
That bridge has officially been buried

Nobody Respects a Liar

I feel considerably better today. I started feeling better after I went for a walk last night. My neighborhood is just so awesome it always has a way of lifting my spirits. I can see why location is so important in real estate. I think I might start looking seriously for a new job. My job makes me crazy. Actually, I should have done that with my 5 days off. I think I'll use all my benefits in the next six months while seriously pursuing a different job. I want a job where I can dress like I care. I need to not let anyone force me to accept relationships I'm not ready for. I would be okay with doing exactly what I'm doing for a while. I don't see why there is something wrong with that. And as long as our interactions continues to either stay at last nights level or continue to improve I am satisfied. Wow. I've never experienced something quite so intense. And the scarf? That was fun. I feel like we are on the same level there and that makes me excited to see what else we can do. And what was that rant about women being complicated and hard to read? Was that about me? Am I complicated and hard to read? I can see that.

Look Ma No Hands

I'm completely irritated with myself right now. Really? I'm glad I'm young enough to bounce back from my mistakes. I fully intend to make up for my mistake tonight. Tonight, I bring my A game. What can I throw myself into to make me feel better? Am I mad because I feel unwanted or because I actually wanted a relationship? I think it has more to do with feeling unwanted. I honestly don't think I wanted a relationship. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm just mad that he doesn't seem to want a relationship. That is a little fucked up of me. I'm a little fucked up right now. This really shows me how fucked up I am about men too. I'm okay with just being friends. I don't understand why I'm so fussy right now! I want to do something to change my appearance. I want to do something to change my personality. I want to rebel. How should I do that? I'm about to have a panic attack.

Day Out Day In and Begin Again

This Christmas was not what I hoped for in so many ways and in so many ways it was more than what I could ask for. I figured out that this was the first Christmas I have been single in 9 years. I have also figured out that there are two women in my life who have shut down and stopped living thanks mostly in part to having been emotionally and physically abused by men. I had the displeasure of witnessing the shell of what used to be my grandmother. I missed the last years she still inhabited her body and I'm absolutely heartbroken by it. I didn't even recognize her. She barely knew who I was. She has always been the strongest woman I know and such a rock and guiding beacon in my life and she is not here anymore. Instead, there is this thing that somewhat resembles my grandmother in shape and color but in no other way. How does this happen to someone who was so good at making the best of a shitty life? Why now? I feel like it is now my official duty to overuse all the qualities she instilled in me as a child and young woman. Today I grew up in a way that was very painful for me. But the good news is that I experienced a new pain today and I dealt with it in a healthy way. I neither drank myself passed out nor did I binge and purge. On that note I have not experienced bulimic symptoms in months. And given all I have been through, this is really an accomplishment for me.

Right now is just really a low moment for me. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.

Head In the Sky Like a Kite

I am my own worst critic. It only takes one time of telling me I have done something incorrectly to make me mull it over and feel badly about it and obsess about it and figure out how to resolve the issue long after the issue is no longer an issue. This is really a flaw for me. So I used the word spite. What I meant was that in this certain situation if you reserve the right to hurt me with your flaw, I reserve the right to react the way I react because it hurt me that you did what you did. That is all. Why does the other one get to confess a flaw and I don't get to confess how that flaw will make me feel? Sometimes I think I need to just take her with a grain of salt. I know she means well but to be honest, she is the resident expert on dating around, I seem to have a better knowledge of building long term relationships. And really? 7 pages of why I am wrong seems a little over the top. I refuse to go on feeling badly about this. This character flaw of mine needs to be changed. But at least I have never thrown a snow boot at anyones head. I really need these next 5 days off. I think they will make a huge difference.

I'm just in the dark, feeling my way around a room I've never been in before, and hoping to find a light soon.

The Future Freaks Me Out

What am I going to do with my future? How do I obtain guidance with my future? What the hell do I want to do with my life? Maybe I should start with what I know I do not want to do.

Sales
Garbage collection
Retail
Math
Social Work
House cleaning

Here are some things I think I would like to do with my life

Philanthropy
Open a restaurant
Art
Museum Curator
Admissions counselor
Counselor
Advice Giver
City Planner
Environmentalist
Food buyer
Decision maker
Problem solver
Abstractionist
Creative Thinker
Sociologist
Music producer
Costume Designer
Who the fuck knows

FML

I'm really struggling with what I'm doing right now. Seriously? Is this really happening right now? If I don't get to have another opportunity at last night, especially after tonight, I'm going to be quite devastated.

