Harder to Remain

Do you ever just feel like your whole world is on the precipice of change?  It's like I'm standing on the ledge of something awaiting my moment to jump.  And I'm crazy anxious about it.  Maybe it's the next two years of undergrad I need to conquer that has me feeling this way.  I measured it out, tonight.  After next semester all of my core classes will be done and if I take 15 credits this and next semester and then 18 for the following two I will need to finish up with 2 hours to take over the summer of 2014 and that can be accomplished with an internship or like an interpretive clay modeling in the 16th century class.  Grad school will not require that I take the GRE so long as I maintain or improve my 3.0 GPA.  With my core classes behind me, this should not be a problem.  After some research tonight, I've determined that I will probably want to pursue work in the private sector.  It's growing much faster than the public, is a more glamorous job, pays better and has more opportunity for growth.

This is how I picture my dream life at the moment.  I finish my undergrad in the next two years and use those additional credit hours for the summer of 2014 to do an internship in Chicago or somewhere else. (it will be perfect because my lease will be up right around that time).  I come back and start grad school in the fall of 2014. I will have finished grad school by 2016, at which time I will have worked through an internship and a mentorship which will have secured employment post graduation for me. If all is perfect, it will be the TOD associate position with RTD.  I will stay in my cheap apartment for another year or two, paying off some debt and saving some money so that I can purchase a condo or townhouse in the highlands somewhere.  When I have my own place I will get a dog, maybe a beagle.  And maybe by this time there will be a man in my life whom I'm serious about and we can consider making our relationship contractual through a marriage license.  I will also own a Vespa by this time.  By my judgement of my perfect life analysis, I should have my shit together right around the time I turn 30.  I'm right on track.  And also a little neurotic.

I'm ready for my favorite few months of the year also known as Autumn.  Cooler weather, fall harvests, the smell of crispness as the leaves turn, the colors of everything, scarves and boots and my ultra awesome Halloween costume I still need to get to work on.  I will be the best Mad Hatter, ever.

My life goals and track for reaching them are by far the most focused and least abstract and vague they have ever been.  I think this is a sign that I'm getting my shit together for real finally.  I have a very clear picture of my future and it will likely change but the clarity of what I see for myself makes me feel very confident about where I am going with life.

This long-lost friendship I'm redeveloping is rekindling feelings I haven't had in nearly 6 years.  I forgot about them, they got lost in the shuffle of the complication of the relationship that followed.  I'm really a very fickle person when it comes down to it.  It's taken me a very long time to reach this level of forgiveness and this whole time I've been reinforcing the wall that surrounds my heart while I rebuilt the shattered remains of my untrusting, misguided, confidence lacking heart.  And now that it is rebuilt and reinforced I'm really on guard with what/who I let in.  I think I'm ready to let someone in but I'm only available to those who are serious with their intentions.  Willy nilly, for fun, non-serious, non-committal, hit it and quit it boys need not apply.  With school fast approaching, though, I doubt I'll have time for dating anyhow.  I have a picture of what I want.  But, at this point, I don't see that it is even a remote possibility.  Time is on my side though, and I have no reason to be in a hurry.  I have no reason to settle for anyone who isn't the one I need them to be.

My life is and will be a wonderful place to occupy.

Saturday Afternoons and Naps

Survival requires that we be nimble, open to change and resourceful.  I always have been able to do the very best I can with the resources and information I have available to me.  This, I believe qualifies me to consider myself a survivor.  Strength and character and will to move forward, sometimes I lack these qualities.  

I'm a really big fan of Southern cooking techniques and flavors and ingredients.  The South tends to creep into Midwestern culture so much of what I grew up with was an extension of many Southern traditions.  Recently, I've become an advocate of the biscuit.  I think I'll start making more of them.  

Today I made pasta salad to eat throughout next week.  I also started the process of making tortillas and I'll use them for breakfast burritos.  Cooking really is the only method of meditation I know...I forget single thing that may be stressing me out and for a moment in time I am just focused on one goal, delicious, beautiful food.  

