Day 2 of having no romantic connections. I've decided that I will purchase a new vibrator as a gift to myself for learning to love being single, swearing off men, and getting older. I looked at De La Rosa's facebook today. I have to stop doing that. It's not conducive to healing quickly. I wonder what it is I can learn from all of my failed attempts at love. I wonder what I should take from having been propositioned on three different occasions for fuck buddy relations in one month. What I am going to do is stop having sex (with other people). That is unless they are perfect strangers whom I will never see again. But.... since i have no intention of shaving my legs or anything else for that matter until after Christmas I will likely not seek sex from a man in that time period also.
I have to get my shit together, re-ground myself, remember why I'm fucking awesome. I don't lie well. I will never exude confidence that I don't actually posses. I want to start reading recipes and planning menus and reading econ blogs and nerding out to podcasts and other nerd vices of mine again. I want to plan a potential container garden and prepare for school and Thanksgiving and Christmas without the constant interference of men who will likely fail.
I erased all the numbers of my love interests besides De La Rosa and Derek. Derek, because I'm not interested in being more than friends and he's just fabulous and De La Rosa because I can't bear to let that one last piece of contact information go. Why did I allow so many concessions for him? He didn't want me fully and completely, he smokes, he's short, he drives a fucking grand am (2 door, automatic and red) he's a hoarder, he does way too many drugs and has too close of a relationship with pot, he doesn't have his shit together, he lives with an old man, he has a cat, he doesn't cook, he shops at Wal-Mart, he buys stylish clothes but doesn't know how to assemble them into an outfit and most importantly, he was not smart enough to recognize that if he did not take action, that he would lose potentially the best woman who would ever come into his life.
I was unapologetic, brash, and swift in my approach to cutting those ties. I doubt that he thought I would cut them with the precision of a craftsman sword. But why rip the bandaid off slowly? It's more painful that way and the pain lasts longer. I made a clean break and I'm happy I did so. Even if my vagina is at odds with the decision.
I have to stop throwing up every night. Tonight I had meant to not do so and did so when my dinner severely disagreed with my stomach and my stomach threw my dinner out the front door. I've already been down the bullemia road. I don't really want to do it again. It's likely that after I see the doctor on Friday that maybe I will have an anti-anxiety pill that will help with that. Hopefully it will help with my need to sleep so much. It's only 7:20 and I'm already considering bed. I just don't see the point in being awake. I like being asleep better.
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