The Denial Twist

This day is not turning out to be very productive. So far, I got out of bed at 10:00 and watched a movie until noon. I have a feeling that my lifetime is going to be a really great one to be a part of. It seems like as a society we are moving back into communities. There is so much good that can come from a community atmosphere. When you know your neighbors, there is a feeling of safety that you don't get from the sterility of suburbian isolation. My mind is all over the place today. Don't you ever just want to know what the future holds for you? Don't you ever just want to know for sure that you are doing things correctly with your life? What is living life correctly though? I will always find a way to survive and make things okay. It has always been to my advantage that I am resourceful. I really want to be back in school. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure starting in a year will be fine but I want SO badly to be back now.

Today, my future seems so uncertain. Luckily, it seems as though my future will be bright. It just seems like there are so many different ways I could go right now. How is it that I constantly feel like I'm in a crossroad? Is there ever a moment when I'm just sure of my direction? Does that happen in real life? What do I even want? Right now I seem to just be living day to day in an attempt to find who I am again. Do you ever really find your own identity? Can I find my identity the way I am going?

What a crazy random happenstance!

I need to develop the immune system of a super hero. It would be nice to know why I woke up feeling like a sack of potatoes and why I still feel like I'm dragging ass today. I got to explore more of my neighborhood today and I found this great wine shop that is also a liquor store. It was exactly the liquor store I have been hoping to find and it's so close to me! They sell Rogue Hazelnut Nectar ale and dryfly liquor. Two of my Northwest favorites that I did not believe I would get to purchase anytime soon. I literally started to tear up with homesickness when I saw this. I miss Seattle with all of my heart but at this point in my life, I can not remember a time when I was happier.

I seem to seek a new disaster every day

I've been watching a lot of comedy lately. I think it keeps me from taking life too seriously. And why should I take life so seriously? I REALLY want to go snowboarding and am SOOOO bummed about my snowboard. I feel slightly guilty over the fact I am more upset about losing my snowboard than losing my toxic relationship. It would be really helpful if I could get my lungs back into good enough shape so that I could run longer distances and more often. At this point, it's slightly dangerous for me to push my lungs too hard, so I do my best. I have so much more energy from being in better shape. It feels AMAZING!

I want to volunteer somewhere. I also want to find a community garden. I want to see more live music. I want to drink good coffee. I want to taste good wine. I want to experience fantastic, thoughtfully prepared food. I want to wear fabulous heels. I want to embrace my style. I want to go on short road trips. I want to ride my bike to more places. I want to become a library rat. I want to meet other library rats and talk about library rat subjects while sipping on amazing coffee. I want to look in the mirror and believe when I say, damn, you look amazing. I want to make lots of new friends. I want to be inebriated as often as possible. I want to EXPERIENCE, dive head first into the parts of my life that I know to be me and have hidden behind the me that wanted to make him happy.

This year, this year will be my opportunity to find happiness in myself and if the last month has been any indicator, I am well on my way to making this a reality. Right at this very moment, I am comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am and for me, that is downright out of this world.

Just Gonna Stand There and Watch me Burn

The fact that I am out of bed at this morning's ungodly hour is absolutely incredible. However, I did not wake up on good terms. Unfortunately, I woke up on a bad note, actually, in a minor anxiety attack. It's so hard to have any confidence that there are any good men out there right now. And on that note, even if a good man exists, do I really want one in my life? Doesn't that automatically determine I will be doing someone else's cooking and cleaning and generally taking care of another person with out any thanks and appreciation while he makes you feel like a crazy bitch for requesting that at some point some of your needs should be filled? Maybe my concept of a relationship is just really fucked up. Maybe there are relationships where I will not come out of the other side feeling depleted of everything I have to give. This bitter rage is just echoing through every part of my body right now! I hate him! I hate all of the hims that I trusted with my sanity. What is left of my sanity right now is less than questionable. There is not any happiness to be found through a man. The only happiness to be found will only come from me. It's amazing to me that anyone has not been burned enough to trust the person they love.

