Nothing's Gonna Change My World

I'm really not feeling today. I just don't feel okay. My confidence is down, my sprit is non-existent. And I still have two days to work until I have some time off. My job has become a social setting where I am able to get a great workout, and get paid to make friends. Is there ever such a thing as normal? Will I ever feel genuinely happy more often than not? Will I find love in my life? Will I ever stop getting zits? Will the pain of my grandmother's passing ever truly fade? How do I find love in my life again? I just want to feel wanted. Truly wanted. I haven't felt this way, wholly and completely since before Andrew and I got together which was when Chris and I were together which was over 5 years ago. God, I can't believe how long it's been since that time in my life. I have had the opportunity, in my life, to find a distinguished love affair with food, food culture and everything that goes into food and food culture. I feel that for my age and background, my palate and taste is highly evolved. But to have completely gotten over me so beyond disappointing. In the back of my head I always wanted a chance to do our relationship again. We had such an amazing and dynamic relationship and to be quite honest, it still is an amazing and dynamic relationship in it's own capacity. I've decided to name my restaurant "Roberta's" after the woman who gave me the inspiration and background to begin my life in food. Her garden, her relentless baking, her canning, her everything food instilled a love affair of my lifetime. She picked wild berries, raised her own meat, grew her own veggies and then preserved them for the winter. Her bread was legendary and her spirit was always strong. I like to think I have her perseverance and spirit, green thumb and talent with dough. These things make me feel better about losing her to dimentia. It gives me a great deal of pride to know that my carrying of these qualities give me an opportunity to develop and carry on with them, to pass them on to as many people who will allow me to and "Roberta's" will be the best goal in which to place my perseverance and spirit. It will be "down-home" food where you can go and hear live music, taste fresh, local, comfortable, creative food. People will leave having experienced the spirit and legacy of my grandmother.

Broken wing

My grandmother has officially been diagnosed with dimentia. She is on the very verge of very bad. The pain that I'm experiencing is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am very much so little miss one big mess right now and I want to be in your arms right now more than anything. I need you now and you aren't here and I don't have any way of knowing if or when you will be. This is on the verge of intolerable.

She hates her haircut

Strangely, I'm not as disappointed as I expected to be about tomorrow. It will give me more time to lose more weight before I see you again. And it will save me some money. And it will give me an opportunity to really decide what I want. And really, do I need to decide what I want right now? Honestly, past getting back into school, I don't really know what else I want. Day by day, minute by minute, experience by experience is all that I can focus on right now. Knowing how to keep myself from falling into a boredom that allows for meltdowns is all that is saving me from myself. I was able to purchase smaller clothing again today. I'm finally beginning to actually see weight loss. Last night, I stayed up entirely too late and now I'm pretty tired tonight. I could really use some affection right now. My anxiety is starting to get out of hand this week. I'm going to need to make a doctor's appointment so I can get some xanax. I'm getting really close to crawling into a shell again. It could have a lot to do with my phone situation. I'm almost 100% confident that you are blowing me off and it breaks my heart and shatters my confidence. I know I'm not ready to be with anyone yet because I'm asking myself how much longer do I have to endure this? I know that I will not be truly ready to love someone wholly and completely until I am satisfied completely with being on my own. A man is an accessory, not the main focus. I just want to be numb right now. I don't want to feel anything for a while.

The miseducation of me

Insomnia has stricken me like a stone in a tube sock tonight. I'm so tired but my mind is so awake. It is terrifying to me that you might not make it on Thursday. I hope to God you are playing a the "game" with me and not just being a flaky friend. How is it that I'm still finding myself in the position to cry at night? There are just some nights where the emptiness and loneliness of where I'm at in my life just sinks to the bottom of my soul. It rattles my every nerve and shakes my core until the tears begin to fall uncontrollably and with out shame. More than anything I want to know what the "purpose" of this pain is. Because really, there are moments when it borders on unparalleled and unbearable. This is really the first moment I have seriously considered throwing up in a long time. How do people survive tragedy in their lives? What I have endured in my life is hardly comparable to most, I'm sure. Why does it feel like I am so damaged and so alone in my damages? This pain tonight just feels so primal, having taken over every last muscle, turning my stomach to a churning urn of anxiety and fear. Shaping me into an adult has been a long and arduous process. When I wake up tomorrow morning I will feel strong and amazing again. I knew when I got home earlier that this was going to happen. I could sense it coming on.

Tomorrow I will get my discount plane tickets, now I just have to wait on my vacation request to be approved. I'm sure it will be. I already have the weekend and weekdays are usually pretty easy to request off. This trip will exactly what I need for it to be. It will be fun, it will mark a form of closure for me and it will be the opening of new doors for me.

