I'm having a minor meltdown.

Being alone is supposed to be super scary?

This is the first moment I have legitimately felt like I was actually alone
I met PJ about a week after Andrew and I officially split and in that week I was still talking to Andrew pretty regularly and now that I officially do not have any romantic companionship I'm a little bit freaked out about it.

I'm not confident that I know how to be by myself. I'm not confident that I know how to meet people or where to meet people. I'm not confident in my ability to choose a romantic partner. My relationship with Andrew really left me very damaged and unsure of myself. And add to that my Grandmother's lack of interest in continuing to live is just terrifying. That could have been me, I could have married a man like Delbert who tore me down emotionally, had no interest in my hopes and dreams and was completely controlling over our lives. It was such a wake up call for him to have gotten physical with me and then when I saw you and you made a comment about how weird it was that I was so complacent and un-opinionated about what we did. I feel like I've lost so much respect for myself and certainty about what I want in life.

I don't trust anyone, especially myself and my decision making abilities lately. My lifestyle lately seems to be an endless distraction from the serious things I need to work out and it definitely seems like I'm procrastinating making any major decisions about my life and maybe that is in my best interest right now. Maybe I need to take a moment to party and let loose. I never really did so after my 21st birthday. My idea of partying and letting loose was was polishing off bottles of wine with Andrew's mom.

I'm terrified to move forward and I'm terrified to stand still and it's not an option to go backwards. I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear in my life and that is so unlike me.

I am in a dead end job, I still haven't finished school. Where am I going with my life? I feel like I took about 10 life steps backwards in moving back to Colorado but in reality I know that in my circumstances right now, I probably could not have chosen a better option.

It feels like I finished high school with so much potential and the older I get, the more my potential just flies away. I'm not going anywhere with my life, in fact, I'm in a complete and total standstill. Sometimes I just wish on my path in life I wasn't so quick to take every single detour and stop to smell all the pretty flowers. And who's to say that I will even be able to find a better job ever? I've been doing the Costco thing for long enough now that I feel like I'm stuck and that prospect is terrifying.

I smile in all of these pictures and laugh with my friends and though on the surface it feels amazing to do all of these things, deep down I feel like it's a facade. I feel like I'm so broken on the inside that I don't trust in my own laughter and joy. I've spent so many years just giving and giving and never receiving that I have nothing left in me to offer the world and now I just drink until I can't feel feelings anymore (always in a social atmosphere) and I don't like the person I have become in all of this. I don't even begin to know where to start in making everything better. How do you make things better when you are so insanely broken? How do I pick up the pieces in my life and make them into something wonderful again?

Yes it's so nice to be in charge of only my happiness; however, I have spent so much time concentrating on everyone else's happiness and completely neglecting my own that I have very little idea of where to begin. So far, I picked an apartment that met all my criteria for neighborhood and kitchen size and decorated it fabulously to match only my style. I go for a walk or a run every chance I get because both my neighborhood and the river front are so insanely soothing and beautiful that I just feel at peace. I don't keep a spotless apartment anymore and sometimes I just throw everything on the floor knowing that I don't have to accomodate anyone else. I tell myself every morning that I am beautiful and amazing and by no means a product of the circumstances that have made me feel broken. I also tell myself every day that today is an opportunity for me to do something amazing. And to a degree it helps and I start out every day feeling really great about life and as the day progresses I really start to go downhill until the moment I'm driving home from Katrina's knowing I'm about to go home by myself to an empty refrigerator and a messy apartment to be completely alone and I start to freak out about my life and have a minor panic attack on I-25 and decide logically that you are the only person I should call in this moment.

So here I am, completely freaked out and begging for your input. I'm trying desperately to not feel like merely the sum of all the ways I feel broken and to live more along the lines of the survivor who made it through these circumstances to do something great with her life. I just have to figure out which piece of my broken life I need to pick up first.