After four years, four years, of begging you, pleading with you to love me the way I deserve this is where we are at. This is not my fault. I am an amazing girlfriend. The fact that you realized this too late is also not my fault. You critiqued my every move, making me second guess my every confidence. You were never concerned with whether or not I was satisfied, until I stopped sleeping with you. You never understood that when you choose unpacking your suitcase over the girl who just picked you up from the airport in nothing but a trench coat and heels that you destroy her desire to have you. And still I kept you in my life for two more years! What the fuck was I thinking? Did I really not respect myself enough to know that the way you treated me was uncalled for? And now you have the audacity to try and make me talk to you about our relationship. How many nights did I spend screaming at you, begging you to realize that our relationship was not working for me? Don't you remember me keeping you awake because you would not acknowledge that we had issues? Us working on it always turned into me working on it. That was completely unfair for you to put that burden on me and each time I failed at fixing us I lost a little more hope in love. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. You told me Safeway's cookies were better than my homemade cookies! I have not baked for you since! Are you retarded? Really? You Asshole!!! I let myself go. I stopped caring about how I looked, what I did with my life, my passions. I couldn't write, I couldn't sing, I couldn't make art, all because you depleted my soul to an empty shell. So to say I'm bitter is a minor understatement. I have nothing left to give you and I never will. The last I tried to give you, you grabbed my arm, gave me the look of death and pushed me off of you. I will never forgive you for that.

After the Curtain

My resolution for the following year:

It is my turn this year. I will take the time to appreciate myself, developing what is amazing about who I am and accepting my own flaws. It is time that I pay tribute to what God gave me by allowing myself to feel good about being gifted. I have so much to offer the world and it's time I climb out of my hole and begin doing just that, offering my gifts to the world.

The time has come to shake off years of mental abuse from people who did not believe in me. These people have been removed from my life and I feel such a weight lifted from my confidence. Next year will be my year. I will have fun and in the process, learn to love me. After all, how can I trust in the love of another person when I do not love myself.

Today is almost over, tomorrow is a new day and I pray I have many tomorrows to look forward to and many yesterdays to appreciate.

This is me smiling

For several months now, I have been trying to photograph myself with a smile. They have come out awful, fake and not the pretty smile I have been told I have all my life. Today, I tried again. My smile is back. My legitimate, happy smile has returned. I feel so unchained and alive. I feel beautiful and appreciated. Its like my life is moving in a positive direction again and it feels SO GOOD. I'm confident that I will be okay. This is the first time in a long time that I have been so confident in my future. It's amazing what ridding yourself of toxic people can do. How could I have let myself get so deep into a relationship with someone who didn't believe in me, didn't tell me I'm beautiful, never celebrated my success nor grieved with me through my pain. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger and I think I have come out of this one with the strength of a champion and my heart thanks me for it.

An Opportunity

3 mores days. It seems like a lifetime and a matter of seconds all at once. The anticipation is so amazing. Excited, and scared, and sad, and happy, and angry, and confused, all of these things have me wrapped up in this tangled web of emotion. All of these things contribute to the baggage that I need to lose if I ever hope to find love in my life again. I feel so let down by love right now. I have let myself fall and 2 out of 3 have let me hit the ground at full speed. The 3rd, well, he's great but I don't find that I am still attracted to him. Maybe I will never date another man who has an "A" name. How can you spend five years professing your love to me only to tell me you don't want me in your life and on that note, how can you spend 4 years ignoring me, only to tell me you can't live with out me? What the fuck? Both of you can kiss my ass. Neither of you deserve me and both of you have left me with scars that run deep. So deep, I'm not sure I will ever be able to shake them. So deep, I'm afraid I will never trust anyone else to actually love me in a healthy, stable relationship kind of way. This part of my life is an absolute disaster right now. There is so much I need to untangle and learn about myself and I'm really very excited about having an opportunity to do so. I really feel like burying myself in a cave for a few months. I need to learn how to take care of myself again. I need to learn to find happiness in who I am and what my life has provided for me.

Nervous Nausea

My nerves are starting to frazzle more quickly. I'm am so scared about this move, I'm so scared I'm making a huge mistake. I'm nervous about couch surfing, I'm nervous about my new job, I'm nervous about being so close to the scum of the earth. I'm nervous I won't be able to afford my new apartment. I'm nervous that everything I want to take is not going to fit into my car. I'm scared about my cat moving in with my parents. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared that I can't love again. This whole thing is TERRIFYING!

