The fact that I am out of bed at this morning's ungodly hour is absolutely incredible. However, I did not wake up on good terms. Unfortunately, I woke up on a bad note, actually, in a minor anxiety attack. It's so hard to have any confidence that there are any good men out there right now. And on that note, even if a good man exists, do I really want one in my life? Doesn't that automatically determine I will be doing someone else's cooking and cleaning and generally taking care of another person with out any thanks and appreciation while he makes you feel like a crazy bitch for requesting that at some point some of your needs should be filled? Maybe my concept of a relationship is just really fucked up. Maybe there are relationships where I will not come out of the other side feeling depleted of everything I have to give. This bitter rage is just echoing through every part of my body right now! I hate him! I hate all of the hims that I trusted with my sanity. What is left of my sanity right now is less than questionable. There is not any happiness to be found through a man. The only happiness to be found will only come from me. It's amazing to me that anyone has not been burned enough to trust the person they love.
After four years, four years, of begging you, pleading with you to love me the way I deserve this is where we are at. This is not my fault. I am an amazing girlfriend. The fact that you realized this too late is also not my fault. You critiqued my every move, making me second guess my every confidence. You were never concerned with whether or not I was satisfied, until I stopped sleeping with you. You never understood that when you choose unpacking your suitcase over the girl who just picked you up from the airport in nothing but a trench coat and heels that you destroy her desire to have you. And still I kept you in my life for two more years! What the fuck was I thinking? Did I really not respect myself enough to know that the way you treated me was uncalled for? And now you have the audacity to try and make me talk to you about our relationship. How many nights did I spend screaming at you, begging you to realize that our relationship was not working for me? Don't you remember me keeping you awake because you would not acknowledge that we had issues? Us working on it always turned into me working on it. That was completely unfair for you to put that burden on me and each time I failed at fixing us I lost a little more hope in love. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. You told me Safeway's cookies were better than my homemade cookies! I have not baked for you since! Are you retarded? Really? You Asshole!!! I let myself go. I stopped caring about how I looked, what I did with my life, my passions. I couldn't write, I couldn't sing, I couldn't make art, all because you depleted my soul to an empty shell. So to say I'm bitter is a minor understatement. I have nothing left to give you and I never will. The last I tried to give you, you grabbed my arm, gave me the look of death and pushed me off of you. I will never forgive you for that.
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