An Opportunity

3 mores days. It seems like a lifetime and a matter of seconds all at once. The anticipation is so amazing. Excited, and scared, and sad, and happy, and angry, and confused, all of these things have me wrapped up in this tangled web of emotion. All of these things contribute to the baggage that I need to lose if I ever hope to find love in my life again. I feel so let down by love right now. I have let myself fall and 2 out of 3 have let me hit the ground at full speed. The 3rd, well, he's great but I don't find that I am still attracted to him. Maybe I will never date another man who has an "A" name. How can you spend five years professing your love to me only to tell me you don't want me in your life and on that note, how can you spend 4 years ignoring me, only to tell me you can't live with out me? What the fuck? Both of you can kiss my ass. Neither of you deserve me and both of you have left me with scars that run deep. So deep, I'm not sure I will ever be able to shake them. So deep, I'm afraid I will never trust anyone else to actually love me in a healthy, stable relationship kind of way. This part of my life is an absolute disaster right now. There is so much I need to untangle and learn about myself and I'm really very excited about having an opportunity to do so. I really feel like burying myself in a cave for a few months. I need to learn how to take care of myself again. I need to learn to find happiness in who I am and what my life has provided for me.

Nervous Nausea

My nerves are starting to frazzle more quickly. I'm am so scared about this move, I'm so scared I'm making a huge mistake. I'm nervous about couch surfing, I'm nervous about my new job, I'm nervous about being so close to the scum of the earth. I'm nervous I won't be able to afford my new apartment. I'm nervous that everything I want to take is not going to fit into my car. I'm scared about my cat moving in with my parents. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared that I can't love again. This whole thing is TERRIFYING!

Dear Scum of the Earth,

You know exactly who you are. This is a "letter" to try to ease the pain you have left behind when you so ruthlessly took away so many pieces of me. You stole a piece of my heart, my body, and my dignity. You have taken every opportunity available to you to break my heart and screw with my life, my sanity, and my confidence. This time, I will not let you win. You will not have the effect on my life I previously granted you. What was I thinking? Why would I ever forgive you for blessing me with a body image that was so terrible that I still, to this day, struggle with eating disorders? Now, you have taken the initiative to forsake my values. I can not let you fuck with my life on this one. You gave me every reason to believe you were still in love with me. You were the one who looked at me with adoring eyes, and told me how much you missed my feet, and asked me if you could give me a massage. You were the one who told me how much you missed my smile and that I was the least crazy of all the women in your life. What is wrong with you? You knew my relationship was over, you knew that I was there because I still had feelings for you and you took advantage of the situation and now you want nothing to do with me. You are a coward and a fool and I hope you rot in hell you terrible piece of shit excuse for a person.

Worst wishes,

You know who...