I have been focused on all the ways I plan to decorate my awesome little apartment. I like this focus so much more than the others I've been pursuing for a while. Frames and plants and shelves and linens, someday I will have a truly aesthetically beautiful home.
I'm a little bit excited that I'll be working half day Saturdays. It will keep me from going out very often on Friday nights. This means I should almost never be at Jackson's. Thank God. I just have to stay focused on making my own improvements. Making my environment a place of comfort and peace is a good place to focus my energy right now.
Forgiveness is simple and tricky.
The heat is going to be the death of me. It's making everything more difficult; cooking for myself, getting out and running my errands, sleeping, keeping my emotions in check. In terms of keeping my emotions in check, I'm crazy emotional this evening. It seems as though my friendship with a good friend will never be the same and I don't know why. She won't have a conversation with me beyond lecturing me about her opinion of why I screwed up my relationship brief shit-show relationship. This is infuriating to me. Relationships can fail because two people are not compatible. We had two different definitions of speed to move, rigidity of lifestyle and opinion and the like and this is why our relationship failed. If you want to call it a relationship and I don't because that thing was giant fucking joke. And all that I'm asking is that she, as someone who I considered to be one of my closest friends, help me pick up the pieces and send me my stuff back. I've not asked her to take a side or form an opinion. She has not even asked if I am okay or offered to let me talk about it. At this point I'm really disappointed with how she is handling me and whatever issue she is having and I don't think I want to work at forcing a friendship to work with her anymore. She doesn't follow through on anything she tells me she will do. And when she tells me she will call that night and doesn't or even acknowledge that this is kind of a dick move, it just makes me feel sad. And a friendship that is this much of a constant source of sadness is a toxic friendship. I'm pretty disappointed about the whole thing. I guess that's part of growing up.
After speaking with Andrew, last night, I can't really define how I feel about the whole thing. Somehow, I was able to strip away all the layers of protection that man puts around his feelings. It meant a lot to me for him to apologize so sincerely about what had happened between us. I'm pretty unclear on how I feel about him. It seems pointless to agonize over it, so I won't. What will be, will be.
Kelsey's friend Tom asked me to see a movie with him. I think, pure assumption, that this is him asking me on a date. I'm feeling a little agony over it because I think he's nice but I don't think I'm interested in dating anyone until I sort my shit out with Andrew and all the other components of my life I'm adjusting to, at the moment.
After my cold bath tonight, I felt like I had a bit of energy to pick up my apartment and put my life back together. I'm hungry as all hell. Probably has something to do with my being hormonal. Because I'm also cranky as hell.
I'm tired.
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