Self Worth and New Experience

Well... Daniel turned out to be a bit of a douche waffle with no follow through.  I kind of think he is still really into me but I'm not going to commit myself or my time to anyone who isn't obviously super into me.  Andrew made me feel like I was constantly begging to be wanted and loved and I will not be going down that road again.  Fuck that.

I have decided to sell and move back downtown.  I don't like living this far away from everything and this house was built for an entirely different life that I am no longer living.  It and everything in it that reminds me of the great disappointment that was my marriage must go.

2017 will be about taking on the life I have always wanted.  I will be getting an apartment either in the Highlands or Cap Hill, I will be traveling to places I have always wanted to see, going to see the shows even on school nights and enjoying the hell out of this opportunity I have to make my life my own again.  I don't want to disappear into another person ever again.  If I want to go do something I should go do it.

I went to a movie by myself tonight.  It was one of the most profoundly beautiful and poignant films I have ever seen and combined with the score that cut right through my heart the whole experience left me with an incredible sense of grief.  It was perfect. I tackled dining out alone the last time I was single, this time I will tackle movies, concerts, and travel alone.

I met a boy on OKC I kind really think might be a good match.  We haven't met in person yet but he seems incredibly promising.  My parents will hate his gauges ears but I don't care.  I think he is incredible and sweet and attentive and hopefully will continue to be excited to see me as this continues.  We might go to Jamaica next month if our chemistry is as strong in person.  I truly hope it is. 

Dating is tiresome.  It has only been a few months and I am over it.  If neither Darren nor Damon work out (apparently I've got a thing for two syllable D names all of a sudden?) I am going to just take care of me for a while.  I like my solitude and dating takes so much damn energy I could be devoting to more worthwhile and less stressful things.  The only problem I foresee with that is getting laid but I'm sure I can figure something out there too.  

How Did I Get Here?

My entire world has been turned upside down since the last time I wrote.  After reading my last post I have a renewed strength in believing that I made the right decision to leave.  I never imagined I would find myself here. 

My heart hurts.  It burns with hatred and resentment to the man who promised me he would grow with me and love me and failed me in ways I suppose I always knew he might. 

And my heart hurts because I found a man who matches me intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  And I have only spent really 2 weeks chatting on and off with him and a weekend wrapped in his perfect arms.  And I am crazy about him.  I had no intention of falling in love.  At least not before the ink on my divorce papers had dried.  And here I am falling hard and fast.  And it fucking terrifies me.  He terrifies me.  How would someone so perfect for me just fall out of nowhere and pick my smile out of the concert crowd and come talk to me and be so incredible?  That is not a thing that happens.  This is romantic comedy bullshit. 

And I keep waiting for him to not be as crazy about me as I am about him.  Because that is the history of me falling for boys.  And they certainly are never willing to talk to me about feelings.  He will talk to me about feelings without assuming I am trying to con him into marrying me which is never the intention of talking about feelings for me.  But if I'm going to invest my time and feelings in you I like to make sure I am not wasting my time or breaking my own heart and he meets me halfway there!  How is that even remotely possible?

I thought for sure this was Chris and I's time.  How could it not be?  I had pined for Chris through nearly my entire relationship with Andrew.  And we reconnected and were having a blast.  But his life is a disaster beyond disaster.  And while I love him as a friend, I can't let my heart fall for a man who is very likely addicted to cocaine.  There are too many red flags with that boy. 

But I don't regret any of it! How could I?  My marriage led me back to Chris which led me to that concert which led me to meeting the man of my dreams.  I.  Am.  Smitten. 

He has the power to break my heart and it scares me to trust him not to.  I keep trying to convince myself all the reasons why he couldn't possibly like me the way he says he does.  So for now I am working on just enjoying this moment of bliss with him.  And like with anyone, he could absolutely break my heart.  But I could break his just as easily.  For now I will just be in this unbelievable moment with this incredible man. 

It is hard to describe my melancholy.  How soon is too soon to know that marriage has failed?  When do I know that it is time to be done?  6 months?  2 years?  How long do I endure tolerating my life?  Does this pass?  This really hasn't proven to be my favorite year.

How is it that I find myself so low?  Theoretically everything is amazing right?  I have everything I thought I ever wanted and yet somehow something still feels so wrong.  So out of place.  Like I took a wrong turn back there and I am struggling to untangle the mess I find myself in.  I find myself in a place I never thought I could imagine and yet here I am struggling to breathe with no air. 

I thought the pills would help.  I thought at the very least they would make me numb to my soul crumbling to pieces around the place where I find my life.  I thought I wanted a child with this man who doesn't have the capacity to love even me in the way that I need and now I am terrified at the idea of having a child with someone who doesn't love me in the way that I need.  Is it fair to ask him to be a person who he is not?  Was it fair for me to have married him when I knew this all along?  Was it fair for him to have married me when he could not answer why it was that he was marrying me?  We have failed each other and are both watching helplessly from the sidelines as our partnership spirals a slow and painful death. 