This afternoon, I will take a nap

Somedays, it would be really nice to have someone to cook with and for, to have someone to cuddle up with on the couch with while we, together watch movies on Saturday afternoon.  Somedays it would be nice to have someone to go to jazz in the park with and explore Ikea with.  I'm perfectly content with my life and who I am and what I'm doing with my life. I think I'm accomplishing some amazing personal goals and have and incredible group of people who love me and call me a friend or family.  Somedays, it would be nice to have my own personal cheerleader who kisses me goodnight, whose hair I could play with when I need to keep my hands busy.  But surely I will continue to keep on keepin' on at being awesome and single.  Surely, I will survive, like always.  I have now doubled the amount of time I've been single in my life, since I was 13, in the last year and 9 months.  I think there is something to be said for myself with that.  

Between the raspberry thicket behind my apartment and the plum tree at work, I should have enough fruit for the summer.  I'm pretty excited about it.  

I think I want to get this shelf and use it as a room divider.  I can put plants on the top and use the bottom shelves, which will be hidden as extra kitchen storage.  Kylie is giving me a 3 shelf thing that I can put fabric drawers in that I will convert to extra clothing storage and also a night stand that I am going to put in the hall near the bathroom and use it to store towels and extra bathroom stuff.  There will be a wall shelf in my bathroom and and 3 wall shelves as a kind of headboard.  I want to get a big statement piece of art for above my bed and maybe wall decals for the opposite wall.  I want to plant my herbs, get some succulents, a jasmine plant and an aloe plant.  All of this should free up some closet space

I Kind of Miss Your Broken Smile

Because I can't get this song out of my head, lately.

The sun comes up and five years gone
Life goes on, life goes on
I wonder how you're gettin' by
The sun goes down and I feel blue
Now I toss 'cause my minds on you
I kind of miss your broken smile


Save part of yourself for me
Won't you save part of yourself for me


I remember you and me
Lost and young dumb and free
Unaware of years to come
Just a whisper in the dark
On the pavement in the park
You taught me how to love someone


When we walk into the sun
Or burn below for what we've done
Will you still call out for me
Turn to light or fade to black
Don't look back, no you don't look back
I will always remember you


The sun came up and five years gone
Life goes on, yes life goes on
I hope you caught up with your dreams
I hope you saved part of yourself for me

Feelings of Extreme Melodrama

Today was a great day and this one moment of bummed-outness is not going to ruin the whole day.  But I came home to find four very close friends all checked in at a girl's night that I neither knew about nor was invited to and it bummed me out. It stings of childhood, a bit.  We grow older and we think we grow out of those things but the pang of exclusion still hurts on a certain primal level.  I couldn't have even gone so I don't know why I'm getting all bent out of shape over it.  But it really makes me not want to speak to any of them for a good long while.  I might even have a small cry over it.  It's like it's that one small straw that is finally going to break me into the meltdown I haven't had in a while.  It's cool.  I'll get over it. But holy fuck am I stressed out over how I'm going to handle the next month and a  half of my life.  I think I will withdraw from society and do nothing but go to work and come home.

It's weird.  On my way home I was feeling high with happiness.  It's a beautiful night and I walked through a beautiful neighborhood all the way home.

Where all the houses look like this:

And all the gardens look like this:

And I always feel like I'm in some kind of enchanted fairy tale while I daydream on my walk home.

And on the subject of daydreaming, I caught myself doing an extra-special lot of it, today.  I could not focus on anything.  

I kept thinking about my dream wedding; I was being such damn girly girl.  What the hell?  I don't do things like daydream about weddings.  But since I did do it, I am going to tell all about what I came up with. 

I pictured a brunch wedding at a Victorian style farmhouse with a large yard and a barn.  I picture hay bales, burlap and lace; sunflowers, lavender and wheat. I picture a huge brunch spread that he and I made most of and little jam favors and this cake:

Okay, I'm going to take a shower and allow myself to wallow in self-pity briefly before get over it and move on with my life with my big girl panties pulled up. 

Obamacare, Growth Communism, and Egg Rolls

For the first moment, in a great long while, I am truly proud of my country.  Today, the Supreme Court voted to uphold the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare).  What a ray of hope for the people of this country.

