I am wondering if there ever comes a point where everything is just good all at the same time. A few years back, I was living a very fun and adventure filled life, I was happy with my weight and my body, but I had no money, no solid relationship, and was very lost. Now, I'm in a satisfactory (albeit far from perfect) relationship, I'm getting married, I won a very prestigious scholarship, I have graduated, I have a decently paying job and all in all things are good. However, I looked at a photo of me in my wedding dress and all I could think was "wow, look at that whale." I don't see that when I just look in the mirror. Why do I see that as I study a photo of myself- a photo I should be damn excited for. I am wearing a gorgeous dress that I will wear to commit myself to another human for as long as we can make this shit work (presumably a lifetime).
Instinctively I know that if I fail to love and respect myself at whatever size I happen to be rocking this fine day, what reason do other people have to love and respect me? But the voice of my family and people from my past reminding me how much of my self worth and their love is wrapped up in me being a smaller woman. I have internalized this and it creates one hell of a personal conflict between strong, smart, capable, confident me, and the girl who was constantly reminded of how hot she would be if she were skinny. The girl whose family was most proud when she came home having lost a few pounds. It's pretty fucked up.
And why can't I just be content? It makes me uncomfortable to feel content. I spent a good week feeling completely in love with my fiance (who happens to be out of town at the moment which I'm sure plays no small role in my increased affection) and happy with my job and my apartment and my life. But give me nothing but wine for dinner and a full day of anxiety like I haven't felt since I moved back here from Washington and you bet your bottom dollar I will find a way to question every single decision I have ever made, including matrimony. I mean, the man can't even tell me why he wants to marry me which is probably more of a personality flaw and less him not having actual reasons he wants to marry me but it bothers me none the less.
People who believe in "the one" are fooling themselves. Maybe I have just been lucky enough to love deeply and profoundly with more than "the one." To know that I must give up that deep and profound love for anyone other than Andrew is something I haven't completely found comfort in, yet. Have I felt all the emotions I will ever feel? Am I done feeling new emotions? I am happy to know the thrill of a first kiss and excitement of falling in love and the satisfaction of sleeping with someone new and sad to know I probably should avoid feeling those things ever again in this lifetime. It is like I am literally signing away the thrill of youth when I legally marry.
And this isn't to say I am considering not going through with this. I think it's completely natural to feel this way at this stage. Fuck if I will talk to anyone, though. Lord knows someone would say some stupid shit like "If you're not completely sure, your marriage is doomed to fail" because some Dr. Phil-like hack went on Oprah that one time they watched and said some stupid and short-sighted shit like that. Good lord, can we just talk about our concerns and fears like grown-ups who understand that human emotion is complicated?
And who can I talk to about these things? No one tells you that the deep and profound love you haven't let go of doesn't magically disappear when you agree to be someone's wife. No one tells you how to navigate the difficult parts of staying monogamous, only that you MUST, at all costs keep that shit in your pants. I don't think I am built for contentedness. Luckily I have a career in which a desire to do and be more can be fulfilled. But I have committed myself to one man, in one city, having a certain life and there is small part of me who wonders if that isn't a mistake. It is overshadowed by a large part of me who loves my city and the man who moved here to share a life with me. So I suppose time marches on and I was always good at staying in step with the band.
I suppose everything is okay, I just don't function without the smallest proportion of uncertainty and contentedness. It is a personality flaw I will live with.
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