A Ranting on Futures

The show I'm watching is all about the female orgasm. It's incredibly interesting. I was able to wear something more fall-like tonight and it made me very happy. My next self-improvement goal is to develop an ability to pursue conversation with perfect strangers out and about. This is completely out of my comfort zone and this is the very reason I feel like it's a great idea to take on the challenge.

This weekend has been very relaxing for me. I have not had an opportunity to do so many things just for myself in a very long time. Taking a moment to make myself happy, just, simply, me, was fulfilling beyond description. I often wonder if I will ever really heal. There are still moments from my past that I am very disturbed by; and, I realize that these are the moments that have shaped who I am and who I will be. I realize that I like who I am and who I am shaping out to be. But on that note, I was not strong enough to defer a man from raping me. And I am not strong enough to let it go. I don't even remember what his name was. My coping mechanism is simply to forget the bad things that happen to me. My ability to forget is likely why I still find myself in and out of love with Austin. It's such a blessing that he reminds me of all the ways he was horrible to me. How did I find myself so unaware at the unhealthiness of my relationship with Andrew? Where and when did I lose myself in that scenario?

I'm a scared little girl hiding inside the body and mind of a blossoming young woman. Who am I and what am I capable of? I am capable of surviving rape and an abusive relationship to emerge and begin my life from scratch in a new city. I am capable of redefining myself and recovering from an eating disorder that nearly ruined my life. I am capable of slowly, but surely, putting myself through school; not because I am unsuccessful without a degree but because I would like to achieve so much more. I hold a job that many are accepting straight out of college. I put myself in compromising, difficult, and uncomfortable situations in order to challenge myself to emerge from them a better person.

And in this moment, I am frustrated. I am frustrated that the direction I would like to move in my life is not coming to fruition as quickly as I would like for it to. I am impatient beyond description. I make things happen and do not take well to waiting for other people to do their part. I would prefer to just do it for them so I can move on to the next thing. I don't sit still, and am almost always multi-tasking.

It is my goal to finish my degree in Economics and Urban Planning and then to continue into a graduate program in Urban Planning. I will be creating an opportunity to develop community. I will build urban gardens and plan cities so that they are economical, ecologically friendly and build a sense of neighborhood. Community is a fundamental source of importance in my life and I fear that this society has lost a trust for each other and in that, lost an important sense of community. It effects the way we interact, our quality of life, the way we raise our children, our physical and mental health and is overall going to be the downfall of our society if we do not take steps to regain our sense of community. How do we learn to respect the fundamental differences of our neighbors if we do not even take the steps to get to know them? We will always fear what we do not know.