Dear Scum of the Earth,

You know exactly who you are. This is a "letter" to try to ease the pain you have left behind when you so ruthlessly took away so many pieces of me. You stole a piece of my heart, my body, and my dignity. You have taken every opportunity available to you to break my heart and screw with my life, my sanity, and my confidence. This time, I will not let you win. You will not have the effect on my life I previously granted you. What was I thinking? Why would I ever forgive you for blessing me with a body image that was so terrible that I still, to this day, struggle with eating disorders? Now, you have taken the initiative to forsake my values. I can not let you fuck with my life on this one. You gave me every reason to believe you were still in love with me. You were the one who looked at me with adoring eyes, and told me how much you missed my feet, and asked me if you could give me a massage. You were the one who told me how much you missed my smile and that I was the least crazy of all the women in your life. What is wrong with you? You knew my relationship was over, you knew that I was there because I still had feelings for you and you took advantage of the situation and now you want nothing to do with me. You are a coward and a fool and I hope you rot in hell you terrible piece of shit excuse for a person.

Worst wishes,

You know who...

Getting over the terrifying

I have got to get motivated. It is terrifying to put work into something that may not yield anything. When you have come across so much defeat in the last year, how do you pick yourself up and try again?

Here is my proclamation.

I am a strong, motivated, intelligent woman who has done and will continue to do amazing things with my life. I am beautiful and unique. I am the only me and the man who understands that from the beginning will experience a life of incredible love from me. I will not settle for anything or anyone who does not want me. And I will not fall prey to longing for things I can not have.

Lessons Learned

I had a small set back today. I know that in the grand scheme of things that this moment will become small and benign but for now it's throbbing tumor on my pride.

A look into Adzuki beans

My energy tank is on empty. It feels like my body is fighting something, that could have something to do with my massive Sunburn from Sunday. I have adzuki beans and chickpeas cooking on my stovetop. I couldn't find an Adzuki bean recipe that really looked very good but I'm planning on experimenting with some of the flavors from the bag of rice and Adzuki bean chips from Boulder Canyon chips I picked up at Costco the other day. They are a wonderful snack if you haven't tried them you really should. They have a chipotle and cheese flavor to them. I plan to incorporate a sort of chipotle and chili powder flavor. My chickpeas are for hummus. We are going camping this weekend and I think hummus will be a perfect camp meal. Man skills (my new name for my significant other) seems to be extremely excited about camping. He managed to drag every piece of camping equipment out all over our apartment and I spent the better part of the morning trying to find my floor again.

I have a boat load of cherries which are really great right out of the bowl. I have been reading other blogs with an intention of finding something else to do with them. My CSA newsletter came with a recipe for cherry ice cream that looks really intriguing. I have come across two problems with this. 1.) I don't have an ice cream maker. 2.) I can't figure out how to efficiently get the pits out of my cherries. I tried the paper clip method and I ended up having to cut all of the cherries in half like I would a peach. Now I'm not sure the undersides of my fingernails will ever be a normal color again.

These are a few of my favorite things

Art is an egotistical form of expression. At least I feel like it is for me. My Puritan roots create such a conflict of interest between me and my art. This is probably why I have both stopped writing and taking photographs. For me, my art is not complete with out the admiration of an audience and an audience has the power to break me down. I haven't been feeling very strong nor very confident and the thought of putting myself in the windfall of criticism is a daunting challenge that I not sure I'm really up to.

Creating art with food, however, has become my passion. I can grasp the hull of my knife and create the maximum meditation as I dice through an onion or whisk through a sauce or taste the fruits of my labor and creativity. I can close my eyes and drink in the smell, allowing the taste to devour my tongue, tingling the appropriate taste buds until it reaches the final destination. I can pour over cookbooks and cooking resources and newsletters and websites. I can negate my very existence to choosing the perfect ingredients and carefully planning my menu delegating old standbys to work in between exciting opportunities of decadence virgin and unpracticed.

Endorphins are released at the thought of a trip to the bulk bin aisle of my organic grocer. My CSA box arrives at my door and I can hardly wait to get out of bed and lay the contents on my counter. For me, Christmas comes every other Tuesday and really, I can't think of a Christmas that can compare with my CSA boxes.

My politics rest on fresh and local and I follow the teachings of the venerable Michael Pollan, resting on his every word and secretly longing for more intuition and at the least, the ability to apply what he knows to my life.


Outside of my kitchen the only thing that comes close to making me as happy is my garden. Small and potted my array of fruit, vegetables and herbs is the most beautiful garden I think I could have created in my outdoor space.

