This Christmas was not what I hoped for in so many ways and in so many ways it was more than what I could ask for. I figured out that this was the first Christmas I have been single in 9 years. I have also figured out that there are two women in my life who have shut down and stopped living thanks mostly in part to having been emotionally and physically abused by men. I had the displeasure of witnessing the shell of what used to be my grandmother. I missed the last years she still inhabited her body and I'm absolutely heartbroken by it. I didn't even recognize her. She barely knew who I was. She has always been the strongest woman I know and such a rock and guiding beacon in my life and she is not here anymore. Instead, there is this thing that somewhat resembles my grandmother in shape and color but in no other way. How does this happen to someone who was so good at making the best of a shitty life? Why now? I feel like it is now my official duty to overuse all the qualities she instilled in me as a child and young woman. Today I grew up in a way that was very painful for me. But the good news is that I experienced a new pain today and I dealt with it in a healthy way. I neither drank myself passed out nor did I binge and purge. On that note I have not experienced bulimic symptoms in months. And given all I have been through, this is really an accomplishment for me.
Right now is just really a low moment for me. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.
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