Accentuated and Angular

I have not spoken to many people about this, simply because I do not wish to solicit advice or opinion that will go nowhere in my stubborn world.  When I've decided something is the right decision for me, I give zero cares about the opinions of the people around me.  In reality, the only opinions that could seriously function in convincing me to reconsider are those of my parents and even they know the effort is futile so they really have to feel strongly about something to offer unsolicited advice or opinion.  They barely offer it when asked.  I miss Andrew.  I miss him in a way I didn't believe to be possible.  What I need is a friend who will comfort my heart while it bares the loneliness of missing someone I can't be with, at least for the moment.  What I fear is I will have is a friend who will lecture why my heart is wrong and I will have to feel the necessity of defending the way I feel and I'm getting too old for that shit.  I feel the way I feel and fuck you if you think that's wrong.

Dating is not something that eludes me.  I have done A LOT of it.  I have found boy after boy who has fallen short in one way or another; in a constant state of each one falling short of what I knew I could expect from Andrew.  So I reached out to him, I wanted to see if things were different than when I left. And they are. SO much different.  Every single emotional support component that was missing has been fixed.  I think this comes with age, experiencing loss and growing empathy and maturity of emotion.  I don't pretend to think that things will be perfectly blissful.  But I recognize that he is finally willing to communicate openly with me and that is the one thing I begged for up until the end.  And he fixed it and he continues to improve it because he knows that it's important to me.  And it means every bit of the world to me.

My heart hurts because I don't have control of this situation other than to say what I won't tolerate and what I won't tolerate is moving from here or stopping school or a distance relationship.  So this leaves the power to make this thing happen in his hands.  He will either come here or he won't.  It is futile to worry about it now.  He couldn't come for a few months anyway.  I have some time to continue working on me physically and emotionally before we go down this road officially.  It gets lonely knowing there is someone out there who wants to be with me and it's not possible at the moment.  I simply do not want to rush into this thing either.  It's a huge commitment, not to be taken lightly.  Decisions do not need to be made tonight and it's in everyone's best interest to simply enjoy the ride.  I appreciate that maybe is an option.  Maybe is scary as hell but it gives everyone a chance to gain their footing before jumping into something huge.  People could stand to benefit from learning the value of maybe, or thinking things through and of slowing down, breathing and taking things one step and one day at a time.  Even I could in this scenario.