I've spent nearly the entirety of my 25.5 years, on earth, trying desperately to be older than I am, wanting to be with those who are older, act like them, enjoy their activities, be an adult. And through out life we become too old to enjoy things we used to love. We grow out of things, we grow away from people, we move on from places, find new hobbies and just generally molt into newer, older versions of ourselves.
At my new, older age I am officially too old for mosh pits and punk rock. The Warped Tour, previously the highlight of my summer has evolved into a showing of desperate youth and screaming bands in hot weather and it's just not fun anymore. Thankfully I did not pay for the tickets.
Heat rashes are new development in my life. These things itch like hell and seem to show up in strange areas on my body.
It won't be long now until I join the ranks of the working folks again and as thankful as I am to be considered employed again, I think I'll take some time, coming up to enjoy the last of my "vacation."
I am in love with my life, I count myself lucky to have had experienced such an incredible life. I keep thinking it's time to start acting like a real-life adult. But what does that even mean? Does this mean I need to slow down? Do less? There are many less instances of my taking myself for granted, recently.
On the subject of Andrew. I've been talking to him here and there and I really enjoy it. And this frightens me on a very different level. It makes me question who I am and what I'm willing to tolerate. I don't know. It's a very delicate and tricky line I walk with my own heart. I say that I don't like to gamble, but I know this is a load of bullshit.
I think I'm longing to settle down a bit. My friend base is slowly disappearing to different versions of their own adult lives and I'm feeling maybe a bit left behind and lost over it. But what do I want? I'm a 25 year old undergrad with a part time job. I settled down once and I hated it. I wasn't ready, probably, and as a result I've rebelled completely from anything that looks like settled down but I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with the state of my life and I think I'm ready to slow it down. Maybe I'll start with tomorrow.
I keep my life fast in an effort to not be alone with myself. It's time that I face myself and get my shit together. Let's go ahead and focus on who I am for a bit. Let's see what we can find out about me.
Tomorrow I start the winding down of my craziness.
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