Enough

I have written a stellar outline for my college admissions essay. I have written a great budget that I will hopefully be able to stick to. I have a trip planned to Chicago in October that should be a blast. This in my life are good. At any rate, I'm still working through my past relationships, trying to sort out my emotions and what happened in these relationships to fuck me up as badly as I feel I have been fucked up. I feel stubborn in my fortitude against being able to fall for a boy, completely, again. How can I? They break me. They turn me into someone who is unrecognizable to who I really am. This weekend should be a blast. The concert/block party, hanging out with Holly and Emily, going to Boulder and possibly fire dancers. Again, another busy weekend for me.

Since I heard from Andrew, and he told me I had inspired change, a part of me feels like he owes it to me to give me the opportunity to experience the changes that I inspired. I was steadfast for so long in such an unhappy space that I want to feel like it was worth something in the end; that my time was not wasted. For me to go back to him would defeat every single purpose I have worked towards in the last year. Do I really want to go back to someone who made me feel like he did? No! I believe these feelings of retribution to be completely natural but I would like them to go away, now.

I'm not ready to start a new relationship. I don't feel like I am who I want to be, yet. I need the boys in my life to be 100% patient with my need for life reform and they will be well rewarded.

I miss Derek. I hate that I don't get to talk to him anymore. Some of my best conversation was with him; what a blast! I don't know if he is busy or just not really interested in actually being friends but he just seems irritated when I initiate conversation so I will not be doing that, going forward. I am legitimately sad over the loss of having him in my life. I don't think he has any idea either and I think it's better to keep it that way.