I think it's selfish to think that, as Americans, we are entitled to massive plots of cheap land that we can pilfer and ruin.  I like the idea of dense urban areas.  In terms of efficiency, in a world of scarcer and scarcer resources, dense urban centers are the future of human inhabitation.  People use less resources this way.  Dense urban centers with mass transit eliminate so many wasteful American habits.  When I surround myself with people who have the same ideas about these things as I do, I forget that there is a dissenting opinion.


"The protesters clearly feel there is a form of Moses-style planning going on today, but rather than highways, it’s high-speed rail and transit, and compact, mixed-use, dense development, all of which are designed to bring about long-term sustainability. As one Florida Tea Party activist put it, "compact development aka smart growth, aka New Urbanism, aka Traditional Neighborhood Design, aka Transit Oriented Development, aka Livable Communities, aka Sustainable Development ... are all names meaning the same thing: they are anti-suburban, high-density dwelling design concepts that are part of the UN's Agenda 21 and will make single family home ownership for our posterity unattainable." Another summed it up this way: “We don’t want none of your smart growth communism." -From http://www.theatlanticcities.com/politics/2011/12/how-tea-party-upending-urban-planning/718/


Smart growth communism?  Really?  How about backwoods, wasteful, obesity inducing resistance to ideas that could possibly make your world and my world a more enjoyable place to live; a place that resembles how people used to live, knowing your neighbors, with a greater sense of community and civic duty.  And in terms of taking away to opportunity for the next generation to live in single family homes(suburbs)? There are countless studies showing that my generation has little interest interest in theses values.  What you're really worried about, here, is you chose a shitty investment house in a neighborhood that is no longer desirable and you are worried you will not get your perceived value when you are ready to sell your house and move into a dense urban area when you retire.  Suburban housing will likely still be around with new urbanism and it will likely be really cheap considering there is less of a buying market for it.  So my generation will have plenty of opportunity.  Clearly this argument is invalid.  


I also believe well-manicured lawns in the desert are the downfall of society.  But I'm off topic.  


Onto a new topic, I made the most amazing egg rolls last night.

I used brussels sprouts instead of cabbage because I didn't want to hassle with a whole cabbage and carrots, onion, green onion, jalapeno, celery and soy sauce.  My sauce was honey, soy and vinegar.  They were possibly the best vegetarian egg rolls I've ever had and I'm quite proud of myself.  


Andrew and I are talking about the possibility of him coming to visit sometime. I'm really liking this idea.  And if I know one thing about Andrew, as opposed to my last out of town visitor, he will never try to force things along at a quicker speed than they should go, or try to convince me or coerce me to say or do things I'm not ready for.  I like being friends with him.  We always were really great friends.  

The New Normal

Self-absorbed is the new normal, writes the author of this piece. It's an interesting paradigm to consider.  I know I certainly talk, a lot, about myself through my blog, but essentially, my blog is what many would have considered to be their diaries in time past and I feel like in this forum, it's completely appropriate to talk about myself.  Pinterest is a forum where I do quite a bit of self-posting, my hopes, my dreams, things I want, recipes I want to try.  However, I also post about gifts for other people and ways that I feel I can help people and make a difference in other people's lives and programs that make differences in other people's lives.  Facebook, lately, has been a forum for spreading ideas and connecting with people.  Though there are times when my posts are definitely self-absobed me posts.  But I definitely can see where the author is coming from.  It just may not be nearly as bad as they report.

My internship is proving to be an incredibly valuable experience.  I hadn't intended for it be as awesome as it's turning out to be but now that I'm involved with building and redeveloping the Smart's  program for the BBB, I LOVE it.  With my contributions, I will actually be able to make possibly a significant difference in the lives of disadvantaged young people.  I'm so, incredibly passionate about what I'm doing there that it makes me a little teary to talk about it.  What a huge difference passion makes in how much I like my job.  This is noted for when I start making big career decisions.