Maybe all of these tears are simply the growing pains of shedding the person I used to be in order to become the person I know I'm meant to be. And by all means, do I know who I am? I highly doubt that I have the first idea of the person I am and want to be. I am a constantly molding and reforming human being who is in a search for making myself into the best possible person I know how to be. And this comes not from a static and unmoving and unyielding life. This comes from knowing and understanding my flaws in order to form not only an acceptance of those unchangeable flaws but also being willing to change those things in which are yielding and can be differentiated. I accept criticism willingly and even seek it out when I sense an inconsistency in my outlook on life.

It has been six months since Andrew and I were still technically together and over a year since i first started trying to figure out how to get out of that relationship and about 8 months since the moment I knew I could never love him again. They say that victims of different abuses find ways to blame themselves for what happened. And when I think about that night, think about trying to re-establish a sex life with him, think about running my hands over his body, think about having planned all day to go down on him, think about him answering his phone in this, think about hoping it would be hot for me to continue as he was on his phone, think about him grabbing my arm hard enough to leave a mark, think about pausing with his grip, looking me in the eye with a hatred I have never known before or since and then throwing me off of him, I feel like maybe it was my fault. When I think about all the times he took every opportunity to say something negative to me, think about little thing after little thing he had something to say about, think about every dream of mine he squelched, every opportunity he had to celebrate with me and turned into something that wasn't worth celebration, I begin to wonder if maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not worth celebration, I'm not beautiful enough to be complimented when I spend hours getting ready to look beautiful on our night out. When I think about the night I was sexually assaulted I blame myself for letting him into my house, for going out with him, hell for meeting him in the first place. I've blamed myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I internalize the shame that I feel for being dumb enough to have "let that happen to me." And because of this I do not allow myself to trust anyone. All the scars left behind from having been burned a hundred too many times just seem too fresh.

I just want everything to be okay and it will never be the level of okay that it was when I was three and it is just too bad that you aren't aware of what you should be thankful for as a three year old.

Only One

I lost my phone and strangely, I'm kind of okay with being almost completely out of touch for a while. Normally, this would make me frantic quite frankly, I just don't care right now. It's actually a little bit liberating. I'm feeling really very peaceful right now. On a side note, the Black Keys have their music plastered everywhere. They are amazing and totally deserve it but it's just kind of funny. I re-downloaded all of my Yellowcard today. This was very theraputic. I haven't been able to listen to it since he and I broke up. Both Ashley and Katrina tell me they believe that he and I will get back together eventually. I hope they are right but I fear they are saying this to make me feel better. I'm absolutely in love with the new Cadillac CTS coupe. I will own that car someday. I will look fucking hot in that car. That will be my reward for completely finishing school and finding work that will pay for the lifestyle I would like to have.

It's a fraction of a hope but it's hard to control

Oh wow. Last night was really pretty awesome. And I cant believe my number got given out and that he already sent me a text. My life is awesome. And I could use a distraction from Him. My feelings for him are just too big for what he can offer me right now. I've made so many steps in the progress of moving my life in the direction I want it to go. It really gives me a reason to feel proud and good about who I am.

Definitely still in love with Him but this guy is making for a good distraction for now and that makes having to ignore Him and make it seem like I don't care that much a lot easier. And maybe that is Dusty's purpose in my life.

I am so lucky to have lived in two AMAZING cities. Denver really is a very up and coming city and it fits me a lot more than I remember it fitting me. I do feel at home in my life right now and it makes me so happy I could cry. I'm 40 lbs and I can't even believe I have lost so much weight! It feels so good to be me. I'm going to paint my lamps and do more art and cook things I have never tried. I need to make a list of things I want to learn to cook. It's amazing how quickly I have turned my life into exactly what I want it to be with the resources that I have without Andrew in my life.

I am okay.

Will I wait a lonely lifetime If you want me to, I will.

I'm having a minor meltdown.

Being alone is supposed to be super scary?

This is the first moment I have legitimately felt like I was actually alone
I met PJ about a week after Andrew and I officially split and in that week I was still talking to Andrew pretty regularly and now that I officially do not have any romantic companionship I'm a little bit freaked out about it.

I'm not confident that I know how to be by myself. I'm not confident that I know how to meet people or where to meet people. I'm not confident in my ability to choose a romantic partner. My relationship with Andrew really left me very damaged and unsure of myself. And add to that my Grandmother's lack of interest in continuing to live is just terrifying. That could have been me, I could have married a man like Delbert who tore me down emotionally, had no interest in my hopes and dreams and was completely controlling over our lives. It was such a wake up call for him to have gotten physical with me and then when I saw you and you made a comment about how weird it was that I was so complacent and un-opinionated about what we did. I feel like I've lost so much respect for myself and certainty about what I want in life.

