I have written a stellar outline for my college admissions essay. I have written a great budget that I will hopefully be able to stick to. I have a trip planned to Chicago in October that should be a blast. This in my life are good. At any rate, I'm still working through my past relationships, trying to sort out my emotions and what happened in these relationships to fuck me up as badly as I feel I have been fucked up. I feel stubborn in my fortitude against being able to fall for a boy, completely, again. How can I? They break me. They turn me into someone who is unrecognizable to who I really am. This weekend should be a blast. The concert/block party, hanging out with Holly and Emily, going to Boulder and possibly fire dancers. Again, another busy weekend for me.
Since I heard from Andrew, and he told me I had inspired change, a part of me feels like he owes it to me to give me the opportunity to experience the changes that I inspired. I was steadfast for so long in such an unhappy space that I want to feel like it was worth something in the end; that my time was not wasted. For me to go back to him would defeat every single purpose I have worked towards in the last year. Do I really want to go back to someone who made me feel like he did? No! I believe these feelings of retribution to be completely natural but I would like them to go away, now.
I'm not ready to start a new relationship. I don't feel like I am who I want to be, yet. I need the boys in my life to be 100% patient with my need for life reform and they will be well rewarded.
I miss Derek. I hate that I don't get to talk to him anymore. Some of my best conversation was with him; what a blast! I don't know if he is busy or just not really interested in actually being friends but he just seems irritated when I initiate conversation so I will not be doing that, going forward. I am legitimately sad over the loss of having him in my life. I don't think he has any idea either and I think it's better to keep it that way.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
A Ranting on Futures
The show I'm watching is all about the female orgasm. It's incredibly interesting. I was able to wear something more fall-like tonight and it made me very happy. My next self-improvement goal is to develop an ability to pursue conversation with perfect strangers out and about. This is completely out of my comfort zone and this is the very reason I feel like it's a great idea to take on the challenge.
This weekend has been very relaxing for me. I have not had an opportunity to do so many things just for myself in a very long time. Taking a moment to make myself happy, just, simply, me, was fulfilling beyond description. I often wonder if I will ever really heal. There are still moments from my past that I am very disturbed by; and, I realize that these are the moments that have shaped who I am and who I will be. I realize that I like who I am and who I am shaping out to be. But on that note, I was not strong enough to defer a man from raping me. And I am not strong enough to let it go. I don't even remember what his name was. My coping mechanism is simply to forget the bad things that happen to me. My ability to forget is likely why I still find myself in and out of love with Austin. It's such a blessing that he reminds me of all the ways he was horrible to me. How did I find myself so unaware at the unhealthiness of my relationship with Andrew? Where and when did I lose myself in that scenario?
I'm a scared little girl hiding inside the body and mind of a blossoming young woman. Who am I and what am I capable of? I am capable of surviving rape and an abusive relationship to emerge and begin my life from scratch in a new city. I am capable of redefining myself and recovering from an eating disorder that nearly ruined my life. I am capable of slowly, but surely, putting myself through school; not because I am unsuccessful without a degree but because I would like to achieve so much more. I hold a job that many are accepting straight out of college. I put myself in compromising, difficult, and uncomfortable situations in order to challenge myself to emerge from them a better person.
And in this moment, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that the direction I would like to move in my life is not coming to fruition as quickly as I would like for it to. I am impatient beyond description. I make things happen and do not take well to waiting for other people to do their part. I would prefer to just do it for them so I can move on to the next thing. I don't sit still, and am almost always multi-tasking.
It is my goal to finish my degree in Economics and Urban Planning and then to continue into a graduate program in Urban Planning. I will be creating an opportunity to develop community. I will build urban gardens and plan cities so that they are economical, ecologically friendly and build a sense of neighborhood. Community is a fundamental source of importance in my life and I fear that this society has lost a trust for each other and in that, lost an important sense of community. It effects the way we interact, our quality of life, the way we raise our children, our physical and mental health and is overall going to be the downfall of our society if we do not take steps to regain our sense of community. How do we learn to respect the fundamental differences of our neighbors if we do not even take the steps to get to know them? We will always fear what we do not know.