This state is in a desperate need for a good rain dance.  It's uncomfortably dry and everything keeps starting on fire.  Scary business.  It makes me wonder if there will be a fireworks ban.  I would actually prefer that there be a fireworks ban because I'm a grinch and thing fireworks are awful.  Fireworks, tacky Christmas decorations, stuffed animals, cuddling, all things that are vastly overrated.  And this makes me a bit of a grinch.  However, I own this part of my personality and don't give a damn.

It feels good to be tired at the end of the day.  I think I'll go to bed early, tonight.

Internal Rant Turned Out

Over the weekend, my neighborhood association hosted a "Better Block" project.  On our way to go check out this thing I was very excited to see I came across a series of posters indicating dissent towards the project because of concerns of gentrification.  Maybe I don't have enough information and maybe I'm speaking from a place of ignorance but I just can't wrap my head around establishing businesses and cleaning up a neighborhood being a bad form of gentrification.  Displacement of minorities is not what projects like this are about.  And yes, rent and property values have a tendency to go up when a neighborhood cleans itself up and I get how that can be a bad thing for some people.  What irritates me is that for this reason alone, we shouldn't make an attempt to make beautiful, sustainable, memorable places?  We can't stop making progress towards a better environment for all people because of the fears of people who refuse to get on board with the idea of change.  Simply accepting the status quo and expecting improvement is insanity and there are so many institutions and people in this country who want just that and it is irritating.  I should do some more research on the negative parts of neighborhood redevelopment so maybe I can have a little more empathy towards these groups who don't believe in improving their neighborhoods.  Okay, enough on that rant.  It's been an ongoing internal rant for a bit. I had to put it out there.

I'm making vegetarian Thai summer rolls tonight and I'm super excited about it.  Finally, I've started being able to properly brain storm good hot weather recipes.  Let me rephrase that, good hot weather recipes for a girl who is going to be broke for the entire month of July.  Whatever, it will be good to get used to slowing down my life for a month because I simply have no other choice.  It should be a kick start to the slow my life down project.

I think I want to disappear for the month of July.

Of the year so far

I have been focused on all the ways I plan to decorate my awesome little apartment.  I like this focus so much more than the others I've been pursuing for a while.  Frames and plants and shelves and linens, someday I will have a truly aesthetically beautiful home.

I'm a little bit excited that I'll be working half day Saturdays.  It will keep me from going out very often on Friday nights.  This means I should almost never be at Jackson's.  Thank God. I just have to stay focused on making my own improvements.  Making my environment a place of comfort and peace is a good place to focus my energy right now.

Forgiveness is simple and tricky.  

The heat is going to be the death of me.  It's making everything more difficult; cooking for myself, getting out and running my errands, sleeping, keeping my emotions in check.  In terms of keeping my emotions in check, I'm crazy emotional this evening.  It seems as though my friendship with a good friend will never be the same and I don't know why.  She won't have a conversation with me beyond lecturing me about her opinion of why I screwed up my relationship brief shit-show relationship.  This is infuriating to me.  Relationships can fail because two people are not compatible.  We had two different definitions of speed to move, rigidity of lifestyle and opinion and the like and this is why our relationship failed.  If you want to call it a relationship and I don't because that thing was giant fucking joke.  And all that I'm asking is that she, as someone who I considered to be one of my closest friends, help me pick up the pieces and send me my stuff back.  I've not asked her to take a side or form an opinion.  She has not even asked if I am okay or offered to let me talk about it.  At this point I'm really disappointed with how she is handling me and whatever issue she is having and I don't think I want to work at forcing a friendship to work with her anymore.  She doesn't follow through on anything she tells me she will do.  And when she tells me she will call that night and doesn't or even acknowledge that this is kind of a dick move, it just makes me feel sad.  And a friendship that is this much of a constant source of sadness is a toxic friendship.  I'm pretty disappointed about the whole thing.  I guess that's part of growing up.  

After speaking with Andrew, last night, I can't really define how I feel about the whole thing.  Somehow, I was able to strip away all the layers of protection that man puts around his feelings.  It meant a lot to me for him to apologize so sincerely about what had happened between us.  I'm pretty unclear on how I feel about him.  It seems pointless to agonize over it, so I won't.  What will be, will be.  