And still friends and family insist that this is just a rough patch and that we will get through it as they have gotten through theirs.  And still I am not convinced that this is just a rough patch.  And still I can not admit out loud that I made a mistake getting married and feel like letting go so soon is a monumental failure that does not mesh well with the picture perfect life I have built.  Such a split would take away a family I have come to love and appreciate and would take time to recover my pride in a way I am not ready to pursue.  Because we can still fix this, right?

I want to fix this, right?  I think so.  But I am working so hard to fix me that I fear I don't have it in me to fix us and I don't think he understands how bad it is enough for him to try fixing it.

Crumbling Dreams

I am so fucking bored lately.  Is this a side effect of the SSRI inhibitor?  I feel a little off-kilter (read fucking psycho) recently.  I yelled at a police officer this morning.  I want to fuck randos but am irritated at the idea of fucking my husband because it irritates me that he can't seem to manage more than one priority at a time and I never seem to that priority.  I want him to remember to help take care of our home.  I want him to remember to send his mother a birthday card.  I want to not have to mother him.  I can't manage to be turned on by a man I have to mother.  Apparently it is a thing for me since this generally seems to be how my relationships turn out.  Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage?  I wanted to get laid and did get laid about as often as I wanted before i was married.  There is something about a man who is not going through the trenches with me that is irresistible.

And don't get me started on my need to be intellectually stimulated by the man who wants to successfully get me in bed.  A man at work who is marginally attractive spoke to me in small detail about  transit market research and I found myself with a marginal crush on the man for a brief period of time.  Apparently talking statistics to me gets me going...  Apparently using words I don't know does the same. 

And I'm stuck!  Because I am in austerity until we close on our house.  And in this moment all I want to do is going fucking crazy, lash out, do something stupid, blow up my life.  I am restless.  It came over me like a wave.  I just can't handle for things to be dull and safe, can I.  But could I ever?

And instead of blowing up my marriage or my life I am simply playing with the matches.  While drunk.  Flirting with the idea of how to find satisfaction with a situation that bores me.  I am not a good caretaker.  I feel like I am in a straitjacket. 

Historic Moments

I had an incredible, much needed girls' weekend last week.  Sometimes a girl just needs to spill her secrets while sitting on the edge of the Hampton Inn Pool under moon of the hot Grand Junction night. 

The countdown to moving day is somewhat official.  It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  The neighborhood I used to love so much isn't what it used to be.  Finally I feel okay about moving on.  In fact, probably legitimately excited to move on.

Summer is the worst. Bring on the crisp Autumn air and leaves crunching under my boots.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDEzRraYgA8 (To California Dreaming)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG-Qjyk6wrw This gave me tears.  I can't stop crying during this convention.  I was starting to wonder if I would see a serious woman candidate for president in my lifetime.  I am truly inspired  and so thankful to be alive for this moment in history.  And recognize its significance.    And before my 30th birthday.  I've never been more proud to be an American.  Love her or hate her she has led an incredible life.  For every boy who told childhood me I couldn't do something because I was a girl.  This moment is for you.  In fact, those taunts are probably what caused my militant feminism in adulthood.  Because fuck that shit.  It also drives my desire to be successful in a male dominated field.

Andrew was promoted to a position that requires he work longer days.  I knew not having much alone time was causing some frustration for me but getting that solitude back has been so incredibly gratifying. 

At the rate that I write these days I will likely have moved the next time I check in.  I hope future me is still elated that she is in her beautiful new home that she has and will continue to work hard to purchase.

Life is good. 

For Where I Find Myself Today

New life event - I sat AT the table in a meeting full of men, expressed a negative opinion, was taken seriously, prompted discussion about my opinion as well as an ask for me to do more observations. It. Was. Glorious.  It gave me an incredible confidence boost.  It made me feel as though I have truly found my calling. 

And to be honest, it seems like a really have found my calling.  My job is stressful and infuriating, it's challenging and requires I give parts of me I didn't know I had.  But I wake up pretty much every day, excited to go in to work.  It is a sensation that is foreign to me and one I can hardly wait to get used to. 

Today, I got day drunk on wine soaked orange slices and impulse purchased a subscription of the Denver Business Journal as I was waiting for my laundry to dry.  It was an interesting experience.  I am old enough that the three article per month limit on free articles was causing enough irritation that I bit the bullet and bought the rights to view the fucking Denver Business Journal. 

I am sitting in this odd place in my life where I am enjoying the last of an era - my living downtown, childless, with free Saturday afternoons - while also longing for my next step, the future; living in our brand new home, in a sort of suburban development, preparing to start a family, and working on our yard on Saturday afternoons.  It is a lesson in living in the now.  Because as wonderful as the future will be, the now is quite beautiful and will be a small tragedy to move on from. 

Some days are excruciatingly difficult to reconcile being a married person through.  There are days I wonder what my life would look like had I made different choices.  I always come back to knowing I made the best choice.  But sometimes it helps to internet stalk exes and what ifs in the daydream of what life would have been had other choices been made.  And sometimes it feels really good to see that an ex you struggled to walk away from is really not aging very well.  Sometimes that feels really fucking good.