I don't trust anyone, especially myself and my decision making abilities lately. My lifestyle lately seems to be an endless distraction from the serious things I need to work out and it definitely seems like I'm procrastinating making any major decisions about my life and maybe that is in my best interest right now. Maybe I need to take a moment to party and let loose. I never really did so after my 21st birthday. My idea of partying and letting loose was was polishing off bottles of wine with Andrew's mom.

I'm terrified to move forward and I'm terrified to stand still and it's not an option to go backwards. I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear in my life and that is so unlike me.

I am in a dead end job, I still haven't finished school. Where am I going with my life? I feel like I took about 10 life steps backwards in moving back to Colorado but in reality I know that in my circumstances right now, I probably could not have chosen a better option.

It feels like I finished high school with so much potential and the older I get, the more my potential just flies away. I'm not going anywhere with my life, in fact, I'm in a complete and total standstill. Sometimes I just wish on my path in life I wasn't so quick to take every single detour and stop to smell all the pretty flowers. And who's to say that I will even be able to find a better job ever? I've been doing the Costco thing for long enough now that I feel like I'm stuck and that prospect is terrifying.

I smile in all of these pictures and laugh with my friends and though on the surface it feels amazing to do all of these things, deep down I feel like it's a facade. I feel like I'm so broken on the inside that I don't trust in my own laughter and joy. I've spent so many years just giving and giving and never receiving that I have nothing left in me to offer the world and now I just drink until I can't feel feelings anymore (always in a social atmosphere) and I don't like the person I have become in all of this. I don't even begin to know where to start in making everything better. How do you make things better when you are so insanely broken? How do I pick up the pieces in my life and make them into something wonderful again?

Yes it's so nice to be in charge of only my happiness; however, I have spent so much time concentrating on everyone else's happiness and completely neglecting my own that I have very little idea of where to begin. So far, I picked an apartment that met all my criteria for neighborhood and kitchen size and decorated it fabulously to match only my style. I go for a walk or a run every chance I get because both my neighborhood and the river front are so insanely soothing and beautiful that I just feel at peace. I don't keep a spotless apartment anymore and sometimes I just throw everything on the floor knowing that I don't have to accomodate anyone else. I tell myself every morning that I am beautiful and amazing and by no means a product of the circumstances that have made me feel broken. I also tell myself every day that today is an opportunity for me to do something amazing. And to a degree it helps and I start out every day feeling really great about life and as the day progresses I really start to go downhill until the moment I'm driving home from Katrina's knowing I'm about to go home by myself to an empty refrigerator and a messy apartment to be completely alone and I start to freak out about my life and have a minor panic attack on I-25 and decide logically that you are the only person I should call in this moment.

So here I am, completely freaked out and begging for your input. I'm trying desperately to not feel like merely the sum of all the ways I feel broken and to live more along the lines of the survivor who made it through these circumstances to do something great with her life. I just have to figure out which piece of my broken life I need to pick up first.

There's Just No One Who Gets Me Like You Do

Mmmmm. The pot roast, mashed potatoes and carrots I cooked for dinner tonight smell and taste AMAZING! I should really find a way to do this professionally. If there is one way I know how to get to a man's heart it is through food. Amazing, home made, perfect food.

Isn't it incredible? I can't listen to entire band's discography's because of you. In fact, I'm listening to a song right now from one of those bands and it is taking everything I have not to cry. I want you back in my life so much that it makes me sick to my stomach. Why can't I have you right now? What is the reason for this universe? How do I get past the pain of not knowing what the future holds?

Melting Down

This must be God's way of telling me to stay home today. I literally tried for 20 minutes to get out of my parking spot with no luck and finally had to call into work because I was never able to get out. Hopefully I didn't kill my transmission. I need to find a houseplant, a viney plant that will not kill my cat. I also need to start some window herbs. I need a spider plant, jasmine, hyacinth, thyme, rosemary, lavender, and basil. I think that will probably be all that I have room for.

I will be okay.

'Cause it was not said to you

My lips are chapped and it's really very painful. It seems like I might be making progress in my goal. Small steps, but steps none the less. I can be strong about this, I know that I can. It just takes patience and perseverance. This is going to something I work on and see all the way through. I refuse to give up on this goal. When there is something I really want, I do a good job of making it happen. Is it terrible that I feel so much better about life when I feel like I have the upper hand?

Everything will be okay.

