Effing a, cotton

I am just all kinds of bummed out right now. It is a literal meltdown going on in this apartment. I don't really have a clear understanding of why my anxiety is so out of control, tonight. My next step will be to find myself a therapist. These meltdowns are obnoxious. I feel like I have a void in my life and I cant figure out what it is that I'm missing. I feel like I'm missing pieces of myself that were stolen from me when Andrew compromised my trust with his actions. I don't trust that I can choose a man who will not compromise me. I'm in a dark sea of infinite sadness in this moment. This is a pain unlike anything I can remember. I want so badly to let myself fall in love again but the second I find myself in that position again, I become overcome with terror over the what ifs and will I be able to handles. I think this rationale explains my behavior and attitude toward men over this summer. Dont get me wrong, it's been a blast, but I have chewed my way through men like they were going out of style. Always one to need control, I was in an out of control need for complete control over my romantic interpersonal relationships. I decided when and if I saw a boy and for how long and the one time I was being broken up with, I was still in control of the situation. I don't want to control things anymore. I want to let go of my wall and be out of control and fall in love. Reckless, irresponsible love and I want for him to not destroy me.