I am so fucking bored lately. Is this a side effect of the SSRI inhibitor? I feel a little off-kilter (read fucking psycho) recently. I yelled at a police officer this morning. I want to fuck randos but am irritated at the idea of fucking my husband because it irritates me that he can't seem to manage more than one priority at a time and I never seem to that priority. I want him to remember to help take care of our home. I want him to remember to send his mother a birthday card. I want to not have to mother him. I can't manage to be turned on by a man I have to mother. Apparently it is a thing for me since this generally seems to be how my relationships turn out. Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage? I wanted to get laid and did get laid about as often as I wanted before i was married. There is something about a man who is not going through the trenches with me that is irresistible.
And don't get me started on my need to be intellectually stimulated by the man who wants to successfully get me in bed. A man at work who is marginally attractive spoke to me in small detail about transit market research and I found myself with a marginal crush on the man for a brief period of time. Apparently talking statistics to me gets me going... Apparently using words I don't know does the same.
And I'm stuck! Because I am in austerity until we close on our house. And in this moment all I want to do is going fucking crazy, lash out, do something stupid, blow up my life. I am restless. It came over me like a wave. I just can't handle for things to be dull and safe, can I. But could I ever?
And instead of blowing up my marriage or my life I am simply playing with the matches. While drunk. Flirting with the idea of how to find satisfaction with a situation that bores me. I am not a good caretaker. I feel like I am in a straitjacket.
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