Kelsey's friend Tom asked me to see a movie with him.  I think, pure assumption, that this is him asking me on a date.  I'm feeling a little agony over it because I think he's nice but I don't think I'm interested in dating anyone until I sort my shit out with Andrew and all the other components of my life I'm adjusting to, at the moment.  

After my cold bath tonight, I felt like I had a bit of energy to pick up my apartment and put my life back together.  I'm hungry as all hell.  Probably has something to do with my being hormonal.  Because I'm also cranky as hell.  

I'm tired.

Beautiful Day

My absolutely perfect morning.

Scrambled eggs on toast, strawberries, coffee, lemon water and quiet calm.

I couldn't ask for a better last day

Today I said goodbye to my Single Girl lifestyle in a send off of my Single Girl blog.  It is going to be a new experiment of calm and well thought out for me, at this point in my life.  

It should also save me a considerable amount of money to live more simply and quietly.  Three cheers for that!

These Are Better Days

Three cheers for me, right now.  My third night in a row for staying in and I'm not going bat-shit crazy. Project calm the eff down and be a grown up (for the most part) is okay so far.

This project is about complete and total respect for my life and what I deserve from myself and want for my life.  And I don't have time for people who don't contribute to my meaningful life project.  This also means making more time for the people who do.  Today I started reaching out to friends whom I've found myself in a disconnect with.

I found the most beautiful Papyrus card with a poppy on it for Judy.  I have felt like the world's largest asshole for falling off the face of the earth with her after Andrew and I broke up.  It was too painful, at the time.   I sent my apology and acknowledgment of her contribution to my life in the mail, tonight.  I'm on the edge of a little bit emotional about it.

Tea tree oil is a fantastic addition to my life.  It clears up acne over night, is an antiseptic, is all natural and makes me smell like a damn hippy.

Musings On the Happiness That The Clouds Are Bringing Today

What a huge lesson it is to learn to manage my expectations.  I'm finding it has a dramatic influence on my quality of life.  Why have expectations for any person outside of my self?  My reality has consisted of believing that I could depend on certain things from certain people and what an unfair assumption for me to hold for people.

This morning has been nothing short of beautiful.  The heat wave has broken for the morning, I'm having a quiet morning listening to story tellers and sipping my hot cup of coffee.  And having epiphanies.  It's time to let go of all of my hard feelings.  They are serving no purpose of any good in my life and they need to go.

Monday I join the ranks of the real world again.  I'm excited and scared.  My whole world is going to be dramatically different again.  I'm hoping the added routine will help me to slow my life back down to borderline boring.  I want to do that for awhile until I get tired of it.  And we all know that I will get tired of it.

I don't think I'm going to talk to Kurtis anymore.

Actually, I just can't picture how a man could add anything beneficial to my life at this point.  Look at all the wonderful things I've accomplished on my own.  I'm back in school with some direction as to where I want to go in my life.  I have a beautiful apartment in a splendid neighborhood.  I've learned to manage my meltdowns.  I have a good grasp the nuances of my feelings and personality and what sets me off.  I've been to a therapist.  I've redeveloped my relationship with my mom, with both my parents really.  I feel more centered and grounded and I'm in the best physical shape I've been in in years.  And though I'm not perfectly the person I know I can be, I still have something to work towards.  I am okay.

I'm working on the most amazing project at my internship right now.  I'm so so so happy I took that internship because this experience is really adding a new dimension to my knowing what I want to do with my life.  I've been assigned to define and redevelop the high school internship program that the BBB puts on in this area.  What a fantastic program this thing is!  They take a few kids from underserved high schools and pay them minimum wage while they give them job training and life skills and teach them financial literacy and give them contacts with in the business world through the connections to accredited businesses and really give these kids a fighting chance at a career.  And I'm helping to re-write the curriculum, drawing up the marketing materials and researching similar programs nationwide to help redevelop the program.  It's something that I'm passionate beyond passionate about and it makes such a difference to my quality of work and motivation to do my work.  And I'm doing it for free and I don't even care because at the end of the day I'm going to make a difference in somebody's life through this program.

