I woke up at 2 in the freaking morning, stupidly checked my email like a lunatic and found that Andrew had emailed me back. So of course my brain went into overdrive over-think mode and I didn't fall back asleep until well after 4 in the morning. And I know it was after 4 in the morning because my neighbor's ungodly alarm clock went off for 15 minutes, and then I was finally able to go back to sleep.
And now after a very good but quite exhausting day, I'm in insomnia mode again.
Andrew and I agreed to have a discussion. And I'm crazy anxious about it. I haven't heard the man's voice in well over a year. Now that I've started truly healing and grieving over our breakup I have mixed feelings about this conversation. I miss him. But I don't know if I miss him truly or miss the idea of what we had. The whole thing is incredibly confusing and has me all mixed up and a little unstable. I tried talking to my mom about it; and though she allowed me to divulge all of my fears and my anticipations and my feelings for him, she was zero help in the what should I do category, the am I crazy category, and the general guidance category. I love her to death but I think in all the amount of time I spent getting her to allow me to make my own decisions she has lost the ability to form opinions about my life. I have mixed feelings about this as well.
This weekend I need to let go of all of these thoughts, stop dwelling on them and just be in the moment with my family. I will be okay and what will be will be. Giving myself some space from these crazy emotions is exactly what I need. For the first time since I left, I am truly excited to go home for the weekend. What is wrong with me?
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