PMS hit me like a sack of bricks, this afternoon. All it took was being informed that the weekend I had planned for Seattle is the weekend my family has planned my great grandmother's birthday party and my niece's baby shower. And as annoying as it is to have to ask to reschedule and go through the process of rescheduling, I'm a little relieved to not be going. I still have some hard feelings going on about Seattle. I haven't forgiven her for providing me another whallop of hurt from another boy yet. I'm sure I will. Seattle and I have a deep connection that can't be completely broken by a silly boy but I just don't know about being ready to see her again right now. Especially since my support group there thinks I made a mistake in letting go of someone who so desperately misunderstood me and wanted me to be someone whom I'm not.
It will be a very, very long time before I trust another person not to break my heart. I don't want to be anyone but me. I don't want to have to defend every single thing that comes out of my mouth. And if every other thing I say offends you in some way, we are clearly not meant to be.
There are so many things to appreciate about not working for a while. I've needed this reprieve for a very long time. I need to stop taking it for granted. Somedays I just need to take my nerd book to the hipster hot spot and attempt my best impression while I people watch the absurdities of other peoples' behavior.
My 6th grade teach commented on my status about being in a quarter-life crisis, this evening. I can't even believe the difference her comment made. Sometimes I just need to know that life gets better with wine and with age. Because sometimes I forget.
My mom tells me everything will be okay. I hope she is right. I know she is right. Somedays it just feels like I fail at life. But then again, somedays you are the pigeon and somedays you are the statue or car or whatever else the pigeon feels like shitting on.
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