My body feels like I've lost weight in the last few weeks.  It feels good.  I've really focused on eating really healthy, fresh food again.  Summer makes that so much easier.

I really want to convince my mom to go do a weekend trip in the mountains somewhere.  Now that I'll be working Saturdays, I'm not sure when that will happen.  Maybe Labor Day?

Recollecting My Thoughts

Things I want to accomplish in the next 6 months:

1.) Go to at least 3 more Rockies Games
2.) Go see Sunday Jazz in City Park
3.) Watch the Fire Dancers in Confluence
4.) Limit my drinking to one or less drinks per week
5.) Get a sewing machine
6.) Renew Renters insurance
7.) Start Following a regular menu for planned meals
8.) Go to a movie by myself (Maybe Batman?)
9.) Renew Denver Post
10.) Renew 5280
11.) Can peaches, tomatoes, jalapenos, strawberries, blue berries, raspberries
12.) Make more broth
13.) Make beans more often
14.) Carve a pumpkin


Now that I'm making this list, it is occurring to me that late summer and early fall are definitely my favorite time of the year.  All of the produce!  I can't wait!  Pumpkins and squashes and apples and berries and peaches.  I can't wait!

That Wasn't Me

This song just seems to feel all sorts of relevant to how I'm feeling tonight.

Fine By Me

I've spent nearly the entirety of my 25.5 years, on earth, trying desperately to be older than I am, wanting to be with those who are older, act like them, enjoy their activities, be an adult.  And through out life we become too old to enjoy things we used to love.  We grow out of things, we grow away from people, we move on from places, find new hobbies and just generally molt into newer, older versions of ourselves.

At my new, older age I am officially too old for mosh pits and punk rock.  The Warped Tour, previously the highlight of my summer has evolved into a showing of desperate youth and screaming bands in hot weather and it's just not fun anymore.  Thankfully I did not pay for the tickets.

Heat rashes are new development in my life.  These things itch like hell and seem to show up in strange areas on my body.

It won't be long now until I join the ranks of the working folks again and as thankful as I am to be considered employed again, I think I'll take some time, coming up to enjoy the last of my "vacation."

I am in love with my life, I count myself lucky to have had experienced such an incredible life.  I keep thinking it's time to start acting like a real-life adult.  But what does that even mean?  Does this mean I need to slow down?  Do less?  There are many less instances of my taking myself for granted, recently.

On the subject of Andrew.  I've been talking to him here and there and I really enjoy it.  And this frightens me on a very different level.  It makes me question who I am and what I'm willing to tolerate.  I don't know.  It's a very delicate and tricky line I walk with my own heart.  I say that I don't like to gamble, but I know this is a load of bullshit.

I think I'm longing to settle down a bit.  My friend base is slowly disappearing to different versions of their own adult lives and I'm feeling maybe a bit left behind and lost over it.  But what do I want?  I'm a 25 year old undergrad with a part time job.  I settled down once and I hated it.  I wasn't ready, probably, and as a result I've rebelled completely from anything that looks like settled down but I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted with the state of my life and I think I'm ready to slow it down.  Maybe I'll start with tomorrow.

I keep my life fast in an effort to not be alone with myself.  It's time that I face myself and get my shit together.  Let's go ahead and focus on who I am for a bit.  Let's see what we can find out about me.

Tomorrow I start the winding down of my craziness.  

Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Kim of 18 years old.

Everything is okay.  But, let me tell you, you are NEVER going to believe all the things that have happened between you then and you now.

No, you do not have a law degree.  No, you are no where near getting married (somehow I think you are okay with this, I know I am).  Hell, you have not even finished your undergrad, but don't stress about that, the economy crashes and jobs are shit right now anyway.

You will fall down, a lot.  But you just get better and better at gracefully getting back up, dusting off your knees and letting your wounds heal.

Yes, you will drop out of CU, go to art school for a spell, get a wild hair and move to Seattle, have the adventure of a lifetime, have your heart broken and move back.

