Insomnia has stricken me like a stone in a tube sock tonight. I'm so tired but my mind is so awake. It is terrifying to me that you might not make it on Thursday. I hope to God you are playing a the "game" with me and not just being a flaky friend. How is it that I'm still finding myself in the position to cry at night? There are just some nights where the emptiness and loneliness of where I'm at in my life just sinks to the bottom of my soul. It rattles my every nerve and shakes my core until the tears begin to fall uncontrollably and with out shame. More than anything I want to know what the "purpose" of this pain is. Because really, there are moments when it borders on unparalleled and unbearable. This is really the first moment I have seriously considered throwing up in a long time. How do people survive tragedy in their lives? What I have endured in my life is hardly comparable to most, I'm sure. Why does it feel like I am so damaged and so alone in my damages? This pain tonight just feels so primal, having taken over every last muscle, turning my stomach to a churning urn of anxiety and fear. Shaping me into an adult has been a long and arduous process. When I wake up tomorrow morning I will feel strong and amazing again. I knew when I got home earlier that this was going to happen. I could sense it coming on.
Tomorrow I will get my discount plane tickets, now I just have to wait on my vacation request to be approved. I'm sure it will be. I already have the weekend and weekdays are usually pretty easy to request off. This trip will exactly what I need for it to be. It will be fun, it will mark a form of closure for me and it will be the opening of new doors for me.
Maybe all of these tears are simply the growing pains of shedding the person I used to be in order to become the person I know I'm meant to be. And by all means, do I know who I am? I highly doubt that I have the first idea of the person I am and want to be. I am a constantly molding and reforming human being who is in a search for making myself into the best possible person I know how to be. And this comes not from a static and unmoving and unyielding life. This comes from knowing and understanding my flaws in order to form not only an acceptance of those unchangeable flaws but also being willing to change those things in which are yielding and can be differentiated. I accept criticism willingly and even seek it out when I sense an inconsistency in my outlook on life.
It has been six months since Andrew and I were still technically together and over a year since i first started trying to figure out how to get out of that relationship and about 8 months since the moment I knew I could never love him again. They say that victims of different abuses find ways to blame themselves for what happened. And when I think about that night, think about trying to re-establish a sex life with him, think about running my hands over his body, think about having planned all day to go down on him, think about him answering his phone in this, think about hoping it would be hot for me to continue as he was on his phone, think about him grabbing my arm hard enough to leave a mark, think about pausing with his grip, looking me in the eye with a hatred I have never known before or since and then throwing me off of him, I feel like maybe it was my fault. When I think about all the times he took every opportunity to say something negative to me, think about little thing after little thing he had something to say about, think about every dream of mine he squelched, every opportunity he had to celebrate with me and turned into something that wasn't worth celebration, I begin to wonder if maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not worth celebration, I'm not beautiful enough to be complimented when I spend hours getting ready to look beautiful on our night out. When I think about the night I was sexually assaulted I blame myself for letting him into my house, for going out with him, hell for meeting him in the first place. I've blamed myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I internalize the shame that I feel for being dumb enough to have "let that happen to me." And because of this I do not allow myself to trust anyone. All the scars left behind from having been burned a hundred too many times just seem too fresh.
I just want everything to be okay and it will never be the level of okay that it was when I was three and it is just too bad that you aren't aware of what you should be thankful for as a three year old.
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