This weekend has been very relaxing for me. I have not had an opportunity to do so many things just for myself in a very long time. Taking a moment to make myself happy, just, simply, me, was fulfilling beyond description. I often wonder if I will ever really heal. There are still moments from my past that I am very disturbed by; and, I realize that these are the moments that have shaped who I am and who I will be. I realize that I like who I am and who I am shaping out to be. But on that note, I was not strong enough to defer a man from raping me. And I am not strong enough to let it go. I don't even remember what his name was. My coping mechanism is simply to forget the bad things that happen to me. My ability to forget is likely why I still find myself in and out of love with Austin. It's such a blessing that he reminds me of all the ways he was horrible to me. How did I find myself so unaware at the unhealthiness of my relationship with Andrew? Where and when did I lose myself in that scenario?
I'm a scared little girl hiding inside the body and mind of a blossoming young woman. Who am I and what am I capable of? I am capable of surviving rape and an abusive relationship to emerge and begin my life from scratch in a new city. I am capable of redefining myself and recovering from an eating disorder that nearly ruined my life. I am capable of slowly, but surely, putting myself through school; not because I am unsuccessful without a degree but because I would like to achieve so much more. I hold a job that many are accepting straight out of college. I put myself in compromising, difficult, and uncomfortable situations in order to challenge myself to emerge from them a better person.
And in this moment, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that the direction I would like to move in my life is not coming to fruition as quickly as I would like for it to. I am impatient beyond description. I make things happen and do not take well to waiting for other people to do their part. I would prefer to just do it for them so I can move on to the next thing. I don't sit still, and am almost always multi-tasking.
It is my goal to finish my degree in Economics and Urban Planning and then to continue into a graduate program in Urban Planning. I will be creating an opportunity to develop community. I will build urban gardens and plan cities so that they are economical, ecologically friendly and build a sense of neighborhood. Community is a fundamental source of importance in my life and I fear that this society has lost a trust for each other and in that, lost an important sense of community. It effects the way we interact, our quality of life, the way we raise our children, our physical and mental health and is overall going to be the downfall of our society if we do not take steps to regain our sense of community. How do we learn to respect the fundamental differences of our neighbors if we do not even take the steps to get to know them? We will always fear what we do not know.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
What will be will be
I am taking the steps in my life to create some normalcy. I have grocery delivery and Sunday post delivery. I will be establishing routine, making most of my meals at home, a regular television schedule, a sense of self that I have been fulfilling with dates and outings and I'm ready to slow down, I'm ready to focus on me and to be perfectly okay with my life and my place in my life. I may go to the botanic gardens tomorrow, since I'm done with all of my chores today. What a restful weekend this has been! Or maybe I'll read in the park. Either way it will be my afternoon. I will have coffee and a newspaper and breakfast with Emily in the morning and a visit to the park in the afternoon. I am okay. I am an amazing person who deserves to be surrounded by nothing less than amazing people. What Andrew did to me has nothing to do with me and most men would never consider what he did to me as acceptable. I don't have time in my life for boys who dont call. I deserve and will find better than that. I will find someone to play scrabble and jenga with on Sunday night and wake up with in the morning and who will think I'm crazy and beautiful and love me for every bit of who I am. Because I like who I am and you should too. It seems like it's harder for me to find someone in my life now that I have such a greater sense and appreciation of who I am than when I was a lost and lonely child in my earlier dating career. Maybe it's not that it's harder, but that my standards are higher and so far, my standards have yet to be met on a level that I'm completely comfortable with. The lawyer is nice and I would like to see where that goes, but it's not looking like he is going to call again. que sera sera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-toV371PA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-toV371PA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Effing a, cotton
I am just all kinds of bummed out right now. It is a literal meltdown going on in this apartment. I don't really have a clear understanding of why my anxiety is so out of control, tonight. My next step will be to find myself a therapist. These meltdowns are obnoxious. I feel like I have a void in my life and I cant figure out what it is that I'm missing. I feel like I'm missing pieces of myself that were stolen from me when Andrew compromised my trust with his actions. I don't trust that I can choose a man who will not compromise me. I'm in a dark sea of infinite sadness in this moment. This is a pain unlike anything I can remember. I want so badly to let myself fall in love again but the second I find myself in that position again, I become overcome with terror over the what ifs and will I be able to handles. I think this rationale explains my behavior and attitude toward men over this summer. Dont get me wrong, it's been a blast, but I have chewed my way through men like they were going out of style. Always one to need control, I was in an out of control need for complete control over my romantic interpersonal relationships. I decided when and if I saw a boy and for how long and the one time I was being broken up with, I was still in control of the situation. I don't want to control things anymore. I want to let go of my wall and be out of control and fall in love. Reckless, irresponsible love and I want for him to not destroy me.
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