Yes, you will miss out on partying in your early 20's, you will do things backwards, sideways, wrong ways, short ways and long ways, but you always do them your way and that is awesome.  Keep up with that.  And in terms of missing out on the party scene, don't worry, you make up for it when you move back home.

Austin eventually gets over you, you are now friends with Kylie, Katrina is having a baby, Abby had one while you were in Seattle and Natalie had one almost right after you moved back.  Most of your close friends end up knocked up.  Stay on birth control.  You remember the guy from Caliche who is kinda cute and pretty good at basketball?  Yeah, Kurtis Saenz.  You will randomly chance encounter him at a Rockies game, you end of sleeping with him and he ends up developing a strange crush on you.  You kind of think he's off his rocker.

Grandma Berta is not doing well.  You should spend more time with her while she knows who you are.  Appreciate everything she taught you, when you are a damn good cook who knows how to can shit and sew you will be so thankful she was such a pioneer woman.

You love to garden.  It soothes your soul.  You also love sushi but are hesitant about fish in Colorado.  Your mom is incredible and strong and loves who you've become.  Your brother is a shit show.  You are okay.  You will get through everything and emerge on the other side right here, happy.  Your life is a bit strange most times and this is great.  Love yourself, you deserve it.

Always Love,

25 year old you.

But Someday We'll All Be Old

In the exact moment I was about to find myself peacefully asleep, the thunder clap from hell sounded, and I bounded out of bed and started in on string of alarmingly strange behavior patterns.  I woke up hungry as hell.  So I decided it was appropriate to simply bite pieces of my parmesan cheese directly from the block.  Then I paced my apartment 4 or 5 times, tried to lay down in my bed, failed, moved to the couch, failed and moved between the sleeping venues for what seemed like an eternity.  Upon figuring out that none of this was leading to anything that looked like productive sleep, my brain went into think overdrive.     And I found myself drafting a word vomit of feeling type things to the one person I should likely avoid word vomiting on.

So it goes.


Finally I took a benedryl which happens to work quite well at turning my brain off and inducing sleep.  I didn't go to my volunteer internship, today, since I had only slept about 3 hours by the time is was time to be awake for that business.

The Audacity To Dare Me

I've been having some trouble coming up with words to put down in the last few days.  The top of my foot seems to be broken or injured in some way that my non-medically educated brain cannot diagnose.  It hurts like a bitch.  And the best part of the whole mess is that I have no recollection of injuring myself.  It has been determined that this is a sign that I am getting old.

I can hear thunder and am starting to smell rain.  My favorite!  I missed thunder when I was in Seattle.

Having some sense of routine, lately, seems to be making a huge difference in the state of my mental health.  I noticed, today, on my home that I was starting to feel better, stronger, less unstable.  It's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride for me for a while now and it seems like the last few days have just been particularly difficult to deal with.

I suppose when you finally come to grips with being an aunt and trusting that the baby is a part of your family only to have the Wretched Bitch get shitty drunk and inform my brother that the kid is not his.  So now I get to sit by and watch my family go through hell after throwing the Wretched Bitch a baby shower have to pick up all of the gifts and my brother's stuff and demand a paternity test through the welfare system to determine if we are tethered to this shit show for the next 18 years.  It breaks my heart on a level I didn't know existed.  And if my brother wasn't depressed to the point of seriously considering taking his life the last time he seriously considered taking his own life, I can't imagine what he is going through with this.  He finally seemed to have a reason to be happy and she has taken him through the ringer with this one.  And I'm worried.  But this is not my battle, I have to let it go.  I just wish there was someone in my life whose literal shoulder I could cry on, who would hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.

On the topic of people who used to fill that role, I have now spoken to Andrew 2 times in the last week for a few hours at a time.  I don't know what the purpose of doing this is.  I guess all I can do is give myself time to understand if I'm reaching out to him purely out of loneliness or if I'm really feeling legitimate feelings for him.  It seems like he has done a lot to improve all the things I had complaints about when we were together.  I don't know.  I would like to say that people don't change but that would indicate that I as a person could not and have not changed and I, very much so, have changed.  Right?

I can now check volunteering off of my list of things to accomplish this year.  One more accomplishment makes me happy.