The Audacity To Dare Me

I've been having some trouble coming up with words to put down in the last few days.  The top of my foot seems to be broken or injured in some way that my non-medically educated brain cannot diagnose.  It hurts like a bitch.  And the best part of the whole mess is that I have no recollection of injuring myself.  It has been determined that this is a sign that I am getting old.

I can hear thunder and am starting to smell rain.  My favorite!  I missed thunder when I was in Seattle.

Having some sense of routine, lately, seems to be making a huge difference in the state of my mental health.  I noticed, today, on my home that I was starting to feel better, stronger, less unstable.  It's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride for me for a while now and it seems like the last few days have just been particularly difficult to deal with.

I suppose when you finally come to grips with being an aunt and trusting that the baby is a part of your family only to have the Wretched Bitch get shitty drunk and inform my brother that the kid is not his.  So now I get to sit by and watch my family go through hell after throwing the Wretched Bitch a baby shower have to pick up all of the gifts and my brother's stuff and demand a paternity test through the welfare system to determine if we are tethered to this shit show for the next 18 years.  It breaks my heart on a level I didn't know existed.  And if my brother wasn't depressed to the point of seriously considering taking his life the last time he seriously considered taking his own life, I can't imagine what he is going through with this.  He finally seemed to have a reason to be happy and she has taken him through the ringer with this one.  And I'm worried.  But this is not my battle, I have to let it go.  I just wish there was someone in my life whose literal shoulder I could cry on, who would hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.

On the topic of people who used to fill that role, I have now spoken to Andrew 2 times in the last week for a few hours at a time.  I don't know what the purpose of doing this is.  I guess all I can do is give myself time to understand if I'm reaching out to him purely out of loneliness or if I'm really feeling legitimate feelings for him.  It seems like he has done a lot to improve all the things I had complaints about when we were together.  I don't know.  I would like to say that people don't change but that would indicate that I as a person could not and have not changed and I, very much so, have changed.  Right?

I can now check volunteering off of my list of things to accomplish this year.  One more accomplishment makes me happy.