For the first time in a very long time, I am having a somewhat late evening. Tonight I am celebrating the occasion of my college graduation. Andrew isn't feeling well so I spent the evening doing things I wanted to do. I smoked a little pot, drank some sparkling wine, watched a somewhat girly movie and picked out new wardrobe pieces on Pinterest. It was perfect.
For the first time, maybe ever, I am so perfectly content with my life exactly as it is. Sure, I am not as thin as I was at one time and maybe never will be, my relationship isn't perfect and probably never will be, I don't own my home and won't for some time, I don't perfectly understand everything I am doing in my job, my nails chip the second they get any length, I am anxious more often than I would like to be, and things are disorganized in my apartment. But I have more strength and perseverance than I have ever had and am in the best shape of my life. We have room to grow and learn and improve our relationship, home ownership is not always a good investment and I am smart enough to understand that. I have disposable income to have manicures more often. Someone believed in me enough to pay me through a learning curve. And things will never be organized to the extent I want them to be. For right now, I am just content.
And why should we strive to always be more than content? Everything doesn't always have to be the best for life to be meaningful. Sometimes the best is simply good enough.
Recently, I had the opportunity to have lunch with an ex-boyfriend who shared an epic love story with me for a time. Normally, I might have made sure I looked my very best, been careful about what I shared, made sure every aspect of my life looked like I had my shit 100% together and done everything in my power to make sure he regretted the end of our relationship. It is a true testament to having grown as a human that I gave exactly 0 fucks about my appearance and had no desire to impress him. I still cherish our time together, the ways he influenced my life, and that I can consider him an acquaintance and friend, but I am finally completely convinced we would never have been right for each other. I am a stronger person because that relationship did not last. I like me better this way.
In my "Choose Your Own Adventure" storybook, I am on the precipice of a change in narrative. It is always such an interesting feeling when you know a transition is in the works. I hope to remember enough about my romantic escapades and 20-Something adventures as I age into new life cycles to know my 20s were never dull, enough memories of adventure and escapades to grow old with no regrets.
There are moments in my current (and hopefully last?) relationship when I imagine happier times with men whom I have shared intimate times with who aren't my fiance. It is so easy to slip into a "what if" scenario with someone who isn't in my present. Especially when I never experienced or needed to deal with the scenarios that Andrew and I struggle with. It was especially bad a few months back. Finally I broke down and spoke with three separate, close girlfriends who confessed to similar feelings in their own relationships. Why had I kept this torture to myself for so long!?! It is so easy to imagine that some other guy would handle your fights exactly the way you want him to when your guy is not. And it is so ridiculous! But it helped to know I wasn't alone in projecting the imaginary perfection on a relationship that didn't work because the timing was never right, the relationship that left me, and my girlfriends with feelings of what if and non-resolution. And how unfair to Andrew! It is something I am working on not doing anymore. However, relationships are damn hard; maybe it is healthy in some ways to go through this exercise when things are particularly difficult?
The rain just started again and I am back in a perfect moment as the cool breeze brings in the smell while I listen to Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens is the perfect soundtrack to my perfect moment.
While my relationship with my fiance continues to grow and evolve, the same can be said of my relationships with friends. I am finally okay with the fact that maybe my friends and I are at different points in our lives and that maintaining relationships the way they have always been will probably never be possible or reasonable. And it is okay to let people go, or let them slip away a bit, or love them from afar when you think they are making life decisions somewhat hastily and you don't understand or relate but want to be available if and when things fall apart or to celebrate when things work out.
For a very long time I felt quite a bit of shame over having not finished college right out of high school. It was painful to work shitty customer service jobs knowing I had potential to use my mind for higher purposes than figuring out if the foil sold at Costco is Kosher and Gluten Free. And I found that thing, that job that met all the hard requirements for a career for me. When I outlined this 8-10 years ago I had determined that I would find joy in a job where I spent quite a bit of time researching, rarely involved contact with customers or people, involved creativity and problem solving, allowed me equal amounts of time in an office and outside, was helping to make people's lives better and paid a living wage. My job involves all of these requirements. It allowed me to choose a major from which I could study sociology, political processes, psychology, law, public policy and play with Adobe products. I made the right decision to wait. Had I finished in the first go, I would have gone to law school at exactly the time that firms stopped hiring entry level attorneys because much of their work has been automated or turned into self-service internet sites. I would have had to have taken a soul-sucking, time consuming corporate law position. I would have hated life.
While we are imagining life had I chosen different paths... Had I stayed in Colorado, had I ever gotten back together with Austin, I likely would have continued making life decisions based on the life decisions of whatever boy was in my life. Had I never left Andrew in Seattle and moved back, I may never have experienced the pure joy of living completely alone. I never would have sold my car, I never would have learned how much I love Denver, never would have connected with my incredible circle of friends. I am eternally thankful I found me in the mess of my life and have worked to make me the best version of myself. I am thankful I understand that me is never finished. Me is a moving target who grows as a human into better versions of myself. How lucky I am to have fallen in love so completely with a city so close to my roots and my family, a city that is dynamic and ever-changing. How lucky I am to have experienced the childhood I was blessed with, the parents who allowed me room to become me while providing a safe place for me to fall down and encouragement to try again. How lucky I am to have found a passion that pays real money and a job right out of college.
It seems like I have finally survived my quarter-life crisis.
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