I think I'm going to get a Masters in Project Management or Business Administration.  It doesn't make sense to me to continue learning things I know a lot about and can continue to learn about for free when I COULD be learning a new and complimentary skill set.  Now I just have to get started.  And then keep trudging through the many years it will take me to finish.  But I got this.

Montreal was absolutely stunning.  The food.  Oh my goodness.  The food.  And the streetgrid!  And the historic buildings!  And the four minute subway headways!  And the parking protected bikeways! And the food. The market!  The coffee!  And the people were so kind.  There were little pocket parks every few blocks.  It was fantastic and I wish we could go back for good.

Summer will go quickly.  It always does.  And then it will be Autumn.  And I will start the next leg of this life journey.  So for now I will work on maintaining gratefulness for where I find myself today.   

It has been a year since I finished my undergrad.  And truth be told - I am doing just fine.

May You Stay Forever Young

I do believe I could potentially be classified as full-on adult these days-
My bills are paid and I have enough money to put money down on a house I am building with my husband who I am married to and filed joint taxes with.  I have a living room full of grown-up furniture and am the proud co-owner of several bottles of Scotch.  I am taking a vacation to Montreal paid mostly with cash next week.  I have a credit score I can be proud of.  I have a job that allowed me to work on the largest transit expansion in the country right now.  And not just menial tasks but actual, meaningful contributions.  My boss informed me that I was on track to take over senior service planner when he leaves that position in 2-3 years. 

In addition to all of this superficial and external indications of adulthood though, I feel more sure of myself, who I am, what I look like, who I allow to be close to me.  And this is the moment of adulthood I have been yearning for since adulthood was a possibility for me.  I have spent so many years feeling unsure of my abilities and decisions and who I was and what I was willing to tolerate. 

Some nights after I plug in my headphones and clean my dishes so that I can clear my head before bed, I dream about all the possibilities of where my life could have ended up had I made other options.  And though there would have been benefits to other options, I always come back to feeling fantastic about the choices I made that brought me to where I am now.  I do not see another path in my life that allows me to be here, now, in this time, in this place.  And for that I am eternally thankful.  I love my life. 

And this is not to say things are perfect.  Some days I literally hate my husband.  He makes me angry, and feel crazy, he pushes me to limits of sanity and causes me to call into question the decision to marry him.  But at the end of the day he was the best choice I could have made.  And for that, I am eternally thankful.  He teaches me patience and compromise.  And he deals with my very straightforward and demanding personality which I can't imagine is an easy thing to do.  It turns out that you can hate your husband sometimes and still be in a happy marriage.  They should teach this to people.  Maybe we would all have different expectations for what our relationships should look like.  My mom tells me this is normal and she has been with my dad for close to 30 years now.

The weirdest thing has been occurring to me lately.  It is the absolute strangest sensation and it just came out of nowhere and has built steam ever since.  I want a kid.  Now.  What. The. Actual. Fuck. is that all about?  I even picked out names and have tried to make Andrew agree to them.  Elijah David Cole or Benjamin Robert Cole if we have a boy and Isabelle (Izzy) Gloria Cole or Willa Rees Cole if we have a girl.  I like Willa and Elijah best. 

I have a considerable amount to be proud of myself for.  And I feel good about what I have been able to accomplish after I finally figured out what that looked like and how to get there. 

For now, things are good.  So I will sit here enjoying my dinner of spiked hot cocoa and just be grateful and present.  They have not always been this way and will not always continue to be this way.  But for now, I am at peace and happy.

Inevitable Transitional Conflict Reflection

Between Andrew going to the emergency room and my getting sick about as soon as he was feeling well again, this has been an interesting weekend, to say the least.  And now I am feeling anxious and nostalgic all at once. 

This is the first time in my adult life I can say with complete sincerity that a $6000 looming ER bill on top of building a house is not that big of a deal. It's more of a hurdle than a complete financial emergency.  It feels strange.

My life is about to be much less simple.  I have an incredible job in an actual career that I went to school to become, we are building a beautiful home in a neighborhood that has a lot going for it in the near and distance future, and Andrew is likely going to start a job where he is on the road most of the time but will bring in considerably more money.  It just feels....so....adult.  My problems are all very different than they used to be.  Instead of contemplating if I have enough leftover cash to grab a happy hour beer with a girlfriend, I am considering kitchen cabinet colors and washing machines.  It is a life transition and somehow I always find myself in a brief period of mourning when I go through these inevitable transitions.  

I go back to work tomorrow and it actually matters that I was gone for a few days.  I am the only one who does my job and will have quite a bit to catch up on.  I always wondered what that would feel like when I worked the dredge that was customer service where I made considerably less money but never had to worry about the job getting done while I was gone. 

I wonder if you ever feel melancholic for no other reason than your youth is behind you.  Melancholic for a beautiful song.  Melancholic because the day is turning gray.  Melancholic for what is and what could have been.  How is it possible to be so thankful for what I have while still wondering what could have been had I only chosen a very different path?  How many directions I could have gone and yet I find myself here, reflecting on the choices I didn't make.  Melancholic for the love I let go and the love I let in.  And happy at the same time for no other reason than the road I traveled was the absolute best one, for now.