Today, I am okay. My trip back to the farm was better than usual. My therapist wanted me to write, this week. She thinks it is a good idea for me to remember things that I am thankful for and I agree with her. I have to take the car back soon. I love the Target "color changes everything" ad campaign. I can tell my generation is starting to play a more creative role in advertising. Or maybe I'm coming into a demographic that is more targeted for advertising. I'm starting to not feel so icky. This silly cold has been plaguing me all damn week. Moving gives me such a mixed feeling of happy and sad and scared and excited. Emily was talking to me about this guy Eric, last night, who was engaged to a woman he never saw himself marrying. For some reason this conversation really resonated with me. Jalapenos are the shit. Turned in the car, finished my homework, did some packing, going to google some tips on final cleaning when moving out of an apartment, made my grocery list, may still go to the grocery store today, made dinner plans with Kylie for tomorrow. made my bed, feeling better, did some organizing and planning, overall a fantastic day. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want children. I'm starting to feel a baby bug, a little bit. After spending more time around kids who seem to love me, I am finding myself starting to want some of my own. It's especially strong now that I'm with a man who would be a good father, whom I can depend on. It's such a strange desire, for me.
Looking around my apartment, slowly packed away into boxes destined for Seattle, slowly things come down from the walls and out from their hiding spaces tucked neatly into cupboards, slowly I sort through the life I have made for myself in the last year and a half, slowly I sort through the self I have made in the last year and a half and slowly I come to realize these steps that I am taking, forward, one step, two steps, one foot in front of the other this is who I want to be, where I want to be, the place I want to go with the person I want to go with. I count myself lucky. Look at the things I have been able to accomplish! Look at the things I have survived! And no, my life is not exactly what I want it to be but if it were I would have nothing more to work towards and that would simply be boring.
Denver is quite beautiful in the morning. I will really miss it here.
Everyday that I spend away from Steve, the more my heart hurts from missing him.
I will go for a jog, tonight.
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