I Should Be The One Behind The Wheel

All things considered, I think I'm holding it together really well. Also, I would like to point out that I have not had any instances since before I left Seattle. And given all the different stressful situations I have endured in the last few months, this is really a milestone for me. I have finally learned how to effectively handle my stress in a healthy way. Really, I'm very proud of me for making it this far in my emotional maturity. I feel like I have beat a hurdle in my life that has been eluding me for a very long time. I feel strong and almost secure. I feel like I am headed in the right direction again, like I'm finally getting my life back together. My life has been falling apart for nearly 2 years now. My world and ability to identify who I am nearly collapsed completely. What was I thinking staying in such a loveless place in my life? Last night in the quiet, snowy streets, I felt such a sense of peace. I couldn't tell if it was the unusual warmth or the soft, quiet way the snow slowly fell over the warm glow of the streetlights while the whir of my tires rolled over the slush on the asphalt and the anticipation of the night to come. Or maybe it had everything to do with the warmth radiating from with in my heart because in that moment I felt true peace in my heart. Nothing was causing me any sort of angst or anxiety. I just was and I was in a beautiful moment. What a grand opportunity I have in my life right now. The world is wide open to me. There is nothing and no one holding me back from pursuing exactly what I want in life. And I really think I'm ready to just go for it. I've had my great adventure, I've come to feel more grounded in my life and though I still get impatient and bored I am prepared to work hard and make my dreams reality. This is my moment. This is my time and if I don't take this opportunity to move forward with my life, I may not be afforded another. I think I have taken enough miss steps to do it right this time. There is nothing to in my past to regret, I would not be who I am today had I done anything differently and I am thankful for who I am. I am almost completely the adult I dreamed I could be. I am beautiful, strong, independent, and intelligent. I have an awesome studio in an awesome neighborhood, in an awesome city. I live in the city. Not the suburbs, not the outskirts, but in the city. And not in the slums either, I live my life in a diverse and upcoming part of town with thousands of young people just like myself. I live across the street from a swanky coffee house which is right next to an awesome boutique selling consignment clothing. Up the street is the best little Mexican cafe selling me burritos at an insanely cheap price and down the street is an aquarium, the river, the amusement park, a 40 mile bike path, REI's Denver flagship store, my organic grocer and the best little breakfast joint. I'm a short cab ride to partying downtown. I am educated about the environment and my impact on it. I know how to sew, how to cook like it's nobody's business and on a budget, I have my own style and a great taste in and supply of shoes. I have a passion for good food, good wine, and good fun laughter and am familiar enough with all of these things to maintain a conversation about any of them. I am swanky and strange and have a personality that is really all my own. If you looked at me on the street, you would never guess my taste in music but I can hold my own with any music freak out there. I have lost 35 pounds and am working on taking off more weight and with my new found enthusiasm for my life, I don't think this is an impossible challenge for me. And best of all, I live close to you again, I have an opportunity to reconnect with the love of my life. I know that I don't want anybody but you and I know that it is not going to happen right away and I am okay with this because I have so many pieces of my life that need to be found and put back together before I can be with anyone.

Everything happens for a reason and I am doing great things with my life.

How Am I Supposed To Pretend?

Everything happens for a reason. Right? I tell myself this every single day and I really hope it's all worth wile.

You know it, I know it too

I apologize to myself, I was unable to keep my promise to myself yesterday as I had no internet service and was unable to write. The exception to the rule is something I will never have the opportunity to experience I suppose. This idea is somewhat depressing to me. I have been the rule over and over and over again in so many aspects of my life.

One More Time

Two layers of clothing and seven layers of blanket later and I think I am finally warm. I can't believe how cold it is. Today, I have the "honor" or returning to work again as well. It feels like me week off was really about a month. So much has happened in the last week. So much has changed in every single realm of my life. It seems like I have gone through a complete metamorphosis. Everything happens for a reason right? I had to meet and experience an amazing man who is exactly like the amazing man I will always be in love with to realize committing to a mildly retarded man was a terrible idea. Next this amazing, nearly perfect man needed to break my heart so I could understand that I'm not ready to be doing the serious relationship thing with anyone. I would be really interested to see what's next in this completely random life of mine. When you finally allow yourself to let go and just let life happen, it really seems to turn into an endless cycle of completely crazy random happenstances. Some of them are good, some of them are stressful and some of them are memories to remember forever.

As much as I am unhappy to go back to work, I understand I have to pay my bills and it's not really an option. But I seriously need to find a new job asap. This one makes me want to kick puppies and that's not in anyones best interest.

And The Words Just Began To Flow

It is obscenely cold today. But I was able to get out and take some photos of the snow and that was kind of encouraging. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words today. I suppose there really isn't much to say though is there? But I did make a promise to myself to write every single day. And in reality, I really think it's significantly helping me move forward day by day in my new life. I'm pretty comfortable in my emotions and my skin today. I'm really looking forward to going out tonight.