While I'm Busy Making Other Plans

My brother keeps putting me in the position to act like a child, lately.  A few days ago, he asked my mom if he could have my giant toy chest my dad built for me.  Maybe I wouldn't have such an issue with it being in his home if it wasn't going to a kid that isn't his for a girl who I am not convinced is not somehow scamming us all by claiming my brother is the father of her child.  I don't know what to say. So far I've said yes on the condition that I can ask for it back anytime for any reason.  But I kind of maybe want to rescind my original agreement.  What if his kids ruin it?  My dad doesn't make things out of wood anymore.  It just seems like he is taking away a dear piece of my childhood to give to people who aren't worthy to give it to.  I have to let that sentiment go.  It's the exact sentiment my great grandparents created a lot of resentment over.  And who am I to say who is and who is not worthy of my sentimental childhood family memories and heirlooms?  I don't even want kids.  I'm reacting like a toddler who doesn't want to share her toys.  

I'm trying to figure out my recent sentimental longing for and missing of Andrew is all about.  How can I find myself missing him?  I'm sure it's perfectly healthy but I feel like feeling that longing for his familiarity is fucking my shit up.  It's confusing.  I miss the nights of laying on the couch with him and making dinner with him and heading up into the mountains for a long weekend and kissing him goodbye before he went to work and calling him before I came home and his mom and Bill and and going to Costco on Sundays and our anniversary on New Year's.  I think I've just healed enough in the time we've been away from each other to start to forget how miserable I was in the end.  The whole thing is just confusing.  Dreadfully, terribly, awfully, disturbingly confusing.  What am I going to do with myself?  Somedays I would just like to stop feeling feelings.  I've been having a lot of those lately.  Is this what it feels like to actually work through one's feelings instead of simply shifting them aside for a later date?  Is this me sorting through all those fears, insecurities, tragedies and so forth that I shifted aside for a later date?  We'll just go with that.