You're gonna go far, kid

I have been having a difficult time forming my thoughts into words, forming my vision into art, and in general coming out of my shell lately. It's as though I have become this consumed corporate zombie in the last two years. On that note; however, I have been slowly coming out of my cocoon. Perhaps the last few years were simply a moment in my life when I transitioned from a caterpillar into a butterfly. There really have been quite few moments a pain and trepidation as I find my footing in my adult life.

It doesn't interest me to redo any part of my life at this point. I am where I am and I firmly believe there is a purpose to my life as it is. All I can do is look forward and know that my future is still a blank- for me to fill in- and I can only do my best interpretation of this dance called life.

I often wonder at what point in my life did it become so awful for me to make mistakes. It might actually be impossible for me to explain the level of anxiety I create for myself when I take chance and fear a mistake. Is this normal? Do other people tear themselves apart when they fear a mistake?

The sun should make an appearance for a solid week...at least. It's halfway through June and it has not gotten above 75 degrees. Both my plants and myself would be eternally grateful to feel the warmth of a few sunny days.

It has come under consideration that I may cancel the internet. This would force us out of the apartment more often which I don't believe would be a bad thing at all. It think I will make this argument to Andrew tonight and get a feel for where he really stands with this idea. More than likely he will be violently opposed and will react accordingly.

If I didn't have to work so many hours in a week I would have so much more time for things I actually like to do. I'm a firm advocate for working four 10 hour shifts. We would use less gas commuting, we would have more meaningful time to spend playing an instrument or going for a trip out of town or just to spend with loved ones. I would even go so far as to bet the world would be a much happier, healthier, more active society.

A Continuation Into Meaning

This has been a really wet spring. Every time I put seeds in the ground the weather becomes cold and the rain begins to pour. Both of these weather factors keep my seeds from sprouting. Especially my warm wether plants. Luckily, well, hopefully, the weather stays warm through October; that should give my plants enough time to produce. In the meantime my dryer and a heating pad should hopefully produce enough heat to inspire some sprouts.

My garden has really become my haven. I pour all of my spare time, my spare change, and my spare emotion into the beauty that is beginning to transpire on my deck. Whenever I think I am running out of room I find a way to rearrange and create more space.

I have been considering making food products as a line of business. It would not be retail which makes me happy and it is not farming which eases my mind about actually being able to earn a living. I am still able to pursue my passion; good food.

The high road

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow, It's cloud illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all."

Crossroads. This is where it ends. This is where it begins. This is it.

Molting. The changing of my skin. The changing of my ideals. The changing of me.

Grasp. Holding on to what I know. Grabbing for the unknown. Releasing my clinch.

Since the spinning has stopped. For completion of focusing on the world. Everything seems so clear.

I am not on this earth to answer phones; however, answering phones will ultimately shape the outcome of what my impact comes to be.

I will make an impact on the world without leaving a footprint on the earth.

My high school senior year book quote: Let the world change you and you will change the world.

There is something I can do to save the world and I aim to journey towards what this might be.

The measure of a person is his or her ability to do an ordinary task in an extraordinary way.

It is my prerogative to do just that.

Cheshire Cat Chronicles

Today I feel poor and unappreciated. I feel like I have nothing. I know that I have everything I could want or need.

Do you ever just feel lost? This must be how Alice in Wonderland feels. Except, luckily, my cat neither smokes nor is able to disappear-Thank God for that.

I have read quite a bit lately how escaping consumerism can lead to a happier life. I can see how this might be. I just don't know how to do it. I am surrounded by consumers; my work is in supplying consumers I am living with a compulsive consumer.

I think I would like to disappear.

The Lemons

This is where I stand currently.

At 23 years old I am making less money than I have in the last three years and have more bills to pay. I suffer verbal abuse throughout my entire day of manning a phone at the end of a 1-800 number. Every single day that I manage the gumption and courage to go back to work and sit back down at the end of my phone is another day in which I lose a little bit more faith in the intelligence of the general population. Every single day that I take another phone call from another idiot who wants to yell at me over something he or she does not fully understand pulls me further and further into a bitchy attitude I did not used to posses.

At the end of the torture that is my work week I have the divine pleasure of diving head first into my passions. Isn't that, after all, the purpose of enduring torture? A better sense of the beautiful things in my life?